Quality of life with 3+ kids?

welly01 · May 2013

I would love to have a big family but DH really only wants two kids at the most because he wants to provide a certain lifestyle for them. He grew up very poor and wants to be able to give his kids the luxuries he never had.

For those that have 3+ kids, how do you plan to handle cars, college, etc? Heck, not even big ticket items, just the monthly food bill, lol. I want a big family for when we are older and want grandkids, etc. But DH only sees dollar signs. How do I convince him that college for 3+ kids is manageable or that not everyone has to have a new car (or a car at all)? Are you sacrificing saving for retirement or emergencies? Do you feel like the more kids you have the less each of them get luxury-wise? Do you feel like you're "scrapping by" with so many kids or is it possible to have a balanced budget? (I know its possible...how do you do it?)

MammaBear81 · May 2013

Yes, it's possible, no it's not for everyone. DH and I do not have new cars, nor do we care to. Money is very tight right now, but it is due to some extensive job losses in the past few years and we are "rebuilding our savings" right now.

That being said, my kids still have swim lessons, soccer, dance, etc. We have cell phones, cable TV all of the usually "extras" families have. The kids are sharing rooms right now (one boys room one girls room), but we will eventually put an addition on to accommodate more bedrooms and bathrooms.

DH and I are not very materialistic, so we are able to work on a much smaller budget than most people, and have no debt besides our home. Our food bill for the month is $600 (this includes paper towels, toilet paper etc). We buy in bulk and have a chest freezer and pantry downstairs to keep things like meat, pasta, laundry detergent so we can really take advantage of coupons and sales.

We learned that it is cheaper to get "family season passes" to a few places than pay each time we go somewhere. This allows us to still do a lot of activities without breaking the bank.

Clothing budget is minimal since the older children pass down to the younger ones. I buy things here and there but I basically buy a new wardrobe for the two oldest, and then their stuff gets handed down.

We have started college savings, and we plan to pay for college for all of the kids. Our mortgage will be paid off by then so if we need to take out a loan we can, our plan is not to, but we will not make the kids pay for college (maybe their food, housing, expenses etc, but not main tuition).

Netty_3 · May 2013

OKay...this is coming from a third child...and while I'm well adjusted and because of my experience am the most responsible and independent person out of all my siblings...here's my experience. (My little brother is 9 years younger so there was a big gap there...the rest of us are spaced pretty evenly and close (2-3 years apart)).

I was the only kid to: Not get a car, not ever get a bike, not get a college graduation party, not get a prom dress or frills for that, and typically that along with any other rite of passage thing, a lot of my parties and what not were downplayed (I know that may seem selfish) ...and I think it's all because by the time it was my turn they couldn't afford it anymore, but able to have enough money for my little brother...and while I'm an adult who understands...it hurt at the time, I never said anything because I was responsible and knew if the money wasn't there it wasn't there...and I just had to suck it up. Like I say though...it was a character builder, and I earn my own way and have no expectations of anything from others. My older brother is an entitled jerk at times...so maybe I'm better off.

That being said I always had everything I ever needed, and I am happy with my life and childhood experiences because we're a great family. My mom and dad gave what they could and kept a good home of love, values, and we did have more than most...so maybe just know what you can afford to offer each one and be fair about it.

WhitWed · May 2013

DH comes from a family of 5 kids (he was the youngest). His mother stayed home while his dad worked and started a company. It was really tight for him growing up. His older siblings got to go on vacations (Disneyworld, etc.), play sports, and do other activities. By the time DH was old enough to do these things his parents were divorcing, filing for bankruptcy, and he had to get a hardship license and job at 14. He also put himself entirely through college and was one of two that graduated (the others all dropped out). He and his siblings aren't that close. Not to mention DH's grandparents had 5 kids who each went on to have 5+ kids. So they ended up with 38 grandchildren (DH's generation) and close to 70 great-grandchildren (DD's generation). Sure family reunions are neat, but they can't do anything for birthdays, keep the kids' names straight, or even make it to functions or weddings without showing favortism. So DH's experiences with a big family weren't that great. Again, that's just his experience.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, it was just my sister and me. We were well off, played sports, traveled, and were able to have help with college. We're also very close. After much discussion about our experiences, and goals for our family, we decided 2 was enough for us. Not that any family unit is better than another, but for us, this is what we feel is best. So you just have to weigh what's important for you and your children and have family plans and goals for any situation and any family size. I know big families who make it work and are close. I also know small families who barely speak to each other. So it is what you make it!

st.augbride · May 2013

I honestly feel that if certain things will be sacrificed, by being able to pay for your kids' college tuition, then it's not worth it. I know several recent college grads with crazy loans that are just starting to come due, and it is more stressful than they expected and will limit their ability to buy homes, do things, etc... It's intense. I also tend to value family vacations and would hate to sacrifice that, but that's just me. I am also an only child so the thought of 2 is a big family to me! : )

MammaBear81 · May 2013

I think it all comes down to how well you manage money. The "American way" is to rack up credit card bills and buy things you can't afford. With 1-2 kids you can probably get away with that for a much longer time (like until after your kids go to college). If you really want a large family you have to start living on what you make, and that's it. If you don't have the money for it, you don't buy it. I made the one exception for our house because in our area it's just too expensive to wait and have enough cash to buy even a small 2 bedroom house (which is why a lot of large families live in areas that do not have a HCOL).

