Blended Families

advice please.

XH called this AM, I didn't answer, I was sleeping.

I just called him back and he told me he was calling to ask me to watch the kids, as he got called into work. He found someone else when I didn't answer, his friend 'R'.

R was XHs boss at a previous job. He was married and sober for years at thatpoint and had a daughter he was wonderful with. Well, his wife at the time got preg with twins accidentally, during this time their business tanked and they went bankrupt, and depending on who you believe one or both of them went BSC and someone beat the shiiiit out of someone. She left w the kids 'took all his money' and he started drinking heavily and was only allowed supervised eowe.

FF to now, he is dating off and on a crazy alcholic and she recently almost clawed his face off during a breakup., according to XH.

So now this crazy person is being allowed to be alone watching my three and six year olds all day. XHsays its fine he is so great w the kids, and I know I've seen him with his kids and he loves them and had a lot of fun w them. However, I also know that he is only allowed supervised visits with them, is an alcoholic, and has a history of hitting women or them hitting him.

I'm not comfortable with this at all. Is there anything at all I can do?

Re: advice please.

  • Yeah, go get your kids.


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  • XH just text me saying he was on his way home and he was sorry. That if I was uncomfortable with R watching the kids he would not let that happen again. He wasn't really thinking about Rs history, just that he was willing to stay with them and had always had fun with them. I reiterated why I was uncomfortable and how irresponsible itwwas. He again apologized and said it wouldnt happen again.

    Ugh. He just has a history or making such bad choices. We will be going back to court in the very near future and I'm wondering how hard I would have to fight to have a modified FROR put in our CO.
  • Would a FROR help?  He called you and you did not answer....so I am thinking that would count as a "refusal" to the court.

    Can you guys work together to come up with a "joint list" of sitters you can use as needed?  With exh here, who would do the same thing without thinking with zero ill intent, this would work.  Essentially, I would come up with a list, email him, let him add people, and then you guys both have the list and can reference it.  If you don't have a shared pool of sitters, it might be worth a short subscription to care.com to get some.  In the past I have suggested to exh that he can leave the girls with my parents, sister or BFF if he cannot reach me due to similar situations (like the 13 yo sitter who lost DD, or the other sitter who cut elder DD's hair off at the scalp to remove a rubber band).

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  • Yeah, I think a joint use babysitter is necessary here and I agree that since he called you and you didn't answer, that's first refusal. Lord knows it would be unreasonable for you to sit around waiting for him to answer the phone before you could book alternate childcare, right? 


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  • image2chatter:
    Would a FROR help?nbsp; He called you and you did not answer....so I am thinking that would count as a "refusal" to the court.
    Can you guys work together to come up with a "joint list" of sitters you can use as needed?nbsp; With exh here, who would do the same thing without thinking with zero ill intent, this would work.nbsp; Essentially, I would come up with a list, email him, let him add people, and then you guys both have the list and can reference it.nbsp; If you don't have a shared pool of sitters, it might be worth a short subscription to care.com to get some.nbsp; In the past I have suggested to exh that he can leave the girls with my parents, sister or BFF if he cannot reach me due to similar situations like the 13 yo sitter who lost DD, or the other sitter who cut elder DD's hair off at the scalp to remove a rubber band.


    He almost never has anyone other than his family watch them, and its not that he would ever leave them with someone he didn't trust, he is just an idiot and trusts shady people.

    When we talked about it today he agreed to run it by me if he ever wanted to leave them with a new person again. I was abused as a child so I'm super sensitive about anyone remotely sketchy around my kids. He knows this and is normally very sensitive to it. We were together for seven years, so he knows my issues.

    Right now we do very well at working together on issues. I don't really put my foot down about things often, so when I do he knows I'm serious and generally listens to me and works with me. It works both ways too obviously.

    As far as FROR, I was thinking of proposing we put in the CO that if anyone other than family is left to watch them, the other parent must be given the option to watch them themselves or must approve of the person they are being left with.

  • I still think that even if  you put FROR in the CO, his calling you and your not answering would qualify.  He had to have care, you did not answer to either take his PT or approve of the person...what would he do in that case that would be any different?

    In DH's CO there is a short list of prohibited people (ie people BM doesn't like) who are not allowed to drive his children.  So maybe a list of non-starters if there is an existing "shady pool".  If he's like my exh, there is NO guessing what shady weirdo he might pick though, so that probably would not help.

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