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vlcoley
member
Need advice - would you move your family cross country for a lucrative job opportunity?
vlcoley
member
Hi all -
I didn't know where to go to get some help on this topic and since I have posted on these boards in the past and got some great advice, I figured this might be a good place to start. Sorry in advance if this is a little long-winded.
My husband and I live in Western NY with our 1 year old daughter (currently trying for #2). We both work full time and live very comfortably in a beautiful home in a great school district. My family (mom, brothers, aunts/uncles, cousins) all live in the area as well so we have some great relationships with them and a wonderful support system for our daughter. My husbands family is about a 6 hour car drive away so we take trips to see them a couple times a year. We are very happy here in WNY and had planned on living here long term. Well, a bit of a wrench has been thrown into those plans....
My husband has worked for his company for 2 years. He has done a great job and has built a strong reputation with his managers and co-workers. In the 2 years he has been there, he has been approached twice about promotion opportunities. Both times we turned the offers down because the timing and/or position weren't the right fit. Well just last week they approached him again with an opportunity that would triple his income (I know that sounds crazy but it is true - he is in sales and his base plus commission package would bring in 3x what he makes now) and allow me to become a stay-at-home mom. Only problem is, this opportunity is across the country - literally - in Phoenix, AZ.
Now, I know money is everything and definitely does not buy happiness but because this is such a lucrative opportunity, we have to give it some serious consideration. The income would allow us to pay for our daughter's (and potential other children's) education, college careers, weddings, etc. However, the position would take us thousands of miles away from our support system - our family and friends in the WNY area. We are SO close to my family. My daughter LOVES her grandma and uncles....imagining a life where they weren't just a drive away literally brings me to tears. I don't know what to do???!!!
So for all you mothers (and fathers) out there who have a young family, what would you do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice - would you move your family cross country for a lucrative job opportunity?
How long do you think he can pass up promotions before the company starts thinking twice about him? Will the company be okay with him turning this third offer down? What about future offers?
I guess, for me, the support system is priceless and I couldn't give that up with a 1 year old.
What does your husband want to do?
I don't know how long he can pass up opportunities before his company stops offering. We were worried the last time we said "no" that they may not consider him again....but they did. I think every time he turns something down he is increasing the risk of not be approached for a 4th or 5th or 6th time. So we don't know when an offer might be the last.
My husband is torn. There is nothing he would like more than to make enough money so that I can stay home and raise our kid(s). To give a little background, I have always been the "bread-winner" in the relationship and my husband has been wonderfully supportive of my career. However, he has always expressed a desire to eventually have the "tables turn" and have him take the lead in our financial situation. I know this opportunity would bring him tremendous pride and confidence. On the other hand, he LOVES my family and has witnessed the importance of a support system when little children are in the picture. I think he is scared, as am I, about not having any family or friends in AZ to be there for us and our daughter.
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Tips"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt18dcc8.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>
My husband is in the military so we move across the country for non-lucrative jobs every 3 years. My children have never used in the same city as their grandparents and have amazing relationships with them. Or military friends have become a close family of sorts and are some of the best, most supportive relationships I've ever had.
We moved to Germany 2 weeks after we got married and I think that, for us, it was the best thing for our marriage. We learned to rely on one another and to really work together as a married couple because we didn't our families to rely on. We've been able to see parts of the world and US that I would have likely never seen had it not been for the military moving us around.
I would most definitely seriously consider the job and the move. It could be a very exciting opportunity for your family and being away from extended family isn't always such a terrible thing! I love and miss my family daily but we stay in touch via Skype at least weekly and we visit them/they visit here/we meet somewhere in the middle as often amour schedules will allow.
We would, and have, live far from family for a great job opportunity. DH's first "real" job out of college was on the West Coast - 2,000 miles from both of our families in the Midwest. We were there for several years, until our first child was almost 4 months old. At that point DH received a better job offer in the Midwest, but still 150 miles from his family and 300+ from mine.
We don't have family near enough to help on a day-to-day basis, but we make it work. We have found some great friends in both our previous and current location that help immensely and love our children dearly. Our families help when they can, and we take turns visiting. We rarely go more than 2 months without seeing someone in one of our families. Our girls have a fantastic relationship with all of their grandparents/aunties/uncles, and we work hard to make sure they always will (visits as often as is feasible, Skype, phone calls, etc.).
It was definitely harder when we were thousands of miles away as opposed to hundreds, but the opportunities were worth it to us. It's true money isn't everything, but financial security is worth the trade off for us.
DD1 Feb 2010
DD2 Sept 2011
I would definitely move in your situation. PP is correct, if your husband keeps passing up offers its not good for his career and may make the company wonder about his loyalty, which could be an issue if they need to make cuts in the future. We moved across the country from our family 10yrs ago. We did not have kids at the time, but it was a good move for us. My family moved here several years ago, but they don't really help much with DD (though they probably would if we asked more) and we don't see them super often. Yes, family and friends are important but family will come visit you and you'll meet new friends in a new city.
