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Sigir
member
so difficult exh
Sigir
member
ugh. I really hate exh. He is so difficult to work with. It pains me to have to deal with him. I just got off the phone with him trying to work out an issue, and it makes me want to vomit. I am happy to say that I stayed strong and didn't cave (that is a change for me), and I am awaiting the angry email (I give it two hours- it will take him that long to craft it). eta- the angry email already came. that was a record!
Here's the scoop- we have right of first refusal for business travel. We also have it stipulated that we have to work together for make up time. I travel quite a bit, and he
1. Never gives me an equal number of make up time days - he flat out refuses. I always document this
-and-
2. Always makes us drive the 90 min round trip to get dc for make up time. We are supposed to share travel time 50 - 50 in the court order. I told my dh that we should have asked exh to meet somewhere 1/2 way, but he always was ok with driving bc we were getting the make up time. (btw, it was exh that moved - we live 1 town away from his work)
Anyway, now exh has a trip. I told him the make up date was fine, but what he would have to bring dc back by xx am on the next day. He replied that we will have to come get dc. It's crazy! I called to explain that 1) I have been doing 100% of the driving, 2) it's his turn, 3) he has brought her back in the past when he gets make up time and 4) I proposed an alternate day. Now he claims that since every day he has her, he drives from our town to his home, this is sharing the travel. However, this is his daily commute, which he would be travelling regardless! it is no extra travel for him! I call BS!
So it ended with him saying he will be taking dc on that day, and me saying that I do not agree to that day unless he can bring her back on the next day, and him hanging up on me. And now he just sent an angry email saying he will be taking her, and "I trust that will resolve the matter".
The truth is that weekend is jam packed, and adding a 90 min commute would be v difficult. Plus, I don't want to just roll over for exh the bully. So my dh says, we will just pick her up on that day, and not let him have her. Or, when he does not return her, we call the police (and we warn EXH we are going to do that). For me, I don't want the drama, but I also don't want to continue to get walked all over. I did get out of exh on the phone that the reason he refuses to bring her back anymore is because one time, we asked him to bring her to a friend's birthday party in town instead of directly home, and he is holding on to a grudge over that.
So what do you all think... what should we do? I have a history of being walked all over by exh, so I am trying to make sure I am not doing that again. I have to reply to his email today... I am not sure if I should continue to hold strong, and face the possible consequences (that I esp don't want to deal with because I am pregnant and hormonal again), or should I just suck it up and drive.
eta another thing we could do was just say, sorry, we can't take dc while you are travelling this time, so we don't have to deal with this make up time nightmare... but I think it's too late for that.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: so difficult exh
I said that on the phone. He refused, saying that since he drives from our town to his every time he has her, he is already "doing me a favor". I pointed out that 95% of that drive is his normal work commute. He did not care, and claimed a judge would agree with him, and threatened to bring me to court for contempt.
I proposed an alternate day of a Monday (so there would be no extra driving). he refused.
He is not open to any options besides me picking her up.
You have offered to meet halfway, and offered to give him an extra day so neither of you have to do extra driving, if I read that right. So, IMO I would tell him you've done your part in trying to compromise with the make up dates, and if he can't pick one of those options he will have to pick different dates to make up his time. You already have plans that weekend that do not work with that long of a commute. Tell him he has X amount of time to decide to either pick different make up dates, choose to meet halfway, or choose the Monday drop off instead.
ETA I had not seen your reply. I would call your lawyer if you have one to verify what to so but I am pretty sure you are fine telling him that since he will not agree to follow the CO to drive halfway then he cannot have the visit and ask him in writing to offer other dates. But if he is driving her all the way to his house he is right that a judge might find you should pick her up because technically he did drive half of the round trip.
You don't have to give XH any make up days with this logic - Since you have always document lost make up days, I would count them up. Let's say you have missed 23 days over lost make up time. And let's say XH is asking for 2 make up days. I would retort with - you have denied me 23 make up days, and now you are asking for 2 make up days. I will take those days, which means you now only owe me 21 make up days.
