Nervous for DH

Pamelacake · May 2013

It's me.. yeah again. lol. DH is meeting with this attorney in the morning.

DH finally opened up to me (after I got a bit angry, cried and told him what if the next time she BM brings them back, it's too late to take them to the hospital), he broke down and told me he was scared to lose. I told him he couldn't lose if he didn't try and he had to take the first steps which I know the whole things is hard and nerve racking, but the first steps are the hardest.

DH told me his way of dealing with things is to pretend they aren't happening or didn't happen and so on. I already knew this but this is a huge deal and CAN Not be ignored!

I spoke with this attorney yesterday on the phone and he wanted to see DH ASAP. The atty spoke with me for a 1/2 hour asking all kinds of questions and asked me if I wanted to adopt SD's. I was floored. I know the atty had spoken to at least one of 6yo SD's counselors before I called as she referred him. While on the phone with her she kept calling me their mom and I replied with stepmom. She said no.. You are their mom. She told me that everybody at the school speaks so highly of me because since I have been in the picture they have excelled with grades, attitudes as well as self esteem. She went on and on about this.

Anyways, I couldn't speak when he first asked me that, then replied with I would love to but being a mom myself, I wouldn't want someone taking my kid from me. He said it sounds like she didn't want to be a mom and it may not be an option of hers anymore.

So back to DH (So sorry for jumping around) I know he is extremely nervous. He said that because he is a guy he will not get anywhere with this and it's a waste of time. I told him that yes, In the court he will be going to, the judge is all for the mother being in the children's lives and will push the BM to do so. I told him that he probably won't walk out of there with what he wants the first time they go to court. He considered that losing, I told him no.. it's not losing.. you keep pushing. Keep trying.

I'm afraid he is going to freeze when it comes to this appointment tomorrow and so I am printing out some of the recorded conversations to send with him along with the recorder(legal in our state) itself and the phone with all of the text messages on it.

My only concern with this attorney is he is young, but he could be a bulldog in the courtroom. I know nothing about him. Tomorrow is the first consultation to go over the different options and I told DH if he didn't like it.. Don't hire him but at the same time I think we need him if at for the very least the Emergency protective order for SD's. B/C DH is set on not sending them if she shows up this weekend and I back him up on this 100% due to what happened the last time SD's saw BM but I don't want him to go to jail for contempt.

So sorry for this being so long. Do you think there is anything else I should send with him. I forgot to add I will also be sending the conclusion from the last time CPS was involved. I know he is freaking out bc he is still outside working. Thanks for listening.

ETA: There is a possibility that neither one of SD's are his. BM only wants a paternity test on one. We have been told that since he is on the birth certificate and has been there since day one that she can't take either SD from him if it turns out they aren't. He just came in and is so scared about that. I'm just trying to be here for him but I have 6 kids to get up with in the morning and have to get to bed. He is way too wound up to sleep so he is cutting metal all night. I wish I could help him more.

Littlejen22 · May 2013

No advice but best of luck. I hope it all goes your way!

Pamelacake · May 2013

Thanks. I Know it won't go my way.. my way would be for BM to want to be involved and be a good influence.

DH just came in and he is freaking out more than I imagined! He said he can't go to bed tonight.. he is way too nervous and scared. So much going on. THere's nothing more I can say to him to convince him that it will turn out ok.

Ilumine · May 2013

Good luck. And you would be surprised about the judge.

When DH divorced BM, he got custody of SD, whom he adopted (yes, this is actually relevant to this story because while did adopt SD, he is not a biological parent, which could have been used against him by the judge) because he could prove he was the better parent for HER (mind you this was also 22 years ago, when it was even more mother-centric) .

And he had even less documented evidence.

So please let your DH know that it can be done.

irishgirl0525 · May 2013

Good luck, I hope all goes well and that your DH is able to find his voice when he needs to. It sounds like there is a lot going on and I'm sure it's stressful for you but it also sounds like things are weighing heavily in his favor.

ambrvan · May 2013

More than a few of us here have been in similar situations. Just tell him that no matter how it ever turns out, SDs' best interests and safety come first, even if a court does not see the danger. I normally do not advocate people defying court, but if it means the safety of a child who cannot otherwise protect themselves, then it is our responsibility to take whatever measures humanly possible and pray for whatever measures not humanly possible.