Married 1/2/99.
TTC since 4/09.
Diagnosed PCOS. Diagnosed Hypothryoid 11/09.
SHG & SA normal. PCOS Research study started 5/10.
Clomid/Femara cycle #1 - 6/10 = BFN
Clomid/Femara cycle #2 - 7/10 = BFP #1 - Missed miscarriage 9/2/10
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5/1/11 - BFP #3 - Pre-eclampsia, IUGR & bed rest from 32w. DD born via induction 1/4/12.
Two things:
Nothing is forever.
Everything changes.
Move for a few years and add this opportunity to his resume and to give yourself a chance to be home with your LO(s). Then look for an opportunity to return to the area you love.
In the meantime, your aging parents (and his) may decide that sunny and warm AZ is just where they wish to be.
Go for it.
We moved from NM to OH right out of college, and it was a GREAT decision...however we then moved from comfortable OH with tons of friends and a house to TX...and that was a BAD idea (it was during the housing bust and it took two years to sell our house, we had a hard time making new friends, and it was a culture shock, as well as hot, and I ended up getting laid off...circumstances weren't great)...we now live in CO, and like it, and while we don't have a lot of friends like we still have in OH, and we're still trying to save fro a house we're happy. Both have jobs, stable, and able to do more things, love the area and the people.
I think you need to visit PHX...and I think now's a good time because it's already hot there, so you can know what you'll be getting into climate wise (know it will get hotter). Go around and see how people are (got the mall and the grocery sotres), investigate the housing and schools to see if what you can afford the area that will put you in a great place...then look and see how much it costs to fly out to family from there...the good thing is PHX is so big it may not be too expensive. You may be shocked with the xeriscape for houses, the dryness (you'll need to find some good moisturizers and hair products) and the lack of green...you should know that comes with living in a desert. Also, find out what the housing market is in your area and see how fast houses are selling...the good thing is most areas are seeing another housing boom. Good luck!
i agree! go for it! and buy plane tickets for the g'parents for christmas! and if it's THAT lucrative i'd love to visit Arizona... just saying! LOL
good luck!
I would. I think that turning down another promotion is not a good career move for your husband. And PHX doesn't have to be forever.
We have never lived near our families, and it's fine. We do FaceTime with my mom every week and with my husband's mom on a fairly regular basis. My 3 year old adores her grandmas and is always asking when we'll see them again. We usually see my mom every 3 months or so, sometimes more often. We see my MIL at least twice a year.
It would be a very big change and it might take a long time to adjust, but I do think you'd manage and be fine. And PHX doesn't have to be forever.
For me, it wouldn't be worth it. It's SO important to me to have that family support. My son is obsessed with his grandparents, and being close to them is really important to me.
I would absolutely move for this kind of opportunity. Full disclosure: I am not terribly close to my family and already live across the country from them. But DH & I are doing just fine without a ton of family around to help with DD. I SAHM and pretty much love it.
Commit to it for 2-3 years and see how you like it and enjoy the warm weather/no snow. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that your parents decide AZ is a great place to retire or visit frequently.
As a lot of others have said, I would worry about your DH continuing to turn down offers from his company... I guess I wouldn't think so much about the money, but more career stability. Is this a good move for your DH? Will it give him new skills? Will he be in a better position if he wants to/has to look for another job?
It sounds to me like you really want to stay where you are. Maybe you both need to reevaluate career options where you are now? Maybe he can find something better there? Or maybe not....maybe the only way (or easiest way) to get this financial boost you all want/need is to relocate to somewhere else. Would it be possible for him to relocate somewhere that is closer than PHX?
Also, with a major boost in income, would it be enough to buy plane tix home every couple months? Would that be enough to help you feel connected? And with technology today, there are TONS of ways to be connected - skype, facetime, email, text, photosharing, etc....
We are not that close to family. DH's parents are about 200 miles away. My parents are about 600 miles away. We manage fine. (Of course we have never had them close so we don't know the difference.) And while I love my family very much and sometimes wish we were a little closer, (1) I don't really want to live where (or close to where) they live, and (2) I think I would follow the job right now. Things can always change. Maybe your family will move, too (to AZ or elsewhere). Maybe you'll love PHX. Maybe something will happen (good or bad) and you'll decide to move back home. Think of it as an exciting adventure! And it doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe in 5 years your DH will be promoted to something back home/closer to home.
Good luck!
You have all made a lot of really compelling points. Its good to hear the opnions of other mothers out there. You've all given me a lot to think about...
Financially this move makes a ton of sense. The cost of living in Phoenix is actually slightly less expensive then where we live now (Buffalo, NY). So we could easily maintain our current lifestyle while at the same time being able to put money away for vacations, savings, retirement, children's futures, etc. I am certain that the raise in income would also afford us the opportunity to buy plan tickets to visit our family or to have them come to us every couple months.
