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Stay at Home Moms
notkateanymore
member
Leaving your child...
notkateanymore
member
Why won't you do it?
Don't trust people enough?
Think you'll miss them too much?
They wouldn't be able to handle it?
I'm always curious about this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Leaving your child...
Overnight? Or just for a few hours?
We tried to leave him with MIL recently. He goes to be at 6:30 and she called us at 8:00 to come get him. He wouldn't go to bed and she didn't attempt any of ou suggestions to get him to sleep. She just put a movie on and then called us to come get him.
I wouldn't trust my parents overnight.
ETA: I just assumed you meant overnight. We regularly leave him with sitters during the day/evening.
Point blank- I don't have the support system a lot of ladies on here do. I don't have family to rely on to leave my children with for long period of times.
We just did our first overnight in 5yrs. It's not that we haven't wanted to- we just don't have the options some people do.
That being said- we travel a TON- the kids come with us and it has never hindered our plans.
Good question... I assumed she meant for an extended period of time. I have NO issue leaving them for hours at a time during the day. Bedtime really is my only concern but I might be overthinking it.
A variety of reasons.
1) I BFed my babies. They didn't take bottles - pumping seems like a PAIN and the few times we tried bottles they didn't take - I'm too lazy to try too hard. So, that limits time away during the first 12-18 months. I have done plenty of three hours, but I prefer 2 hours because I feel bad for the babysitter if the baby is hungry and there is nothing they can do.
2) I have some level of anxiety that something tragic will happen when I'm not there. I just don't want to worry about it, stress that someone else would have that kind of situation to deal with, etc. Easier to stay with them.
3) Besides getting away for a few hours sometimes, I don't really have a strong desire to be away during the baby/toddler years. DD is 4. She now goes to school. We have spend a night away. I'm 90% fine with those scenarios. I just don't feel the need for any of us in the earlier years.
4) I have family I love and trust who can take care of them. And I will miss them, but that isn't a contributing factor. In general, I guess I just don't/didn't feel the need to be away enough to take the steps to make it possible - bottles, worrying that everyone (sitters and children) are ok. I just like being all up in my kids every moment when they are little. Getting away for any substantial period of time can wait, for me.
We just got home from a DS-free night :P
We've only left him with my parents; I wouldn't want/trust DHs parents to watch DS. MIL is great but lives with her boyfriend who is basically bed-ridden, and she is kind of absent-minded, so I would worry. FIL is, well, a slacker, and smokes in his house so DS would never stay there.
I didn't feel comfortable leaving DS overnight until he was about 11 months though. Before that my parents would have him a few hours at most. But the last few months since I've been more comfortable away from him overnight we've left him I think 4 times...it's great!
MIL and her husband are great and were happy to do it. They're the only ones I'd trust to do it. My issue is that DS doesn't STTN. I personally think it's a lot to ask someone else to knowingly get a bad night of sleep. MIL said she was fine and prepared.
But not only does DS not STTN, he also perks up so, so, so easily. Doesn't matter if he's exhausted, if his gaze catches someone else's or sees a hint of something interesting, it's over. That's essentially what happened last night. DS slept for 5 hours total. The in laws still didn't mind, but I just don't think it's the right time for it. We'll try again in a few months. I just feel terrible asking anyone else to rock DS for hours. MIL totally didn't mind, said it was like having DH again, just without screaming.
Usually a combo of didn't have anyone nearby I trusted enough/they couldn't handle my kids anyway.
I've very rarely left DS#2 with anyone for very long because his behaviors are so unique...he's very easy going, but it's tough to leave him with a sitter for too long because of his weird eating and his unique way of communicating his needs....I have to be very specific about his behaviors so people will understand. It's not too difficult, but it is time consuming and kind of overwhelming to explain to someone.
Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder
I did not leave him overnight the first year and a half because he has sleep apnea and we cosleept. He slept HORRIBLE and would wake up gasping so I just felt safer wit him with me. Plus breastfeeding and not responding to the pump so we barely left him during the day.
