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Blended Families
Sunday924
member
If you have a good relationship....
Sunday924
member
With your ex how did it end? Good? Bad? He left? You left him?
And SM's whose DH has a good relationship with BM same question.
I just wonder if it matters. I don't think BM and DH will ever have a good relationship because I think she was very hurt and she won't get over it. There relationship ended similar to dimonds. They never speak on the phone but he called her about the glasses and she wanted to talk about everything but glasses. She was trying to talk about when they lived together, when they broke up, she is happy he moved on and he is happy, and that she would be ok never seeing him again. It's been SIX years. She even has a H and and another child but she still wants to bring these things up. Last year when she called CPS the CPS worked told H that BM was telling her how I'm the one he left her for and stuff that wasn't even relevant. The CPS worker thought it was very odd.
I just wonder if there is any hope or if BM is really just BCS.
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Re: If you have a good relationship....
Things ended horribly and things were horrible for awhile, but now we have a fairly decent BF relationship - we pretty much get along all the time, although he still does things that drive me crazy. I have just learned not to let it get to me, and just vent to this board if need be haha.
Ex and I ended...well we just ended. It was a terrible relationship anyway and he was a jerk to me with a bad temper. He woukd drink away his paychecks and buy pot and smoke it wherever and whenever. Then the messages from new girlfriends came in and thats how we ended. Still im not mad about how we ended but im sure he is upset as every year he has a moment of clarity where suddenly im not a bad person im not a terrible mom he hates his girlfriend and wants to get back together. The rest of the year he just wants to fight. Its exhasting co parenting with him
In my opinion (compiled from the various posts here and on other blended family sites I peruse), the divorce relationship (DR) is based on how the divorce went down.
1) if you marry a crazy lady or self-centered jerk, your divorce will be fraught with crazy or self-centeredness. So why would you think that after you are separated your ex's crazy or self-centeredness will go away?
2) if you cheat on your partner, thus breaking one of the most critical commitments one has chosen to make, you open yourself up to a lifetime of repercussions from your ex partner. There will always be a lack of trust, a sting of hurt and karma biting you in the .
Because EVEN IF your love was gone for your partner or there were other issues within the marriage, YOU (the cheater) was too selfish, self-centered, lazy, or chicken to deal with the marriage before you slept with someone else.
3) If YOU did not put forth any effort or fight for your children at the tail end of the marriage or during the divorce proceedings, you have created a precedent AND habits that will continue on into the DR and blended family.
etc....
Basically, NO RELATIONSHIP LIVES IN A VACUUM and while I do see people ramping up their <insert bad behavior> days, months and even years down the line, you have to remember that your actions or even reactions have played a part.
It was terrible. About as bad as it can be. Ex wasn't even allowed to see DS for the first year. Over time, things have gotten better. He has regrets. His relationship with DS will never be what it could have been...or maybe it couldn't have been because of who he is.
We work together. We compromise. Our court order is minimal which is what is best for DS. I love his new wife. We are close. That helps.
I want to say that when DH's EX was always like the Narcissistic woman she is today. He knew what she was like before he married her, so my sympathy for his predicament is slim.
Then when she left him, he rolled over and showed his belly; trying to win her back. The when they went through the divorce; he did not fight because he "thought it would hurt the kids".
And then every time she forced a confrontation over parts of the CO (stealing the kids inheritance, driving half way for exchanges, etc) he gave in.
So now when he bitches about her actions or complains that he is not going to be the bigger person anymore, I pretty much tell him to take it to his mommy because I am not going to listen to it.
XH and I are civil, but I loathe him. I hide it well--I think, lol!
He had an affair that ended our marriage, but neither of us were happy and I truly do not hold that against him. Objectively, I think the way he handled it makes him a coward and a liar. But what I'm saying is that it doesn't hurt me anymore. It hasn't for a long time. He did me a HUGE favor pulling the trigger to end things.
What made me hate him was his behavior during the divorce. I think he showed who he truly is and that he puts himself first every time. The things he did went beyond him reacting badly in a crisis. I think he loves DS in his way, but not in the way a parent should.
