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2nd Trimester
BeachBucket
member
Fear of MIL? **UPDATED**
BeachBucket
member
I will start by saying that I do love my MIL. She is a great person and she loves her children very much. I am very introverted and prefer to keep to myself mostly. So it's hard for me to distinguish between what is normal and what I consider normal. If that makes sense??? My parents are "live and let live" so I never really have a lot of input from them on things.
I am to the half way point of my pregnancy and things with MIL have started to really freak me out/annoy me. I find myself wondering what things are going to be like once our baby is here.
I have decided to breastfeed and this is something MIL speaks out against, constantly. She tells me that I will hate it and it will hurt. That I should just start off with formula. She has said how excited she is to take baby to her 5 day long company picnic next year (a few states away) while baby is only 6-7 months old. That she can supplement with formula if need be on vacation. This wouldn't be a family trip...just her taking our baby. She says baby will start staying overnight with her at 2 weeks old. Because I will be exhausted and need a break. Also, she says if I don't then the baby will never go to anyone and be overly attached.
MIL already has purchased a crib, monitor, diapers, bottles, and many other newborn-infant basics all for her house. While my husband and I are still trying to decide on which room we will use as a nursery.
Right now I just laugh and try and brush her off. My husband says its
just her being excited and to let her love our baby. And I do want her
too. I would never push her out or exclude her. There have been some
difficult moments with her in the past and we have had to set a lot of
boundaries. It has been going well, but I fear with a baby she will walk
straight through the boundaries.
Is this just excitement? Is she just saying and doing these things because she is an excited first time grandparent? Or do I have a reason to be worried? Anyone else gone through this or worry too?
Thank you to everyone who read this and replied. I appreciate your time and advice. I have spoken with my husband and he fully understands where I am coming from. As I mentioned before, we have had boundary issues in the past. So he is well aware of her crazy. He said he was really hoping that she is just being excited and that it's nothing more than talk. But agrees we need to start laying down foundations now.
We have decided to go ahead and gently "correct" her when she starts talking crazy. She wasted NO TIME in letting us get a first crack at it too. We have our anatomy scan this week and have decided to not find out baby's sex (we both LOVE surprises and can't think of a better one).
Not only did MIL MELTDOWN over us not finding out, she could not believe that we wouldn't be having her along for the scan. DH quickly stepped up and let her know that we made this little one together and that's how it will continue to be. In light of the new meltdown, we have also decided to that we will not be notifying anyone when I go into labor. We will make all the appropriate calls after baby is here and we are comfortably settled.
Sometimes I think if you are too close to the situation you can over analyze it. I had a feeling my gut was right here though. Thanks again for all the support and feedback. Best wishes with all your pregnancies/little ones already here. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fear of MIL? **UPDATED**
He should be the one to step in and tell her you both love her and want her to be a part of the baby's life but she needs to back off. Good luck!!!
DS2: 10/23/2015
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Your MIL has gone way past the excitement line and into crazycakes territory. You need to talk to your husband about what she's been saying, and he needs to have a discussion with her about boundaries and what is acceptable and not acceptable.
In my view, none of the things you listed are acceptable. YOU will make the decision to breastfeed or not, and she needs to close her trap about it. In addition, you and your husband will decide when and if the baby will do any overnights with your MIL. Even if your husband is on board with it, I definitely think either spouse should have veto power over such a decision. The idea of her taking your child on a 5 day trip without you is also just insane, if you ask me.
Do you think your husband will back you up on this stuff? I know he thinks you need to "let her love the baby", but that doesn't mean smothering the baby and acting like she is his/her mother (which is what it sounds like she's trying to do).
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I went a head and laid some ground work with DH. Just told him I was feeling a little anxious about some of things MIL has saying and that we needed to talk about it.
In the past he has been excellent about acknowledging her crazy and gets behind me when I need him too. She had a hard time letting go of her son after our wedding. Husband was a pro at making sure she knew her place then so I feel confident in that for this.
I just didn't want to call in the troops for battle if it wasn't really needed. But you all are right. Need to do this now before she comes into my home while I'm sleeping and snatches my kid.
She will continue to "tell" you what she plans to do with your baby until you or your DH grows a backbone.
This will get worse.
This.
Holy Cow she scares me and I don't even know her.