With DD its the cosleeping/breastfeeding reason at night. I don't respond to the pump so we a are a bit picky about when we leave her during the day. Now that she is getting older and go longer between feedings maybe i will start leaving her a bit more.
Ditto this. My mom has basically said that she doesn't want them overnight, given her age and the fact that they're still prone to wake up at all hours. We have a sitter I might trust, but paying her for 24/7 childcare for however many days would add up quickly.
We have sitters regularly for evenings out, and they've been in MDO or preschool since they were 15 mos. old, but overnights are a whole different animal, logistically.
I just don't want to. DD is still so young and breastfeeding and attachment of course, obvious with newborn. And as far as DS I would miss him past a night and so would DH. Plus when he satyed with MIL when we had DD for a few nights me missed us and as much as he loves staying with her more then a night was to much time away for him.
Plus for vacations I would rather share it with them. A night away with DH would be great but vacations are best with family. DH and I never got a lot of family vacations as kids and so sharing those with our kids is priceless and fun. Maybe in a few years we will go on one alone but we don't get a ton of vacation time wo we want the kids to have a vacation as well.
Edit to add that once DD turns one we are planning on going to a cool place where you can sleep in a teepee for probably two nights, so we are doing a weekend away. But I don't think we will be doing more then two nights away until DD is DS's age. Maybe not even then because the vacation time thing and wanting that time as a family. I agree weekends are different then a week.
Now it's more bc we don't have someone who is offering to take care of our kids overnight. Both sets of grandparents live a few hours away from us. I know my own parents wouldn't want to watch out kids for that long, but my ILs would do it.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I am baffled by this. I don't get people who won't put their marriage and friendships first occasionally. I do have a great support system (grandparents), however so leaving DD for a night or a week is fine with me.
Otherwise, I have two amazing sitters and lots of great friends. DD is happy with all of them and extremely loved at home.
However, DH and I are in the military so going away is just part of our life. It just is and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think I would like a kid free night every once in a while. We have no family even remotely close. Everyone is hours away on a plane. I do know someone who nannies that I would trust, but her weekend rate would be a bit much.
I say I think I would like it, but I would likely be stressed the whole time. I deal with anxiety issues as it is. The few times I have been away overnight were hospital stays and some awful invasive thoughts were tough to deal with. I worry about ridiculous stuff.
I have no problem leaving them with a sitter for hours, just haven't really for overnights.
C 7.16.2008 | L 11.12.2010 | A 3.18.2013
Why won't you do it?
Where am I going? I guarantee I don't have the money right now to be traveling. We have bigger fish to fry at this point. When we've reached all of our current goals, our boys will be older and we'll be traveling without them.
Don't trust people enough?
We don't trust our kids with anyone other than my parents and my ILs. Luckily, they all live within an hour and a half and we're all willing to travel. It's not a child endangerment issue, it's a all-of-our-friends-have-kids-and-struggle-with-just-their-own-families thing.
Think you'll miss them too much?
I know I'll miss them, but that's good. I'll enjoy reuniting with them even more.
They wouldn't be able to handle it?
DS2 doesn't STTN, and is rough to put to sleep. We're currently working on it, but he's a lot of work.
Dd2 is a horrible sleeper... wakes up several times a week screaming. My mom had had her once overnight and she was exhausted BC dd2 kept her and dd1 up all night. She will have them both again when I deliver lo3 in 6ish weeks.
ironically I am away from them now while I am in the hospital and dh is having a hard time w them sleeping but that is a different story where I am sick and this was unplanned.
DD1 7/10/08 DD2 8/11/10 DS 7/2/13
So I posted this and then promptly forgot about it and fell asleep.
Anyway, yes I did mean overnight, though some people don't seem to leave their kids at all.
I guess I understand a little more about people's thought processes, though I can't imagine not wanting to have time away for yourself and with DH. We take DD on trips and we go on trips alone, granted I'm sure people will tell me that's not the norm and most people can't do that, but we do and we make it a priority to do at least one of both a year. Oh course, DD has always been super at being at other people's houses. She had to spend the night at my parents for the first time when I was 5 days old, when I had to go back to the hospital...kind of ripped the bandaid off right there.
