MIL VENT.....help!

octobermama87 · May 2013

Just last Sunday my MIL was holding my DS as he started to fuss cause he was getting hungry (i feed on demand) and at that point I had already told her 3 times that he was getting hungry and it was time to eat, so instead of handing him over, she looks at DS and says "awww, mommy's not feeding you, what a ***!" WTH!!!!!! EXCUSE ME?! Who the hell do you think you are saying those kind of things to my son?! I don't care if he's 4 months or 4 years old- you don't talk like that! Let me just say that before I had DS, I got along w MIL really well and still do but it just seems like I "see" her a lot differently now. (Not in a necessarily good way). And EVERYTIME I see my ILs, they always say something to cut me down or throw a jab at me in conversation and not always to me but always around me so I'm aware of the comment. I don't know what to do about this. They're doing a good job of building a wall between me and them. Any suggestions ladies??

octobermama87 · May 2013

ETA she called me a B word. Lol

kbates85 · May 2013

I don't have any suggestions because I'm having issues with my ILs too. Like you, I've always gotten along really well with them so I didn't see this coming. Like you said, I see them in a whole new light and not in a good way. Currently, my FIL isn't speaking to me because he suggested we give DS rice cereal and I said "no, we're not doing solids until 6 months". Fun times. I'm hoping it will just get better in time as DS gets older.

octobermama87 · May 2013

KatieKarasin:
Woah! That's definitely inappropriate! I would talk to your husband about it... You should nip that in the bud.

i tried right after she left and his words were "don't take things so personally, she was probably just joking". -which him saying that pissed me off even more! DH is usually way more supportive of my feelings than that. I dont know why he would be so insensitive over this.

omgitsrojo55 · May 2013

No advice, just letting you know you're not alone- every time my MIL holds my DD. And she fusses a little she always says something like, "is your mommy being a meanie?"- which doesn't seem like anything big but its annoying bc she doesn't have to say that. She also always questions why DD has to eat again so soon or nap again so soon... It makes me very anxious about leaving her alone with her!!

octobermama87 · May 2013

omgitsrojo55:
No advice, just letting you know you're not alone- every time my MIL holds my DD. And she fusses a little she always says something like, "is your mommy being a meanie?"- which doesn't seem like anything big but its annoying bc she doesn't have to say that. She also always questions why DD has to eat again so soon or nap again so soon... It makes me very anxious about leaving her alone with her!!

ya!!! That's the other thing- always questioning me why I have to feed him as soon as she gets there or shortly thereafter or take a nap shortly after they arrive. Like, are you freaking kidding me woman?! Babies eat and sleep a lot and often. Grrrr

Runaway22 · May 2013

Wow, that is really hurtful and inappropriate. I'm sorry

jkuhmann · May 2013

My friend had similar problems with her ILs and her husband not taking her seriously. She had to sit him down and spell out her feelings and basically told him "you can talk to them or I'm gone." Harsh, yes, and I know that a lot of men are very attached to their moms and don't want to confront them, especially when they don't agree with their wives, but the fact of the matter is that you and your son come first now, and your feelings and well-being should be the most important. It shouldn't be a big deal to ask his mother to please not call his wife a B. Don't do it accusationally; just be really honest about how her comments make you feel and how his siding with her makes you feel.

For the record, it is incredibly inappropriate for her to say those kinds of things to you and around your child. You must be very kind because I'm pretty sure I would have thrown that word right back in her face and stormed out of the house with my kid. Just thinking about it burns me up!

sefferj · May 2013

Wow that's absolutely inappropriate!!! I'm so sorry, I agree with the whole shoot her an email. She needs to know that that is not okay, joking or not!

downtown80 · May 2013

If that happened to me, I would have immediately said something back to her like "Nice to know how you really feel about me!"

But I'm not one to hold something back if I am offended though.

kelly321 · May 2013

Wow. If nothing else, I would jump on her for using that kind of language around infants (although if you do it yourself then I guess there's not much you can say). She'll probably argue that he doesn't understand yet anyway, but who knows when babies start understanding and when does she believe it's appropriate to stop swearing around children? 6 months? 9 months? 1 year?

I have had serious issues with my MIL in the past, and I have resolved that if she ever criticizes any aspect of my parenting in front of my children, I will tell her in plain terms that if she cuts down my parenting in front of them, she won't see them. Period. Undermining your parenting is no way to build a relationship with you or her grandchild.

Puck1182 · May 2013

kelly321:
Wow. If nothing else, I would jump on her for using that kind of language around infants although if you do it yourself then I guess there's not much you can say. She'll probably argue that he doesn't understand yet anyway, but who knows when babies start understanding and when does she believe it's appropriate to stop swearing around children? 6 months? 9 months? 1 year? I have had serious issues with my MIL in the past, and I have resolved that if she ever criticizes any aspect of my parenting in front of my children, I will tell her in plain terms that if she cuts down my parenting in front of them, she won't see them. Period. Undermining your parenting is no way to build a relationship with you or her grandchild.

Regarding your first paragraph, I believe the answer to your question is "When baby's first word is two letters away from being hit.". Just ask my mom! The woman cursed like a drunken sailor until one day she heard me saying "Shhhhh.... shhhhh"

Seriously though, I think OP needs to address the issue with her MIL. It is sooo inappropriate to talk about a child's mother like that in the child's presence, no matter his or her age! And don't even get me started on the disrespect for OP's parenting decisions! If mom says the baby needs to eat, you hand the baby over and let it eat!

dorlala · May 2013

Start calling your husband a btch in passing, and if he gets offended just say you learned that joke from his mother.

Heartstrings13 · May 2013

dorlala:
Start calling your husband a btch in passing, and if he gets offended just say you learned that joke from his mother.

Hysterical. Passiveaggressive, but hysterical. I would probably do it just for fun. Haha.

brachysira · May 2013

Maybe she had a ministroke or something. Seems like a big change in behavior. Did she use to swear at babies around you? If not a mental break, she must have always had serious errors in judgement before that you just didn't notice. Everyone knows insulting the mother of their grandchild is no way to get to see the baby. I would try to be as sweet as ever but tell DH to tell them to back off. He must see some of the behavior, and it's absolutely his job to handle his parents. If she's really acting out of character, he should take her in for a medical assessment.

octobermama87 · May 2013

Thanks ladies. You've been very supportive about this and gave me some reassurance that I'm not crazy for taking offense to this. I appreciate all your input here!!

P.s. she's always been a little "flighty" IMO, but like I said before, never really bothered me til after DS arrived. And she's always cussed like a sailor, just never called me a B. but she always speaks her mind and I usually speak my mind too, but this just caught me completely off guard when it happened. The only thing I could do was stand up, grab my baby and walk away. (After giving my hubby the evil eye) I went in the house to feed him. Next time I will be prepared to speak up for sure.

carpntrgrl · May 2013

I just reread this and it sounds super pushy , so take it with a grain of salt, it's also based on my relationship with my stepmother, not my MIL, she is dead unfortunately.

It will do you good to learn to confront her yourself. Tell her calmly that saying things like that to your son is a passive aggressive attitude and it puts a wall between you two. Tell her you do not plan on cursing at all around ds and that language needs to be shelved. Then explain that you really need her support and value your time together and that you're concerned that if you don't say something now you will just end up avoiding her later.
Look at it like a way to get closer to her, not a way to correct her behavior. That way of she gets mad it just makes her look childish, not you.
Good luck!

Edit: I meant I just reread what I had written, not what everyone else wrote. Everyone else gave great advice! I'm just a little pushier.

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