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Blended Families
Littlejen22
member
Did twink delete?
Littlejen22
member
It would not let me reply again and now it is gone. I don't have any idea why it would be deleted. Either way honestly I would think it was weird if someone without kids wanted to hangout at my play date unless I knew them before kids n
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Did twink delete?
Yes she did. She deleted because I may have pointed out a couple of facts that may not sit well with her....
1) that its rather sad that after at least 4 years of visitation she could not come up with any stories about her stepkids or questions about parenting that she could use as an icebreaker with these women (ie bring the stepkids around the neighborhood kids on those visitation days)
2) that even with moving closer to the children (something she had been kvetching about doing for years and the reason why she was able to get her husband to move) they only see these kids 6 days out of the month. Isnt that about the amount they saw the kids before?
It was probably my fault. I'm mean like that sometimes and had a rough morning and didn't feel like dealing with her BS.
ETA: I didn't get to see Ilumine's post but I brought up similar stuff and of course suggested that she could talk about her nieces since she loves them more than her SSs anyway.
So they finally moved? I must have been on my hiatus if she updated before now. Last I remember she was upset about being so far from everything and that she was upset about not being hugged goodbye or something, but another family member's new GF got a huge one. Idk...
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
WOW. I know some of you can't see beyond drama and therefore live on this board thriving to create it. I simply don't like the drama.
Just to take the mystery out of it...I deleted b/c I simply don't like the drama. I had an honest question and was hoping for an honest answer. Thanks to those of you who offered that.
And some of you can't move beyond the fact that my blended family situation SUCKED for a long time. I'm not afraid to admit it, and I never was. My B-family has been extremely difficult; my life changing decisions have been difficult as well.
But clearly I've moved on. I am an extremely happy person; and my H and I are just as much in love as we were 7 yrs ago when we met. It was so strong that after a year I moved across the country to be with him. It hasn't all been easy, but we've stuck together and worked through it. Life has its ups and downs. The downs sure do help you appreciate the ups; that's the one thing I've learned through all my experiences. That and the relationship my H and I have developed.
But I promise the good makes it all worth it. So I wish you all would stop bringing up things from YEARS ago and MOVE ON.
It's too bad to see that many of you have not as I have. I have a lot of good to offer many people, so your comments won't get me side tracked
But if it makes you feel better to dwell on it, go ahead!
And our financial situation that was once overwhelming, b/c of H's divorce & medical expenses for autistic SS, couldn't be better now! Our house is over $500k (and we had 2 other houses in our names at the time, still paid 20% down). I just paid cash for a new Lexus and we have money in the bank! We've stuck through it and life is good!
Twink, seriously WTF? I was about to write asking how things are with your SSs now. And I answered your question with my honest answer that as a SAHM I no longer have anything in common with working nonMoms. And above I said that I I would find it weird I a nonMom wanted to hang at a play date. That is being honest and not me calling you weird but me saying I would find it weird. I have no idea what was said on the other post but why bring up your finances? That makes you look insecure and a little crazy and very defensive. I remember your posts about CS and the cost of therapies andhow it made things tight an that you guys were still ok though. It was always obvious that you had money and I never thought it was said for anything but background before but I have no clue what it has to do with your last post or this one and honestly has No bearing on my thoughts of you.
Little Jen - I appreciated your insights b/c your answer is just what I suspected and why I didn't feel like I fit in. That's exactly what I was asking.
You say that finances had nothing to do with my post. But neither did the comments from the past that people were bringing up. The ONLY reason I brought up our finances is b/c it was one of the things that I posted about early on b/c my H's finances were something I was stressed about and brought up b/c of his situation. And as I stated, many on this board seem to remember all the negativity about my past. That is one of the areas that have turned around 100%, and I'm proud that we've been able to do so!
I certainly don't share that info with people in a real-life setting!
In all honesty Twink, not one of us replied in a nasty fashion. We offered up, what was solid advice to your question...
