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Blended Families
EXH Won't let me meet his FI
My exh has been dating a girl for over a year. He is engaged to her now, and they are living together. I have never met this woman, despite my several requests to exh to do so. My only reasons for wanting to meet her are that exh leaves our children alone with her when he works nights, she drives my children around, and they are obviously living in the same house when the children are with my exh. My DS has severe asthma and I have concerns about who this woman is, if she is OK dealing with all that is entailed with coparenting these children, etc. I do not have any ill intentions or bad feelings towards her. My DS is very bothered by the fact that "everyone hasn't met." He's 7 years old, and he has been in counseling since the divorce, to help him cope. He has told his counselor that he wants "everyone to know each other." My DH has met my exh several times, and they have talked on the phone. They are cordial. My DH has also attended my DS's counseling sessions, at DS's request. When DS asked my exh if his FI would come to a session, my exh said "no, she'll meet Mommy when she's ready."
Of course, this makes me really angry, because this isn't about when SHE is ready or when SHE is comfortable. It is about the CHILD. I don't understand why she is so timid and/or scared anyway. If I was in her shoes, I'd want to know all involved parties!
I don't know what to do at this point. In my state, it's not a legal mandate that the custodial parent HAS to meet or know such people, but of course I want to know who my children are with. My exh is just doing this to frustrate me and piss me off, but really, he's just hurting our DS in the process.
WDYT I should do? Just let it go?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: EXH Won't let me meet his FI
What makes you think he's doing this to piss you off? Based on what he said to your DS, she doesn't feel ready. Which is perhaps frustrating (and lame). But I think there are several BMs and SMs here who have not ever met the other.
There isn't anything you can do IMO. The harder you push the more of an issue you make out of it. The more of an issue you make I imagine the less willing she is going to be to meet.
I never met my XH's gf. She actively hides from me--as in, she will get dropped off somewhere and XH will pick up DS from me and then pick her back up.
That's really funny.
There is always the caveat but my statement is meant in the most general of terms....
If dad thinks this woman is fine to be around the kids, unless you have some knowledge dad has poor judgment, his is/was a druggie, whatever, then his judgment is good enough. You are not entitled to KNOW this woman.
That being said of course in a healthy good working relationship it would be ideal, but that is not the reality that a lot of us live.
Back off of it and let it go. I'm assuming you've been pressuring XH about it? Then let it go. When you are cool and act like you don't care, more than likely she'll start rearing her head and you will meet. She can't hide from you forever.
And what if you don't like her? What are you going to do about it? Stop the marriage? You can't. You can not control that situation at all. So stop trying. It's probably part of the reason it's stressing your son out.
I know I'm not going to meet XH's next serious girlfriend - or many of his girlfriend's for that matter. I worry what influences he and his family will have on her when I can not be there. I have not control over it. All I can do is teach my daughter how to behave, what's acceptable, and what's not and that i expect her to behave that way always, not just when she's in our home. I'm focussing on her and teaching her to be a good, polite, honest, hard working & respectable person and to not take on bad habits or behaviors of those that aren't like that. Including family. That's just what you should be doing anyway in raising a child.
My EX and SM have been together nearly 8 years, married 7. I never officially met her back then. She also hid from me for years. I rarely even saw her in the car at pick up or drop off. I saw her 1 time at a performance for DD right after she had their 4 year old that was the closest I had ever been to her at that point so that was 4 years after her and EX got together. She said nothing to me. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that she called our house for the first time and my DH answered it and he was shocked, she wanted to change a pick up time. She started picking up and dropping off DD sporadically after that at the central location that we do exchanges at. In the past year and a half she has started emailing, texting and calling me about insurance (she carries DD on her insurance), or pick ups and drop offs. I have no idea why she hid from me for so long, but I knew that she treated DD well and that was all that mattered to me. I've still only seen DD's sister probably a handful of times up close which has just started occurring more frequently. I think SM is finally getting comfortable with being in a BF.
