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How to deal with unacceptable parenting (vent)

Sparks in training!Sparks in training! member
in Blended Families

I have raised my 11 yr DD with my DH since she was 2. He has always been the father role. But his behavior and parenting style has changed. He now loses his cool and ends up blowing up at DD curse words and all.

It has gotten to the point that any time he gets upset the f-bombs fly. The behavior has progressed to this point over a 4 year span.

I'VE already tried talking, emailing, begging etc to seriously stop this beyond ok way to EVER speak to a child.

so here is my deal. I cannot change him. I do try to leave the home or area when he is like this. I do explain to my DD that his behavior is not ok and he is wrong.

I told him again on Sunday that I will not raise my children in a home where he thinks its ok to EVER speak to a child like such, and that didnt get much else where.

Im getting to a point of planning a future without him.

Anyone have any advise or just words of encouragement?

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Re: How to deal with unacceptable parenting (vent)

  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    You know how you want to raise her and how you want her to turn out and if he cannot be a positive person in your life and will not change then the two of you will be better off without him. Is he willin to do therapy? If not it sounds like his refusal to change says that he is done, do what is best for you and your DD. good luck.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    If the behavior is unacceptable to you and he either will not or cannot change, then you go.

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  • Sparks in training!Sparks in training! member

    I totally think that there is a depression thing. I have begged for therapy. He wont go.

    We moved 4 years ago out of state and he has NEVER been ok with it. And he thinks his behavior is ok. He grew up in a home like that. I did not. EVER.

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  • Sparks in training!Sparks in training! member

    hahaa ..is was HIS job that transferred. Long story short, his job transferred and then that just ended not even 2 years into our move. He alredy got another job and its ok. Pays good, but its not on the West Coast. I am able to transfer jobs back to either AZ or NV which would be closer to home (ca). and that just doesnt seem enough for him.

    I jell with what ever comes at me. I dont like FL but make the best of it....he just stopped living.

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  • new+tothisnew+tothis member
    I agree with the PPs. You can't stay if this is how it is going to be. That's unacceptable for children to grow up around. Do you think he would be open to therapy if you did a separation? Does he realize how bad this is? If you don't think he realizes it I would try video taping one of these incidents and showing him the video after things have calmed down.
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    Honey, I was ready to leave my DH because his parenting with SS was so lax it was creating a monster (it is a phrase people) and I wasnt going to let him parent DD with the same LAX (no abusive, not rude, not inapporpriate, just lax) actions.

    I would most definitely divorce him if his responses to normal child rearing situations were explicatives and emotional abuse.  And that is what he is doing...he is emotionally abusing your child.   

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  • WahooWahoo member
    imageSparks in training!:

    He now loses his cool and ends up blowing up at DD curse words and all.

    It has gotten to the point that any time he gets upset the f-bombs fly. The behavior has progressed to this point over a 4 year span.

    I'VE already tried talking, emailing, begging etc to seriously stop this beyond ok way to EVER speak to a child.

    so here is my deal. I cannot change him. I do try to leave the home or area when he is like this. I do explain to my DD that his behavior is not ok and he is wrong.

    The thing is, you can explain to your DD that H's behavior is wrong, but unless you leave (or he changes), your actions are saying that really it IS ok. 

    Your DD (and you) deserve better.  If she grows up around your H the way he is now, she will be more likely to gravitate towards men who don't respect her and treat her badly emotionally.  Sadly, it will be "familiar" and "comfortable" to her.  

    I know you have higher standards for yourself and your DD!   

    DH grew up in a household like this (bio-dad and nasty stepmom).  All of FILs children stopped speaking to him at one point once they clued in that although the stepmom was a b*tch, it was HIS job to protect them.  You will be doing the right thing to leave your H. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • bosoxybosoxy member
    imageWahoo:
    imageSparks in training!:

    He now loses his cool and ends up blowing up at DD curse words and all.

    It has gotten to the point that any time he gets upset the f-bombs fly. The behavior has progressed to this point over a 4 year span.

    I'VE already tried talking, emailing, begging etc to seriously stop this beyond ok way to EVER speak to a child.

    so here is my deal. I cannot change him. I do try to leave the home or area when he is like this. I do explain to my DD that his behavior is not ok and he is wrong.

    The thing is, you can explain to your DD that H's behavior is wrong, but unless you leave (or he changes), your actions are saying that really it IS ok. 

    Your DD (and you) deserve better.  If she grows up around your H the way he is now, she will be more likely to gravitate towards men who don't respect her and treat her badly emotionally.  Sadly, it will be "familiar" and "comfortable" to her.  

    I know you have higher standards for yourself and your DD!   

    DH grew up in a household like this (bio-dad and nasty stepmom).  All of FILs children stopped speaking to him at one point once they clued in that although the stepmom was a b*tch, it was HIS job to protect them.  You will be doing the right thing to leave your H. 

    I just wanted to add more experience to what Wahoo said.  If you aren't able to back up your partner's parenting and are going behind their back to say they are wrong, you are also showing your daughter not to respect all authority.  i'm not saying you are wrong for telling your daughter that DH is being an , but keeping her in the situation isn't doing her any favors.  This tends to lead to issues later.

    Like another PP said, try to record him even if it's just audio.  Play it back for him when DD isn't around.  If he still has no reaction or remorse, still doesn't think it is wrong, then I would leave and get therapy for myself and DD.

    Good luck, I hope you are able to work this out. 

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