anyone raising a "mean girl" — The Bump
Pre-School

anyone raising a "mean girl"

DD is kind of wild, but overall a pretty good kid.  She listens most of the time, but she's not exactly a nice person, the best way I can describe it is a mean girl situation.  I'm very close with DD and she'll do anything for me, although I'm pretty good at making just about anything fun or scary (Hurry the bug is going to get you).  Because she prefers me to DH if he tries talking to her when she doesn't want to be bothered she goes "uh" to him.  The issue is with other kids.  I've noticed kids that are independent and outgoing she loves, but kids that are a little less social or for what ever reason don't seem as cool, DD is rude to.

For example, the other day at the park I over heard a little girl telling her mom how strong DD was because she was pushing DS on the swing and that she wanted to play with her.  The little girl came to me 1st and said hi.  I very nicely said hi to her, when she went to DD to say hi DD did her "uh" and walked away from the girl.  The girl and her mom started to play so when DD saw that they were having fun she came over, but as soon as the girl looked at her DD was rude again and walked away.

There are several kids that DD just can't be bothered with most of the time and does her "uh" response if they try to talk to her, although there are times she'll play with them.  She also acts like that to older people.  Then there seems to be another group that she'd never act like that and is just a blast to be around.

I try talking to her before we go out about being nice and talking to people, and when she does act nasty I talk to her to the side.  I feel like its really awkward for me to discipline her infront of people because it puts them in a strange position.  I don't want to tell her she's getting a time out or make her cry because she doesn't say hi to someone, because I'm sure that person would feel really awkward.

Anyone else deal with this?  Not necessarily behavior issues, just lack of social skills?  How do you deal? 

Re: anyone raising a "mean girl"

  • although I would feel awkawrd, I mean it's awkward for other people.  If I kid won't say hi to you and the parent tells the kid how that's not nice and the kid still ignores everyone and then the kid is told if you don't say say hi we're leaving or time out so then the kid starts screaming, wouldn't you feel kind of uncomfortable like you caused this big scene because you said hi to the kid
  • imagemommymegan831:
    although I would feel awkawrd, I mean it's awkward for other people.  If I kid won't say hi to you and the parent tells the kid how that's not nice and the kid still ignores everyone and then the kid is told if you don't say say hi we're leaving or time out so then the kid starts screaming, wouldn't you feel kind of uncomfortable like you caused this big scene because you said hi to the kid

    No, I wouldn't feel bad for causing a big scene.  I would feel bad that my DAUGHTER caused a scene by being rude to someone.  And if I were the other parent, I wouldn't feel awkward about it.  I'd probably just think you were disciplining your kid and following through with what you say.  If you want to draw the line at "Be nice and say hi, or we're leaving", then you need to follow through with that. 

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  • Also, when she does her "uh" thing to your DH, how do you handle it?  Because if it's not a big deal in front of her dad, it's no surprise she's trying it out with her peers.
  • imagemommymegan831:
    although I would feel awkawrd, I mean it's awkward for other people.  If I kid won't say hi to you and the parent tells the kid how that's not nice and the kid still ignores everyone and then the kid is told if you don't say say hi we're leaving or time out so then the kid starts screaming, wouldn't you feel kind of uncomfortable like you caused this big scene because you said hi to the kid

    I don't force my kid to say hi to anyone at this age.  I encourage it, but if he doesn't feel comfortable, I don't force it.  Most people understand.

    If he's rude to someone, I correct him and if he needs to stop playing because he's not listening to me, I don't care what others think.  It's more awkward to watch a child disrespect their parent and the parent not really doing much about it.   Snuff that fear out now or you're going to be in real trouble when you're dealing with a 12 year old who thinks it's safe to snot off to mom in public because mom doesn't want to make a scene.

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  • when she does her "uh" to DH we tell her it's not nice.  If she's watching TV and he's just trying to talk to her we'll turn the TV off until she responds to him.  I guess I just feel like if I were on the other side and me or my kid had spoken to a kid that wouldn't talk to us and the mom made a big scene of it, I'd feel really uncomfortable and think it's really no big deal if your kid doesn't want to talk to me and after the big scene was made, you kid's half assed hi would seem so pointless.  However, as the mom of the rude kid, I'd like her to be nice to everyone. 

    I guess I'm thinking it's not worth making a scene of her being rude, and it's rude by ignoring people not by being nasty.  It's not that she doesn't listen.  Just this weekend we went to the mall and there were about 4 things she wanted and didn't get, but she didn't flip out once.  It's just how she treats other people that isn't always nice, not because she's hitting them or yelling at them or not sharing, but just because she doesn't want to be bothered with them.  I'm just looking to see if anyone's been through anything like this and have any tips on getting your kid to be friendlier.    

