Showdown set for two weeks from today. :(

Sigir · May 2013

Well, I sent my email as detailed in my pp, offering alternate days and pointing out that I have not been given the days I deserve, and exh will not bend. He is taking her on a day I did not agree on, which is two weeks from today. I am going to reply again expressing my non-agreement and that I will take him to court for contempt but I know him... it won't matter.

It turns out that there is a school event that day that we will both be at, to see dc in the event. So it could be an ugly scene. Which is something I want to avoid at all costs for my dc. So what do you think I should do. We currently do not have a lawyer on retainer and had no plans of getting one any time soon- things have been quiet. So do we:

- Refuse to let him take dc on that day and cause a scene? i could see him calling the police.

- Express verbally that this is wrong, and then call the police after he leaves to get a police report?

- Express verbally that this is wrong, and then file for contempt?

- Take dc out of school and not let her be at the event, to avoid the scene?

- I just give in to him.

All of these options seem sucky to me. I don't want to start another war when I am pregnant- that is exactly what happened last time, we had a huge legal case throughout my pregnancy, and it sucked so bad. I was looking forward to not having that happen this time... so the option exists of just giving in, but I don't want him to walk all over me, AGAIN.

Some of you might think, if you keep standing up to him he will eventually learn his lesson and start being cooperative. Well, I have been standing up to him for about 3 years now, and there has been no progress. he is the most stubborn, terrible person I have ever met, and I know that no matter what, every time I stand up to him it is going to be a huge battle... he is never going to mellow with time. I know him. He will die over a battle that means nothing. He really is rotten to the core. So that is why giving in has appeal... at least it means I will have a peaceful pregnancy.

ugh, he was the biggest mistake I ever made. He was always a terrible person from the very beginning, I was such an idiot. But that's another story. (and btw, I never, ever express things like that to or around dc... don't worry).

karatechrissy · May 2013

Is there any way you can collect your DS from the event 10-15 min before it ends? I'm sure your ex and you will be sitting away from each other (I'm assuming this is some sort of performance for end of year or something?) so you could just sneek out the back and grab him and leave, before anyone leaves. Explain to the teacher that he needs to be ready to walk out the door 10 min early. YOu don't have to explain why just say it's an apt or don't give any explanation at all.

I'm a person who doesn't let others win, or pidgin hole me... so that's what I would do. I know others aren't like that and you will probably get a lot of responses that disagree with me and tell me I suck. I'm prepared for it, bring it on guys! I just wouldn't let ex walk all over me. BUT I wouldn't let him ruin the experience either. IDK. Maybe others have a better suggestion.

Wahoo · May 2013

So what if he calls the police? He does not have custoday that day. YOU DO. You are not switching with him, as is your right.

In fact, maybe YOU can call the police ahead of time and tell them you have issues with your ex, you are afraid he is going to take your DC against the CO, and would they be there at the end of the school day to ensure a peaceful takeover? Talk with the teacher, maybe s/he will keep DC in the office until everything is settled

Is this event important to DC? If so, I would not have her miss it just to avoid drama.

Unfortunately, I think you need to recognize that there will always be drama because of who your exH is. You cannot avoid it without rolling over. If you live in a peaceful drama-free home with your current spouse and children, your child will grow up to recognize that all the drama is all from daddy.

((HUGS)) I hope everything works out ok.

WWMS · May 2013

karatechrissy:
Is there any way you can collect your DS from the event 1015 min before it ends? I'm sure your ex and you will be sitting away from each other I'm assuming this is some sort of performance for end of year or something? so you could just sneek out the back and grab him and leave, before anyone leaves. Explain to the teacher that he needs to be ready to walk out the door 10 min early. YOu don't have to explain why just say it's an apt or don't give any explanation at all.nbsp;I'm a person who doesn't let others win, or pidgin hole me... so that's what I would do. I know others aren't like that and you will probably get a lot of responses that disagree with me and tell me I suck. I'm prepared for it, bring it on guys! I just wouldn't let ex walk all over me. BUT I wouldn't let him ruin the experience either. IDK. Maybe others have a better suggestion.

I agree to take him out if school a few minutes early. Send the teacher a note that he needs to leave early that day. When you get to school go get his school bag and sign him out in the office before the event even starts so you don't have to stop when you are leaving.

I would also send one more email with a copy of the CO and highlight that it is your parenting time and under no circumstance are you agreeing to any change.

Then leave it at that and do not engage him anymore over it before or that day.

Littlejen22 · May 2013

I would not put your child in a situation where they can be humiliated at school. I would call the police as a heads up to let them know that your ex has said that he is going to take your child against the CO and your agreement and that because he thinks he is in the right has said he will call the police if you don't let him. But honestly I think this needs to be settled in court because your child is about to be dragged into something she will never forget.

Please do not take this as me blaming for for something but I am trying to figure out the background. You said the last time you were PG things got bad Md now they are about to again. When you are not PG do you let him get away with stuff and now that you are PG you are putting your foot down or is it possible that you did not see these things are a big deal and now are hormonal and they are bothering you? I only ask because when you are not PG this stuff does not seem to matter so much. I do think you need to be tough but I do not think having a scene at school will help the situation or your child. I personally think that you need to try to say no and if he takes her then file contempt for this time and for his refusal to let you have your time and go from there. I also think that if he agrees to the time you originally offered that your CO states you need to pick her up since he is driving the whole way to his house even if that sucks.

