? for PGaL ladies

yogi1012 · May 2013

I have not posted on this board much, but did an intro last August I think. I was a full term that lost DD at 41 weeks. I just found out we are expecting. How do you handle the question- Is this your first?

I told a nurse that my new OB that did not have my chart in front of her- no, but my last pregnancy ended in a poor outcome delivery. Certainly, I will not be able to say this to people that just ask me in stores, etc, but at the same time, I feel like if I say, Yes, it is not right to our baby girl. I also am hoping to switch jobs and do not want to open up to all my new co-workers before they know me.

What do you think/do? TIA.

OSUWifey09 · May 2013

Congratulations! We also just found out we're expecting again [still very early], and my initial OB was this past week. My OB had a new nurse who also didn't have my old chart in front of me and didn't really know that we had a late loss back in August. I was honest with her and said that this was not my first, that my last ended in a loss, and then she just asked a couple of more general questions. Even though Devon isn't here anymore, I still delivered him, and he's still my child. But I've also been really open about my loss, so the questions - while hard - didn't bother me that much.

It does catch you off guard when these types of questions get asked. Just answer with what you're comfortable with. Maybe others have better insight as to how they handle that question - I always tell people that I have my 4-year-old and our angel. They get it and don't ask questions anymore. *hugs*

shandorfml2 · May 2013

You might find more answers on the PGaL board, since most of us aren't pregnant I don't think. But, when I do get Preg, I will say no this is not my first, I had a daughter who passed away. Just like when I get the "do you have kids" question now, I say yes but she passed away.

Bayberry12 · May 2013

I am also very early in a new pregnancy after loosing my first daughter. I have thought a lot about how I will handle questions like "is this your first". And, for me, I plan to simply say "no" or "I have been through this before". If the questions are coming from strangers, they most likely will not press on with the conversation, but if they do, at this point in my healing, I am ok with telling people I lost my first daughter, and leave it at that - no need for me to go into details with strangers, unless I feel like I have to.

As for sharing your history with new co-workers or bosses, that may be a little more difficult. You may have to just wait and see how you feel when you are in that situation. Maybe some moms who are further out will be able to give better advise.

Good luck to you with this pregnancy.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · May 2013

For me, I can't deny my son no matter who asks. If someone asks if this is my first, I try to respond with just "no." If they continue to ask questions like "oh, how old are they etc." (or if people simply ask if we have any kids) I say we have a son who lives in heaven or who's an angel in heaven. This is just my personal thing though. I know several people that answer different ways depending on the situation that's their choice.

yogi1012 · May 2013

Thanks, ladies. Will XP to PGaL board too!

Heatherhah · May 2013

From my experience I tell people we have a DS 19 , a DD 5, DD2 has wings and then my rainbow. It just says that she died without details sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't . Good luck with this rainbow pregnancy it is tricky and stressful but very worth it in the end. If you need any guidance I am here for you. My rainbow just turned 6 months a few days ago.

Good luck- Heather

angelsnight · May 2013

I am not pregnant again yet, but I've thought about this question a lot since our loss. My baby girl, while only 22 weeks gestation, was beautiful and looked exactly like a full term baby only micro size. She is our daughter and we are her parents and just because she isn't here with us, does not negate any of that. But, I know there is a big difference between talking about your loss to your OB, and new co-workers who think they are asking an innocent question.

I hope to always answer honestly, that I have two angel babies in Heaven, but since I haven't dealt with this yet, I have no idea what will actually come out of my mouth. However one thing I thought of if you're worried about making people uncomfortable....people have to learn that sometimes the answer isn't going to be a good one. People need to learn that by asking a personal question is just that, personal and they are opening up themselves up to whatever the answer may be. Maybe if we are able to answer honestly more, people would stop asking such personal questions....before my loss, I never thought of "Is this your first baby" a super personal question. But since going through it, I've learned there are so many complicated things surrounding a pregnancy, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

I started a new job 10 months after my mom died. I didn't necessarily want to keep it a secret, but I didn't want all the pity looks from my new co-workers that I got at my old job. I didn't want to be pegged as, "that girl that just lost her mom", so I wasn't forthcoming about it at first. When a co-worker asked a question about my parents, I panicked and mumbled something that probably didn't make sense, but I didn't say my mom had passed. I finally told my two closets co-workers a few weeks later and they were very nice about it. But death is sadly a part of life and if we're comfortable talking about it, we shouldn't have to shield others from that fact just so we don't make them uncomfortable, IMO.

Good luck, and congrats on your pregnancy!

Xath · May 2013

We haven't tried to TCaL yet, but sometimes people ask if my son is my only child. I knew after Ellie passed that it was important to me that people knew she was, and will always be, my daughter. So I talk about her whenever I get the chance. Initially, it was very difficult and uncomfortable, but I find that the more I do it, the easier it gets. And people may not always say the right thing, but the intent is there, and I get to share Eleanor with them.

I received a lovely letter from my Dad's aunt and uncle after we lost Eleanor. They had experienced something similar with their first daughter in 1950. Noone knew; not even my Dad, that they had lost a child. I never want that to happen with us. I always want people to know that she is my daughter.

The other reason I do it is because I had a sense of invulnerability before I lost her. I thought that as an American with first world healthcare that infant loss didn't happen here; after 25 weeks you entered some sort of magic "viability" category and the magic of the NICU would take care of any issue. After I lost her, I did some research and the number of losses in the US is staggering, especially for a nation that is otherwise technologically advanced. I want to break the silence of talking about infant loss so that others are aware that it is an issue that still needs to be addressed.

I know that this approach isn't for everyone, but I feel really strongly about it for myself.

Want a personalized experience?

? for PGaL ladies

Re: ? for PGaL ladies

Choose Another Board

Search Boards