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
I'm not sure.. I have a super easy child (right from the start) who has always been a good traveler, angel in restaurants and will sleep fine in hotels (and in the car if tired, and never whines about the ride)... and I still like to keep her behind 1-2x a year for a kidless vacation. Not only do I need it, but as a SAHM for 7+ years.. I actually think SHE needs a break from ME sometimes
I very rarely leave my kids and trust me it's not a martyr issue.
The reasons why have evolved. When DS was really young it was a FTM kind of thing. Finding a working routine with him (with sleep mostly) seemed very difficult and once it worked I was apprehensive that other people aside from us would be able to get him to sleep comfortably. Plus it was a while before he was STTN and I think it's a lot to ask for someone to have to get up with him. Once he got a little older there wasn't really anyone to watch him. We have family around, but my mom stopped offering (not sure why, but their house is a zoo anyway) and not only do I not feel 100% comfortable with her providing care, but I also feel it's a lot to ask of her, especially when she's not requesting it herself. Other family has never really offered.
The idea of a child-free overnight or even a vacation sounds good in theory, but when it comes down to it, I don't think I have the desire to leave the kids for more than overnight right now. With DD, I don't think I'm ready to leave her for more than a couple of hours at this point.
I know that we could get a paid sitter, but the idea of finding one we trust seems daunting and then there's the monetary issue that comes along with it. I know we have family and friends around if it's an emergency, for sure, but just for fun? We're kind of in a tough spot right now. I can tell you that I'm really, REALLY dying for a date night with MH. We haven't had one for more than a year now. I know that's really on me, but I guess it's something I just need to work out. It boils down to I don't have anyone I feel really comfortable leaving the kids with for one reason or another and it's going to take me being proactive to find someone.
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I guess I'm baffled by why you can't put your marriage first without being away from your kids. There is plenty you can do in a daily basis to keep your marriage healthy and happy. And I would never pout my friends before my children.
Ditto QueSyrah.
We're in a season in our lives where kids are at the forefront. It won't always be that way and just because we don't frequently leave our kids doesn't mean our relationship is suffering. We still spend plenty of one-on-one time, it just happens to be at home while the kids are in bed. And we see friends plenty, as a couple and separately.
I don't judge how people need to keep their lives healthy and I think having kid-free time is great and even important sometimes, but it's going to look different for everyone. There's no need to jump to conclusions and think that just because someone has care of their kids all the time it means that other parts of their lives are constantly suffering.
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eh, this isn't true for my life at all. I still love going to a bar and eating buffalo wings with my dh or having a sushi dinner with friends at 8pm. Regardless of how my kids behave I still appreciate the things I can do without them in tow.
i agree with this
I also agree with this, especially the part about going out and not having to worry about them at all. It's much easier to focus on each other or yourself.
Eriously though. It's not a trust issue, it's more that I do t want to put people out. My family firmly believed that kids are your own responsibility and they won't take them for more than a few hours. My friends don't have/ want kids. I have one friend who has offered to take dd for a week as long as I have daycare for her, but that that just seems a lot to ask if a non relative. One of these days we want to go to Europe and the reality is that dd will probably go with. As someone said, it's a phase of life we are in right now. I don't know where I would find time to cultivate all sorts of new fried ships that I'd feel confident leaving dd with for days on end and it is not in the budget to hire a nanny so I can go on vacation.
I assume you're responding to me? Maybe not?
If so, I think your kids can absolutely be at the forefront of your focus even with plenty of kid-free time and I don't think a totally kid-free date night is the same as one-on-one time after they're in bed. I was just saying don't assume that parents aren't having any chance to connect, do their own thing, that their marriage is suffering, etc. just because they don't/won't/can't leave their kids in someone else's care. My point was people should do what they need (in a responsible way, of course) to keep themselves and their relationships happy and that's going to look different for everyone. I don't understand how or why people judge on this topic considering they only know their own experience. That's all.
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