- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
rebeccagarnes
member
SS and porn on his phone?
rebeccagarnes
member
New to the board! I usually dont' post anywhere but this time I have no idea on how to handle our situation. My SS is 13 and my DH has primary custody. He's been a pretty good kid until the last 6 months when he started hanging out with a couple of different kids. He's been more disrespectful and has let his grades slip. I found out yesterday that he has his own FB page- after he was repeatedly told no, he couldn't have one. Also found that he had posted a picture of himself in his boxers 
He also had a couple of friends who constantly posted sexually explict messages and had questionable pictures. So BM took his phone away when he got home from school and went through it. She found videos of not only porn- but hardcore! All of us are shocked! She's not very technically savvy so we were asking her if that was somethign that was sent to him or if he downloaded it himself. She didn't know. He's only 13 and is watching hardcore! I feel so very sad that he has witnessed somethign like that. When my DH asked him why he had that, my SS replied, "cuz i was curious." Maybe but you don't keep hardcore videos on your phone. He will be at our house tonight and there will be a very serious conversation about all of this. He also had videos on his phone that he took of him and his friends trying to burn pictures on the wall of somebody's house. WTH? How do we even begin to punish him? His phone has been taken away and will be replaced with a dumbphone- no texts, no internet, no camera. So sad for the world my kids are growning up in. And what if my DS who is 3- had picked up SS's phone and seen the hardcore stuff?? oh i'm going to be sick. How woudl you ladies handle this??
TIA
He also had a couple of friends who constantly posted sexually explict messages and had questionable pictures. So BM took his phone away when he got home from school and went through it. She found videos of not only porn- but hardcore! All of us are shocked! She's not very technically savvy so we were asking her if that was somethign that was sent to him or if he downloaded it himself. She didn't know. He's only 13 and is watching hardcore! I feel so very sad that he has witnessed somethign like that. When my DH asked him why he had that, my SS replied, "cuz i was curious." Maybe but you don't keep hardcore videos on your phone. He will be at our house tonight and there will be a very serious conversation about all of this. He also had videos on his phone that he took of him and his friends trying to burn pictures on the wall of somebody's house. WTH? How do we even begin to punish him? His phone has been taken away and will be replaced with a dumbphone- no texts, no internet, no camera. So sad for the world my kids are growning up in. And what if my DS who is 3- had picked up SS's phone and seen the hardcore stuff?? oh i'm going to be sick. How woudl you ladies handle this??
TIA This discussion has been closed.
Re: SS and porn on his phone?
Oh good job on the old, janky phone. If you can't be trusted with technology, you can't have technology.
Also, he needs new friends. He doesn't get to go out, hang out or be out of your sight for a good long while. His friends can come over but quite frankly, he'd be limited in who he can spend time with.
Has he ever been in counseling? His low level of give a fuuk is concerning to me.
Click me, click me!
Crazy. My SS is 13 and he just got caught with the same thing earlier this month.
A few weeks ago my SS spent the night at my MIL's. She let him bring her iPad to our house without telling ( a whole other story) us and when it we found that he was watching hard core porn. He is grounded to his room with nothing for a month. He got in trouble with his cell phone earlier this year and he still hasn't gotten it back. He probably won't until the new school year. The phone will not have Internet.
Your DH also needs to have a talk about sex with him. He is old enough to have all the basic information but should be told about consequences and what is appropriate versus inappropriate. I think for a 13 year old it is normal to be curious and want to look at porn. However, I think that you need to tell him the ramifications of his actions. If he used your family computer to look up teenage girls, since he is a teenager, it would still be considered child pornography and you and DH could be in trouble. I wouldnt say anything about how your 3 year old could've seen it but just focus on what is acceptable and what isnt. He also needs to be told about teen pregnancy, STDs and healthy relationships. Finally, I think the part about the kids ripping stuff off the walls is the most disturbing because it shows a lack of respect for other people and the lack of ramifications of consequences. Obviously teenagers don't think long term but you are going to have to point out that those choices he is making can effect the trajectory of his life.
Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes!