I would be okay never seeing him again. I think he is a waste of space. We have been split up for 7 years and have been completely civil for the last 4 years. But I literally cannot think of a single thing XH could do that would improve my opinion of him.
Every BF is so different that I honestly don't feel like I can even give much advice or suggestions. What has worked well for me probably wouldn't apply for anyone else. The only thing I would suggest is treating it like a business relationship.
Unhappy people try to make other people unhappy. My mom always said the worst thing you can do to them is succeed yourself. Send her a letter you will pay this time but not again. Set a precedence. Set consequences and stand firm.
Did he cheat with you? I think that is way harder to get over. Did he ever give her closure? Did he admit he was wrong and apologize to her? I think that helps some people.
Yeah, I'd pretty much agree with everyone. It's not that the divorce matters. It's that personality matters. The people you were during the marriage is most often the people you're going to be after it. Douche is lazy but makes efforts to keep up with appearances provided it's relatively easy for him to do so. This was the hallmark of our marriage and it's become the hallmark of (barely) co-parenting with him. And just like he abdicated responsibility of everything involving the kids and household to me while we were married, post divorce, he's advocated responsibility first to his mommy and then to his new wife. And just like during the marriage I drew back and became very dispassionate and pragmatic towards him when it became clear he was useless, that's how I treat him post-divorce.
Click me, click me!
Considering the situations we are in, I think it takes a lot of hard work by both parties to co-parent properly for the kids' sakes.
My relationship with BD ended very badly. We were together 7 years, engaged 6 and our relationship was off and on with BD always breaking it off until I finally wouldn't take him back. Lot of stalking, harassment, CPS calls, death threats, and such ensued following my decision not to take him back. Luckily the laws were on my side and that all ended with a protective order. That is all water under the bridge. We get along pretty well now. It took several years to get to this point though.
DH's marriage with BM ended due to him catching her in bed with her now current DH. He was very hurt but he has a great working relationship with BM for the kids. And he tolerates SF but prefers not to talk to him unless necessary.
We get along well now. Despite the crazy BS we put eachother through I think we both still have great respect for eachother as parents. We care about eachothers happiness, and we work well together coparenting.
He drives me crazy sometimes because he can be immature and irresponsible, but as PP mentioned I knew that about him when I married him. I doubt that will change.
He was my boss but I only worked there two days a week. We knew each other but it wasn't like we were emotionally cheating. He broke up with her and we started to see each other right away. I don't believe he broke up with her for me. So if you ask me no but if you ask BM her answer would be yes. From the outside I'm sure it looked like he was cheating her on with me. I don't think she ever had closure and I'm pretty sure he never apologized. At this point after all the crap she has pulled I don't think he would apologize.
BF and I get along fine now but only because our only communication is a quick monthly e-mail. He has no legal anything to DS and wont see him again until DS is 18 and only if its something DS would like. We were never married and I got pregnant six months into our relationship. From then on our whole relationship was rocky mostly because of BF's selfishness. After it ended our co-parenting relationship was rocky because of BF's selfishness. I could take him putting himself before me but not him putting himself before his child. Things ended badly between us but it wasn't how our relationship ended that made our co-parenting relationship bad. BF is hard to get along with. He is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, and has been diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies. This is why I left him and he was still this person afterwards.
I don't know that we have a good relationship, but we don't fight anymore, and considering how much we fought when we were married, it's certainly way more pleasant that I would have anticipated.
I kicked XH out when I caught him online chatting with his gf of about 4 months. We were having MAJOR problems, but he handled it poorly and never took responsibility for his part in our problems (as is his nature.) I could dwell on how things ended and how hurt I was that he cheated, but since I am so much happier without him I really do consider it as him doing me a huge favor by breaking up a marriage I was too scared to leave.
I know XH would consider us as friends, and he is NOT my friend, but we get along well enough, and he's very chit-chatty with me, calls me to talk, etc. He had some major problems with DH when we started dating, would call me and remind me that he is the kids' dad, not DH, but he's pretty well over that now and it's much easier. To me it's better to move on and not dwell on the negatives of the breakup but to relish how utterly happy I am with DH and what a very lucky girl I am to be married to him and not XH anymore!