Honestly, I'd recommend nursing AT ALL COSTS just so she has to have some boundaries! haha. It looks like you're going to need that just for protection. Honestly my husband would not let his parents even babysit our youngest. (and they are totally normal, one is even a doctor) I'm surprised your DH is not more concerned. I think it safe to say you aren't going to be okay with overnights for a LONG time. At 6 months my ex took my LO out of town for a week. I couldn't get by on just pumping. She was officially weaned at that point. Maybe some could do it but there was no way and I even had a great milk supply. (I would have been outrageously upset but I was having a hard time keeping my weight up so it was probably for the better.)
Your DH really should be the one to dash her crazy dreams. He might come around when baby is born. It sounds mil is trying to go through the baby stage again but it is your turn. She had her chance. Unfortunately if your DH doesn't get on board it can make you look like a villain and that's just not fair.
You might have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she doesn't try her own thing with the formula too. We had a similar problem with gparents trying to slip my EBF baby food. (I caught one parent giving her a chocolate chip cookie. Are you kidding me?!) They sometimes take "spoiling" to a bad extreme.
Whoa. That is TOO much. Taking your baby at 2 weeks for overnights is NOT a good idea, and at 2 weeks, babies need attachment to a parent...specifically one with a food source. Personally, I would not let her take my child alone at 6-7 months! If it were a family trip, that would be fine. Do NOT let her talk you out of BFing! If that is what you want to do, she needs to support you; she can tell you the horror stories, but just saying "start" with formula is asinine when you want to try to BF.
Wow. It seems like you need to set more boundaries. Good luck!
Definitely agree!!! I thinks that's a little too much excitement.. taking the baby??? Not breast feeding?? She raised her kids the way she wanted to now its your turn. Good Luck
So now with baby MIL is fishing because she knows I won't put up with crap. She asks me if we are taking baby on vacation with us. Where will we spend Christmas we live an hour from his parents and 5hours from mine. They hardly come over and visit us now but she's told me flat out that will change once baby is here. I told her every once in a while is fine. Weekends is going to be hubby, mine, and baby time since we both work all week.
Bottom line. You are the mom. Your MIL is the grandmother not mom. I'm sure you know how to talk to your hubby and get him I see your way. I certainly learned quick. For me I can't come across as attacking his Mom but my concerns and feelings. He can't argue with that.. Good luck!!
I would be a lot bit annoyed and worried...
No one is going to TELL me what they're doing with my baby. Not a turds chance in hell that would fly with me.
That's all I have to add.
your MIL sounds crazy! If you want to breastfeed, do it, it's your baby, and that's the best thing for your baby, and you! So many benefits to breastfeeding. When I was a FTM I breastfed my baby and it took some getting used to. Babies have to learn what they are doing, so you've gotta be patient with them, and you've gotta learn too, the right way to latch, and relax so your milk can let down. At first, yes breastfeeding hurt, because your nipples are sore. Also you might feel contractions again like you will in labor, but that's because your ute is contracting back down to size, which is also good. You've gotta just grin and bare it, as it only last a day or two. After your milk comes in, and you and baby get the hang of breastfeeding it's easy, no more pain, and even more convenient then getting up in the middle of the night to make a bottle.
If my MIL thought she was going to take my baby at two weeks old to her house to stay the night some nights, I would slap the sh!t out of her! You will still be in the adjusting period of getting to know your baby, and bonding with your baby. Why would she want to take the baby? yes you will be tired, but why can't she just come to your house and watch the baby while you nap? that would make more sense to me! I would never in a million years let my family, or DH family take my brand new baby away from me. When I had DS2 my DH didn't even watch the baby alone until he was like 2 months old. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but I was his main source of food, and my baby needed to be with me. If my baby was napping, and I had to go to the store really quick, that was a different situation.
Again...if my MIL thought she was going to take my baby on a work vacation for 5 or so days...a few states away- again, the pure thought of that, she would get slapped. What reason does she need to take your baby away from you, to another state, for a company picnic? I don't understand that.
Yes, she may be very excited, but I think she's crossed the line of excitement. This isn't normal behavior. I would for sure be worried. If she is acting like this already- I would fear what she is going to actually be like when that baby comes, and if I were you I would lay down some strong boundaries right now.