My DS is 13 as well and the only phone he gets is a dumbed down phone that does calls and texts. I also have smart limits on it so I can restrict who he contacts and when, how much data (if he had a smartphone) etc. I pay $5 a month for that reassurance. The only reason he has a phone is because we don't have a house phone and I am paranoid that if something happens when I go shopping or something, he will have no way to contact me. I'm also paranoid about him being kidnapped and it would help to track his movements in such an event. Overprotective? Maybe, but I feel that he is safer.
Anyway, DS did get caught trying to look at porn on his iPod touch. Parental controls galore went up on that sucker too. He can't use it for internet or youtube. I have the password, so he can't download apps or songs without my inputting it.
As far as FB goes, I thought it would be best to head that off on his 13th bday by opening one with him. I was afraid that he would just open one while at a friends house and then I would have no visibility to it. I have his password for that too. He was forced to friend me, my husband and other family that will watch his behaviors. If he tries changing the password or delete us, I lock his account up. To him, its not private, so all he does it play games. It's not fun when mom is watching your every move. LOL
The friends thing is hard. You can't really control who he becomes friends with, but you can control how he is friends with them. My DS has some annoying friends. (aren't all 13 years annoying?) I handle it by making them hang out in my home or go to activities that I will be present at. Oversight is necessary and not what I want to do, but it forces them all to behave and hopefully teaches these other kids a little bit of right from wrong.
Believe it or not, my SS 12 adores me for this attitude. BM is very standoffish with him. She doesn't really want him around is how he feels. So he is allowed his kindle in his bedroom alone with no supervision. At first, my SS thought that what I was doing with DS was controlling, but after talking to DH, SS felt that I was showing my DS how much I love him by curbing bad behaviors this way. I am in no way, shape, or form an excellent parent and this whole thing is a learning process, but these things are working out okay for us. Hope I could help a little. And if anyone else has any tips on raising teenagers, I could really use it too!
Lavender makes some excellent points as well. If DH hasn't had a talk about sex, it's time to do that. Porn will give him unrealistic expectations of what sex is as well. Nip that in the bud now.
Also, in general, I tell my DS that he is a role model to SS, SD, and LO. He needs to watch his behaviors and be a good example to them. For him, it works most of the time. I know it might not be that way for all kids though.
When I caught my 12 yr old adoptive son viewing porn on our home computer we locked down all technology tight. Naturally boys are curious and I think this is very normal. However, times have changed and the internet provides a slew of "hard core" options that were not easily available in the past.
My DH laughed when it happened, and had a total "that's my boy" kind of reaction. However, I was concerned about the "dark side" of the internet. Our only computer is locked in our bedroom with kid controls (no wi fi). The only phone they have is a GO phone with zero internet access. Their iPods have parental controls so they cannot access the internet through those.
The only time our sons can access the internet is under our supervision at home, at their grandparents or at school. Now this does not include their friends homes or their friends phones. It is impossible to monitor them 24/7. At the very least this limits the exposure and makes it harder to access on a regular basis.
We did not over react. We told him we were disappointed and that it was inappropriate. We also had a long talk about women as objects, sexual & porn addiction and how we hoped he would avoid these things as it leads down the wrong path. We talked about the differences between the virtual world and the real world. We want you have IRL experiences...you get the idea.
OP, he is 13 years old. He is swimming in hormones with access to porn, encouragement from his friends, and is making a bad decision - mostly because he prob thought you wouldn't find out. Instead of over reacting, educate him as why it is bad choice. Kids are way over exposed these days to sexual content via TV, advertisements, the internet, etc. I wouldn't say this is entirely his fault. You gave him access and then expected him to use it responsibly. Not likely at 13yrs in my opinion. There are examples since the beginning of time, eve and the apple, pandora's box, etc.
I wish you luck!
Thanks ladies! Yah they have had the talk about sex at least. DH did explain to him yesterday that sex is not like what he's watching and that's not what two people who love each do. I fear that he will grow into a man that doesn't respect women and treats them like trash. His one new buddy was posting stuff like- all women are just B**** and to treat them as such. SS is not allowed to be hanging with this kid anymore- as much as we can control it anyway. He's damn lucky we found this crap on his phone and not a teacher. We've never done counseling but I'm wondering if we are coming to this point. He was grounded in Jan for a month after piercing his own ear after he was told he couldn't. He's been disrespectful to every adult in both households. Each time my DH talks to him and tells him don't do it again. Unfortunatlely, my DH has had a blind trust with him- basically lets him do whatever and come home whenever. I've told him you can't do that- he is ONLY 13. But anytime I bring up something that SS is doing wrong, then I"m jsut the mean ol stepmom.
