- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
awesomenus1341
member
WDBF Think?
awesomenus1341
member
So SS hates coming to our house. Well not really, actually, he loves our house while he is there, but lately picking him up from BM has been a total nightmare. I just can't for the life of me figure out what the deal is. When we pick him up from BM's mom while BM is at work, there are no issues other than maybe a little whining if he just woke up from a nap. Otherwise, he calls BM and says bye, grabs his security blanket and walks to the car, hops in, says bye to Grandma, and we are off within 10min. However, when BM is there, it's a HUGE ordeal. Usually fit throwing, screaming, crying. Last time he wouldn't sit still to get his shoes on and was literally clawing at the door to stay in when she tried to carry him to the car to leave, jumped out of his carseat 3 times before she yelled at him to sit down, and then was angry and on the verge of tears saying he wanted to stay with BM. Granted, he thought the whole running away thing was funny and was laughing as DH and BM tried to get his shoes on him and get him in the care, and it wasn't funny once she actually got onto him about it. 10min down the road or less, he was laughing, perfectly fine again. When he was in daycare, we had the crying bit, when he got out, things got 10x worse. He went back in, we were back to a little whining, he is out again, and it's absolute He** trying to pick him up (I have no idea if this is a factor, but other than BM being present, it's the only other correlation I can think of).
SS is 4. I told DH (who is obviously pretty devastated that SS seems to hate our house) that part of it is his age, because he does want to be with his mom...all the time. But now I am beginning to wonder if it is more than that. He has a blast at our house, always laughing and having fun. He does usually say something about wanting to go home to "mommy's house" around bath/bedtime, but they cosleep and he has his own room at our house which sometimes he is fine with and sometimes he reminds us he sleeps in bed with BM, and it's never a huge fit. We do have more/different rules than BM's house, but I think in the last 2 months, or maybe even more, he has only been in timeout maybe 2x? So it's not like he is constantly being punished or anything. We always have plans to do something fun, sometimes out and about, and sometimes just playing with his toys at home. IDK if this is just the age, or if he thinks it's a funny game to make BM chase him around, but it's really wearing on DH and myself both when we go to pick him up (probably BM too, although I do think she likes that he seems to hate going to our house so much- when he used to cry to stay with us, she was devestated and I was no longer allowed to be present at exchanges for a while). Any ideas/suggestions? He called DH Wednesday to wish him a Happy Birthday, and ended with "but don't come pick me up!" so I can only imagine Friday will be rough again.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WDBF Think?
Its the age and poor overall parenting on BM's count.
I am not saying that it's Parental Alienation, but I bet that if BM
1) prepped the kid for the exchanges properly and
2) dealt with his Temper Tantrums/games playing with some consequences or even punishment this would end.
Now, honestly I think that your DH needs to address and deal with his games too. The crying for MOM...totally age appropriate.
Getting out of the carseat 3 times is not. And even IF this was caused by true emotional distress, he needs to learn how to handle TRUE emotional distress appropriately.
And as a parent, even if it means being MEAN, BD and BM need to be firm in dealing with him. Because what could be true emotional distress quickly becomes patterns of behavior that may never be taught out
(I know this from personal experience through 6 years of living the life and dealitng with a variety & number of professionals).
DS sometimes used to cry and have tantrums when he was little. I'd have to strap him into XH's carseat while he cried and grabbed at me.
I can promise you that I hated it, probably more than XH. It is wrenching to say goodbye to your child while they're crying and reaching for you.
DS probably stopped doing it by the time he was 4 or so, and I think since then he has gotten a little weepy maybe once. Now that he's 8 I barely get a half-hearted hug when I take him to drop him off.
I think you just have to be as calm and consistent as you can. Try to redirect/distract him as much as possible. Like Illumine said, I think you can have consequences for being disobedient (getting out of the carseat) but provide comfort for the crying. He has to learn how to express his emotions without breaking rules... and that's a life lesson you'll probably be working on for awhile!
