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Blended Families
blondii428
member
How to get custody
blondii428
member
So my DH has a 4yo daughter with his ex. Up until a few months ago the daughter was primarily in the mother's care. She lived with her, but my DH picked her up every afternoon from about 3-8pm to spend time with her. She recently moved away with an older man that lives about an hour away. She originally took the daughter with her with the agreement that my DH would get her every other weekend. After only several weeks, her parents stepped in and deemed it unsafe for the daughter to be living with her mother (lots of partying, gun went off in the living room cieling, lots of physical fighting, cops being called..) so they got a notarized paper saying that the daughter will be under their care for the time being with my DH still picking her up every afternoon like before.
The mom will occassionally come down and spend a few days here while she is fighting with her BF, but then abandons the daughter and goes back. She is starting to say things like "Mommy broke my heart" and "I'm tired of this I just want to live with my Daddy."
It's obvious that my DH should go to the court to get custody of her, but I'm totally clueless of how to begin this or how much it will cost. Anyone been through this before?
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Re: How to get custody
Gotcha, I would definitely get a lawyer and file especially since she is not in her mother`s care.
If YH gets along well with the grandparents, he may want to try and work with them. Could he go see them and let them know that he's going to amend the custody order? Maybe if they will work with him in the best interest of the child, he could offer them one weekend a month with the kiddo?
My thought is that if the grandparents will stand between the child and the wackadoo BM, then everyone wins. Because even if YH gets primary custody, BM will still have parental rights. But maybe her parenting time could be supervised by the grandparents.
If I'm reading this right:
Your DH saw his daughter every day for 5 hours a day for several years. He never took overnights or vacations. Then, BM moved away and DH took EOWE. Now he's back to 5 hours a day every day with no overnights?
If so, DH has not set a good precedent. Why didn't he get a CO or fight for more time and overnights? Did BM a good mother previously and then just went off the deep end? Or has she always been a not-so-great mom and DH just let it slide?
Things just aren't adding up to me. If your DH wants to be the CP of your SD, then he needs to get a CO. He should talk with the grandparents and see if they're okay with one weekend a month like felles said. If you and the grandparents have a good relationship, I would let them know your intentions and try to keep a good relationship between you guys.
In some states a grandparent can fight for rights if a precedent and/or schedule is set.
Before all of this happened they wanted to keep it out of the courts and just handle it between the two of them. Which worked great, until now of course. He has recently had a few overnights but when she was a little younger she didn't want to stay overnight and would tell him that she wanted to stay at home so he gave her what she asked for.
OP, please contact a lawyer. iirc, in the majority of states, the mother has full legal and physical custody of a child born out of wedlock as it were, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. The name on the certificate only helps make the process of gaining custody/visitation easier if he's signed it. If they were married, then yes, he could take the kid wherever he likes. But otherwise, no.
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Lawyer up and request custody. They will guide you through it and tell you exactly what your chances are and what you need to do.
I agree - parents trump grandparents. She needs to be with her father.
And as for the process of getting a lawyer, flip through the phone book/internet and find one who practices family law and does free consultations. Go visit them, lay out the circumstances, and they'll give you a run down of the process and reasonable expectations.
The vast majority will require a retainer fee to proceed, which means you will give them a fat check that would make baby jesus cry and then work your case deducting from that.
However, if things are cooperative though clearly messy, it's quite possible the birth mom would go along with giving your husband custody without a fight. The lawyer will more than likely suggest trying this first before going to court.
Regardless of what happens, you guys do need to come to some kind of legal consensus on what is going on here. Her parents cannot continue keeping this little girl indefinitely without eventually running into problems when it comes time to enroll her in school, take her to the doctor, or make major legal decisions for her and quite frankly, if they give her to you, neither can you. Eventually something will come up and the question will have to be answer. To let things go on as they have means that mom can show up on either yours or her parents' doorstep at any time and take her daughter back regardless of her circumstances and then you'll have a devil of a time getting her back. You probably will because of how things have progressed but it will be a much more difficult project than it needed to be because he hasn't protected his daughter legally.
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Good parenting!