Is this a cry for attention? We have a 3yo and a 10mon old baby in our house- his mom has a baby and a 2yr old. So there is a lot of attention focused on the babies- but SS is also never home either. We ask him to come with us- but he wants to go to so and so's house.
You are all the parents. It is not a matter of asking him to go places with you but telling him he is going places with you. It's hard to remember when dealing with a grumpy 13 year old.
It sounds like he feels a little left out in both households. Therapy might be a good idea. Kinda duh, but has DH, BM, you, and other parental roles tried having time with just him. My DH takes DS paintballing, airsofting, etc without anyone else around. I take him to all kinds of school events alone, etc. When we do these things, they are one on one time and no other family member is involved in activities that he loves. (We would try to do the same with SS and SD, but CO doesn't make that easy.) We plan to continue activities like these as often as feasible when our LO comes along.
Great response, but why did you need to preface son with "adoptive". Does it change the situation if he were your biological son??
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
No, and it wouldn't matter if they were my DS or SS either. Everyone differentiates on this board DS, DD, SS SD, exSD, I mean really, is my saying adoptive son AD such an issue vs. the points and experience I was trying to relate to OP?
You have to love 13 year olds. We just found 1/2 naked pix of one of SSs friends on his phone. After an uncomfortable call to let her mom know and asking her to check her DDs phone to see if SS sent pix back he now has a dumb phone till who knows when.
It sounds like you guys are doing the right thing. 13 is such a weird between age when they are getting more independence but still very much a young child. I would like to include when your DH has the sex talk to include masterbation. It maybe a weird convo to have but we thought it was important. SS is a walking hormorne and I would rather him take care of it himself in privacy then with another person. We also wanted to make sure his privacy was protected because I can't imagine how the situation would go if one of his sisters walked in on him.
I will preface with the fact that I am a lurker on this board. I am a single parent who anticipates moving into a blended situation at some time and I have learned a lot from those on this board.
As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, yes it matters! He is your son. Period. It makes sense to differentiate a SS or a SD because you are not legally responsible for that child (in most cases). There are others who are responsible for them and you just do the best that you can. When discussing situations it helps to understand that the parent, not the step-parent should be taking primary responsibility for that child. This is not the case in your situation.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
Yikes. I recall hearing a lot of stories from people born in the 60's and 70's of finding playboys or porn magazines when they were kids and hiding them. So I'm not sure if what they are doing on the internet is that different from what was has been done for decades.
Is there a way to block sites? I've never tried but I'm assuming my work has that sort of capability to block any sites that contain certain words or content?
Don't have a lot of advice for you but I have to tell you I feel for you...My son is only 3 so I have a few years to go before I have to worry about stuff like that. My nephew is 12 though and his mom just got him a brand new galaxy s4. I bet she isn't aware of this kind of thing happening. Wonder if I should warn her?
Ugh...it's so frustrating what our kids have access to these days. It's so easy to pull up this junk. And sometimes kids are much more tech-savvy than their parents, so it's easier to get away with it for longer.
But, I'm glad you guys were able to catch your SS. And I'm not sure how long you think your he may have been viewing the porn? But, if it seems like it might be bordering on an addiction, you may want to get a counselor's take on how to handle this issue.
Additionally, if you're not doing this already, it would probably be a good idea to check into some filtering programs for your SS's phone. I think NetNanny might have something available like that.
Lastly, if you're looking for any material on this topic, I've heard of a book called Protecting Your Child in an X-Rated World by Frank York and Jan LaRue that might be helpful. Maybe you could find it online or at the library? Just a thought.
Well, my prayers will be with you guys as you deal with this. Hang in there!
^^^ This. I did this and I was a girl for pete's sake. I'd go over safe internet usage with him for sure though and make sure he understands, as much as any 13 year old possibly could, that what you put online can be seen by anyone and could be there forever. I would just put parental controls on everything if you don't want him using your computer for this, but he will surely see it anyway.