I would seriously do this, but I'm a b!tch like that. Although, really, he's the real d!ck here for never giving you your make up time and not doing his share of the driving.
Yes, that is the piece that I am not 100% sure on... would a judge agree that his daily commute, which he has to do every day irregardless of if he has dc or not, is part of the 50 - 50 driving split?
I personally think no, because after all he already is doing it. He of course thinks yes... I am not certain how a judge would feel. I guess this is a question for a lawyer... unfortunately we do not have one currently on retainer.
I love this response! I brought this up to him on the phone as well, and he said something to the effect of "I try to work with you" which is bs. He lets me make up about 60% of the days I miss from travel.
I don't think a judge would care that he would have to do the drive regardless of whether he has your DD or not. Technically as long as he is doing half the drive that is all that is required, without any other stipulations. Unfortunately it's extra frustrating since he is the one that moved away an is now being difficult. On another note, I think you've done more than enough to accommodate him and all he is doing is digging his heels in and refusing to work with you. Tell him to drive DD to work with him that Monday and you can pick her up from his work. Otherwise he is SOL.
he drives to your house to bring her to his
you drive to his house and bring her to yours
that IS 50% of the driving. don't let him tell you differently. if the CO says "50%" not "meet halfway" then the above senario will work in your case
I think those are two issues. But it sounds like their CO states makeup time.
A judge is not going to care why he was in town and only that he drove her. If you do not do your half of the driving then you violate the terms if the CO. But I do agree that if he owes you time and you can state that he owes you time from X dates and you can prove he refused makeup time then you are entitled to tell him that you are applying the days to what he owes you. I hope all of it is in writing.
A judge is not going to care why he was in town and only that he drove her. If you do not do your half of the driving then you violate the terms if the CO. But I do agree that if he owes you time and you can state that he owes you time from X dates and you can prove he refused makeup time then you are entitled to tell him that you are applying the days to what he owes you. I hope all of it is in writing.
Yes, we have both stipulated in our co, in seperate clauses.
So, if I refuse the make up time on that particular date unless he brings her back, and he takes her anyway and does not bring her back, then what? Is there a point in calling the police? Filing contempt? I don't know what to do in that case.
I really hate that this is escalating, but I know I have to be tough.
Yes, every single time he denies me it is all in email and I reply saying something like "this is another instance in which you are denying me one day of make up parenting time, which we are to have according to clause xxx...". It's annoying but I document well for future visits to court.
eta the approach I am taking with the email I am drafting now is not mentioning the driving per say... my points are:
- since you can not drop her off on x day, this does not work for me as a make up day because of our previous plans
- I suggest two alternate days -or-
- I suggest that I can take this as one of the days he has not granted me
- I reiterate that I do not agree with xx day, and that I can not be scared into his demands...
My only question mark is, what do I say I will do if he picks her up on xx day against my agreement, which is what he is threatening?
No, we haven't for about a year now unfortunately. [or fortunately depending on how you look at it]
How do you handle driving right now? Whatever you're doing stop. Agree that whoever is starting their parenting time picks the child up. That way it is harder for one person to deny the other parenting time.
I think your approach about e-mailing him is good. Take this particular day off the table. It isn't worth battling over. Just say no and move on. Tell him that it doesn't work for you but you're willing to do XXX date or XXY date. If neither of those work for him he's welcome to request a different day or you can count that against the days he owes you.
I honestly would not put something in there about "not being scared into his demands" that's unnecessary at this point. Just stand your ground and he will get your point. Don't threaten him with anything. If he keeps her when he isn't supposed to try to work it out (if there's a potential miscommunication) but if that doesn't work then file for contempt. That's really all there is to do. You could call the cops but do you really want your child to witness that? And even if they do show up there's a chance they won't do anything.