How do I fit into my neighborhood of SAHMs when I do not have kids.....which is USE THE KIDS YOU HAVE (from your husband's children to your nieces) IF YOU ARE SO SURE THEY ARE GOING TO REJECT YOU FOR BEING AN OVER 34 WIFE.
To be honest, it is extremely offensive that you actually had the gall to dismiss us stepmothers who actually LIVED this very situation AND YET, no one called you out on that.
The fact of the matter is, you are not all that happy. All the money, all the houses, all the highend cars do not make a person happy. Because a happy person would not have a nephew in law's lack of hug force her crying to her husband, A happy and content with herself person would not worry that the local ladies who lunch will look down on her because she has not reproduced yet. A happy, content and fully yoked person would finally look at her stepchildren as hers to the extent that she can, because a happy, content, fully yolked person would never allow a child's need for love and support be undermined.
I am the first to admit that I have had horrible, awful, divorce talk enducing times with my DH and SS. But I have never ever never let my anger or discomforted or flat out dislike of the situation or even my DH and SS ever come before doing what was best for SS to get him to be the best that he can be.
The day that my SS pushed my DH and I apart so we could not have an Anniversary Hug was a great example. While I knew what he was doing, was pissed at his manipulative antics and did not like him at that point...I never let him see me sweat and I made damn sure that I and he and DH at least TRIED to work through it as a family.
My attempts may have been thwarted by my DH's crappy responses, but damn it I never gave up on my SS.
And I would never have forgotten or ignored his presence with my peers like you seemed to have done with your stepchildren.
And THAT, my dear is why you are not perfectly happy in your life. Because if you were perfectly happy in your life, you would have paraded them around your neighborhood the day you arrived. And THUS you would have had your in with the womenfolk. But it never occurred to you to do that....because your perfectly happy life does not include your husband's children.
And that is my soapbox today. You can go back to your happy little life. And you may even be able to break through and make some friends. But when your DH looks back on his life and the lack of relationship he has with his first set of kids, he may just resent you a little (given he has not shown a backbone thus far) or even a lot.
Illume, my dear...I will tell you that YOU are the last person that I need defining what happiness is to me. I have told you that you have probably scared the hell out of your SS and your H. You come across as so far from happy that I'm nearly laughing that YOU are trying to describe happiness for me and to tell me that I haven't found it. It could look you in the fact and you wouldn't know it.
I can guarantee you that I have found it. And what I as an individual, a woman with my own, goals, dreams and accomplishments, do not need what you may need in your life to find happiness. And I can sure as hell be happy without parading 2 little boys that aren't my children around my new neighborhood. There's more to my life than that.
It's not the money, the house, the car, but the relationships that I have with those that are important to me. It's my family, my friends, it's my marriage. And then after that comes the fulfillment I get from my career and my own personal accomplishments. It's all that I've experienced with my health trials that I've dealt with for the past 5 years and all that I've learned from it and grown from it. Become a better person for it.
Who are you to judge whether or not I've found happiness? The happiness that I have is complex, based on so many things, based on ups and downs, trial and error. The list goes on, but it's all shaped who I am today. And that is a happy and confident woman with many more goals ahead but looking forward to them.
PS - Illume, your post has another example of exactly what I've stated. You don't have the facts straight, many of the facts. "the lack of a hug by a nephew-n-law...." What? You don't even remember the story that's nearly 2 years ago AT ALL.
It was not a nepehew's hug. I could give a *** less whether I hug my H's nephew. And that doesn't define happiness either. THAT"S EXACTLY WHAT I"M TALKING ABOUT and WHY I DELETED THE POST.
And I didn't state that anyone brought up ugly comments. They (and you) brought up things from the past that have no relation to the ? I was asking, so it told me that many of you haven't moved on from that. I did not want to dig up my past by asking that ?. But you've decided to do so anyway.
Twinkl, I just read your OP.
To answer, I honestly do not have many friends who are not parents. But I would not snub a woman who didn't have kids.
It's just hard because (at least in my head) I can't imagine having the same schedule as someone who doesn't have kids. And I hate being a person invited to do something and saying no, we have karate tonight, no, DS has too much homework, no, we have a million errands to run Saturday morning.