  • It sounds like she knows what she is doing and is intentionally being rude.  I used to be embarrassed when my son would turn his back on anyone who spoke to him  Sometimes adding some snotty eyeroll, but he was language delayed and never spoke in public.  In that case we worked on giving a little wave then burrowing into me.  Now that he is doing well, I call him on the rude eyes.

    If my girls were to be rude to one of us, the other parent would jump on her back and say "That was rude.  Sorry for being rude Daddy," and wait until she apologized.  I would be inclined to leave the TV off. 

    If I were on the playground, I would likely walk over, look at the other child and get on her level and say "Sorry for being rude," and pick my daughter up and leave. 

    I think a lot of it is the age; in my twins' threes class, the girls are just now in the year beginning the snubs, but they are more subtle about it.  I don't think you can make her be friendlier, especially genuinely, but you can certainly make it clear that rude will not be tolerated.  Good luck- that is tough!

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  • LoCarbLoCarb member
    My 2 yo is a mean girl to the point my 4 yo prefaces introductions with the phrase. I'm trying real hard to make her nice but it's a challenge.
    Mommy of two girls: DD1 4/14/9 DD2 4/15/11
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  • aglennaglenn member

    I agree that it is partially the age.  DD's day care/preschool class got suddenly very cliquey at age 3 and it was sort of shocking to me to see that behavior emerge so early, but the teachers said it is totally normal for the age.  However, testing boundaries and figuring out social rules are huge developmental tasks at age 3, and letting that kind of behavior slide is not going to help.  I think you need to address it when your DD is being rude and help her find something else to say, like "I am busy right now with my brother," or whatever the case may be.  There are better ways to express that you don't want to play with a particular person right this minute without being rude.

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  • imagemommymegan831:

    when she does her "uh" to DH we tell her it's not nice.  If she's watching TV and he's just trying to talk to her we'll turn the TV off until she responds to him.  I guess I just feel like if I were on the other side and me or my kid had spoken to a kid that wouldn't talk to us and the mom made a big scene of it, I'd feel really uncomfortable and think it's really no big deal if your kid doesn't want to talk to me and after the big scene was made, you kid's half assed hi would seem so pointless.  However, as the mom of the rude kid, I'd like her to be nice to everyone. 

    Can you pull her away from the situation to discuss it?  I get not wanting to make a scene in front of everyone, but you can pull her away from everyone to chat. 

    When DD isn't nice, I ask her how she'd feel if a friend or someone treated her the way she's treating someone.  I try and get her to understand how they feel.  That usually helps. 

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  • DD has a book called, "Have you filled a Bucket Today?"  It's all about how when we treat people nicely it fills their buckets and makes them happy, but when we don't treat people nicely it dips into other people's buckets and makes them sad.  One of the examples on how to fill a bucket is to say, 'Hi' to someone and an example of dipping into a bucket is ignoring someone.  Maybe your daughter would enjoy this book?  

     

  • I have given my kid more time puts in public than I can count! Who cares? Bad Or rude behavior should equal consequences, end of story.  At this age I think a kid should always at least say hi back to another kid.  It's not some "scary" adult is making them give a kiss...it's just a simple word, and it's the polite thing to do. 
    imageimage

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  • Are you sure the uh is rude and not just that she does not want to play with the hild? When I posted something like this last year everyone told me it is fine for kids to not want to play with others. Do not punish her for not wanting to play with someone. But you can teach her appropriate responses.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imageLoCarb:
    My 2 yo is a mean girl to the point my 4 yo prefaces introductions with the phrase. I'm trying real hard to make her nice but it's a challenge.

    It sounds like you have labeled your 2 year old a "mean" girl, and your 4 year old thinks its cute and funny, and you all think its cute and funny that she calls her sister a mean girl.  Stop acting like its cute and funny and then maybe your 2 year old won't actually grow up to be a mean girl.

     

     

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  • imagesschwege:

    DD has a book called, "Have you filled a Bucket Today?"  It's all about how when we treat people nicely it fills their buckets and makes them happy, but when we don't treat people nicely it dips into other people's buckets and makes them sad.  One of the examples on how to fill a bucket is to say, 'Hi' to someone and an example of dipping into a bucket is ignoring someone.  Maybe your daughter would enjoy this book?  

     

    This book was so helpful, I bought it to help my 3 and 4 yr old realize the power of mean words. The author shows how our words and actions affect other people in a very simple and understandable way for little ones. My kids now say "you emptied my bucket" when the other one says something mean to them. We also have a contest to try and fill up other people's buckets every day. Honestly, it's a great book if you follow up on the concepts.

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Full-Your-Bucket-Kids/dp/1595620273/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y 

    -cant make it clicky, sorry! 

     

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