Moms that work from home and have a sitter, wwyd?

ttag0511 · May 2013

We just started with a sitter last week or so and everything was great. I work out of our bedroom and we live in a small apartment so I hear all of the fussing and crying. I don't want to intrude but I have before and he's settled down so I know he just wants to be with me and/or I know how to care for him and get him settled.

Well today he is being super fussy and I feel so bad. I am texting her giving her tips to calm him and I don't want to keep going out there because I think it makes it worse, but he is literally screaming! I also don't want to be intrusive on our sitter as stated before..

He's only 9 months old. It's so hard to hear him being so fussy!

What would you do? My job is flexible I can go in and out of the room as much as I want to unless the phone rings. Am I being overbearing by going out there and texting her tips, etc?

FTM here btw.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

I would recommend letting the sitter work it out. She needs to learn your baby, and your baby needs to learn her/ learn that she's the one there for him. If you keep going out - neither will happen.

Is it ever possible to leave the apartment? As in take a laptop to STarbucks, or the library, or something like that? I think if you could leave and not hear and he knows you're not there - they'll work it out.

ttag0511 · May 2013

Thanks for the advice. I can't do that because calls are routed to a business phone through our router.

MagickalNarwhal · May 2013

Yeah, leave the house. You CANNOT keep going in there. I know how hard it is because I've been through the same, but eventually I had to just leave the house and let them work it out. Now I can "leave" to the basement, but I do an actual goodbye as if I were leaving the house, and try as hard as I possibly can not to be seen of heard. Like, if I need water, I text her to make sure he's out of the kitchen before I go.

You are probably also making your care giver feel like crap, honestly. Everyone I know who has done care typically hates caring for a kid when thr parents are around. It's stressful, esp if thr kid knows you are there. She is probably already feeling extra judged, but your texts to her might come across as more undermining than helpful, even though you really genuinely do mean them to help.

If you trust your care provider, then step out of the picture as much as possible. She isn't you and she isn't going to calm or soothe or entertain your kid the same way you do. When I let our nanny do her thing, she actually found ways to soothe my son that I never thought of or that didn't work when I tried them.

It's so hard, so you have my complete empathy!

MagickalNarwhal · May 2013

You posted as I was posting.... If you can't leave, can they leave?

Strunella · May 2013

We've had a nanny since DS was 4 months old. I work from home 1-2 days a week. I have never gone to investigate crying. Presumably, you've given her "tips" and mentioned his likes/dislikes when you went over the routine with her. That's enough. You hired her because you trust her to take care of your baby. She will figure out what works and doesn't work, based on what you've told her and based on her own experience. Frankly, I think it's insulting that you are texting her instructions. As pp mentioned, baby needs to learn to trust his caregiver and understand that she is capable of comforting him. That is never going to happen if Mama keeps swooping in.

ttag0511 · May 2013

She just started so she's still getting used to him. I'm not "instructing" her. Just saying what helps to calm him and suggestions. I hope she doesn't think I'm being rude I'm really not. I cannot leave and honestly not comfortable with him leaving : I'm going to have to stop popping in.

One thing that bothered me is I suggested her to put on Mickey Mouse because I heard him being hysterical and I came out to find it hasn't been put on although she was trying to soothe him. She had on a show she was watching and I don't mind that but making baby happy comes first. So I did turn it off and put on Mickey he immediately settled and was content the entire rest of the time. I'm a little upset about that.

ttag0511 · May 2013

Kimbus22:
ttag0511:
She just started so she's still getting used to him. I'm not "instructing" her. Just saying what helps to calm him and suggestions. I hope she doesn't think I'm being rude I'm really not. I cannot leave and honestly not comfortable with him leaving : I'm going to have to stop popping in. One thing that bothered me is I suggested her to put on Mickey Mouse because I heard him being hysterical and I came out to find it hasn't been put on although she was trying to soothe him. She had on a show she was watching and I don't mind that but making baby happy comes first. So I did turn it off and put on Mickey he immediately settled and was content the entire rest of the time. I'm a little upset about that.
I would assume she was trying to soothe him and not checking her texts. That's a good thing!

I would of too, except the fact she said she saw them and was going to reply but he got really fussy again. So the fact she didn't put on the show (even if she didn't reply back) at least she saw it, so that's what frustrated me!