But I don't like to have a ton of friends. I'm really happy with like 2-3 people (including MH) to do things with. More than that stresses me out.
FWIW, I would leave a book club where everyone just wanted to talk about their kids. I don't mind some chatter here and there, but I would be pretty pissed to get time away from my kids to just blab about them the whole time.
"but the relationships that I have with those that are important to me. It's my family, my friends, it's my marriage"
^^ THIS. THIS is why people do the cringe when you talk about things.
I didn't read your OP, and when I posted about the hugging incident, I was posting the last thing I remembered about you. I have been absent for a while, and I was trying to catch up on what had happened in that gap. I didn't think it was 2 years ago... but I've been known to screw up time lines. That was just the latest I remembered of your 'story'. Sorry if I offended, or upset you.
But the quote above, it is apparent that you don't include your step children in this. when you say 'your family', you don't mean them. You are talking about your nieces. From what you have posted (that I remember), you have not bonded at all with your step children. Which is fine, that's fine, but then you complain about certain aspects of your BF that probably wouldn't be problems in the first place, if you took the time to bond with them and make them more comfortable around you.
Thirdly, I think your bragging was really in poor taste with the money.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Well....if you were so secure in your family, friends and marriage, then why are you so insecure around your neighbors that you have to ask a group of internet strangers how to interact with them?
If you were so happy and confident in your family, then why do you not include your stepchildren in that equation?
I have often wondered what it is about my marriage and relationship with my stepchildren that you find scary?
It can't be that I have ignored my SChildren's presence, but actually work with professionals to set reasonable expectations and boundaries.
It can't be that I actually stood up for myself, my child, my stepchild and even my husband's emotional well being by not accepting my SS's bad behavior all the while still actively parenting him - you know, being his advocate with his doctors, teachers, coaches, mother, friends, etc or being the one who clothed him, ensured he had access to friends and extra cirriculars, did his homework, fed him, stood up FOR him when his father was overbearing or taken on the exgirlfriend who tried to claim that he threatened her (a charge that I never once thought was truthful).
It can't be that after the last 5 years of trials, tribulations, and tears, my SS is now pretty much an age appropriate 17yo young man who will actively play with his 4 yo sister, go golf with his father and comes up to me and gives me unsolicited hugs and who calls me ESM (the NN his sister gave me to show her love and affection without getting their mother's panties in a bunch) infront of his mother.
So maybe I have sounded uncompromising, harsh, and downright angry with the actions/reactions of my DH and SS. And maybe I was not happy with what they were doing. But at least I can go to bed knowing that my neighbors know that I have a stepchild.
1. Money doesn't buy happiness.
2. The people that talk the most about money, often have a lot less than others.... they have more debt.
3. No one likes a braggart... perhaps this is why the neighbours don't like you?
4. The nephew thing wasn't 2 years ago. (Unless you brought it up way after). I remember it, and I've been back on the Bump just over a year.
I can definitely see that, particularly if you do EOW instead of 50/50.
But as I said in the other thread, you really don't know until you try to talk to people. I have friends with no kids, older kids, college aged kids, etc. You can't just assume people won't befriend you.
Click me, click me!
Oh absolutely. I didn't see the OP, so idk the context of her complaint. My core group of friends hasn't shunned me, though our relationships are different than they were before they had kids. Most of my friends are older, partly because they are awesome and partly bc they have the flexibility that people with young kids don't have. But it is very hard to make new friends my age, give or take a few years, as they are all focused on the mommy thing.
Mary, the OP was basically describing how the ladies in her new neighborhood are always out playing with their kids or watching their kids and they all talk to each other. Twinkl wants to get to know her neighbors but fears their unacceptance of her not having kids. Hence the reason, the SKs and nieces were brought up. But we are all dwelling on the "past" even though this is clearly still a "present" situation. I did ask if she might anxiety meds because to me, every post about kids (except her nieces) she seems high strung about.
