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Preemies
Empty Belly, Empty Arms
I just wanted to share this as I know you ladies would understand this more than anyone. It's been so hard these past few weeks accepting our new reality and when I can't sleep, I write a few lines of what I'm thinking...
This isn't what we planned.
I'm supposed to have two babies still warm and comfortable in my belly.
I wouldn't be comfortable, but I would take any amount of discomfort or pain to keep them safe.
What happened?
They were only 25 weeks and not ready to enter this cold world.
I can't believe my body failed me, failed them so badly.
The birth of your children should be a beautiful and wonderful experience.
Ours was none of that. It was traumatizing.
I didn't want to push. I didn't want to see them because I knew they weren't ready.
The "what ifs" keep me awake at night.
What if I had done this or hadn't done that? Would they still be ok?
Regardless of how I replay that day or the week leading up to their birth, it doesn't put them back in my belly.
I'm supposed to have two babies. All of my dreams and pictures of my life since we found out we were having twins has revolved around the two of them.
The crushing blow of knowing those dreams of two no longer exist will continue to break my heart.
We are beyond grateful to have one miracle baby still with us, but neither Heaven nor the NICU eases our empty arms.
Our house is still filled with reminders of our excitement for their much later arrival.
The clothes, the cards all take me to a time where we were blissfully ignorant...thinking things would be ok.
I have a closet full of maternity clothes that I never got to wear.
It wasn't supposed to be over this soon.
What happened?
I was going to have a baby girl to play dress up with and have tea parties and clumsily try braid her long, dark hair.
I can't believe she came and went so fast.
She was so tiny.
My heart sunk when we finally heard their birth weights. She wasn't even a pound.
She was perfect, though.
I miss her every day.
I miss him every day. Even though I spend my days and evenings with him, waking up every few hours to feed a machine is not the same as waking up to comfort a crying baby.
Whose life is this?
I feel like I'm writing someone else's story.
This isn't what we planned.
I'm supposed to have two babies still warm and comfortable in my belly.
I wouldn't be comfortable, but I would take any amount of discomfort or pain to keep them safe.
What happened?
They were only 25 weeks and not ready to enter this cold world.
I can't believe my body failed me, failed them so badly.
The birth of your children should be a beautiful and wonderful experience.
Ours was none of that. It was traumatizing.
I didn't want to push. I didn't want to see them because I knew they weren't ready.
The "what ifs" keep me awake at night.
What if I had done this or hadn't done that? Would they still be ok?
Regardless of how I replay that day or the week leading up to their birth, it doesn't put them back in my belly.
I'm supposed to have two babies. All of my dreams and pictures of my life since we found out we were having twins has revolved around the two of them.
The crushing blow of knowing those dreams of two no longer exist will continue to break my heart.
We are beyond grateful to have one miracle baby still with us, but neither Heaven nor the NICU eases our empty arms.
Our house is still filled with reminders of our excitement for their much later arrival.
The clothes, the cards all take me to a time where we were blissfully ignorant...thinking things would be ok.
I have a closet full of maternity clothes that I never got to wear.
It wasn't supposed to be over this soon.
What happened?
I was going to have a baby girl to play dress up with and have tea parties and clumsily try braid her long, dark hair.
I can't believe she came and went so fast.
She was so tiny.
My heart sunk when we finally heard their birth weights. She wasn't even a pound.
She was perfect, though.
I miss her every day.
I miss him every day. Even though I spend my days and evenings with him, waking up every few hours to feed a machine is not the same as waking up to comfort a crying baby.
Whose life is this?
I feel like I'm writing someone else's story.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Empty Belly, Empty Arms
Dx: balanced translocation and LPD
TTC since Oct 2011
BPF 02/19/12, EDD 10/31/12, natural m/c 02/28/12 (4w6d)
IVF (BCPs starting 10/30/12, ER 11/18/12, 5dt of 1 beautiful, healthy embryo 11/23/12)
BFP 12/02/12, u/s @ 6w,5d showed 2 HBs! Identical twins!!
Bed rest from 21w-35w due to short cervix, hospital bed rest from 23w-32w due to PTL
Our rainbows were born 07/19/13 (36w, 5d)
Big hugs to you. You're not alone.
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929