to have #2 or not have #2

NYBride1125 · May 2013

Looking for others' advice on this... I never really imagined being a household with only one child, as I always thought I wanted at least two children. However, the adjustment to my first LO was so hard for me that I am tempted to be one and done. Nursing was very stressful for me and I selfishly it took me awhile to get used to my lack of freedom and not being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

However, I really don't like the idea of my daughter being an only child. Not that I have anything against single-child households, I just look at the bond between my brother and me and I would hate to deny that relationship to my LO. Plus, I think about holidays and imagine a table full of people, rather than just three of us.

So, my question is...has anyone ever had #2 solely because they thought their child needed a sibling? Don't get me wrong, if kids could pop out about 6 months old, I'd be all for it, but the thought of the newborn phase again frightens me.Is #2 easier than the first?

Guess I just needed somewhere to vent -- any ideas/thoughts appreciated!

shurjen · May 2013

Just so you don't feel alone - I am in the same boat. Nursing and newborn stage was really hard. I hoped to have 3-4 kids and now I am thinking 2. I just don't know if sooner or later is better. I am best friends with my sisters and we are all 2 years apart. I just don't know what to do... so does that mean wait? This is just whats been going through my mind....

NicoleWI · May 2013

I just figured you have to look at the long-term. Six months isn't that much hard time to put in if you really want a larger family.

Mrs.SMiller · May 2013

It's definitely a big decision to make. After just completing our first year with 2 kiddos, I can definitely say, it's not harder, it's just a different kind of hard. You know more about what to do to take care of a newborn/infant, however you have two kids to divide your time between. Don't get me wrong I had days that I felt like pulling my hair out, but it was totally worth it for us to have both of them. I was nervous about having 2, but now that I have them both, I honestly can't imagine my life without either of them.

When times get hard, you find a way to handle it, in my opinion though, the positives far outweigh the difficulties. Good luck in whatever you decide.

thechickencoop · May 2013

I have these exact same thoughts, it's stressful! DS is 14 months and I'm just feeling the 'weight' of him off my shoulders. It sounds so so selfish but I don't know if it's something I want to go through again. I also suffered from PPD and although it is under control, it's scary to think how I would feel with a newborn again.

Good luck with whatever you decide :. And I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this!

UMichGirl · May 2013

Lurker on this board ... Until DS turns 1 next month!

Anyway we have the same issue going on over here. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant and ultimately had to do IVF at an out of state clinic to achieve pregnancy. I always saw myself with two kids, even though I myself am an only child.

Then DS came.

I had 21 hours of labor with 3 hours of HARD pushing. Came very close to needing a c section which looking back I wish I'd have had. Ended up with an episiotomy and so many stitches they wouldn't even tell me how many. To this day I still don't know. I became very anemic from all the blood lost and required a transfusion in the hospital. DS was born screaming...and never stopped. He was colicky and had a milk intolerance which went unknown for a few months during which if he was awake, he was screaming. It was hell. I always considered myself a baby person. Now that I've been through this experience I don't ever want to relive it. The first six months of his life were miserable for all of us.

That being said I know every baby is different. And even though he's outgrown that phase, he is still an incredibly fussy, high maintenance kid. While I love the idea of two, we are also ok with one. Plus having more than one doesn't guarantee they'll be close. DH has three brothers...one of whom he never even hears from or talks to. He is kind of close with another one, and the third we just see a few times throughout the year. With our luck we'd have a second and they'd be at each others' throats all the time!

There's no right answer obviously. Good luck with whatever you decide!

jgoetz1 · May 2013

It sounds like you want a second baby, but just aren't ready yet. Just give it some time. The newborn phase is never easy, but my second baby was easier than my first. He is 3 months old now and my toddler still demands more attention than he ever has. I also had ppd and nursing issues with my first, but none of that this time. You never know what you'll get.

shortstuff15 · May 2013

The great thing is that you don't have to decide right this minute whether you want more kids. Everybody is ready at different times. My sister had kids 18 months apart. That spacing scares the living daylights out of me. I had, and will have my next, at 23/24 months apart. I love that spacing. Those extra months are exactly what I need to be prepared for the next baby.

For me the second baby was a way easier transition. For one, I knew what to expect as far as feeding, the neediness, sleep, and all that. It's not the whole new thing that you get when you have your first baby. The second reason it was easier was because I was already taking care of my oldest, so I already didn't have any time to myself, adding another kid didn't change that the way it did with baby #1.

eyenigh · May 2013

Check out the One and Done board. These are the kind of questions that people come on and ask a lot so there's a lot of good information as well as pros and cons.

hopefulmom81 · May 2013

Full disclosure: I am a member of the One and Done board and was an only myself.

