Am I being bitter? (long)

Sept07b2b · May 2013

So I have a really, really good friend who lives overseas with her DH and her 13 month old LO. She works very pt (sort of - like 10-15 hrs/week), and has full-time, live-in help who works for her monday through saturday. The nanny gets sunday off. This woman cooks for them, cleans for them, does the grocery shopping and takes care of her LO. Apparently this is very normal where she lives, and it is insanely cheap.

As a general matter, I have an inherent issue with women who have full-time help even if they don't work. It just seems a little strange and NMS, but I recognize that my feelings might have a cultural component to it, and maybe if everyone in the US had full-time live-in help even if they didn't work, I wouldn't think much of it, and maybe it would be nice.

So here's the issue. She's coming to the US for a visit, and is going to come visit me, which is great, but she wants to bring her nanny with her, which means the nanny would be at my house the whole weekend. This just seems strange to me, and makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that my DH is a relatively private person and isn't crazy about the idea of a strange woman being in our house all weekend. I am also not sure how the logistics would work. Does this woman come out to breakfast with us? Does she come to the park if we take the kids out? I sort of feel like it could change the dynamics of the visit, but my friend doesn't want to do the drive from her parents house to my house (~3 hrs) without her nanny.

I tried to sort of punt the issue by saying it might be crowded if her nanny comes, but she responded by saying that she really hopes we can figure out a way for her nanny to come, so she didn't really take the bait. What would you do? Should I just suck it up? Does it seem like I'm being bitter that I don't want her nanny there? Sort of like a "if I can't have one, you can't have one" kind of thing? What are your general thoughts on women who have nannies even if they don't work?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

sooner1981 · May 2013

I think your post indicates that you are conflicted on a few issues. You seem to express frustration/maybe even a little jealousy at the relative ease of your friend's life with only working PT and having a nanny. Also, you seem to be genuinely excited about your friend coming to visit and want to make sure you guys are going to get "hang out time" without having to involve the nanny in every activity. Finally, it seems like you are trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements to make that work.

As for your first question about general thoughts on women who have nannies who don't work--I really don't think that is applicable in your friend's situation because she does work, even though it is part time. Also, since she is so far away from all family and friends, and she doesn't have a social network/family to tap into to find the ocassional babysitter, she probably does need a lot more support for day to day life than we do here in the US.

I lived in a foreign country and didn't know the language when I first arrived. Things as simple as grocery shopping or trying to get my bike lock fixed when it froze and my key snapped off inside it seemed like almost impossible tasks that would leave my brain completely worn out from trying to find ways to communicate and pick up on social norms/language cues. I will bet that the nanny does a lot of the day to day tasks that frees up your friend to be able to concentrate just on the still tough job of working part time and raising a 13 month old.

As for the issues of needing some "hang out time" without the nanny and sleeping accommodations, this one is easy! Nannies don't necessarily want to hang out with their bosses either. What you can do is drop her off at the mall on the way to the park with your kiddos and tell her you will pick her up in a couple hours--she will think that is heaven to have some true "vacation" from her boss and family. Drop her off at the movie theater for a few hours. Or, you can just go out and do whatever and let her have some alone time with TV/netflix/ordered-in pizza. There are lots of creative ways to get all the alone time you want with your friend. Most live-in nannies hang out with the family for a while after dinner and then head back to their rooms to do their own thing after the baby goes to bed for the night. You can have the nanny sleep in the same room as their baby--and your friends can sleep on the couch or a blow up mattress in the living room, which would be fine for a couple days. Nannies do need a little "independent" space away from the rest of the family--but during a vacation, it is totally reasonable to have her share a room with the baby.

It honestly sounds like having the nanny accompany them is a deal-breaker for your friend. If she really is that good of a friend, it should be easy to make this work. Just be sure to involve your friend in the planning and make sure that she is okay with your plans for the weekend in advance so she can let the nanny know what to expect.

And if you find yourself getting jealous of how easy her life appears on the outside, just try to remember how dang scary it must be for her to live in a foreign country where she doesn't have an ease with the cultural norms, probably has at least some language/cultural barrier with her baby's pediatrician and her own medical providers, etc. It is not all fun and games and a life of leisure...

Sept07b2b · May 2013

All totally valid points, and thank you both for the responses. I totally agree and admit that there are multiple things going on here. And I fully acknowledge there is likely an element of jealousy (hence the title of the post). I honestly cannot tell whether I just think it's really odd and sort of a cop-out or whether I'm totally green with envy because juggling 2 kids, a house, and a full-time, very demanding job is really tough (although maybe it's partly why it's so rewarding). I just don't know any different, so it's hard to understand.

sooner1981 · May 2013

Sept07b2b:
All totally valid points, and thank you both for the responses. I totally agree and admit that there are multiple things going on here. And I fully acknowledge there is likely an element of jealousy (hence the title of the post). I honestly cannot tell whether I just think it's really odd and sort of a cop-out or whether I'm totally green with envy because juggling 2 kids, a house, and a full-time, very demanding job is really tough (although maybe it's partly why it's so rewarding). I just don't know any different, so it's hard to understand.

