- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
sld5711
member
Wait or take action that is the question!
sld5711
member
So BM dropped a bomb on us the other day...she is getting laid off at the end of June. She has said this before with saying she is getting laid off and then months later she still has a job but this time I think it?s the truth. Also I don?t mean that as negatively as it may sound because I honestly think she thought she was getting laid off and then some kind of funding became available and her company was able to keep her position. Anyways that?s not really important but I didn?t want to seem like I was bashing BM. So my question is, she told us that she has enough leave to get her through the rest of the summer that they have to pay her and also that she has already been on 2 interviews. We are currently a 50/50 split so no one pays child support (we are the CP). Also she made a comment that before getting laid off, her job was just going to have her work from home, and because of that she wanted to talk to us about the arrangement we currently have. She ended the sentence with that but I honestly think she was insinuating that maybe SD should live with her more because then we wouldn?t have to pay for daycare anymore because she would be home and able to get her off to school and be there for after too. This is of course me just assuming here.
So what should we do to prepare for what may possibly come (her taking us back to court for child support, her even moving back home with her parents in another state, ect.)? Should we call an attorney on just the possibility of what could happen or should we just wait until things actually happen?
On a side note I have very mixed feelings about all of this because I have very mixed feelings about their CO. Also SD has been saying things lately that don?t help my mixed feelings (I wish I was at my mommy?s house as much as I was here (she is but she is 5 and time is not relative) or I can?t wait until Friday to go see my mommy). It honestly breaks my heart that she says these things because even though she did some shady things 4.5 years ago I think she has really grown up and is a great mom to SD. I know I am supposed to be behind my DH 100% but it?s so hard when I put myself in BMs shoes and even SDs shoes and remember when I was that young how my mom was my best friend. I am sorry I started rambling but I just wanted to get as much out there as possible so I could get the best advice possible. TIA ladies!
BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11
BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12
BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wait or take action that is the question!
My current situation is a lot different from yours but we waited until the last minute to get an attorney, we really should have had one long ago. I think it's best that you go ahead and get one so she can't be shady and get one behind your back.. you said there was a possibility that she move out of state with family. What if she decides she wants to take SD with her. I think you should have an attorney ready.
I only wish I would have listened to my own advice months ago. GL!
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Is your concern that she will move too far away to continue the present shared residential custody arrangement, and therefore seek full custody and child support?
Or that because she doesn't have a job, and will be unable to support herself, you and your husband want to go back to court and seek full custody and child support from her?
Or is it just that she's a deadbeat in general and you're frustrated and wondering when she's going to stop being a deadbeat?
I think if it's either of the first two scenarios, you should talk to your husband about what he really wants, what the both of you want, and what's best for your family. Once you've got that figured out, seek legal advice on the next steps.
If it's the last scenario, there's nothing much you can do. She's either going to get her act together or she's not. And you don't have any control whatsoever over either of those options. It sucks, but that's the reality of the situation.
Good luck to you.
Kid of divorce chiming in.
Don't consider changing the 50-50 arrangement just because she has moments of missing Mommy, she likely has similar missing Daddy moments with her Mom. She will also outgrow this and it'll be harder to go back to this arrangement if you gave it up voluntarily,
and having equal time with both of them if possible is ultimately going to be good for her and help her have strong relationships with both of them.
what kind of contact do you have with BM when she's with you? Can/do y'all Skype can you have her make a card/picture to give mommy when she misses her, etc.
there's lots y'all can do to help her through this phase without giving up time.
as for the rest of it contact a lawyer for a consult to see what they think once you and your H have figured out what your ideal outcome is.
I am not really sure what my concerns are, if that makes sense. When this happened last time she mentioned going back home where her family lives and trying to get established there. That conversation did not go well at all with my DH and then she didn?t lose her job so nothing more came of it. So I am not exactly sure if that?s even a consideration to her again this time or what exactly is going on in her mind.
I guess I just don?t know what to think because she is a great mom but all of the what ifs have me completely torn. When my SD is with her she is seriously on cloud 9 and is a completely different happy kid. I am not saying she isn?t happy when she is with us but it?s just different. I most certainly don?t want her to take my SD away from my DH because that would crush him but I also want SD to be happy and have a fulfilling life.
I just feel like my gut is saying start talking to DH and tell him to prepare for the worst and we get an attorney so we aren?t caught off guard but then my head is saying I am thinking too much of this and it will all work out and whatever happens it will be the best for my SD. I don?t know I am just so confused on how to handle this. I feel like my gut is overacting and is thinking the worse from my DH perspective instead of thinking what?s the best for SD. Does any of this make sense because I feel like I am confusing myself even more with all the thoughts running through my head right now
This has been an issue with both my DH and her mom. Neither of them contact her when she isnt with them. It honestly drives me crazy and I have mentioned it to my DH but I honestly think it goes through one ear and out the other.