Looking at the people who have had bad experiences is not because their family was large, it was because they didn't manage their money well. "My older siblings did sports, had cars, etc, but when it came to me, they didn't have enough money"- that is poor planning. Now I don't plan on buying each of my kids their own car on their 16th birthday, if that is important to you then plan appropriately for it.

I agree with the other posters that say college debt is stressful, which is why we will pay for college (no matter what), but kids who have EVERYTHING paid for them in life tend to have an entitled attitude, and I'm not having any of that!

I came from a small family and I still started babysitting when I was 11, got a job waitress when I was 15. It's not that I HAD to work to pay for my stuff, it's that my parents wanted me to understand what working for my money meant.

I'm not saying everyone go out and have 12 kids, but if a large family is what you want, then think about if you have the desire and ability to be debt free.

rockychryslerb2010 · May 2013

Right now we just have E and are undecided about 2 or 3, but I was the middle of three children. My parents were very frugal. We grew up in a nice house in the suburbs in a very well-to-do town, but my mom was a teacher (later principal) and my dad an engineer who worked in manufacturing and went through multiple rounds of layoffs.

I'd say growing up we never wanted for anything, but we never had anything extra. My parents drove cars into the ground, buying a 'new' used car only when absolutely necessary. My car in high school and when I was home from college was a 1983 mini van, all my siblings drove it. We did one family beach trip to OBX a year, but there were some years my grandparents had to help my parents out because money was so tight. I first went to Disney when I was 16 years old. I hated my hand me down clothes from my older sister.

At the time, I thought it was such a horrible way to grow up. But, I never wanted for anything and I was able to participate in all the sports and activities I wanted to. I've had a job since I was 15 and learned how to be responsible with money. I am extremely grateful to my parents for the help they were able to give for college. I chose a reasonable priced university, came out with very little debt and selected a very marketable major. I was able to pay off the 2-3k i had in student loans by my second year working. I work with people who went to fancy private, ivy league schools who paid close to $1000/month in student loans. Guess what, we ended up in the same position, making the same money, right out of college. So I agree college is expensive, but there are options out there. My parents were very up front with you will have x amount per year, anything else you will have to find a way to finance.

You have to decide what is right for you, what are you willing to sacrifice? In my parents' case, they sacrificed the material, 'in the moment' things to pay for the long lasting things like a special vacation memory, college and their retirement! Looking back, I wouldn't change it because my parents were so great at making memories - my most cherished memories from growing up have nothing to do with material things. H and I know that we live very comfortably right now, but we want to provide experiences for our kids that we didn't get growing up. We know we can do that with 2 kids, but three might be a stretch.

Stella2008 · May 2013

DH and I are currently pregnant with our 3rd child. We were leaning towards having another one, but had not yet made the decision when surprise! we are having a 3rd. I think I would be crazy panicked right now if I did not feel that we were financially secure enough for this baby. But you know what? Looking back, we made lots of decisions way back when to be able to have the choice of a larger family and be able to afford it. When others laughed at the fact that we bought a larger home in a good school district, we just said, you'll see. And now, all of our friends who are stuck in their 1 br condos with 2 kids and crappy schools are not laughing anymore. We are naturally savers, and so we started saving for our kids college education before they were even born, and are on track to be able to fully pay for college for all 3 in addition to having our retirement fully "funded" and have the choice to retire early. Our only debt is our mortgage, and that will be paid off before we are 40 and long before the kids are in college.

It's all about the choices you make. We don't live in a fancy new house (although we have significantly renovated our home over the last 6 years), we saved until we could pay cash for our cars, and we are the type to value and spend money on experiences/education much more than "stuff". I also have chosen to continue to work, to ensure that our family is financially stable and we have two good incomes (not to mention I love my job).