I let it go though..

pinottoparenthood · May 2013

ttag0511:
Kimbus22:
ttag0511:
She just started so she's still getting used to him. I'm not "instructing" her. Just saying what helps to calm him and suggestions. I hope she doesn't think I'm being rude I'm really not. I cannot leave and honestly not comfortable with him leaving : I'm going to have to stop popping in. One thing that bothered me is I suggested her to put on Mickey Mouse because I heard him being hysterical and I came out to find it hasn't been put on although she was trying to soothe him. She had on a show she was watching and I don't mind that but making baby happy comes first. So I did turn it off and put on Mickey he immediately settled and was content the entire rest of the time. I'm a little upset about that.
I would assume she was trying to soothe him and not checking her texts. That's a good thing!
I would of too, except the fact she said she saw them and was going to reply but he got really fussy again. So the fact she didn't put on the show (even if she didn't reply back) at least she saw it, so that's what frustrated me!
I let it go though..

Not trying to be too judgey, because my baby is only a month so I will be the first to admit that I don't know as much about taking care of a 9-month-old... but is Mickey Mouse on TV really how you want your child to be soothed? Do you want your child to learn to associate watching TV with feeling happy, content, and soothed? It sounds like maybe you should just let the nanny do her thing and get her groove.

I nannied for years, and I was a nanny for a baby who was only a couple months old. In the beginning, she cried all of the time and it was really frustrating for her mother and for me. The mother was breastfeeding, so obviously sometimes she had to come in and feed the baby... after awhile, however, she went into the basement, left us alone upstairs, and started letting me give the baby bottles of breastmilk. Things got WAY better. Once mom was completely out of the picture, baby got used to me and we were both happy. I had a wonderful, positive relationship and worked with the family for several years. We are still close.

Honestly, if that mom hadn't been able to eventually step out of the picture completely and give me time to work things out with the baby, I would have probably quit after a little while because things wouldn't have gotten better. Believe me, it's awkward for the nanny and she doesn't like the baby crying any more than you do.

I agree with PP's that you need to give more space, but it sounds like you're really not open to that. In fact, you have kind of shot down everyone's suggestions, so I'm not sure why you asked this question in the first place. Just my two cents.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

ttag0511:
She just started so she's still getting used to him. I'm not "instructing" her. Just saying what helps to calm him and suggestions.

But coming from the mom who is sitting in the next room listening to all this... how do you think that's going to come across?

Honestly, I feel sorry for your nanny. She really can't figure this out because she always knows you're "there" and listening and is probably constantly on edge wondering "how soon before she comes out? what am I doing wrong this time?".

Temp123197812503460 · May 2013

EastCoastBride:
ttag0511:
She just started so she's still getting used to him. I'm not "instructing" her. Just saying what helps to calm him and suggestions.
But coming from the mom who is sitting in the next room listening to all this... how do you think that's going to come across?
Honestly, I feel sorry for your nanny. She really can't figure this out because she always knows you're "there" and listening and is probably constantly on edge wondering "how soon before she comes out? what am I doing wrong this time?".

this.

but im also surprised you let her watch tv while she is there taking care of your kid (imo she should be playing with them or otherwise doing things around the house) and i also dont see why you want her to use tv to sooth your kid at all.

rockychryslerb2010 · May 2013

I mainly work from home, E is 17 months, and we've had the same nanny for over a year. When she first started, I tried to let her work it out as much as possible. Hearing the crying was HARD for me, but I put on DH's noise cancelling headphones. When E started to refuse bottles, I would come down only after a certain amount of time . I will say there is no right or wrong way to work it out, you have to do what works for you, nanny and baby. We were very open with our nanny when we were searching and we had some applicants decline an interview when they found out one parent was going to be home most of the time. I tried to limit going downstairs at all in the early days. You have to use your best judgement as a parent, I would try to let our nanny work it out, give her time. It will be hard, but better for everyone in the long run. Looking back, I think we set a time limit in the early days, together. So for example, if nanny couldn't get him to take a bottle or calm down in 10-15 min, I would come down. I think that is how we handled it in the early days, and we decided on the timeline together and lengthened it until it was really not necessary. I think as a mom it is very hard to hear them upset and not go running, so the time limit helped me manage those emotions.

Now, E loves our nanny. I can come and go as I please, and he waves goodbye to me as I walk upstairs to my office. He checks in my office before going down for a nap. They have their own routine and rapport, and I also know E's cries. I rarely have to step in at all, I try not to. But times when he is really in pain (usually teething or sickness), I will come down to help. Usually it is good to have an extra set of hands to give meds or take temp anyway.

As for TV, that was a no in our house, until just recently. She can watch TV while E is napping, but I'm not paying he to stick my child in front of a TV. Just last week she asked if he could watch mickey mouse clubhouse while she got his lunch ready, and I said yes, that was fine. As it is, he only sits still for the first 5-10 min anyway, but it gives her a chance to get organized.

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