Major WTF: Reconsidering TTC (sorry long post)

mythaldo · May 2013

First a little background: I know I'm not the most regular poster on here lately. DH and I had plans to start TTC in April, but I was offered a huge project at work back in March, so we decided to hold back our plans to see if we wanted to wait or not since the project will take a year or more to finish (also my company on has 20 people; if I'm gone, no one can cover me). Since my boss hinted to me at the end of April that should we choose to start a family, he's willing to offer me part time and a project extension, so DH and I decided to start trying my next cycle. O day was due for yesterday or today, so we officially started TTC on Friday. I wish I could be as happy about it now as we were then.

On Sunday evening, my mother told me that my older sister is pregnant. Normally this would be great news because I love my sister, but it wasn't. As far as we all knew, my sister didn't even have a boyfriend. The bad news is that the father is the teenage son of a friend she met through work. Based on how far along she is, they conceived the week he turned 18. My sister is 31.

I was just gut-punched, but I wasn't surprised. They've been together about a year now according to her (I think it's been longer than that) and the kid apparently wants to marry her. He moved in with her well over a year ago because he fought too much with his mother (she's 36 and has a history of drug problems), so my sister offered to take care of and mentor him. Everyone in my family thought it seemed way too fishy from the beginning, but every time we asked her about it, all we would get was venomous outrage and deny, deny, deny. My sister has always been a notorious liar and obviously has some mental health issues, but nothing so bizarre that I seriously thought she would bang a minor.

If that weren't the only problem, she is drowning in debt, barely living paycheck to paycheck and the teenager has no job (he just graduated high school!). My sister is keeping the baby and claims it will be taken care of without my family's financial assistance, but in the last three years, she's been unemployed three times and defaulted on all of her student loans until her current job had to garnish her wages. My mother and grandmother have had to bail her out financially countless times even when she did have a job. In other words, she has no stability and very little means to take care of this child.

My mother and I are struggling to be happy for her. My mother blew up at first but is doing well to hold her tongue now, but I admittedly got into it with my sister and we nearly burned our bridges. Still, neither of us wants to pull the trigger and say fluck off forever, so we're only civil as long as I don't breath one word of negativity to her.

Now that it's had time to sink in, I'm depressed and conflicted. Nobody knows we're TTC. Both of our families have been hinting that they want us to since we're the first to get married in both families and we've been married over 2 years now. We've been planning on this being the time since we got married and we were so looking forward to starting a family, but now if we do, it will be in the shadow of my sister's drama. She has always been viciously jealous because I got married first, found a great job right out of college and have never had the financial trouble that she has. Now if I gut KU so soon after her, she'll likely be shiity about it forever and say we only did it to steal her thunder. Normally I wouldn't let that bother me, but I'll also have to deal with my family not wanting to act excited for me since they weren't excited for her.

DH told me to forget about her and that he wanted to keep TTC as we planned, so we BDed as scheduled. His family at least will be happy for us, but I still feel down about it instead of happy about it. My mother already had to tell my sister she can't get upset if our children grow up with more than her kids do, and it just messes with my head thinking about how much might sister might hate me if I GP now.

I obviously can't stop it if it happens this month, but I'm wondering if we should TTA after this for a couple of months. I feel like I don't owe my sister that courtesy (in fact I've never been more pissed at her than I am now), but I don't want the drama I'll likely get from her if it happens so close to hers (she is only 9 weeks along). Any thoughts on this? Also, am I not allowed to be angry at her for taking advantage of a teenage boy she was supposed to be mentoring? I know it's none of my business, but REALLY?

krdesi · May 2013

Whoa...that is way too long of a text block...plus it has mumbo jumbo in the beginning.

Eta: And wtf is wrong with your sister!? Eek! And I wouldn't worry about stealing her thunder. She sounds ridiculous!

mythaldo · May 2013

krdesi:
Whoa...that is way too long of a text block...plus it has mumbo jumbo in the beginning.

Ah damn, sorry, trying to fix it. Bear with me. I started writing this on my mobile and tried to switch to my desktop once it became a novel.

Clarinet35 · May 2013

I read it all, and I'm sorry about your situation. Your sister sounds like a real peach.