Thanks for all of your feedback, and reassurance that at least part of this really is the age. I agree that part is lack of parenting on BM's part, I will maybe mention to DH today that when we give her our "we are 15min away" warning, to include "please have him ready to go" (you would think the 15min warning would indicate the same thing). He is never, ever, ever ready...always needs clothes or shoes, or last time DH literally had to climb through the net on the trampoline to catch him and pull him out then get him in the house for shoes...and so on. I also agree that part of it is DH allowing the actions- please believe I reamed him for it after SS was put to bed. His reasoning "well it was her house"...still your child! In fact, I actually was the first to say anything during the last fit because it got so absolutely ridiculous and neither of them were saying anything, not mean or yelling, just "if you don't sit and put on your shoes, then we will have to go without them, but either way we have to leave" (and before you all flame me for stepping in, I also apologized to DH that night for stepping in, and the next morning I apologized to BM for the same thing, saying that I realize I overstepped my boundaries- even though it just about killed me to have to apologize to her, I knew I was in the wrong and the right thing to do was to say something to her).
As far as PA goes, part of my proposing this to y'all was to see if you thought this was along those lines. We haven't had too many things that raise red flags, yet, but I have brought the concept up to DH because of things SS says every now and then. The worse was during the C/O process, the first time BM had to drive all the way to our new house to pick him up (we used to live 15min from where she worked, so we did all the driving, and she got to pick him up on her way home, now it's a 2hr drive for everyone). She pulled up to our house screaming and yelling and calling DH names, when DH put SS in the car and said "Goodbye, I love you," BM started yelling "no he doesn't, you don't have a daddy, he doesn't love you, etc." It happened once. I actually said something to her at a later date during one of our heart-to-heart-lets-try-not-to-hate-each-other convos and she apologized and said she went back and told SS that she didn't mean what she said. That was a year ago. There have been several times when we pick up SS and he says "you're not my daddy, I only have a mommy, I am only mommy's son, not yours"- but IDK if maybe this is not understanding the concept of being a son and that you can and are a son to multiple people. Then there was the birthday party thing I posted about previously. The last time she sent him over with broken shoes, she accused our dogs of eating his shoes and tearing a hole in his jeans (they never even had access to SS's clothing) and it was to the point that SS took off his shoes the next visit and hid them in a closet while we weren't looking "so your dogs don't eat them" (BM has 13 dogs at the moment). So it's definitely on our radar, but it's so far been little things that are just here and there. I didn't know if this might be part of it or not though.
This. DS used to have a hard time with exchanges if they weren't done at daycare. He was also 4. No amount of prepping or good parenting could change that. He just hated leaving me to go to dads or dads to go to my house. They always miss the other parent no matter what a good time they are having. Saying this is BMs poor parenting is a stretch.
I don't think she enjoys the fit in the sense that she looks forward to it, but I do think she is glad he wants to stay with her, because at first, when she would only let him come for a few hours or maybe a night, he would cry to stay with us, more specifically, he cried for me. It took 35 min to get him in the car, and at that point she finally said something, but as mentioned before, she does nothing to prepare him to leave or stop the fit, so I definitely think she hates him being so upset, but is at least a little satisfied that he wants to stay with her.
I will say that aside from the age thing, I've also explained to DH that no matter how much we try to make our house feel like home, only being here 4 nights a month means it will never truly be "home." I also explained that its the same as us having a busy week and then having to spend the weekend away, that even when you enjoy it, you still don't relax like you would at home. I do empathize with him, but there is a point where it's more than just being upset and becomes unnecessary and uncalled for.
The age has a lot to play into it and some might be BM's lack of prep like Ilumine mentioned.