I have friends that do not have kids, the only "new" friends I have met without kids is through my church though. We only know our neighbors across the street and the ones on our left hand side and we have lived here 6 years. They both have kids close to DD and SD's ages. That said, my two best friends do not have kids. They, however, do not mind my talking about kids and one will tell me stories of her niece and the other of her younger brother if we are on a kid topic. They are definitely not uncomfortable about talking about kids. My very best friend has offered to be DS's guardian should anything happen to both of us and is willing to deal with our Ex's to make sure he sees both sets of kids. I don't think women without bio-kids are weird at all and especially ones dealing with infertility and I wouldn't judge whether to be friends with them or not based on that fact alone. I would however, not choose to be friends with someone if I found out they do not treat their SKs like a part of their family because to me, that is wrong. I can't even see how someone could be married to someone that doesn't treat their kids as part of their family in the same sense as at least a niece or nephew.
Felles ? I understand your comments. I?ve considered leaving the book club, but I figure I should give more effort to try to get to know people despite the lack of things in common. I also like a smaller number of close relationships.
Karatechrissy ? I did not intend to EXCLUDE my skids by saying family. And I suppose that if I would?ve separated skids from family, I would?ve been wrong for that too? The bottom line is it really doesn?t matter what I say. You all have decided and confirmed my relationship with my s-kids. Therefore, I have no desire to try to say more about it.
The hugging incident was Nov./Thanksgiving of 2011, nearly 2 yrs ago. And it did not about hugging a nephew. It was about my SS. But you did not offend me; thanks for the apology though
I referenced the financial situation b/c you all seem to remember all of the negativity from my life; and when I first posted here over 5 yrs ago, this was a frustration I posted about. In an effort to say how things have changed for me, this is one of those accomplishments. It wasn?t to brag (believe me, I wouldn?t state this info outside of here), but I totally see why you would say that. I just specifically remember Felles saying that she didn?t know if she could even stay in the relationship I was in given all of the stresses that I was under, including the financial situation my H was in b/c of his previous marriage/children?s medical. And it was pretty impactful to me to hear someone as honest as Felles make that comment (I still remember!).
But I?m proud that we stuck it out and worked through it. That was the only reason I brought it up. I can bring up struggles but not success with finances, I guess
Mary ? yes, thank you. I?m glad you recognize and relate to my dilemma. And in social circles, you?re right, having skids and biokids is not perceived as the same (b/c it?s not). And I do feel snubbed when I tell people about that. My H even noticed it at a neighborhood gathering last summer. He felt the same way about people's reaction to us. I am mid-30's now and definitely feel the pressure and differences of not having biokids now...in some social circles; with my long-term friends it doesn't matter either. (what makes it worse for me is that I want biokids; I've been diagnosed w/ unexplained infertility after 3+ yrs of trying).
And I know you?ve defended me and told me like it is as well?I?ve always appreciated your posts, Mary.
Hindsight ? I have tried talking to people. I?ve gone up and introduced myself to at least 3 neighbors that were outside. Done the same at 2 other neighborhood events, but it never goes any further. That?s why I?m asking, should I be more forward or would it be weird to them b/c we don?t have similar lifestyles. Anyway, I think I have my answer to that question.
Illume ? I?m not going to continue to reply to you and battle over whether you think I?m happy. It does?nt matter. And I?m also not going to re-list all of the things I have done for my SSs as you have done. But, believe me, I have made sacrifices, plenty of them as well as effort.
It was along the lines of ... I'm also 34, married, trying for three years and in an area where everyone has kids. Here's what I did ....
I have no intention if retyping!!
Gin - this is exactly what I'm talking about. you' re making lots of assumptions that are inaccurate.
1. When did I say that I am unable to carry on a conversation about children? That was NEVER stated. I am 100% capable to relating to people b/c I have neices and s-kids. However, when the moms are all together with their toddlers playing and I have my wonderful stories, it's not the same. Do you not get that?