We have been to court before, and the judge did not see it our way. BM hadto temporary supervised visitation, but it was eventually restores when she maintained 'good behavior'. We have been bluffing BM for three years now. Yes, we both take a huge risk. But the one thing we have agrees on, the one thing I have been able to say to give DH courage when he is beyond scared about how everything will turn out is, 'I would rather the whole world hate us because we tried to keep SD safe than to ever have to explain to her why we did not save her from the pain.and horrors she faced.'

Good luck. The only way you ever fail if you don't try. And then you keep trying. And you do not let your attorney quit until SD is safe. Make sure DH is clear in what is absolutely the only acceptable result from all this and that he will not stop until he gets there. That was our mistake the first time around.

Pamelacake · May 2013

ambrvan:
More than a few of us here have been in similar situations. Just tell him that no matter how it ever turns out, SDs' best interests and safety come first, even if a court does not see the danger. I normally do not advocate people defying court, but if it means the safety of a child who cannot otherwise protect themselves, then it is our responsibility to take whatever measures humanly possible and pray for whatever measures not humanly possible. We have been to court before, and the judge did not see it our way. BM hadto temporary supervised visitation, but it was eventually restores when she maintained 'good behavior'. We have been bluffing BM for three years now. Yes, we both take a huge risk. But the one thing we have agrees on, the one thing I have been able to say to give DH courage when he is beyond scared about how everything will turn out is, 'I would rather the whole world hate us because we tried to keep SD safe than to ever have to explain to her why we did not save her from the pain.and horrors she faced.' Good luck. The only way you ever fail if you don't try. And then you keep trying. And you do not let your attorney quit until SD is safe. Make sure DH is clear in what is absolutely the only acceptable result from all this and that he will not stop until he gets there. That was our mistake the first time around.

wow I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's horrible! But I totally get what you are saying. How do you bluff her for so long? I only need to do it for two more weekends as it stands right now. DH hired the atty and he will be going to CS court with him next month. At that time he is going to show a bit of evidence and ask for supervised visits. The atty did bring up again me adopting the girls but said it was too soon for that. He also said it was very highly unlikely that she will be able to take either of them from him if they aren't biologically his.

I think we are safe for this weekend. BM is already calling(This happens every Thursday before she is to get SD's) to try to change things. BM wants to pick them up almost 4 hours early and stated that she knew DH wouldn't be home from work but knew that I would be home. I'm sorry but she does not make my schedule for me! The freakin nerve!

Pamelacake · May 2013

Ilumine:
Good luck. And you would be surprised about the judge.
When DH divorced BM, he got custody of SD, whom he adopted (yes, this is actually relevant to this story because while did adopt SD, he is not a biological parent, which could have been used against him by the judge) because he could prove he was the better parent for HER (mind you this was also 22 years ago, when it was even more mother-centric) .
And he had even less documented evidence.
So please let your DH know that it can be done.

Oh wow that's awesome! Thank you!

Pamelacake · May 2013

Thank you all and yes, things are weighing heavily in his favor!

DH called me as soon as he was done and gave me a list of things I need to email and fax to the attorney. DH hired him. I asked DH if he felt better after speaking with him. He said he wasn't sure yet, I know he's still terrified.

The attorney will be putting in his appearance letter for CS court, it's in about a month. That is when he will show a bit of evidence, and ask for supervised visits through one of SD's counselors or DH.

The atty also brought up me adopting SDs again but said it was too soon right now but wanted to let DH know it could be an option and wanted to know how he felt about it.

He couldn't put in an emergency protective order because CPS hasn't put anything in yet. Grrr. Oh well.. At least the ball will start rolling soon. I'm so proud of him for taking the first step and from all of the things DH told me he brought up to the attorney, he did well! So proud of him.

BM is already calling, as she does every Thursday to say something's wrong and she can't get them until Saturday or some lame excuse. BM left a VM saying she wants to get them 2 1/2 (had it wrong on my last post) hours early tomorrow stating that she knows DH will be at work still but she knows I will be home.Like she knows or makes my schedule and plans for me. HA! I'm sure I can find something to do. hehee.. I wouldn't be so mean but I know how BM is. BM will do anything to make herself look good by getting SD's (just lately to impress newest boy toy) but will also go to any measures to be at the bar. So I'm sure we will have them here with us at least Friday night. Fingers Crossed!

ambrvan · May 2013

I guess when I say 'bluff'so I really just mean call the shots. YH tells her how it is. And he makes sure it stays that way.

This weekend, for instance, just make arrangements to be elsewhere with the girls during PU time or for the whole weekend. Or send the girls to a friends' or grandparents' place for the weekend.

Be honest but vague. DH should tell her one time, if he hasn't already, that he feels it is unsafe for the girls to be alone with her right now, but she may visit under his supervision with appropriate advanced notice. If I were you, I would not answer any phone calls, emails, texts, etc. I would leave it all to DH right now. One avenue of communication is one less opportunity, if YKWIM.

sprky79 · May 2013

Pamelacake:
It's me.. yeah again. lol. DH is meeting with this attorney in the morning.
DH finally opened up to me (after I got a bit angry, cried and told him what if the next time she BM brings them back, it's too late to take them to the hospital), he broke down and told me he was scared to lose. I told him he couldn't lose if he didn't try and he had to take the first steps which I know the whole things is hard and nerve racking, but the first steps are the hardest.
DH told me his way of dealing with things is to pretend they aren't happening or didn't happen and so on. I already knew this but this is a huge deal and CAN Not be ignored!
I spoke with this attorney yesterday on the phone and he wanted to see DH ASAP. The atty spoke with me for a 1/2 hour asking all kinds of questions and asked me if I wanted to adopt SD's. I was floored. I know the atty had spoken to at least one of 6yo SD's counselors before I called as she referred him. While on the phone with her she kept calling me their mom and I replied with stepmom. She said no.. You are their mom. She told me that everybody at the school speaks so highly of me because since I have been in the picture they have excelled with grades, attitudes as well as self esteem. She went on and on about this.
Anyways, I couldn't speak when he first asked me that, then replied with I would love to but being a mom myself, I wouldn't want someone taking my kid from me. He said it sounds like she didn't want to be a mom and it may not be an option of hers anymore.
So back to DH (So sorry for jumping around) I know he is extremely nervous. He said that because he is a guy he will not get anywhere with this and it's a waste of time. I told him that yes, In the court he will be going to, the judge is all for the mother being in the children's lives and will push the BM to do so. I told him that he probably won't walk out of there with what he wants the first time they go to court. He considered that losing, I told him no.. it's not losing.. you keep pushing. Keep trying.
I'm afraid he is going to freeze when it comes to this appointment tomorrow and so I am printing out some of the recorded conversations to send with him along with the recorder(legal in our state) itself and the phone with all of the text messages on it.
My only concern with this attorney is he is young, but he could be a bulldog in the courtroom. I know nothing about him. Tomorrow is the first consultation to go over the different options and I told DH if he didn't like it.. Don't hire him but at the same time I think we need him if at for the very least the Emergency protective order for SD's. B/C DH is set on not sending them if she shows up this weekend and I back him up on this 100% due to what happened the last time SD's saw BM but I don't want him to go to jail for contempt.
So sorry for this being so long. Do you think there is anything else I should send with him. I forgot to add I will also be sending the conclusion from the last time CPS was involved. I know he is freaking out bc he is still outside working. Thanks for listening.
ETA: There is a possibility that neither one of SD's are his. BM only wants a paternity test on one. We have been told that since he is on the birth certificate and has been there since day one that she can't take either SD from him if it turns out they aren't. He just came in and is so scared about that. I'm just trying to be here for him but I have 6 kids to get up with in the morning and have to get to bed. He is way too wound up to sleep so he is cutting metal all night. I wish I could help him more.

Were they married when the kids were born? If yes, paternity does not matter. He is imputed to be the father.

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