I'm actually a little worried about this entire situation. I really don't understand how this happens and how you don't view this as a character flaw in your husband.
ETA: Please tell me he's at least been paying child support.
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It concerns me that you are clueless on what to do regarding your step child. Your H should know about family court considering he has a child with a woman he is not married to. Normally in this situation the legal system would have already been involved due to child support obligations.
You hire a lawyer and he files a motion in court to change the custody. If in fact the BM does not live with the child and you can prove it then I'm assuming the judge would give primary custody to your H. The mother should still get visitation rights.
You all could file the motion yourselves by going to the family court and figuring out what document needs to be filed to request a change in primary physical custody.
Usually the court first requires you to go through mediation and if you cannot come to an agreement on timesharing then it is referred to a judge and a judge makes the decesion.
And FYI the court process can take months. It took me 8 months to start getting child support. A motion was filed by my attorney and between my attorney, his attorney, the court, and the mediation process it took that long to make anything happen. Unless you file an emergency motion and stay on top of your attorney it can take awhile to change anything. Especially if he is not on the birth certificate they may require proof of paternity.
Additionally that notarized document means diddly squat. Did your H sign it? Usually both parents have to agree to anything regarding their child. Particularly something like giving away primary custody to a grandparent.
And all of this is assuming the grandparents won't turn her over. In most cases teh parents abide by their child's wishes. I assume they are only going to do what their daughter tells them to. Of course before going through all of this court stuff your H should ask the mother and grandparents if they would agree to her living with you guys. Allowing them regular visitation. Though in my experience custody battles are a given and that is why the courts are flooded with family law cases.
Is there some background that explains why he was content to merely pick his child up for a couple of hours a day and then it's up to her parents to step in when her situation becomes untenable and still, he's not exactly eager to get custody of his own child.
And you didn't answer. Does he pay child support either to the mother before all this or her parents now that they are bearing the financial responsibility for his child.
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I'm just wondering why you think it's a big deal that he didn't have overnights? There are days I don't spend 5 hours with my son after work.
5 hours a day for the month would be 150 hours. And they would be all hours that the child is awake. Standard EOWE with one week day visit is 112 hours but a 4 year old sleeps about 40 of those hours.
My son is almost 3 and his father just started EOWE visits so he was seeing him even less then 112 hours a month. And his first vacation won't be until August.
I question the grandparents stepping in because it wasn't safe before the dad but it seems like the dad was involved by seeing his daughter daily.
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He had his daughter when he was 19 years old and still living at home. The grandparents came up with the plan of having him spend the afternoon, having dinner with her, and then taking her back to her (at the time) stable home for her bath and bed time. When she left town we specifically went out and upgraded from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment so that she could start sleeping over every other weekend, which she has.
Yes, he pays child support to the mother in addition to buying her clothes as needed, feeding her dinner every night and all three meals every other weekend.
I think seeing his daughter every single day was really nice. But, I think overnights give you much more of a parenting role. I think full days and overnights make being with each parent a home versus a "visit," if ykwim. SD probably likes seeing OP's DH, because he does fun things with her and gives her dinner, while BM (theoretically, it sounds like this BM didn't....) does the more standard parenting responsibilities such as doctor and dentist appointments, getting the child up and ready for the day, putting the child to bed, baths, etc. I find it surprising that a parent would be content to pick their kid up for a couple hours and then drop them back off. It's like they just want to visit with them, and then go back to their life.
Please tell me you're kidding. "...he gave her what she asked for." So we should all give our kids what they ask for, and that makes us good parents? With that line of logic, should Wendi's DH not be recognized at SS's graduation since 'that's what he asked for?' I think not. Giving a child what they ask for isn't good parenting, it's being a pushover and letting your child run the show.
He gave her what she asked for as in its somewhat cruel to force a two or three year old little girl to sleep in a place where she doesn't feel comfortable, don't you think? She was scared back then, she's grown a little and is more comfortable with sleeping in two homes now.
So when my baby is born and I have to go back to working my 12 hour days and only get to spend a couple of hours with my little one when I get home, I will be "babysitting?"