However, I am having a hard time determining if those rewards would be worth the risk. We have a such a wonderful life here! We both enjoy our jobs (although as previously stated, my husband would like to make more money so I could stay home), we have a beautiful house that is within walking distance from one of the top area elementary schools, great friends who we see on a regaular basis for dinner dates, BBQs, and get-togethers, and a wonderful family network that's a huge part of our lives (we have a family dinner at my mom's house every Sunday and my mom also watches our daughter every Wednesday night and Thursday day). How do you put a price tag on that?
I realize that things do change and nothing is forever and I am trying to keep that in mind as we work through this difficult decision. One minute I think let's go for it, you only live once and this will be a great adventure and then the next minute I think we would be crazy for giving up the beautiful life we have here for some extra money in the bank.....
That is really, really tough. I actually think about being put in a similar situation a lot. Both our families are here too, along with all our friends (and we live in WNY too!) From what you've written, it sounds like your heart isn't in it to move. But, like PP have said, my main concern would be your husband's future with the company if you turn it down. 3x the salary is huge... would your family be able to visit you frequently out there?
If I absolutely had to choose at this moment, I think I would take the job, but only if I could be reasonably certain that we could move back if in, say, 3 years, we were just not happy.
Do you want to stay home? No judgement either way (some people do and some dont and its great if everyone can pick what they want), but just the way you worded it in combination with saying you enjoy your job, you should think about if you might regret becoming a SAHM
(and again, not staring mommy wars, I know SAHMs who love it, and I know working moms who are happy).
The one other thing is you mentioned that part of his compensation would be the commission. How large a part of the overall package is that? And how secure is it or how likely is he to get it?
Do it!
I wouldn't think twice about taking that kind of opportunity. But then again, I'm not very attached to family and that wouldn't affect my decision.
Best of luck on whatever you decide!
BFP #2: 8.31.16 Dx w/ GD @ 28w DD Born @ 36w: 4.21.17
I do enjoy my job. I have worked full time since I graduated from college almost 10 years ago so I don't know anything different. I take pride in the work that I do and have been successful in my career. Before having my daughter, I was extremely career-focused....but once my daughter arrived my priorities quickly changed and the motivation and drive I used to have for my career shifted to a complete concentration on motherhood. I LOVE being a mom. So yes, I would absolutely like to be a stay at home mom. I am sure it would be quite a transition from the working world but what a blessing it would be to have that time with my children.
I would do it.
DH and I lived across the state from our families for 2 years, which was about 5 hours away. I know that's a lot different from NY to AZ, but by plane I'm guessing it's about the same travel time. We moved back "home" about a year ago. Yes, it's great to be close to our families but TBH, it's not that much different. When we lived away, we made phone calls, sending photos, visits home, etc a priority and it was fine. Grandparents had a great relationship with DS then and they have a great relationship now.
For me, financial stability would be so important. DH's job is not lucrative and it's been so hard for me to find a job here. I would love to be able to be a SAHM, but we just can't afford it. I'd jump at the chance to stay home or at least have more options/flexibility. I'd also want DH to make the most out of his opportunity at that company bc it seems like he is really good at his job and they notice it big time. I wouldn't want to take the chance of them passing him over because we don't want to take a risk.
As for the support system, you make one where you are. We had an amazing church family and friends where we lived. When I was on bedrest, they brought food and visited. When I had DS, they were amazing. It was literally like having a second family. I miss them something fierce now that we moved.
Good luck with your decision!
I would go. I assume whatever triple the salary is in Phx, AZ is a good amount of money. If you were moving to NYC or something it be different. Phoenix is a decent enough place to live (lived there for 26 years). Good Mexican food, cheap housing, nice people, good children's museums and schools are decent enough. It is nice that in 2 hours you can get out of the heat to go to the mountains.
We moved away from family. I made new friends. I am happy. It is fine.
We love our families but have spent most of our marriage moving around and, except for a year when we were a two-hour drive from my ILs (and a few months when we lived with them) we haven't lived close to either of them. I'm from Seattle and DH is from upstate NY, so we always have to live far away from someone, and usually at best we've been a day's drive from one family and a long flight from the other. I would love to have family support nearby just in practical terms, but one or both parents in every generation of our families back to at least our grandparents has moved away from where they grew up - I take it for granted that this is a big, restless country and that's what people do. And we just moved away from a place we really liked because, yeah, it's hard to turn down a 3x salary increase.
And nothing is permanent. It's hard to relocate but I've gotten so used to it that I feel like it's something we can do again if we decide we don't want to stay here. I don't know if DH will do this job long term, but I think if we hadn't moved this last time, we'd regret missing the opportunity.
It's a tough decision, though. I can understand the spot you're in.
Ditto. Coming from a family that moved around a lot to follow my dad's jobs and promotions, I would in a heartbeat. There will come a time that they will stop asking him or considering him, if he continues to say no.
My dad, who has been a high level exec for many many years always says "you can choose to either live where you work or work where you live." And know that there are often limitations with the latter.
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches