Having a real hard time (Long)

BrittianyM · May 2013

I am having a realy hard time dealing with the loss of my 11 week old daughter. She was very healthy & happy. Still do not have the offical cause of death but we believe it was SIDS.

I just don't understand how this happend or why. This was not the way life was to be. Last year around this time we got pregnant with her. We didn't even make it to a full year with her including the pregnacy.

I feel so alone and heart broken. This is the first time in my life where I don't know how to live or even want too. Worst thing I have even been through. There were so many nights that I was putting her to bed that I just sat there holding her and smileing. That was the happiest I have ever been. Had a great hunny, wonderful baby and a crazy dog. Life couldn't get any better. There was not a single thing that I wanted. Now it is gone.

How do I contiune to breathe without her? Thinking about all the "firsts" that I am going to miss. When I see other babies I just don't know how I can live without her. I miss feeling her next to me and her cute little sounds. Wasn't even done BFing. She was alomost to perfect to be real. I guess thats why she is gone. Perfect people do not exist.

Not only did I lose her but I also lost me BFF. She was the one watching my little girl when she passed. She had been put on her tummy. I never did that. Why would she do that? I can't even talk to her right now. At first I didn't blame her but now I am angry and do blame her.

Mostly I blame myself for putting her there and not saying do not place her on her tummy. I will live with that for the rest of my life. This hurts so bad.

Thanks for listening and I am truly sorry that any of us are here. No matter what stage a loss occured, it is a loss and very painful.

MommytoAngel · May 2013

I'm so sorry about your daughter... I know nothing I can say will bring her back or make it hurt less. I think we have to try our best to go on for them. They would want us to. Everyone tells me that while it never goes away it does get a little easier as time goes by. We will always think of them, wonder what if... And partially blame ourselves but try to hang in there. Try to stay busy... And let us all try to be there for support...

Heatherhah · May 2013

I truly am so so sorry. I know it is tough right now and I know it all seems so dark and so sad all the time. You will feel these feelings for a very long time and that is okay. I would suggest maybe seeking counseling I did right after we lost DD2 and I tell you my grief counselor is amazing and I love her so much she helped me see that I am not weird or stange for feeling all of the things you are feeling now. I also joined a loss support group it helped to bond with other moms and dads who lost babies like we did. These men and woman are now so close to me after almost 20 months. I promise you that time will change that sting in your heart. It will never go away at all but it will not be so hard in time. I was a damn mess the first 6 months my loss was a little different then your since we lost our DD2 at 38 wks 4 days 3 days before I was suppose to have my c section. My DD jsut died inside me with no explanation. The what ifs are terrible I tortured myself so much for like 3 months with the what ifs.

I am not going to tell you that your daughter is always with you even thogh she is because that hurts so much to hear so early on because you just want your little girl here with you. I understand I won't lie I really did kind of drift through life the first month or so. I didn't eat and all I did was cry and sleep. the only thing I did do was go to see my counselor. Sometimes 2 times a week early on. I also think that putting your energy into somethign else and keeping your self occupied with something is a good suggestion for sure even if it is hard. Our minds will really play tricks on us. Just keep your mind busy too.

I am so sorry you have to know this pain it isn't fair babies aren't suppose to die it doesn't make any sense. I also understand how you can feel anger and blame your friend I would be the same way. Huge hugs to you. I wish I could hug you in real life because it sucks to be this new person with out our babies. Thinking of you !!

Hugs- Heather

BrittianyM · May 2013

Thanks ladies for your support. It means alot to me. I wish none of us were on this board.

OSUWifey09 · May 2013

I wish I had words of comfort, but I really don't. All I can say is that we've all been there, and things will hopefully get better - but it will take time. I lost my son at 34 weeks to a placental abruption, and those first few weeks were the longest weeks of my life. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to move forward without my son. With the support of this board, my husband, my family and friends, and counseling, I have been able to move forward...but I still have my bad days.

It's OK to be angry, sad, mad. I felt all of those things, too, in the first days after losing Devon. As others said, trying to stay occupied may help with things. I have a 4yo at home, and he kept me on my toes in those days and weeks after losing Devon. I also started reading again, journaling and hanging out with friends to take my mind off of things.

Please know that we are here if you ever need anything. I know the board can be a little slow, but there are still people around. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Noethola · May 2013

Big (hugs) sweetie. Its an awful journey, and it will be lifelong. It is so hard going through life missing our babies. I agree that the "if onlys" will play out in your mind over and over again. I bet your friend is really beating herself up about it too. The guilt she must be feeling would be incredible.

Finding something to do was necessary for me after our loss. We both threw ourselves into work and creative outlets.

cawettig · May 2013

I am so sorry, your life with her sounded beautiful, I am sorry that she is not here anymore. I know how you are blaming yourself, we all have been there. There is a part of me that still blames myself, but you need to try your hardest to stop blaming yourself, you could not control your friend. You shouldn't have had to tell her not to lay her on her belly, We are all educated now days with the risks of laying on the belly. I do not know why she did this, you may never understand why. Don't be mad at yourself for not talking to her right now. One day you will be able to come to that road and try to forgive her. Right now you do not need to worry yourself with her. You need to focus all your energy on surviving this traumatic event. It takes everything to try to cope.

Like others have mentioned I would definitely find a counselor soon. My dh had to drag me every week to it. I hated going in there. I hated talking about the pain that I felt. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to hear the counselor tell me that it was not my fault. I hated her for so long because I didn't want to hear anything about how it was not my fault. I feel comfortable now going and talking to her. It really does help.

Hold onto the memories of her, you will never forget her.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · May 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

I could have written this myself back when everything happened for me. It's completely normal to feel lost right now. Everything is unfathomable. You never expected this or anticipated this or feel it should have happened. And in the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't. It all seems wrong. One thing that I did to help with the "should haves" was to write them down. I sat down one day and wrote everything I could think of. I named my list "The Nevers" (it's in my blog - link is in my siggy if you want to check it out). It helped to write them down. Up until that point I just kept repeating them over and over again in my head.

Blaming yourself is normal. We all do it. We shouldn't, but we do.

I know it's very hard to see right now but things will get "better." When I say "better" it's more like - you will learn how to incorporate your grief into your daily life without it taking over. Am I still extremely upset over losing my son? Yes. Do I think about him every second of everyday? Absolutely. Do I expect it to ever stop? No - nor do I want it to. Can I function and appear to the outside world like everything is fine? Absolutely. It takes quite a while but you will find the balance. I promise.

Wishing you peace and love.

shandorfml2 · May 2013

I am so sorry sweetie. I know your feelings. Still occasionally I ask myself if I can go on....breathe without her. Totally get that. Take it one moment at a time. Sending lots of hugs and love...

angelsnight · May 2013

I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad. I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but I know words won't really help right now. But know I am thinking of you, and praying for you.

I am also sorry about your friend....I can't even imagine the struggle you must feel, but I cannot imagine anyone could go through this without placing some blame. I pray you two can work things out in the future so you don't lose your friend too, but don't feel like it has to happen. You need to take care of yourself right now and not worry about how you feel toward your friend.

I agree with PP, counseling if you're not already in it is a lifesaver for some. I always feel so much better after a session. Also, it's not for everyone, but I have been on zoloft since my loss. It doesn't take the hurt away, and it doesn't make it ok that our babies are gone, but it makes it easier to deal with other stressors which helps a ton. I have no been angry in traffic, other people aren't annoying me and that is exactly what I need right now. Big hugs to you sweetie, I am so sorry you're going through this.

HullGut · May 2013

***siggy warning***

I am so sorry. Its not right at all that people have to go through this. You should not be without your baby. I feel so sad for you. Its so hard to get through this. I was really depressed for about 4 months like terrible did not want to do anything. I slowly feel better. I still ache for my sweet baby and I don't get it. Someone told me when I felt guilty or blamed myself. To think about my gut and see if I really blamed myself. When time passed I knew there was nothing I could do. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

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