Tactfully announcing pregnancy after loss in family

BellaElla79 · May 2013

Mobile: Tactfully announcing pregnancy after loss in family

I'm not sure if there is such a thing, but here is the situation. DH's cousin who had a hard time ttc finally did after 7 years of trying, but then did not make the viability date. The loss was devastating to say the least. This happened weeks ago when DH and I were already pregnant but no one knew. Before this tragic event I had already decided that we would wait as long as we could to tell extended family so that she got her moment in the sun with this very long awaited pregnancy. Now, obviously things have changed horribly. I know my pregnancy is going to sting this wonderful girl and her family. I feel like such an for even being pregnant sometimes because of this.

We see her about 2 times a year. We are not super close, but FB friends and comment on each others posts. But outside of that no calls or anything.

I am starting to show now (this is my 2nd and I'm popping a little earlier) and I know we are going to have to share the news soon. I'm afraid that I will be judged for being pregnant and announcing it so soon after this horrible loss happened. I die a little inside every time I think about how this is going to hurt her and her family.

Suggestions? Advice?

CaityA83 · May 2013

I don't have suggestions or advice but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I can imagine how difficult this must be. I don't think you should ever feel bad for being pregnant though. You didn't get pregnant to make her feel bad... I suffered for a long time with infertility. It is difficult when someone else gets pregnant when you can't or when you have a miscarriage... But most ppl understand that life goes on. One of my BFFs got pregnant from having fertility treatments at the same fertility clinic on the same day that I did. Then I miscarried and she has a healthy baby boy. It was difficult to be constantly reminded of where I should have been in my pregnancy, but I was still happy for her.

My thoughts are with you as I know this is a sticky situation. Just don't feel bad about your pregnancy.

74dragonfly · May 2013

Don't feel bad about your pregnancy. At all. I have had two losses and dealt with two years of IF trying for this baby. When friends got pregnant yes I was sad for me but happy for them. I would either tell them via email or letter or have a family member gently tell them. Do not announce your news in front of them. Let them hear it and grieve in private.

natleilynn · May 2013

lrachelle80:
Having been on the loss side....obviously you were pregnant already when this happened, and you can't hide it forever, so if anyone judges you for simply sharing the news, they're jerks.
THAT SAID, you can do it tactfully and a little less over-the-top than you might have otherwise. It's unfair for you to have to temper your announcement, but it's the sensitive and nice thing to do. First, tell her first, or if you're closer to her mom or sister or someone you could tell them and ask them to break the news to her (though I'm personally a fan of telling her yourself). Second, tell her via text or email or some way that lets her process the news without having to remain calm or put on a fake happy persona for you. Most likely, if it's recent, she'll totally break down, and having to hide that in order to tell someone congrats SUCKS. So giving it to her via a way where she can privately process and mourn the fact that she's no longer pregnant is extremely important. Let her know you're so sorry for her loss, and you understand that this news might be painful, and that you plan on being tactful about discussing it around her (read: she's not hte person around which to make trivial pregnancy complaints) and that you understand it might be difficult for her to see you for a while.
Once you've told her, you can tell the rest of your family. Obviously your parents and siblings and immediate family can be told in the most excited tones and way ever (go big with them!), but the rest of the family that is still mourning the loss of the child - her parents, her grandparents and siblings, etc - you'll want to break the news in a more somber way. A simple phone call or telling them in person (without a big, crazy, exciting announcement) is sufficient - anything else could be hurtful.
Then just be sensitive. Like I said, her and her family shouldn't be subject to trivial pregnancy complaints, and it might be hard for them to see you for a while while they are in the throes of mourning. If you post about the pregnancy on FB, it might be thoughtful to hide the post from her.
It's really unfair, I know, to feel like you have to temper your excitement and happiness. But it's what thoughtful, loving family members do for each other - protect them from pain. Obviously when it's just you and your family, you can be as happy and crazy excited as you want, and around your DH's family and your friends as well. But holding back a bit and being thoughtful will go a long way in helping them heal while processing your news.

This is perfect advice. I know it's hard for someone who's never had a loss to understand, but I REALLY wish my SIL and best friend had emailed me instead of called. I was forced to put on a "happy face" for 30-45 minutes for each call when all I really wanted to do was cry. Once I had time to get through it myself, I was okay. But don't put someone through that initial shock and make them sit and talk about it.

tailanis · May 2013

natleilynn:
lrachelle80:
Having been on the loss side....obviously you were pregnant already when this happened, and you can't hide it forever, so if anyone judges you for simply sharing the news, they're jerks.
THAT SAID, you can do it tactfully and a little less over-the-top than you might have otherwise. It's unfair for you to have to temper your announcement, but it's the sensitive and nice thing to do. First, tell her first, or if you're closer to her mom or sister or someone you could tell them and ask them to break the news to her (though I'm personally a fan of telling her yourself). Second, tell her via text or email or some way that lets her process the news without having to remain calm or put on a fake happy persona for you. Most likely, if it's recent, she'll totally break down, and having to hide that in order to tell someone congrats SUCKS. So giving it to her via a way where she can privately process and mourn the fact that she's no longer pregnant is extremely important. Let her know you're so sorry for her loss, and you understand that this news might be painful, and that you plan on being tactful about discussing it around her (read: she's not hte person around which to make trivial pregnancy complaints) and that you understand it might be difficult for her to see you for a while.
Once you've told her, you can tell the rest of your family. Obviously your parents and siblings and immediate family can be told in the most excited tones and way ever (go big with them!), but the rest of the family that is still mourning the loss of the child - her parents, her grandparents and siblings, etc - you'll want to break the news in a more somber way. A simple phone call or telling them in person (without a big, crazy, exciting announcement) is sufficient - anything else could be hurtful.
Then just be sensitive. Like I said, her and her family shouldn't be subject to trivial pregnancy complaints, and it might be hard for them to see you for a while while they are in the throes of mourning. If you post about the pregnancy on FB, it might be thoughtful to hide the post from her.
It's really unfair, I know, to feel like you have to temper your excitement and happiness. But it's what thoughtful, loving family members do for each other - protect them from pain. Obviously when it's just you and your family, you can be as happy and crazy excited as you want, and around your DH's family and your friends as well. But holding back a bit and being thoughtful will go a long way in helping them heal while processing your news.
This is perfect advice. I know it's hard for someone who's never had a loss to understand, but I REALLY wish my SIL and best friend had emailed me instead of called. I was forced to put on a "happy face" for 30-45 minutes for each call when all I really wanted to do was cry. Once I had time to get through it myself, I was okay. But don't put someone through that initial shock and make them sit and talk about it.

I agree... Is not until you have a loss that you really understand; I had a friend call to tell me about her BFP when she was barely 4 weeks and I had just lost our LO... Talk about cruel! She could have at least waited to get past the 1st trimester or shot me an e mail with her news. I had to sit there and listen to her go on and on about how happy she was about her pregnancy, while I was still grieving the lost of ours.

Thank you for caring for her enough to want to know how to break the news. What these two ladies replied is perfect.

BellaElla79 · May 2013

Thank you for giving me some advice on this matter. I am sorry for those of you that had to go through a loss. I can't even imagine.

I'm thinking of privately messaging her sister in law and telling her and asking her if she could gently break this news to her because they are very close.

Thoughts on this?

I just dont regularly email this cousin or call her; but I do email her Sil on ocassion.

FrenchFry13 · May 2013

Nothing to add other than GOOD LUCK. I hope the conversation goes okay all around, that your baby is healthy, and that your cousin-in-law (now a word!) is able to have a healthy baby soon.

You sound like a really good person and I'm glad you're on this board.

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