I have a son from a previous relationship. I am used to him going to visit his dad, on the weekends, and over summer ect. DS2 however has never been apart from me...he's 6. This last summer (he was 5 at the time) he went to grandma's house for the whole summer. That was the first time I was ever without him. I was sick, and crying that he wasn't with me. I couldn't wait to fly and pick him up at the end of the summer. If my MIL lived closer, I wouldn't mind having DS2 going to her house for the weekend, or a week or whatever, even at an earlier age like 1 or 2. But I would be close to him as well, just in case anything happened. There is no way though I would let him go being a NB, and no way I would let him go a few states away for 5 days being only 6 or 7 months old!
GL with your MIL. Set some boundaries now- before it comes to a shock to her that what she want's isn't going to happen if you don't want them to.
You have the right to be worried. Sounds like my ex-MIL. I thought I was finally getting away from it when DDs dad and I got divorced, but not really. I still deal with it on occasion.
Good luck.
DD - Juliana Joan - Born October 27, 2010 - My Little Princess
BFP 1/14/13 - M/C 1/22/13 @ 5 weeks
BFP 3/20/13 - EDD 11/11/13
I think we share the same MIL! Right after she found out I was pregnant, she told me "You are not going to breastfeed, you will feed the baby the same home made formula that I gave your DH when he was a baby." I told her no, I would make that choice. She has also said that our son will be staying with her all the time and needed to buy a pack n play, stroller, and high chair for him (this is after she found out that FIL has these things at his house for the baby already, but he lives 5 hours away and doesn't want us lugging all that stuff with us when we travel, she lives 10 mins from us and he will not be staying with her often). She told DH the other week that she can't wait to have him with her all the time. He and I have told her that unless she cleans her nasty house, no dice. (She is a hoarder and every time we go over there, you can not walk thru her house due to the messes and her dog uses the potty in the house on a regular basis and she doesn't clean it up). We have already told her that we will not be going anywhere on Christmas day. When we told her that, her response was "No way. It has always been here and always will be. We told her there are going to be lots of changes coming her way once he is here and she will not be a happy camper.
GL with her! Sounds like you will also need it!
Telling you not to breastfeed! I would be furious.
The whole staying over her place, going away with her thing. I would just laugh that off and say, "That's not going to happen until we're ready for her to stay somewhere overnight."
Of course, I'm no doormat and will quickly speak up when someone steps over the line.
She has said how excited she is to take baby to her 5 day long company picnic next year (a few states away) while baby is only 6-7 months old.
yeah... NO! that's flucking insane right there. I love my mother and foresee her being our main help with our twins. no way would she EVER assume she's taking them a few states away (without us) until they are 3-4 YEARS old.
She says baby will start staying overnight with her at 2 weeks old.
Really? two weeks?? you and DH will be just getting it together by then.
Also, she says if I don't then the baby will never go to anyone and be overly attached.
SOOOOOO not true. If you let other people around LO and encourage them to hold the baby, and not snatch LO whenever tears start... LO will get used to it.
If you and DH are literally the only people LO ever sees for the first year or so of life, then you might get some attachment issues.
I have decided to breastfeed and this is something MIL speaks out against, constantly.
This one is actually fairly normal. for some reason, certain topics make people think they're allowed to say whatever they want... its not cool, I don't like it, but it is sadly normal
MIL already has purchased a crib, monitor, diapers, bottles, and many other newborn-infant basics all for her house.
This is another non-red flag for me. My Mom is going to have baby essentials at her house since she'll be our main babysitter... but we already okay-ed that and its a known fact... if you HAVEN'T done so... then its another red flag.
Is this just excitement?
Some of it, maybe... but others seem to cross a line for me
Is she just saying and doing these things because she is an excited first time grandparent? Or do I have a reason to be worried?
I have a very excited FTG in my family, and a FTA... They have their moments of "oh well... I'll have to come over and do this since you will forget" or "yeah, you won't have a say in this" but I usually just remind them its my kid, and that I will choose their haircuts... etc.
Anyone else gone through this or worry too?
Tons of people have gone through overly-attached grandparents... and I have worries mine will have their moments.
Holy crap....i didn't read all the responses,so forgive me if I'm repetitive, but it prolly bears repeating if I am...your MIL is BSC. The "live and let live" philosophy that you have? While awesome in many ways, I suspect that your MIL now feels you are a doormat, and she is treating you as such.