I also talk to her about her mommy when she brings her up and we do little projects (drawlings, painting, ect.) for her to take to her moms when she goes back there. Also if she wants to ever call her mom I make sure we make every possible effort to get ahold of her so she can talk to her. I know its normal behavior but it still breaks my heart to know she is missing either of them.
You could call a lawyer but I guess I'm wondering what you would tell one. So many things are up in the air. She may not get fired. She may find a job soon after, etc. If I'm your husband though, I'm asking her some pointed questions and not just waiting for *** to fall into your lap. He needs to figure out what she's thinking, what she's planning.
As to the rest, where she prefers, etc, I wouldn't worry about. My kids like my husband better than they like me. They are happier hanging out with him though they are obviously happy hanging with me too. It's just different. That's not a BF problem. It's a family reality, kind of how grandma's house is just better that mommy and daddy's. Doesn't mean you get to live there.
Click me, click me!
Click me, click me!
Maybe at this point there's nothing to actually do except talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Spell it all out like you've done here. I think you'd feel alot better about the situation if you knew that the two of you were on the same page about the situation itself, and began to explore your options together.
If I were in your shoes, I would be interviewing lawyers and paying a retainer for the "just in case" scenario. Tell them that you have concerns about a potential change to the custody agreement and the approximate timing. This way you've got a lawyer to that if BM files, you're ready to respond quickly. If nothing comes of it, you can always get your retainer back (minus maybe an hour for the interview/discussion).
As for the insinuation about SD living with BM more to reduce daycare, I can see how that would stress you out. It sort of implies that she doesn't intend to be working. Even if she has leave available, a new job may ask her to start sooner. But, it may not be a bad idea to look into SD staying with BM during the day over the summer. Legally, only the nights "count" when dividing out custody. If it saves you both money over the summer, it might be worth it.
You said that you have mixed feelings about the CO. Does your H share your concerns? If so, it may be best to get these issues ironed out before SD is in school. It might not be a bad idea to address school vacations, which district to register in, etc all at once and get an iron-clad CO. That would help your case if she tries to move in the fall.
What about after dinner (or at a time you r reasonably sure to reach BM) pull your DH aside and say why don't you have SD call her mom real quick so she can say hi/good night. Maybe if he starts having her call BM will feel like she needs to or SD may start asking to call her Dad since she gets to call BM while at Dad's.
i know it's not your responsibility but maybe a little nudge like that will start the habit.
It may be something to talk to yourDH about if he'd like to have mandatory phone calls/Skype with the non-parenting time parent to the CO if y'all go back to court.
put it in terms of what he'll gain, more contact with his daughter and that it'll make it easier for her to transition if she has consistent contact with the parent she's not with.
My mixed feelings are just as Mel said I do feel like she should be with her mom more . Not because I dont love her but because I love her so much it breaks my heart that she isnt with her mom and she isnt that happy child like she is when she is with her mom. A few weeks ago I happened to be driving by them when they were walking somewhere in the town we all live in and I got to witness first hand this completely different little girl. She had a glow about her and looked as happy as a 5 year old could get. I will admit though that I think my feelings have changed recently because I just had my first child (hormones are still crazy) and now I think my views might be cloudy because I am thinking about this on a super personal level. But I agree I dont see her at her moms all the time and I am sure she tells her mom how much she misses being at our house, its what kids do. I also agree that that specific issue is just a family issue not a BF issue.
I am going to talk it out with my husband tonight about all the what ifs and seeing what he thinks. I think its a good idea to get an attorney on retainer just to be prepared and also to talk about the what ifs with him.
What about after dinner (or at a time you r reasonably sure to reach BM) pull your DH aside and say why don't you have SD call her mom real quick so she can say hi/good night. Maybe if he starts having her call BM will feel like she needs to or SD may start asking to call her Dad since she gets to call BM while at Dad's.
i know it's not your responsibility but maybe a little nudge like that will start the habit.
It may be something to talk to yourDH about if he'd like to have mandatory phone calls/Skype with the non-parenting time parent to the CO if y'all go back to court.
put it in terms of what he'll gain, more contact with his daughter and that it'll make it easier for her to transition if she has consistent contact with the parent she's not with.
These are all great ideas and I think way better than my previous approaches! I am going to mention this to him casually and maybe I can get him and BM making more of an effort when it comes to calling!
I was also goign to suggest maybe even having them both do a wednesday dinner during each other weeks with SD so that she doesnt go a whole 7 days away because I think that might help with missing each of them. But I dont want to come off as that pushy SM because I have come off as that before and that is why I have taken some steps back because my pushiness was not getting us anywhere except causing fights between me and DH.