I wouldn't worry one iota about your sister and her baby when it comes to you and your DH trying for yours. Who cares if she gets pissed off if you do get BFP shortly after her? Just the fact that you are showing consideration for her feelings shows that you are the bigger person in this, and your baby will be raised in a secure home full of love.

Keep your chin up, tell your sister to screw off, and GL trying!

krdesi · May 2013

mythaldo:
krdesi:
Whoa...that is way too long of a text block...plus it has mumbo jumbo in the beginning.
Ah damn, sorry, trying to fix it. Bear with me. I started writing this on my mobile and tried to switch to my desktop once it became a novel.

Thanks Smile Lol and that is quite the horrendous story! But again, I don't think I would put my life on hold because of my sister and her indiscretions.

vikinggirl4 · May 2013

That is a terrible situation, but I think you should get on board with your DH and not let it affect your TTC. Likewise, my DH has an estranged brother right before we got married he decided he didn't want anything to do with us with no explanation and it has and still is very hard to deal with. I don't expect the hurt to ever truly go away. When someone turns life into a competition, we need to ask ourselves, will we play for gold or play for fun? Feed the competition and the drama or live our lives the way we want, and if they don't like it they can sit on the sidelines? It sounds like you have a good support system with your DH and mom, which is wonderful. I really hope it works out for you.

mythaldo · May 2013

It appears to be fixed now on my end. I had to fix it in HTML, so hopefully I didn't delete anything critical and turns into a post within a post like Inception or anything.

Palmtrees09 · May 2013

Wow that's a lot of family drama!! First I have to say that if I had a sister and she did what yours did I would not be thrilled either!!! It's kinda creepy and well... wrong!

That really really sucks that this all happened at the same time you and your DH were starting TTC. I say keep going! Steal her thunder! Some might think I'm cruel, rude whatever but I don't think you should let her stupidity get in the way of you and your DH trying to start a family. This was a decision the two of you made before her drama exploded. Don't let your sister take away your joy and excitement!

Also, how thrilled would your family be for you?? I'm guessing a lot since they've been waiting for you to get KU. If she wants to be mad and jealous let her. You can't change her. Chances are if she's mad if you get KU now, she'll be mad whenever it happens for you!

Good luck!!

Twinkie0612 · May 2013

If you and your husband are ready (emotionally and financially) to have children, then I say go for it. I wouldn't let you sister's possible reaction stop you from doing what you want to do.

mrs_tacos · May 2013

Short reply to a long story: you can't let other people's life situations determine your own life choices. YOu sister has made some really sh!tty decisions, but I don't think you should let her crap have any influence on your own decisions, or steal your joy from your own pregnancy should you conceive soon. It sounds like your letting her situation have too much power over your own emotions and choices. What if after this she makes more bad choices that will make you also feel bad? Do you still put TTC off? The point is, there will always be a reason to wait, but that doesn't mean you should.

Honey127 · May 2013

I would not stop TTC to save your sisters feelings....that seems like it would create the possibility for major resentment and that won't help any relationship.

DLpanda08 · May 2013

Twinkie0612:
If you and your husband are ready (emotionally and financially) to have children, then I say go for it. I wouldn't let you sister's possible reaction stop you from doing what you want to do.

This. Your sister sounds like a real peach who would likely react the same no matter when you have children. Also, not to be negative, but you don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant. This whole issue is moot if it takes you a few months of trying to get KU in the first place.

mythaldo · May 2013

Thanks for all your input so far, everyone. I realize I shouldn't let my sister's actions determine mine. When we got into it the other day, I held back a lot of the nasty things I could have said to her, and she still railed against me with every nasty thing she's every thought about me (even suggesting that I'm probably sterile and I couldn't handle raising a child anyway because I can't handle drama, WTF?) and I seriously thought about cutting her out of my life forever it it meant she couldn't affect my life the way she does anymore.

If it weren't for my Mom and the fact that my Dad cut his whole family out of our lives when I was little, I'd seriously consider it. But I decided I want to be civil. That doesn't mean we have to change our plans, so I think we'll keep the plan going. We would seriously be jumping for joy no matter when it happens, but I hate thinking anyone wouldn't be happy for us when it does. My sister even told me at my wedding that I couldn't GP until she had a steady boyfriend. I guess I should be off the hook now that she does (even if he's not old enough to drink or rent a car, lol).

