SO on a meltdown - just for venting

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

My boyfriend is on a freak out because he's angry over something else his friends got him riled up over. I called him to let him know I'm off work and all that got me was yelled at. I told him I simply didn't care that drama was happening right now because I've been working full time for 7 days straight and I was tired. I know that sounds insensitive, but I told him when I got home we could talk about it and I just wanted a simple "I love you and baby does too" conversation. I guess it was the wrong thing to say. Now he's decided he doesn't wish to speak to me right now and will not be talking to me for a few days because I apparently don't care about him.

I'm just very upset over this. I love him with all I've got, it just bothers me sometimes that I'm the only one working and when I finally get time off I'm bombarded with drama.

Sometimes he acts so childish and I have no idea how to handle it. ):

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

Soozerella:
Why doesn't your bf work?

He says he can't get a job - when in reality he's chose marijuana over having a life. And because I personally disagree with his choices and refuse to be around him when he's smoking or high, he's convinced himself that I don't want to help him.

doodlyjane · May 2013

Sounds like pretty typical (and hard to combat) denial on his part, regarding you "not wanting to help him."

For his behavior today...hardcore selfishness. There's a difference between having a bad day...and having a bad day and lashing out at your girlfriend who supports you. If you feel like you're up to a probably unpleasant discussion, maybe you could call him on it?

ETA: Soozerella: My DH is no angel, and we've had similar issues as OP in the past. I stuck with him because I love him. Sometimes what's right for your heart is not what the rest of society thinks is right. For me, it turned out pretty fantastic (aside from current sleeping issues :P), but for others it doesn't turn out so great. I hope for OP's sake that her SO gets his sh!t together in one way or another, soon.

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

doodlyjane:
Sounds like pretty typical (and hard to combat) denial on his part, regarding you "not wanting to help him."
For his behavior today...hardcore selfishness. There's a difference between having a bad day...and having a bad day and lashing out at your girlfriend who supports you. If you feel like you're up to a probably unpleasant discussion, maybe you could call him on it?

ETA: Soozerella: My DH is no angel, and we've had similar issues as OP in the past. I stuck with him because I love him. Sometimes what's right for your heart is not what the rest of society thinks is right. For me, it turned out pretty fantastic (aside from current sleeping issues :P), but for others it doesn't turn out so great. I hope for OP's sake that her SO gets his sh!t together in one way or another, soon.

Thank you for understanding. When we were younger we got together. It didn't bother me because we were kids - it was nothing then. Where as I grew up, he didn't. I don't know if he's not going to change, or if it's just because this entire ordeal has set in for him, but I just really hope soon he realizes what a miracle this is and steps up to help me. No matter what, I will always but baby first, of course. because my child needs me more than anything, however I want baby to think the same for it's father. I'm honestly just scared that were going to stay at a standstill - and it'll be the hardest thing in the world because I really do love him. /:

Julieturner507 · May 2013

Oh goodness. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I think that now is the time for some tough love. There are plenty of people who have been in your situation and their SO stepped up and everything turned out beautifully. There are thousands more that didn't. The odds are not in your favor.

That being said, you need to set some boundaries with him. Boundaries for how he treats you, how he takes care of you, and probably even how he takes care of himself. Expect more from him. You deserve it. Your baby deserves it.

That's my two cents worth. But I wish you the best. :]

2010weddinggal · May 2013

My husband works full time and he smokes pot (which he is quitting we had this discussion before I even got pregnant) smoking pot is not an excuse not to work. Just sit down and tell him that it is either the pot or you that you can't be around someone who isn't going to make the steps in the right way.

Tez1013 · May 2013

Soozerella:
itsaleedanielle:
He says he can't get a job when in reality he's chose marijuana over having a life. And because I personally disagree with his choices and refuse to be around him when he's smoking or high, he's convinced himself that I don't want to help him.

Why are you starting a family with someone who chooses getting high over his families future.

This x10000 just plain stupid why would you bring a child into that???

lp0 · May 2013

In an ideal world your bf would have quit smoking weed and gotten a job before you were pregnant but plans change and he needs to get his act together. He has someone else he needs to take care of and it's really unfair to expect his pregnant gf to take care of him. What if you end up on bed rest? What about maternity leave?

I assume since he doesn't work you are giving him money to buy weed? Cut him off! He can't buy it if he doesn't have the money. I'm sure that money could be better used for bills or baby stuff, especially since you are on one income.