I think our "quality of life" is great, and I'm optimistic that our kids would agree when looking back.

honeybee111 · May 2013

DH and I will only have two kids, but I am the oldest of 3, so I'm going to answer based on that. My parents managed their money VERY well with 3 kids, although I didn't realize it at the time. We never had designer clothes, we lived in a small house, we didn't ever have the latest and greatest toys. Birthdays and holidays were pretty simple. We didn't go on expensive vacations(maybe one short vacation a year). All three of us got our first jobs at 16. However, my parents fully funded all three of our college educations, and purchased our first cars for us. They did not sacrifice their retirement, either. I think it's definitely a prioritizing decision in terms of what is important to you and your DH as parents. When I was young, I did feel like I was missing out on say, the expensive designer jacket that all the other girls in my class had. But, to graduate college with no debt? I'm so grateful to my parents for giving me such a head start in my adult life. I'm hoping that DH and I can do the same for our kids.

MammaBear81 · May 2013

mbenit4:
Mamabear - I didn't know you were pregnant, congrats!

Thanks!

itsmevkb · May 2013

Unless you are super rich, having a bunch of kids means trade offs and with some things, it's also a matter of your perspective on things. My husband and I don't believe it's 100% our responsibility to send our kids to college. They each have a fund set up for them and will be able to use that money but they will be expected to pay part of their own way. They will be expected to work. I highly doubt any of them will get a car handed to them on their 16th birthday and growing up in our house, I highly doubt they would ever expect one.

So, no to fully paid college tuition and also most likely no to things like super extravagant family vacations but yes to road trips across the USA. No to each kid having their own bedroom but yes to each getting to play the sport of their choice. No to each kid having their own Ninetendo DS but yes to sharing one. Yes to cell phones if they want to pay for them themselves and yes to any book they ever want me to buy them.

We know there will be things our kids miss out on simply because we either don't have the money for it or perhaps even the time for it, but our hope is that our kids will always know how loved and wanted they are and I know it's sounds hokey, but hopefully that will be enough.

Khaleesi07 · May 2013

To the OP, I'm in a similar situation, except my boyfriend and I are expecting our first, I definitely want at least two, and while he would be happy to have more kids, he doesn't want to try for more if we end up not being able to afford it.

He works in non-profit, and while he has excellent benefits, his salary definitely isn't enough for a family of four to live on, and that stresses him out I think. On the other hand, I work in marketing/sales, and while I earn an entry level salary, I've been at my company for less than a year, and I'm hopefully *knock on wood* looking at a promotion within the next couple of months. Even though I'm in an entry level job, I know I have good opportunity to advance and make more money. As of right now, our combined income will be fine to support ourselves and our new LO. I just figure we will play it by ear...if I continue to do well at my job and earn a bigger salary within the next few years, hopefully we can discuss having another one or two.

With my family, I was one of four girls. My mom was a stay at home mom, aside from a few part-time job stints. My parents had my older sister and I back to back, then seven years later had my two younger sisters back to back. I definitely feel like we had everything we needed, birthday parties, dance classes, and family outings/vacations. There were times us older sisters felt like we had less "extras" in favor of our younger sisters. Their pre-teen and teenage years, they had a lot more "extras" than my older sister and myself because my parents had more money to give them since they were supporting two kids instead of four. We understood for the most part, I got a job when I was 16, baby-sat, and did odd jobs for my grandmother to earn extra money. I'm definitely more self-sufficient than my younger sisters. One of them is 21, still totally dependent on my parents, never had a job in her life, no license or car, and while she's a good person and we're close, she's incredibly lazy and spoiled.

They didn't save a penny for any of us to go to college, and while I don't think a parent is obligated to pay for a child's ENTIRE college education, having a small nest egg saved would have been nice. I lived in an off-campus apartment, and my parents did help me buy groceries, furniture, and gave me money here and there to help with rent if I really needed it, which I'm definitely grateful for, but I think having a savings account for those things would have been helpful too.

I don't plan on fully funding my child's college education, as I feel that education should be partially her responsibility as an adult, she should contribute and be prepared to either earn a scholarship or budget for some loans. At the same time, I feel that as a parent I should at least have a year or two's worth of tuition saved up to give her a head start. I think learning to budget and handle loans is important, and there's no hardship in graduating college with some loans to payoff, but I don't want her to be drowning in debt either. I went to a community college for two years, then transferred to a reasonably priced 4 year school. Our state has a program where if you go to a community college and maintain a 3.0 gpa, you can go to your choice of state university for only 1/3 of the cost. While college is expensive, kids also have options that they should be responsible for, so I'm ok with getting her started but having her contribute as well.

I definitely think it's important to not live beyond your means, but don't stress out about the material things. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with my sisters and I wouldn't trade that for a million "things".

krub · May 2013

not necessarily by choice, but we have a large gap btwn #2 and #3 which has made having 3 kids very doable and affordable. We do have help from family for childcare now, which has greatly decreased my childcare bill. But, I still pay plenty between daycare, summer camp and activities.

We still take vacations, but our budget has not changed much from 2-3 kids. We're budget travelers right now b/c I don't see the point in spending a lot on that sort of thing with young kids.

