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Vent

doodlebuggmommydoodlebuggmommy member
in Blended Families

BM texts DH the other day saying her and her husband were going to put SS in hockey. Told us it would be$1000. Didn't show us any paperwork or prices and asked if we could pay for half. DH said that we would only be able to pay an extra 200 dollars on top of child support. DH also told her that this is the kind of thing that child support is supposed to help with (including basic needs of course) since what we pay in child support just doubled. Talked to SS yesterday and he said that he can't go into hockey because "daddy wouldn't pay for it" Sorry for the vent everyone I just wish she didn't try to make us look so horrible 

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Re: Vent

  • IlumineIlumine member
    So how did your DH reply?  
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  • ldmessingldmessing member
    is the $1000 for gear?  if so, you can buy it second hand pretty cheaply
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  • blondii428blondii428 member

    I'm sorry, I definitely think that is something that should have been consulted with your DH just as it would be in a marriage. 

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    We always split extracurriculars, outside of child support. IMO CS goes toward basic needs like food/clothes/gas to get them to school/daycare/household expenses. That being said, extras are always discussed ahead of time and we figure out what we can afford and how we will split it. For example someone will pay the sign up, the other will pay for gear.

    If you cant afford it you can't afford it. If your SS really wants to play and there is some way you guys can work out a price w BM, maybe buying second hand gear or something, that would be great. It's situations like this that require both parents to put the child first and have a no drama discussion on what they can feasibly do.
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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    imageSimpleJane:
    We always split extracurriculars, outside of child support. IMO CS goes toward basic needs like food/clothes/gas to get them to school/daycare/household expenses. That being said, extras are always discussed ahead of time and we figure out what we can afford and how we will split it. For example someone will pay the sign up, the other will pay for gear. If you cant afford it you can't afford it. If your SS really wants to play and there is some way you guys can work out a price w BM, maybe buying second hand gear or something, that would be great. It's situations like this that require both parents to put the child first and have a no drama discussion on what they can feasibly do.

    I agree with all of this. Child support isn't meant to be blown on extra curricular activities, though I don't have a problem with paying for some out of the child support to a point.  

    Can your H talk to SS and explain it to him and then ask him if there's something he'd rather do instead? Maybe tell him that hockey is an expensive hobby and that he (H) would rather wait until SS is old enough to understand and commit before he agrees to fund it. Perhaps your husband would feel comfortable telling SS they would reassess if SS plays a different (less expensive sport) for a year or two. 



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  • doodlebuggmommydoodlebuggmommy member
    We ended up agreeing on something. We gave her the extra 200 bucks on top of child support. DH parents said they would pitch in for gear and they just found a good deal and got most of his gear for clearance prices. What irritates me is the fact that child support just doubled and it seems like their family is living off our money. I don't spend 900 bucks a month on diaper, formula and everything else for two babies under two. I just don't like her saying you can't do it because daddy won't pay for it.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    imagedoodlebuggmommy:
    We ended up agreeing on something. We gave her the extra 200 bucks on top of child support. DH parents said they would pitch in for gear and they just found a good deal and got most of his gear for clearance prices. What irritates me is the fact that child support just doubled and it seems like their family is living off our money. I don't spend 900 bucks a month on diaper, formula and everything else for two babies under two. I just don't like her saying you can't do it because daddy won't pay for it.


    I will play devils advocate knowing that she might have said those exact words. She might have also said that she needs to talk with Daddy before making a decision and then told him know an he took it as I cannot so it because Daddy said no. I honestly never thought of this from the other side before but this is a catch22 situation because if she is willing to pay half but DH is not then someone is going to be the bad guy and it is easy to word yourself so the other person is the bad guy especially when you are willing to do your half. I am not saying I do not sympathize with you but if she just says no then she is the bad guy and that is not really fair to her either.

    I am not saying you should pay if you cannot but you cannot expect her to fully bear the disappointment. And I empathize with that part because my son wants to do a few things next year and we cannot afford them all.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • doodlebuggmommydoodlebuggmommy member
    She told him after she talked to us about it. Then when we told her parents in law would help with the gear she said she would have to discuss it with her hubby... I'm not sure but it kind of seems like she wanted us to pay for most or all of it. He has also been is skating swimming and soccer this year as well
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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    imagedoodlebuggmommy:
    We ended up agreeing on something. We gave her the extra 200 bucks on top of child support. DH parents said they would pitch in for gear and they just found a good deal and got most of his gear for clearance prices. What irritates me is the fact that child support just doubled and it seems like their family is living off our money. I don't spend 900 bucks a month on diaper, formula and everything else for two babies under two. I just don't like her saying you can't do it because daddy won't pay for it.

    I don't like that she said either but you're high on the good stuff if you think child support is solely for things like diapers and formula. It also goes to the cost of maintaining a household with a child in it. That means a place with an extra bedroom, utilities, groceries, clothing, etc.

    I know she's a pain in the but you have to try very hard not to let your reasonable irritation with her shady azz seep into other aspects of being in a blended family. Your child support went up because your husband makes more money (I assume.)

    Did you find out exactly how much it costs for hockey or did you just fork over what she asked for because idk, it sounds to me like your husband rolled over a little too easily. How old is this kid? 



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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    imagedoodlebuggmommy:
    She told him after she talked to us about it. Then when we told her parents in law would help with the gear she said she would have to discuss it with her hubby... I'm not sure but it kind of seems like she wanted us to pay for most or all of it. He has also been is skating swimming and soccer this year as well

    See, that's why I would have said no to the hockey. He gets one activity a year or at a time or whatever. Why on earth should you shell out $200 extra a month to pay for an activity he may not even be interested in later? Just so she can be the stereotypical soccer mom, driving her kids hither and yon?

     



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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Child support is most certainly supposed to cover extra curriculars too. Everyone looks at it incorrectly. Every month, my husband and his ex girlfriend each pay a mortgage to put a roof over SD head, each pay utilities, each pay for cell phones, Internet and cable, each pay for groceries and gas, each pay for lunchables to put into SD lunch, each pay for laundry detergent to wash SD soccer uniform. At the end of the month, my husband is required to spend an additional 1170 in child support for SD. Exgirlfriend may have spent 1170 too, on soccer or field trips, or maybe she only spent 400 that month, bc maybe she had a medical bill so she couldn't afford 1170 on SD. But in either scenario my husband paid 1170 without exception, even if he had a medical bill, or a student loan or something. He still paid his 1170. That money is NOT supposed to pay his ex girlfriends mortgage, or pay for her plane tickets to Florida every summer. That money is supposed to supplement her grocery list since SD is with her 4 days to our 3. And it's supposed to buy her clothes for that extra day, and it should cover her extra curriculars that exgirlfriend signs her up for without ever asking husbands thoughts. People have a warped view of what child support is for.
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  • doodlebuggmommydoodlebuggmommy member
    Thank you so much. I appreciate what you said and I totally agree. Since CS doubled I feel more and more like she is using the money for her and her husband instead of using it for SS.
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