You also need to realize that sometimes people grow apart. I don't doubt you love him but things change, especially when a baby comes into the picture. It sounds like you want to put the baby first but are you prepared to do that? I definitely wouldn't have someone baked out of their mind holding my baby. Have a heart to heart with him and be prepared to make some hard decisions if it doesn't work out. Don't wait until the last minute or after the baby comes to make a move. GL!

malamutemommy · May 2013

First off all, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in the same boat, however I wasn't pregnant by the guy. I told him he needed to get his sh!t together or I was gone. And guess what? We're not together anymore. The fact is, we can't change anybody no matter how much we want to, or hope that they'll grow up, or wish they could see your side of things. Nine times out of ten, they're not going to change. I don't think pot is the worst thing that he could be doing, however you are now pregnant, and it's time for him to step up as an adult and as a father. You didn't get pregnant by yourself. He contributed to that, and he needs to contribute to the future family in the act of an income, because you won't be able to do it alone. You deserve so much better, and I know that it's going to be hard but trust me, I've been in the same situation, and I knew that wasn't a future I wanted for myself. And in your case, you don't want this for you, or your child growing up thinking his behavior is acceptable, because children learn by example. Think if this is the future you want for yourself and for your child. You deserve someone that will pull their weight in the relationship, and someone that will treat you like a princess. There's plenty of MEN out there. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. I did it for a long time, and when I got out of it, I was amazed at what I had been missing and what I had been considering acceptable in my relationship. When I look back on it now, it hurts that I spent so much time with someone that didn't truly care about me, he only cared about himself and his pot. You deserve so much more, and don't let being pregnant stop you. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay with him, especially if you're not happy. I wish you the best.

tealowl · May 2013

itsaleedanielle:

Soozerella:
Why doesn't your bf work?

He says he can't get a job - when in reality he's chose marijuana over having a life. And because I personally disagree with his choices and refuse to be around him when he's smoking or high, he's convinced himself that I don't want to help him.

That's a pretty crappy excuse. Many of my friends smoke pot daily and have full time jobs. In fact, a lot make more than I do.

zou bisou · May 2013

Sorry to hear the circumstances are less than ideal. If it were me, I'd form a real strong support network for myself. I suspect you'll be struggling with anger and resentment towards him in the future.

KFED103 · May 2013

itsaleedanielle:

Where as I grew up, he didn't.

That should have been game over right then. He needs to get a job and grow the eff up. If he doesn't soon....sorry, he's not going to. You don't need to take care of 2 kids. I know you "love" him, but it's not love unless he loves you back. And TRUE love is being an actual partner and taking life's challenges as a team. I'm sorry but you don't have a teammate, you have a large immature child.

thetheisens · May 2013

You need to have a serious talk with your bf. He needs to grow up, period. He is being immature and throwing a tantrum. He needs to quit smoking pot and using it as an excuse for not having a job. If he can't get one while smoking pot, he needs to quit. He needs to be there for you and his child and leave his friend drama behind. Imagine him doing this to you when you have a newborn baby to take care of. He can't act like a child and raise a child at the same time.

notkateanymore · May 2013

How old is he? Maybe that's why he's acting like a child.

notkateanymore · May 2013

teal owl:
itsaleedanielle:

Soozerella:
Why doesn't your bf work?

He says he can't get a job - when in reality he's chose marijuana over having a life. And because I personally disagree with his choices and refuse to be around him when he's smoking or high, he's convinced himself that I don't want to help him.

That's a pretty crappy excuse. Many of my friends smoke pot daily and have full time jobs. In fact, a lot make more than I do.

yeah, I had a friend who was a sr. vp at Kimberly-Clarke...got baked every night after work until his kids were born.

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

I've had a talk with him telling him he has until I hit week 20 to be clean and have a job because I don't want my child growing up around a dead beat dad. It wasn't a choice to have a child - however we didn't try to prevent it either. What's done is done though, so to those of you telling me I shouldn't be trying to raise a family under these conditions, that's out the window now. I'm already pregnant, this baby is coming, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't pay for weed - never have, simply because I do not approve. My boyfriend grew up smoking with his parents and in turn they give it to him. He's tried quitting twice before, however he didn't last long either time. In the end - if he's not smoking or high around me OR my child, I don't care what he does. I just want to have him in this with me and help support us.

I've tried the "It's us or the weed" thing and it didn't seem to last long. I'm getting to the end of my rope with it, and I think that I'm going to have to just walk away soon. I'm just trying to see if there's anything left before I do.

I don't mind being a single parent. I just feel guilty for making my baby grow up without seeing much of it's daddy.

KFED103 · May 2013

itsaleedanielle:
I've had a talk with him telling him he has until I hit week 20 to be clean and have a job because I don't want my child growing up around a dead beat dad. It wasn't a choice to have a child - however we didn't try to prevent it either. What's done is done though, so to those of you telling me I shouldn't be trying to raise a family under these conditions, that's out the window now. I'm already pregnant, this baby is coming, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't pay for weed - never have, simply because I do not approve. My boyfriend grew up smoking with his parents and in turn they give it to him. He's tried quitting twice before, however he didn't last long either time. In the end - if he's not smoking or high around me OR my child, I don't care what he does. I just want to have him in this with me and help support us.

I've tried the "It's us or the weed" thing and it didn't seem to last long. I'm getting to the end of my rope with it, and I think that I'm going to have to just walk away soon. I'm just trying to see if there's anything left before I do.

I don't mind being a single parent. I just feel guilty for making my baby grow up without seeing much of it's daddy.