CFjo2010 · May 2013

WWMS:
karatechrissy:
Is there any way you can collect your DS from the event 1015 min before it ends? I'm sure your ex and you will be sitting away from each other I'm assuming this is some sort of performance for end of year or something? so you could just sneek out the back and grab him and leave, before anyone leaves. Explain to the teacher that he needs to be ready to walk out the door 10 min early. YOu don't have to explain why just say it's an apt or don't give any explanation at all.nbsp;I'm a person who doesn't let others win, or pidgin hole me... so that's what I would do. I know others aren't like that and you will probably get a lot of responses that disagree with me and tell me I suck. I'm prepared for it, bring it on guys! I just wouldn't let ex walk all over me. BUT I wouldn't let him ruin the experience either. IDK. Maybe others have a better suggestion.
I agree to take him out if school a few minutes early. Send the teacher a note that he needs to leave early that day. When you get to school go get his school bag and sign him out in the office before the event even starts so you don't have to stop when you are leaving. I would also send one more email with a copy of the CO and highlight that it is your parenting time and under no circumstance are you agreeing to any change. Then leave it at that and do not engage him anymore over it before or that day.

Both of these suggestions. Keep a copy of the CO in your purse that evening and be prepared to whip it out along with your written communications to XH voicing your nonagreement.

Also, I think it might be a good idea to just check with the police what they would do if called. If they are willing to be around to ensure a peaceful transition, fantastic. If not, see what their policy is. Most police departments won't show up or even take a report until after the fact. So let XH call the police, let them make a report and then give them a copy of the CO so that they can make note of XH filing a false report.

And most importantly: BREATHE.

SimpleJane · May 2013

Wahoo:
So what if he calls the police?nbsp; He does not have custoday that day.nbsp; YOU DO.nbsp; You are not switching with him, as is your right.nbsp; In fact, maybe YOU can call the police ahead of time and tell them you have issues with your ex, you are afraid he is going to take your DC against the CO, and would they be there at the end of the school day to ensure a peaceful takeover?nbsp; Talk with the teacher, maybe s/he will keep DC in the office until everything is settledIs this event important to DC?nbsp; If so, I would not have her miss it just to avoid drama.nbsp; Unfortunately, I think you need to recognize that there will always be drama because of who your exH is.nbsp; You cannot avoid it without rolling over.nbsp; If you live in a peaceful dramafree home with your current spouse and children, your child will grow up to recognize that all the drama is all from daddy.HUGS I hope everything works out ok.

All of this. It is legally your custody day. You did not agree to switch. He will be going against the CO if he tried to take her.

I would honestly just keep the kids home that day as to not cause a scene, unless its an important academic event. If you do decide to all attend the event I would do as suggested above and call the police ahead of time explaining the situation, outlining the CO, and asking for help in that he may try to take the child against CO. He is legally in the wrong here.

Also, get a lawyer on retainer. I really think you are going to need it.

Sigir · May 2013

Thx everyone. I've not yet decided what I am going to do, but I really don't want the police there when dc is there, or at the school at all, if I can avoid it bc I think it'd be bad for dc.

Re the question about being pg, it's def a fair one! What the situation is, is that I have been consistently standing up to him for about 3 years. Pregnant or not, i act the same to his face. Its how things get to me when i am pregnant that is the problem. When I was pregnant last time, we had our worst court battle and it was v hard bc I would get emotional when things would happen, like getting served papers that had outlandish things in them etc. When I am not pregnant, things like that don't bother me and I can laugh them off. I am afraid this will lead to another legal battle, and it really sucked going through that pregnant bc I take things to heart much more than when I am not. Hopefully that makes sense!

MommyEllenSue · May 2013

Littlejen22:
I would not put your child in a situation where they can be humiliated at school. I would call the police as a heads up to let them know that your ex has said that he is going to take your child against the CO and your agreement and that because he thinks he is in the right has said he will call the police if you don't let him. But honestly I think this needs to be settled in court because your child is about to be dragged into something she will never forget.

Please do not take this as me blaming for for something but I am trying to figure out the background. You said the last time you were PG things got bad Md now they are about to again. When you are not PG do you let him get away with stuff and now that you are PG you are putting your foot down or is it possible that you did not see these things are a big deal and now are hormonal and they are bothering you? I only ask because when you are not PG this stuff does not seem to matter so much. I do think you need to be tough but I do not think having a scene at school will help the situation or your child. I personally think that you need to try to say no and if he takes her then file contempt for this time and for his refusal to let you have your time and go from there. I also think that if he agrees to the time you originally offered that your CO states you need to pick her up since he is driving the whole way to his house even if that sucks.

This exactly! Well said

hindsight's_a_biotch · May 2013

You should get a consultation with a family law attorney as soon as possible.

Schrodinger · May 2013

SimpleJane:
I would honestly just keep the kids home that day as to not cause a scene, unless its an important academic event.

This is what we did on a day that was contested between DH and BM. It was an early release day prior to a holiday and we just went the avoidance route.

If you can't do that, is there another mom that could help you run interference?

Sorry that you are in such a tough spot. I hope things turn out okay.

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Showdown set for two weeks from today. :(

Re: Showdown set for two weeks from today. :(

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