2. What do you mean that I don't treat my s-kids like my family? Have you been to my home lately to observe this? Based on what? B/c blended family has been difficult...guess what, that is very common. I've read numerous books and talked to enough people to know that. but you know what, it is what it is and I deal with it, just like everybody else. And how do you know things haven't improved? I haven't been on this board with a complaint, in fact, only a postive update within the last year. How do you know how I treat my family?
I'm going off all of your prior posts. We have had countless discussions about your not viewing them as part of your family. About how you don't even think of them the same level as your nieces. You have never posted anything saying everything has changed and you now think they are part of your family. So I am going off of what you have said.You flat out said that multiple times in the past.
I also never said you couldn't carry on a conversation with people without kids. I just said that you seem to get uncomfortable around children that aren't your nieces, given what you have said in your prior posts. I don't think that means you will be uncomfortable about your own possible future child (so don't think I'm saying that). I'm talking about other people's children. I gave some info about my friends because they don't have kids and they are still my best friends so I do think it's possible for you to be friends with these neighbors. I think you are over-analyzing the kid thing.
I don't judge people for having bio-kids versus step-kids differently because a SP has to do some parenting in their home, it's inevitable. Some people might, but that's no different than anything else someone is judged for on a daily basis so I wouldn't worry about it.
And if you are referring to me about "crazy characters" I am far from crazy. I have lived on virtually all sides of the blended family (as a child, as a BM and as a SM). The one thing that kills blending of the family is to treat the children like they aren't a part of the family. So if things have changed for you, why don't you post an update with some positives and perhaps you might see different types of responses.
Gin - I am not coming on the board to prove to you people that my situation is better b/c I don't care to. I don't have to prove myself to this board. Any time I've ever posted anything positive, I get ZERO responses. Believe me, nobody cares about that; they just love the drama.
And to state that I'm uncomfortable around kids is RIDICULOUS. I have TONS of my kids in my family, always have. No problems with kids in general. There's a big difference in kids in general and a blended family. That's why there's counseling & tons of books on the topic.
I was not calling anyone here a crazy character. There were LITERALLY lots of weird characters that copied from the email where I drafted my posted and copied it to this board. I was finally able to delete them.
Hopkana - you can snub me here. I really don't care b/c my friends and family, co-workers, spouse know the person that I am. This board that is supposed to be supportive of blended families is not. If someone struggles in the role of a stepmom, which is quite common, they are snubbed here. You're right about that, and that's the way many of you have reacted to my being honest about how difficult it has been.
But there are some fantastic people on this board that haven't snubbed me, and that's why I've continued to come back. Just like Mary's post above, where she said she has taken up for me. B/c she knows I'm a real and honest person that isn't afraid to admit when things suck.
The neighbors dont' know a damn thing about my blended family, just that I'm in one. And THAT is why we got the reaction we did. Many of you may think they're wonderful, but plenty of people don't agree with that. B/c it's not the norm and it's not easy.
I know I'm guilty of not usually responding to positive posts. My only excuse is that my time is often limited, so if I don't have something to add I don't post.
In any case, I agree with Wendi that maybe you're projecting a bit with the blended family issue. We live in a pretty expensive part of town, and it's never been an issue for us. It's true that most of DS's friends have 'intact' families, but many of the parents have been through a divorce (just not with kids involved) or have adopted a child. Several of his friends' parents have siblings whose families are blended. So I've never felt there was a single model of 'normal.' I've also never felt judged.
What I think is more likely is that if you think it's abnormal and hard, people are sensing that and don't know how to respond. Perhaps that's a small part of the overall challenge of making friends with women who are full time moms?
May not agree with OP, but I agree with this ^ comment. My ILs treat my SS's BM as important BECAUSE she is his mother. Even though she was a one night stand that got knocked up and has never been a good mother to her child. And I'm being treated as a "temporary" person even though DH and I have been together for 6 years and married for 2.5 yrs. It may not happen to everyone, but it happens to some of us. As if I won't be validated as his "wife" and welcomed into the family until I have a baby with my DH. And I don't relate to OP because I LOVE my SS and would DIE to have him live with us instead of his crazypants BM.