IMHO "giving a child a sibling" is the absolute worst reason to have another child. Just because you are close with your siblings doesn't 100% guarantee your child will be close with theirs. It sounds really stupid too if you say it out loud. The only reason you would have another baby is to give your child a sibling? That sounds miserable.

The only valid reason for having more children is that you desperately want them and feel your family is not complete.

I also had a tough time adjusting and severe PPA. There is no way I am going through that again.

For me, as an only, I NEVER felt like I was missing something. We end up forming close friendships and have cousins. I loved being an only child as much as you loved having a brother.

mclere · May 2013

hopefulmom81:
Full disclosure: I am a member of the One and Done board and was an only myself.
IMHO "giving a child a sibling" is the absolute worst reason to have another child. Just because you are close with your siblings doesn't 100% guarantee your child will be close with theirs. It sounds really stupid too if you say it out loud. The only reason you would have another baby is to give your child a sibling? That sounds miserable.
The only valid reason for having more children is that you desperately want them and feel your family is not complete.
I also had a tough time adjusting and severe PPA. There is no way I am going through that again.
For me, as an only, I NEVER felt like I was missing something. We end up forming close friendships and have cousins. I loved being an only child as much as you loved having a brother.

Took the words right outa my mouth.

capulet · May 2013

Heck, DD was an easy baby and it still took me several years to decide for sure I wanted another one. The sibling relationship was a big reason why. As DD grew older, I could tell from her behavior with younger children that she would be a sweet big sister, and she is; I think the spacing helps with that. I love DS for himself, obviously, but I love seeing how he and his sister interact. There are disadvantages to starting over, but having an older child who was already fairly independent made taking care of DS easier. I wouldn't say he was easier than DD, but she was freakishly zen as a newborn, and I had more confidence the second time around. I think most of my friends who had PPA/PPD had a much easier time with the second child. Anyway, this is not a decision you have to make right now. I think spacing kids out can be great. My dad and my aunt and uncle are each 4-5 years apart and they have had a close relationship as adults, so I hope the same for my kids.

jenb_99 · May 2013

I'm dealing with these same feelings right now. I had a hard time with DS and struggled with nursing and PPD and feelings of failure. I've always thought I'd have 2 kids, but I find myself wondering now if there's enough of me to share with another child. I'm easily overwhelmed and have never been a really affectionate person, so I'm afraid one or both would miss out. I also am afraid that if I have a second baby, and things go better than they did with DS, that I'll somehow feel closer to that baby and DS will feel neglected.

They're not really rational feelings, but they're what I'm going through nonetheless.

mben1119 · May 2013

hopefulmom81:
Full disclosure: I am a member of the One and Done board and was an only myself.
IMHO "giving a child a sibling" is the absolute worst reason to have another child. Just because you are close with your siblings doesn't 100% guarantee your child will be close with theirs. It sounds really stupid too if you say it out loud. The only reason you would have another baby is to give your child a sibling? That sounds miserable.
The only valid reason for having more children is that you desperately want them and feel your family is not complete.
I also had a tough time adjusting and severe PPA. There is no way I am going through that again.
For me, as an only, I NEVER felt like I was missing something. We end up forming close friendships and have cousins. I loved being an only child as much as you loved having a brother.

The bolded is spot on. I'm one of 3 children, and while I love my brothers, I have people in my life that absolutely can't stand their siblings.

chrissyhall412 · May 2013

My daughter is 18months now and my husband and I just started trying for another one. I don't think you are alone, I felt the same way for a while. When your baby is still very young, it's hard to imagine starting all over again. We just felt that the time was right for us now. Trust your instincts and definitely talk to your partner about how you are feeling, remember - you are in it together

Good luck!

oscarkat · May 2013

I'm not really in the same boat as you... but I wanted to pass on something I heard recently that stuck with me.

Don't plan the number of children you have based on those stressful early months and years, because they will pass quickly and you won't remember all the headaches. Base the size of your family on the number of people you want around your thanksgiving table 30 years from now.

It's a little hokey, but it struck me. I always knew I wanted two kids, and my first was really easy, so I didn't have a lot of fears (outside of worrying that my firstborn wouldn't get enough attention once the second was born, which turned out to be a ridiculous fear). My second... she was a handful those first few months, but now, I'd have another, or two more, in a heartbeat. My husband isn't sure yet though... he seems pretty happy with the two.

TwinnyMommy · June 2013

I think a lot of parents are in the same position you are when their LO's are around this age. My husband and I are having the same conversation now but we have 18 months old twins. The newborn stage was not too bad but I am trying to debate if I want to be pregnant with two toddlers running around.

Want a personalized experience?

to have #2 or not have #2

Re: to have #2 or not have #2

Choose Another Board

Search Boards