Having gone through 4 kids having to transition from house to house at the age of 4, I can say that the parents do play a tremendous role in how the kids transition between houses. All 3 of DH's kids have thrown massive tantrums at ages 4-5 during transition. DD has Asperger's and actually has a problem with transitions but at the time she was 4 she wasn't diagnosed but since I was used to her having transition problems, I always talked up getting to go see her dad and how much fun she was going to have seeing him and how much he missed her and how she would see me again soon. Of course, now this is her "routine" so we have never had any transition problems out of her again in terms of switching houses. I can't say the same for my SKs. Randomly, one of them will come out to car crying usually because BM and SF are doing something without them that weekend (and they actually tell them before....).
IMO the CP has to prep the kids in order for a smooth transition to occur. It's really no different than a before school routine for a Kindergartener or a bed time routine. Those are important and without them, the kids are not prepared and tantrums occur. Maybe your DH can have a non-confrontational conversation with her about "preventing" these tantrums by implementing a "getting ready to go to dad's" routine.
Thanks for the suggestion. I think we will start today just asking for him to be ready, shoes on, etc. then maybe ease into a full blown routine.I honestly don't know if she has one for daycare, they aren't super big on routines period at her house, but maybe Dh can come up with some suggestions. At our house, she texts about 15 min away and we have him change back into her clothes. The fits never happen the other way around though, he is almost always happy to go home, on the rare occasion he is reluctant, but it's been a year or more since he has actually thrown a fit about going back. I don't know if that is because we have a routine or just because it's his mom and he missed her. It seems that the longer we keep him, like during holidays, the more he gets into a routine here, the less he wants to call bm, and the more reluctant he is to go back, but just two nights he doesn't really get the chance to adjust here.
Sorry but I disagree.
HOW you follow through with these moments does indicate poor parenting. I am not saying that she is deliberately being a bad parent or that her or your inaction is vindictive.
But NO CHILD should be allowed to fight getting into a car seat or allowed to get out of his/her car seat because s/he misses mom. That opens you up to not putting that car seat on properly. Your kids safety overrides his/her feelings.
Just because the cause of the fit is "understandable" doesnt mean that they are allowed to have the fit. Life is full of moments where you are sad, angry, anxious, excited, etc. Learning appropriate behaviors and control during said moments is soley based on how your parents handle your appropriate and inappropriate behavoirs. THATS PARENTING.
Yes, wanting mommy at 4 is age appropriate. Learning how to handle those feelings appropriately is the parent's job. Letting it go because its their age is as bad as saying "boys will be boys" when your 11 yo boy pees on an electric fence and gets shocked.
You need to start them off as early as possible so the harder emotions are easier to handle.
Like your BM I don't think BM is happy seeing her child cry, but I do think she enjoys that the child would rather stay with her. I know this because of other dramatic and/or attention getting behaviors BM engages in from time to time.
I would guess that he'll eventually grow out of it. It might help if BM does not come to the car pickups for us are always worse if BM comes out to the car rather than just saying goodbyes at the door of the house or inside wherever they are.
Your husband needs not to take this personally, first off. Devastated is a bit much for the antics of a four year old. They get worse, trust and they know how to hit you where it hurts.
Secondly, your husband needs to stop playing into BM's hands here. When he arrives to pick up his son, he needs to go up there like he's doing nothing more than picking up pizza for dinner. I mean pizza's exciting but it's just dinner. So more like, "Hey, bud, I missed you, let's go." Then just pick his little behind up and carry him to the car. If he isn't wearing shoes, your husband can go back inside and get them after the kid is strapped in the car.
I guarantee BM is spending the majority of the time before pick up blathering about how much she's going to miss him and how lonely she will be without him. Pinky's father used to do this. I'd pick her up in ATL and she would wail all the way to the way to the outlet mall. Finally I told her that would count to 10 and she could cry as much as she wanted to until I got to ten and then she would be all done. My head hurts just thinking about it. I couldn't change how he behaved but I could change how I dealt with it and eventually, she knocked it off.
Good luck to you.
Click me, click me!