I think a little jealousy is totally a valid emotion--just trying to provide a counter about some of the things that may make her life more difficult than it initially looks when you just think "part-time job/nanny." What country is she living in?

Ya Never Know · May 2013

I think that's a tough one. The closest thing I can compare this scenario to is a friend of mine who always invites people without asking when we make plans to get together with the kids. I'd like to think that I could just flat out tell the person that I'm not comfortable with the situation, but it never plays out that way, and I end up getting together anyway with a bunch of strangers, and it's usually awkward.

If I was a more assertive person, I would probably just ask my friend what having a nanny around would mean and decide what to do from there. Or just ask her if we will be able to hang out without the nanny around while she's here.

Sept07b2b · May 2013

sooner1981:
Sept07b2b:
All totally valid points, and thank you both for the responses. I totally agree and admit that there are multiple things going on here. And I fully acknowledge there is likely an element of jealousy (hence the title of the post). I honestly cannot tell whether I just think it's really odd and sort of a cop-out or whether I'm totally green with envy because juggling 2 kids, a house, and a full-time, very demanding job is really tough (although maybe it's partly why it's so rewarding). I just don't know any different, so it's hard to understand.
I think a little jealousy is totally a valid emotion--just trying to provide a counter about some of the things that may make her life more difficult than it initially looks when you just think "part-time job/nanny." What country is she living in?

Singapore, so there isn't much of a language barrier issue, but you do raise some valid points about cultural differences and being far from friends and family. She is constantly saying how fabulous her life is over there, and it does seem pretty fabulous, but I do wonder if that's a little overcompensation. I know I could never live there, since so many of my creature comforts are US-based, but that's me. Who knows, though. Maybe I would adjust quickly!

sooner1981 · May 2013

Sept07b2b:

sooner1981:
Sept07b2b:
All totally valid points, and thank you both for the responses. I totally agree and admit that there are multiple things going on here. And I fully acknowledge there is likely an element of jealousy (hence the title of the post). I honestly cannot tell whether I just think it's really odd and sort of a cop-out or whether I'm totally green with envy because juggling 2 kids, a house, and a full-time, very demanding job is really tough (although maybe it's partly why it's so rewarding). I just don't know any different, so it's hard to understand.
I think a little jealousy is totally a valid emotion--just trying to provide a counter about some of the things that may make her life more difficult than it initially looks when you just think "part-time job/nanny." What country is she living in?

Singapore, so there isn't much of a language barrier issue, but you do raise some valid points about cultural differences and being far from friends and family. She is constantly saying how fabulous her life is over there, and it does seem pretty fabulous, but I do wonder if that's a little overcompensation. I know I could never live there, since so many of my creature comforts are US-based, but that's me. Who knows, though. Maybe I would adjust quickly!

Yeah, it could be the whole phenomenon like when you look at your friends' facebook posts and you realize that they tell you personally about all the crap they are dealing with, but their facebook posts are always full of "I am the most blessed person ever and life is PERFECTION!!" It is great to have a positive attitude, but realistically, she may just choose not to share the bad parts of living so far away from everything she has known.

2chatter · May 2013

Singapore really is ALL THAT according to friends who lived there. No language issues, tons to do, great food, great people. I do think the upside for you is that the nanny would be very much an employee. It's not like families with au pairs here who try to include the au pair as part of the family. I would say to ask your friend about how things would work - very openly. So...if we want to take the kids to the park, what would the nanny do? It could be fun for the nanny to come and field the kids while you and your friend catch up. Ask if the nanny would take on your two for a joint date night. No idea how it works, but thinking there might be some real value here that your friend has already considered. FWIW I would not want a FT nanny, it would be suffocating to me. I would love a part time nanny for every afternoon and evening though - to pick up the kids, start homework, snack, do some running around, facilitate playdates....all the things working makes super stressful.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2013

I don't know if you are being bitter but I can say I would not be ok with having an extra person in my house. We barely have room for one visitor and a baby but to add another adult to that? And someone I don't know? I just wouldn't be ok with it. If it were a new husband we would make it work, but this is an employee...nope.

And I would be interested to see the dynamic of a full time nanny and mom so if I wasn't so skeeved out by a stranger in my house I would be cool with it. Maybe suggest a hotel for them?

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