You don't sound like you are taking to heart what these older (sorry girls!) wiser women are telling you. He has had over a month to process what is happening and get his act together. At 20 weeks are you going to give him until 30 weeks? And then when the baby is born, give him more time?? All the while nagging him because you need help and he is MIA smoking with his buddies (still unemployed) and arguing and yelling in front of an innocent child. Good lord my head hurts.

For the sake of this unborn child, I hope to God you have a supportive family. He will do NOTHING for you and from the sound of it neither will his family.

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

KFED103:

You don't sound like you are taking to heart what these older (sorry girls!) wiser women are telling you. He has had over a month to process what is happening and get his act together. At 20 weeks are you going to give him until 30 weeks? And then when the baby is born, give him more time?? All the while nagging him because you need help and he is MIA smoking with his buddies (still unemployed) and arguing and yelling in front of an innocent child. Good lord my head hurts.

For the sake of this unborn child, I hope to God you have a supportive family. He will do NOTHING for you and from the sound of it neither will his family.

I don't think you took into account what I said either here, though.

itsaleedanielle:
I've had a talk with him telling him he has until I hit week 20 to be clean and have a job because I don't want my child growing up around a dead beat dad.

I think that I'm going to have to just walk away soon.

The talk I had with him was a while ago saying he had until week 20, however I think I'm going to have to walk away sooner. I am taking all of this into account. I really am, however - in the end it is my decision. You are jumping to conclusions awfully quickly, and I know it's for the well being of my and my child (and I REALLY do appreciate that) it's just seeming that things are getting misinterpreted here on all accounts. For now, I have my distance. I'm taking things day by day and preparing myself to do this on my own, I just keep a little hope in the back of my mind that one day he may mature because I would like my child to have a nice relationship with it's father. Although I don't see him everyday and don't see things changing, I am still giving him a chance because this is a BIG situation at stake. Wouldn't you want the chance to change to, rather than just being blocked out?

I know my methods aren't the most practical, however I'm still young and trying to figure out how to handle things on my own.

I am taking everything in though. If he doesn't change (and soon) there's no hope for it, and I'll have to walk away form the situation. That I know for sure.

KFED103 · May 2013

itsaleedanielle:

I don't think you took into account what I said either here, though.

itsaleedanielle:
I've had a talk with him telling him he has until I hit week 20 to be clean and have a job because I don't want my child growing up around a dead beat dad.

I think that I'm going to have to just walk away soon.

The talk I had with him was a while ago saying he had until week 20, however I think I'm going to have to walk away sooner. I am taking all of this into account. I really am, however - in the end it is my decision. You are jumping to conclusions awfully quickly, and I know it's for the well being of my and my child (and I REALLY do appreciate that) it's just seeming that things are getting misinterpreted here on all accounts. For now, I have my distance. I'm taking things day by day and preparing myself to do this on my own, I just keep a little hope in the back of my mind that one day he may mature because I would like my child to have a nice relationship with it's father. Although I don't see him everyday and don't see things changing, I am still giving him a chance because this is a BIG situation at stake. Wouldn't you want the chance to change to, rather than just being blocked out?

I know my methods aren't the most practical, however I'm still young and trying to figure out how to handle things on my own.

I am taking everything in though. If he doesn't change (and soon) there's no hope for it, and I'll have to walk away form the situation. That I know for sure.

I did take what you said into account. That you gave him a deadline to make some changes in his life. My point is that you have such hope that things will change and he will become the father that you want him to be, that you aren't accepting the reality of what he is willing to do. Because of that you will keep giving him chance after chance because deep down you think he can. I can't fault you for that, every young mother in your situation would probably do the same.

We just want what's best for your baby, and a mother constantly worried about her deadbeat boyfriend who does nothing but cause conflict and anger around that baby, is not what should be happening.

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

KFED103:
We just want what's best for your baby, and a mother constantly worried about her deadbeat boyfriend who does nothing but cause conflict and anger around that baby, is not what should be happening.

You're right.

I guess he and I have a lot to talk about today.
This is going to be a tough one.

KFED103 · May 2013

itsaleedanielle:
KFED103:

We just want what's best for your baby, and a mother constantly worried about her deadbeat boyfriend who does nothing but cause conflict and anger around that baby, is not what should be happening.

You're right.
I guess he and I have a lot to talk about today.
This is going to be a tough one.

I know it's tough. But it seemed you guys are all "talked" out. Time for some action my dear I do wish you the best of luck so that you can raise this child in the best circumstances possible.

itsaleedanielle · May 2013

KFED103:
itsaleedanielle:
KFED103:

We just want what's best for your baby, and a mother constantly worried about her deadbeat boyfriend who does nothing but cause conflict and anger around that baby, is not what should be happening.

You're right.
I guess he and I have a lot to talk about today.
This is going to be a tough one.

I know it's tough. But it seemed you guys are all "talked" out. Time for some action my dear I do wish you the best of luck so that you can raise this child in the best circumstances possible.

Thank you. (:

It's going to be hard, but in the ends it's the best thing to do.

SO on a meltdown - just for venting

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