On a side note, man, Christmases are going to be crazy at my Mom's house now.

mythaldo · May 2013

DLpanda08:
Twinkie0612:
If you and your husband are ready (emotionally and financially) to have children, then I say go for it. I wouldn't let you sister's possible reaction stop you from doing what you want to do.
This. Your sister sounds like a real peach who would likely react the same no matter when you have children. Also, not to be negative, but you don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant. This whole issue is moot if it takes you a few months of trying to get KU in the first place.

DH pointed this out as well. He used to think it would happen right away like all guys do, but I changed his mindset when I read him a lot of the statistics and great things I learned here a while back, but TTC has been effing with my head lately since a few of my friends recently got preggers on the first try.

wifeofafarmer · May 2013

Wow. I don't blame you for being hesitant about GP bc of your sisters situation but at the same time - you have to do whats right for you and YH. With your sisters history it doesn't sound like she's real stable so if you wait on her timing - you might waiting quite awhile. And yes, I'd be angry too - and side eye any family members that were ok with it - if she was supposed to be mentoring him, she was in a position of authority - not cool.

victoria+james · May 2013

Your family will be happy for you, and they won't have to fake it! Many of my friends are having babies under far less than ideal circumstances and their families are constantly having to say things like "I'm sure it will all work out" and "All a baby needs is love"... referring to lack of finances... But for those that sorted their lives out pre baby, their families don't have to make up excuses and bend the truth to put a good spin on a bad situation. They are genuinely happy for them!

Don't worry about your sister. Chances are if she has a negative reaction, she would have done the same even if she wasn't KU.

ETA: bump ate my punctuation.

chocoroom · May 2013

Wow... that's quite a situation...

I totally understand why you would consider TTA. I personally would not alter my plans in this case. Like another poster said, if you tried timing your life based on your sister, you may be waiting a long time before moving forward.

iverske9 · May 2013

Do not let your dysfunctional sister stop any of your life plans!!! You deserve happiness and should not hold off for her

magpie87 · May 2013

If you and your H are ready to start now, then don't let your sister's drama stop you. It sounds like you and your H have had your TTC plans and timeline set for a while now [well before any of your sister's life craziness was happening] so I don't see anything wrong with you sticking to your plan. GL!

short_meli · May 2013

Twinkie0612:
If you and your husband are ready (emotionally and financially) to have children, then I say go for it. I wouldn't let you sister's possible reaction stop you from doing what you want to do.

This!
I agree with PP that you've definitely proven you're the bigger person already by even considering her feelings in the first place and that what she's done is just wrong.
Good luck!

RunCC37 · May 2013

Wow. That's a ridiculous situation and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family.

Like most of the PP, I absolutely would not allow someone else's drama to dictate my life plans. You need to do what is good for you and your husband. Your sister is incredibly immature and her reaction will probably be dramatic regardless of when the news comes.

elektragreen · May 2013

It sounds like you have the same relationship with your sister that I have with mine. My sister even had a baby with a barely legal boy when she was 29. I wouldn't delay your plans to spare your sister's feelings. I know she wouldn't do the same for you.

Tally06 · May 2013

I wouldn't put my TTC plans on hold. If I were to get pregnant this cycle me and my sister's child would only be a couple of months apart as well. I don't see the problem with this.

I understand that your sister is more challenging but that still wouldn't stop me. You aren't stealing her thunder. She will get over it.

There is no rule (even an unwritten one) that says that only one family member at a time can be pregnant. That is just nuts!

I am sorry that you are dealing with this though. I cannot even begin to imagine. Your parents must be a wreck.

mythaldo · May 2013

BayleighPaws:
I am so sorry! This sounds like a shiit storm of crazy. I'd send hugs, but I'm super awkward and my hugs are really kind of creepy.

I appreciate even creepy hugs on this one. It still feels pretty unreal.

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Major WTF: Reconsidering TTC (sorry long post)

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