As far as college goes, I do want them to be responsible for some part of it b/c I want them to take it seriously. If they happen to get a scholarship, that will be their portion. And, I'm entirely open to them doing undergrad at a local college or only going away to a regional or state college if they get a scholarship. College is going to be ridiculously expensive by the time they go and I really don't know many families that will be able to pay for it 100%.

My kids will not be getting new cars until they buy them on their own. I will provide them with reasonable transportation. I will also expect them to work a reasonable amount to pay for gas for their car and things they want beyond necessities. That has nothing to do with having 3 kids and everything to do with wanting them to grow up being responsible for themselves.

Life would definitely be easier with less kids, but I don't think it would be as full or fun for us.

I'm also the middle of 3 and always said I would never do it. There's a large gap between me and my younger sister too so I really knew what life was like without her. But, when push came to shove, we just didn't feel done with 2 kids. And, I think that my negativity toward 3 kids had absolutely to do with my parents and not money. My older kids love having a baby brother and wouldn't have it any other way.

gimmietimmies · May 2013

Congrats Mommabear! And ftr, my answer is fairly similar to yours. My kids get what they need, not necessarily what they want. They each have their own bedrooms, their own bikes and other nice things. They aren't decked out with the latest and greatest of everything, but they do have nice clothes (I'm big on consignment stores, and we have some here stuffed to the gills with clothes bnwt). If they want big ticket items, they have to save and earn. DS bought his xbox, dd1 bought herself a camera and video camera.

Post secondary, well, so far they've been told that if they choose to go to post secondary, they will be doing it on their own and to plan for it. DS is choosing the technical school route, and will be working summers and weekends to save for that and a car. DD1 is already saving. We haven't told them that we have savings for them. They have to want to do this, not because we want them to further their education and they feel obligated to do this to please us, but because they truly want it. DH and I both had parents that could well afford to pay our schooling and didn't. We both paid out of pocket for school, and neither of us had student loans.

All the kids (except S) are in activities, sports, arts programs. We don't have extravagant vacations or eat out a lot, so it evens out. They get just as many or more opportunities than their friends, so I don't feel that our/their quality of life is less than what it was when there were only one or two of them. We just cut out the fluff is all.

2chatter · May 2013

The money topic aside, there is a certain trade off in term of what you can do with your time. We have three, ages 9, 5 and 1. That means evenings are pick up kids, get dinner together, bath, nurse the youngest, get him down and then homework with the 9 year old, and reading with the five year old. I don't stop moving until at least 8:30. Work blows up from time to time, so the kids are in the backyard, I am on my laptop and the phone and it's harder to catch up from that with three instead of one or two. DH also travels full time, so one adult getting three kids to activities can be interesting.

I would not trade it though - I was an only, so I always craved exactly what I see between my children - play (they ALL play together some, depsite age differences), laughter, conversation and this sibling based learning - the older ones teach the younger things, and the younger rewards them with sloppy kisses. Amazing.

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2013

Lurking...but I dont think college for three is manageable (fully funded anyway) but woudnt let college expenses hold you back. By conservative estimates, paying in state tuition by the time our generation of children gets to college will be around 150k while private could be 250k or beyond. Wile our parents had the luxury to use money that once went towards a mortgage it's going to be unaffordable outside of upper middle class/rich families. I wonder if we're going to see a shift towards the trades as a four year degree becomes more unaffordable especially with fields like ultrasound tech/dental hygienist being in demand along with a starting salary of over 50k a year.

iverske9 · May 2013

My parents had 4 and I was the third and my life was great. They were not rich and we lived a modest life but we are super close and my parents helped with as much as they could with school and college. I took out loans but we all graduated college, have good jobs and are super tight. I had hand me downs as well but honestly that is not what I remember about my childhood. I remember the love, and good times with my sisters. I do not know if I want 2-3 but we will decide after I have the second, LOL. I cannot imagine my life without my sister but I know my parents had some tight times.

cookiedough22 · May 2013

No kids here but I'm wondering about how weddings fit into this. Are parents of the bride still paying for weddings or has that responsibility shifted to the couple?

After helping with college will you also help with paying for a wedding?

MammaBear81 · May 2013

chelleb24:
No kids here but I'm wondering about how weddings fit into this. Are parents of the bride still paying for weddings or has that responsibility shifted to the couple? After helping with college will you also help with paying for a wedding?

I think this is a personal decision, but we will be setting a certain amount of money aside for our daughters weddings (my parents set aside 25K, we will plan on more of course since everything will be more expensive in 20+ years). If they choose to exceed that amount, they have to pay for that on their own, if they spend less, the rest is for them to keep.

We will probably have an "emergency fund" for the boys, since it is generally the "brides family" that pays for the wedding, but we will not are not going to deny them some money if the brides family isn't able to foot the bill.

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