My advice. Tell your husband to nut-up. Sit him down with your concerns, get him on the same page, and have him have a convo with his mom about the boundaries that you and he will agree on. The sooner this is done, the sooner she'll get over being hurt/mad/head twirling-pea soup spewing mode. NO, you don't have an option to NOT do this, or she will forever rule the roost because you didn't want to come across as intolerant. This is NOT pushing her away, this is setting HEALTHY boundaries, and cutting the apron strings...which should have already been done.
If your husband doesn't see this yet (and guess what, most don't see it--too close to the issue, perhaps?), you'll have to find a way to do it yourself. BEFORE the baby is born. On YOUR schedule, in a deliberate convo. If you wait, the hormones out of whack, the new baby, the adjustment..argh...it will end poorly. You'll either cave and years later, explode with resentment, or it will all come out like a boil in the first months of baby's life, REALLY alienating your MIL and causing a rift in the family.
My MIL went out and bought a crib "oh, for overnight stays" when she found out I was pregnant with my first. My first is now going on 4, and has never spent the night anywhere but home. I'm not comfortable with that. While you may not be as extreme, it is up to YOU and DH as to what you are comfortable with. Go with your gut. "Normal" is subjective, as everyone has different likes/dislikes/comfort zones. I admire that you are willing to have an open mind, and are open to change, but this attitude sometimes leads to a slippery slope, where you just over-ride what your head/heart tells you sometimes. It's not about pleasing others as much as finding out who you are, and how you want your family to form.
Good luck, keep us posted!
Make a pregnancy ticker
Glad to see that you are taking steps to put MIL in her place.
Just as an FYI - I breastfed my son until 24 months. He had a great latch within hours of being born and nursed like a champ. I did not have sore nipples or any BF problems of any kind. You always hear the horror stories - never the "Oh, yeah, no issues" ones. I had to leave my son overnight a few times while we were still nursing due to unavoidable work travel and during those times my husband fed him expressed breast milk - never any formula at all. That said, I was never away from my son for more than a few hours in the first year and can't even IMAGINE having him gone overnight in the first two weeks! Beyond the emotional aspects my boobs would have exploded. LOL.
My MIL is very kind and pretty understanding, tries hard NOT to be overbearing. That said, the way that she parented her children is very different than the way that I do and I can sometimes see that in her reactions, even as she is trying not to show it. I imagine it must be hard even for the most controlled grandmas to step back and not offer their opinions at all - after all, they have "been there, done that".
I think ur intuition is on. It's one thing for grandma/grandpa to take the child for a night or two... but 2 weeks!? And then to just say you're bringing your grandchild out of state for 5 days at 6-7 months old. I wouldn't go for either of those. It's very nice that she's excited and has a space for the baby when he/she visits, but she's definately stepping over the excited boundary into the overdoing it zone.
Best wishes! Hopefully some firm boundaries keep things under control and you and your H sane
Kudos to your husband for stepping up for you both (all three.) It sounds like a "sit down and chat" is in order; probably between husband and mother. Assure her that you want her to be involved with her grandchild and you know she is trying to be helpful, but that she is overstepping boundaries in a good way. There is no reason for a child to be separated from you at 2 weeks. This will not help the child "learn to go to someone else." (If anything, you don't need outside intervention anywhere near you for the first 2 weeks!) Any information that supports this is outdated. If you are breastfeeding, that baby isn't going anywhere for a while - and you know what? That is fine. Perhaps kindly mention you would like the chance to have as strong a bond between mother and child as she clearly feels for her own son. There are ways to assert boundaries quietly and effectively - but is she becomes too bombastic in her approach, do not be afraid to put up a unified front and inform her in no uncertain terms where the boundaries are. Ultimately, you make the decisions for your child and your husband and you need to be unilateral in your stance.
Sometimes in life you have to embrace the "crazy." I think in this instance you can accept that it is there, but that doesn't mean you have to let it dictate your decisions. You sound like a kind, considerate person, so I doubt that you will go the other way and become a baby-nazi. You will be tired after the little one is here; make sure your husband and whatever friends and family need to know that you will need some space, and perhaps they can run interference for you!!
We have had not-so-subtle offers from some family members about moving in with us to eventually become our "nanny," and there are only so many polite ways to intimate "that isn't happening in any known universe." Continue to be firm, but kind, and if that doesn't work, let your husband be the one to be the "heavy." You have enough to handle.
Best of luck!!!!!
.... I love this image... and may or may not have just snorted and choked on my drink while reading. Well played, Grace_Smith03....