My relationship with BM is completely different. We are highly involved in my SKs' extracurriculars and so we see her usually multiple times a week during sports season. We are cordial and have casual conversations in person. I met her the first time after DH and I moved in together and she picked the kids up from me while he was at work about 7 years ago and DH and I had already been together a year. She's also seen my kids more times than I could possibly count. To BM, I am another parent to the kids. We have a delicately balanced relationship. I also don't call or text her though because I let DH handle all communication in regards to the kids.
I understand how you feel but I am the SM. BM refused to meet me for two years, the only reason she finally did was because we all went to SD`s daycare function and all she said was hi. She has still not spoken more than hi to me. DH and I have been together for a little more than 4 years. I would think you would want to know the woman who takes care of your child when you are not there. The only reason DH met her fiance is because he went over to him and introduced himself.
Now at co-parenting last night, I came up in conversation and BM said that she had a problem with the fact that I did not personally call her to ask permission to watch SD while in my husband`s care but after my husband attempted to introduce us,she refused, then she called him and told him I was a *** and some other choice names so why would I call her.
OP, I think there is more to this story. Did you have a particularly contentious divorce? Are you super controlling? There is more here than you are letting on. And as for this affecting your son, I have no doubt he is getting that from you. Those don't sound like statements that a 7 yo would say without being coached.
I would be very bothered as well. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it. It's very childish and lame that Future SM won't meet you, or even be around you. It sounds like her issue.
If you and XH have a good relationship, I would ask him why Future SM is uncomfortable, and see if there's anything you can do about it. If you don't, then I would drop it for awhile.
My son has said these statements on his own. He has been talking about this with his counselor since October. It's one of the big reasons I want to meet her, because I'm worried about my son and why he keeps asking for this.
I see you conveniently chose to ignore the rest of my questions, which leads me to believe the answer is yes. Which then makes me say, no wonder she does not feel ready to meet you
Unless your ex is in the habit of dating felons and drug users, I'd honestly let it go. When your son talks about her, tell him (at the risk of your eyeballs rolling across the room while doing so) that you trust his daddy to only leave him with people who love him and care for him and that while you've never met her, you're sure she takes good care of him and that his daddy must love her very much to feel she's good enough to be around your son. And then ask him to tell you more about her so you can get to know her through him.
And then do your best to look and sound as utterly fascinated and enlightened by everything he says.
If your exh feels like being a bag of diicks, there's really not much you can do to talk him round. But there is a lot you can do to help your son feel more at ease with the situation. If it helps, think of it this way (which is what I had to do when I found out exh was marrying some chick a few days before he did it when I didn't even know he was dating/thought he was dating someone else): I don't need my exhusband meeting and approving the person I date/marry. I know he's a good man. I know he's capable of caring for my children. So I suppose I can see why he wouldn't feel he needed mine.
But he sucks though. I agree with that.
Click me, click me!
BM takes extreme measures to avoid me (the SM). I find it incredibly strange. She has threatened to have me killed, so I guess it makes sense in some twisted way - she is crazy and hates me (we have never met).
If the SM in your case isn't ready, so be it. As PP have pointed out, you have no say in who your exh chooses, without real, documented cause. I agree with PP as well - your son knows this bothers you and is asking based on that. DDs here will ask me about DH's travel schedule after being with their Dad - because he is insecure that DH lives with them, and he does not. The ONLY time the girls ask these questions is after they see their Dad, and younger DD has point blank alluded to her Dad wanting to know. Kids are amazing in their ability to pick up on things; I doubt her Dad has said "I want to know your stepdad's travel schedule". DD BTW is only 5 and picks up on the nuance. Your DS might even see you looking around at pu or events, and have caught on to what you are seeking.
Im going to throw out a lot of assumptions here, so bear with me. Maybe SM is from a blended family where her BM and SM hate each other, maybe she has friends from blended families where the BM and SM hate each other. Or maybe she's heard a lot of stories where the BM and SM can't get along and the BM withholds visits. Who knows. But I can think of several reasons why maybe she's just not ready.
As PP said, stop asking to meet her. Trust that your XH has DS' best interests at heart and wouldn't bring someone around who doesn't love and care about your child. Eventually everyone will meet when everyone is ready.
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