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Bio parents?

buggerfly12buggerfly12
in Adoption
So this isn't exactly adoption-related, but it does have to do with bio parents and I just want to hear some perspective from someone else. When DH was stationed overseas (when we weren't together), he and a friend of his... Well, got closer than planned. When she found out she was pregnant a while later she did not know who was the bio father. DH and I were under the impression that she determined paternity. Well, he's been talking to her lately and found out that actually she never did -- and doesn't want to. I get that she and her husband are Mom and Dad; we're not interested in ripping apart the family or forcing some custody agreement on them (though we'd be open to a mutually agreeable custody arrangement if all parents involved think it would be a good idea). At the same time, DH wants to know and we strongly believe that the LO has the right to know where she comes from biologically. If the mom flatly refuses, WWYD? My biggest concerns are medical info and just when she's older and really curious.. What if by the time she's 18 she isn't able to track down her bio father? If it's my DH, then we can figure out what to do and work with the parents on how to go about telling LO all of it... And if it's not, DH can get it off his shoulders and she will have less searching to do if she chooses to. Can/should we take this to court if Mom won't willingly do it? Of course this is a decision DH and I have to make (mostly him), but outside advice would be nice.
~Julie image Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
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Re: Bio parents?

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    I understand him wanting to know, but I'm looking at this from the mom's perspective. Things are good with her husband (I'm assuming), it's possible he's the bio father, and maybe there are enough similarities that they assume it's true. She fears that a paternity test will name your H and she'll have to deal with the emotional, legal, and family dynamic issues that would be brought up.

    I would just assume your H isn't the bio father and move on. Just my 2c.

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  • kitara64kitara64 member

    From my perspective, I think the child and your husband deserves to know...especially for health history and all that.  Maybe ask the mother her reasons for not wanting to find out the paternity and explain your stance on the subject.  I am sure that her biggest reason is that she is afraid of what it would do to her relationship with her husband and custody issues. I can see why the other ladies say to move on for the sake of the family they have created and the comfort of the child and what the child knows to be his/her father.  I personally would have a DNA test done on the basis that I would not interfere with the upbringing of the child unless there is adequate concern to do so.

    Here is the deal on legal issues.  In KS, if the father has not participated in the care of the child and has not been a part of the childs life for a certain amount of time and he knew the child existed and did not pursue...it is abandonment and he has no parental rights.  Now, I don't know if your situation would be different because of the circumstances.  Also, I believe if the current DH has stated that the child is his and takes care of it, then legally he is the father.  I am not sure on that but I think that is what I remember from a friend going through a similar situation.

     Again, I don't know the age of the child or anything.  In general, I think the older the child is, the harder it is going to be for them to accept any changes in family dynamic.  Even at a young age, changes can really effect them...and that is why I say a DNA test just for knowledge and not for custody or visitation.  It really sucks for you guys that you are in this position and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

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  • KirstybabyKirstybaby member
    Wow, that's a toughie!  Whatever the answer is, it could potentially alter a lot of lives--especially the child's. 
    I'm a dance studio owner, writer, cat mommy, and adventuress who is married to the man of her dreams. My husband and I have had a long-time dream to adopt and it's happening in a way that we didn't quite anticipate. But, like any move of God, it's turning out way better than we expected. We'd love for you to follow our story at www.kirstenkline.com!
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  • buggerfly12buggerfly12
    imagefredalina:
    I would consult a family law attorney, but I would probably drop it, maybe after writing a letter with as much medical info as DH has, contact info, and why he isn't pursuing anything, as in she has a good life and he doesn't want to make it worse. Then mom can give it to her if she ever finds out or figures it out.

    I like the letter idea, thanks. They know the dad is not the bio dad; he came into the picture after LO was born. That's why I don't really get why Mom still doesn't want to know. There are some medical issues in my H's family that could be an issue and that has been my biggest concern. My husband... Just wants to know. It is on his mind a lot and he just wants an answer.
    ~Julie image Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
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  • CourtimilkCourtimilk member

    imagefredalina:
    I would consult a family law attorney, but I would probably drop it, maybe after writing a letter with as much medical info as DH has, contact info, and why he isn't pursuing anything, as in she has a good life and he doesn't want to make it worse. Then mom can give it to her if she ever finds out or figures it out.

    Especially the bolded. But I'd just hand the note to the mother and leave it at that. 

    "What are you having?" "Well the radiologist says its a healthy little human baby. I'm a little disappointed, because I really wanted a puppy." LOL
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  • MayDayGirlMayDayGirl member
    I absolutely think at least your husband has a right to know! Why she would deny him is beyond me.
    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Pregnancy Ticker Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers image
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