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awesomenus1341
member
Update regarding pick-ups
awesomenus1341
member
So, we tried what you guys suggested this weekend. We text as always at our 15min away marker and asked that SS be dressed and ready to go. We stopped and got sno-cones before we got there, and took SS's Mickey Mouse stuffed toy with us as well as his Mobigo. When we got there, BM was at work, so pick up was from grandma. SS was dressed and ready, but as soon as he saw us he screamed and ran back into the house crying that he didn't want to leave. We walked in and SS took off and hid in a back room. We picked him up and carried him outside. SS cried that he didn't want to be carried and we told him if he could be a big boy and walk DH would put him down. He got down, walked to the car and got in. He said he didn't want his sno-cone or his toys. He cried about wanting to stay at BM's house and go to the lake (apparently now that summer has hit, this is what they do every single weekend and it's SS favorite thing in the world and he knew everyone was going without him).
A few miles down the road and he got better, he decided he wanted his sno-cone and he played his game a little bit. Just before we got home, long after he had calmed down, DH and I were talking about our plans this weekend with each other, and out of nowhere SS throws his Mickey Mouse at the front of the car, screaming that he didn't want it, he wanted to throw it in the trash, and we had to take him back to BM's. We took that and his security blanket(s) that he was trying to hide behind away. When we got home, we got out a new trash bag and made him throw all three away (it would have just been Mickey, but honestly he doesn't care much about any toy besides his little blankets). Of course he starts having a breakdown and saying "but I do want to stay at daddy's house." We sat down and explained that it was ok to want to stay with Mommy, he was not in trouble for being upset about leaving Mommy's house. But, throwing his toys is unacceptable no matter how upset he is. We picked three chores to help with before time for bath/bed and he earned all of his toys back and was in a much better mood.
The rest of the weekend went smoothly, but A LOT of saying he needed to go home to Mommy anytime we had downtime. However, when he left today, he gave us both hugs and kisses without being prompted and told us both individually that he loved us (for the first time ever in front of BM that he has said this to me, which abruptly ended all further conversation with her tonight). I don't forsee this getting much easier but we will keep trying. I also talked with DH again about not taking it so personally and that all we can do is try our best to make transistions go smoothly.
Thanks again for all your advice!
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Re: Update regarding pick-ups
Yes, we took it away. It is literally the only toy he cares about, he also doesn't care if he is spanked for bad behavior, and very rarely does timeout or being sent to his room do much. As well, this is something that has happened at both houses for as long as he has had it. Literally BM's only punishment is taking away his blanket(s) when he is in trouble- she takes it away and waits until he is finished throwing his fit on the ground. When he first started coming over on a regular basis, we called and asked her what she did when he was misbehaving, so this is something that came directly from her as what is done at her house and is consistent at both houses. So losing this is not new for him for being in trouble. He does not take them to timeout at either house. This is the first time he has had to "throw them away" and earn them back though.
Throwing them away is different than taking them away.
I agree, and that was the point. He screamed that he didn't want his toy and he wanted it in the trash. So we made him throw it away. He does not care if it is taken away, he usually throws it at us/BM when he is mad or in trouble anyway. Yes, throwing it away is different. We didn't take the trash out, we didn't put it in a nasty trash bag in a trash can. We told him before we did it, that if he was going to throw his toys because he wanted them in the trash then he would throw them away himself and he could earn them back. He then had to put them in the bag, we put the bag on the counter where he could see it, and he did his chores and earned them back.
Thanks. We didn't do it to be cruel, we felt like it was a way to get his attention, call his bluff, and have a productive consequence... We made sure several times over to explain that it had nothing to do with him wanting to go back to BM's but that just because we are angry does not make it ok to throw toys, and that they could be earned back, they were not gone forever. We also made the chores pretty simple and quick to ensure that all the toys were back before bedtime. DH and I are trying not to jump to the conclusion of PA, but we are also keeping it on our radar. A lot of this I think is just being 4 and missing his mom. But, there have been several things that we have kept record of over the last year that tend to suggest something else is going on there too. It's hard to tell at 4 because he says what he perceives, but also makes a lot of stuff up so we try not to automatically assume what he has been told.
It's his security blanket. The rest I don't care about but the only time you take away a security blanket is if it's the victim of a *** explosion.
The rest, keep on keeping on.
Click me, click me!
You called his bluff. You let him earn it back. IMHO, you did a great job & the right thing. Good for you!
My dad legit threw some of my toys out as a kid as punishment. I turned out fine. Of course, I was like 8. haha
Well, FWIW, yes, it is his security blanket. But he is also 4 yrs old. He likes to play with it sometimes during the day, mostly though he only has to have it or the world is going to end at bedtime/naptime, and occasionally when meeting new people. And really, even then it's not the end of the world. He doesn't have it all day if/when he goes to daycare because they don't allow it (in the 4 year room there are no security anything..pacifiers, blankets, etc.). BM has forgotten to send it with him and he survived the whole weekend without it and didn't even cry for it at bedtime. He asked, we told him BM would bring it on Sunday, and he was fine. So yes, it is the one thing he cares about, but it's also not like it was when he was maybe 1 or 2 and had to have it 24/7. So yes, it was taken away, and earned back. He went without it maybe 45min? Actually by the time he got in the bath he was in a better mood and had forgotten all about it, and we reminded him he had done all his chores and he could have it back. BM is really pushing to keep him a "baby" as long as possible (he does not dress himself or think he is capapble of doing anything, I've literally never heard a 4 year old say "I can't" more than him), but I do not think the blankets will be around much longer anyway. That being said, we would never actually throw them away, and will probably leave it up to BM for when they actually disappear, unless he puts them down and doesn't ask for them again at our house, we won't make him give them up completely.
Thanks. And don't get me wrong, we thought about actually taking the Mickey and making him give it to kids who wanted it. However, I don't think his overreaction to having to come to our house would have been justifiably punished by overreacting and actually throwing away his toys. We would never actually throw away the security blankets period. However, if he is acting the same way at 8...it might just happen. Again, not something as precious as the security blankets, but if he thinks his toys are better off in the trash..well that bluff might get called too. At 4 though I feel like he was just trying to push our buttons and see what he could get away with. So bluff called, the rest of the weekend went without a single fit or tantrum.
Oh no, I definitely wouldn't have actually thrown the toys away at 4. I just think the PPs who were all upset that you pretended to were overreacting. Throwing things in the car is a huge no, because it can cause an accident, like you mentioned.