If you're fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, great. But I find that statement is somewhat offensive moms that have no other choice than to work and support their family.
Exactly. This is what I have in mind when I say picking up your kid for a few hours every day isn't parenting. If you're a working parent, you still are responsible for all these things. If you're just dropping in for a couple hours, you are not.
Even when living with your parents you are able to bring your child to your house for overnight visits and otherwise alternate parenting responsibilities. It sucks that he was so young and didn't know what to do but he's older now. He has a wife and a baby on the way and it's time for him to rectify the errors of his youth and call a lawyer. Now. Not tomorrow, not when he gets around to it but right now. (although obviously not until Monday.)
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No, it's not cruel and perhaps if he'd brought her to his house like he should have, she would have gotten used to it and he'd be a more involved father.
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Actually, I work full time. And I went back to work when DS(now 4.5) was two weeks old and I went back to work when DD(now 5 months) was 7 weeks old. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but it's just not in the cards right now.
Anyway, hindsight's got a point, and I touched on it too in an earlier post on this thread. Seeing your child for short visits doesn't compare to overnights. Like I said, you're missing out on a lot of parenting responsibilities.
And no, when I returned to work it's not "babysitting" when I come home. I get my kids up, dressed, and fed in the morning, and take them to the sitter's. I get home and we play together, we eat dinner, we do bedtime routine and I put the kids to bed. We do things together on the weekends. And I take care of their appointments, extracurriculars, and decision-making for them. So, don't take what hindsight said out of context. Working mother's are not "babysitters," but picking up your child each day, spending a few hours with them, and then dropping them back off - that is very similar to babysitting.
I missed this part, and I understand the situation MUCH better now. So SD was living with the grandparents who had a stable home, and their daughter, BM, lived there too. I commend your DH for being a 19 yo boy and being a daily part of his DD's life, although I still think he should have asked for EOWE, even then.
Call a lawyer first thing Monday morning and get an appointment asap.
ETA: I think when he felt he was old enough to start working full time (I assume he's working full time) and be in a serious relationship where you guys are living together, I would have fought for more time then too.
You can make the babysitting comment about some parents that only see their child EOWE as well. My son says he wants to go to daddy's so he can go to Chuck E Cheese. His father might give him one bath during the weekend. Doesn't take him to church, any activities, his babysitter's or doctor's appointments. So just because he puts him to bed and feeds him some more meals doesn't mean he is doing more parenting because his babysitter feeds him breakfast and lunch and puts him to bed twice a day and takes him to two activities a week.
The Original poster's DH might take his daughter to doctor's appointments or activities in the afternoon. He could also pick her up from daycare/ pre school and interact with her teachers.
OP your DH needs to contact a lawyer and file for full custody. Contact your local bar association, they have references. Or ask friends and family for recommendations.
Good Luck
He couldn't keep her overnight when he was living with his parents because it was not his house, he had no say. She also didn't have a place to sleep and it was decided that having her sleep in a stable home where she had her own bed room was in her best interests.
Even though she didn't sleep under the same roof with him, did NOT make him any less of a parent. He still provided for her, took her to doctors appointments, picked her up from her daycare etc. I think that's a very unfair judgement to make.
Thank you for all for the ladies that offered helpful insight!
You are making excuses for him. He was 19, not 16. He had options, he chose not to exercise them.
Now you may think I'm just a mean old biitch, talking smack about a wonderful man that I don't know. Fine but that's not my point here. My point isn't to merely trash him. It's to point out that he has been failing his kid as a father and to hopefully light a fire under his to change it. He has a child and he's not made her care a priority in his life. You may not think it's a fair judgement but so far, it's an accurate one.
He needs to get a lawyer now. And if you think I'm a mean old heifer for saying this, wait until a lawyer gets a hold of him. He better hope neither the birth mother or the grandparents fight him on this or he'll be explaining the same points we're asking to a judge and honestly, I don't know if he'll win if his excuses are anything like the ones you've give us today.
I really hope you'll give lots of thought to what we're saying here. It's something you guys need to think about before you pursue custody. If he can't step up as a father, then maybe this child is better off with her grandparents but with a legal guardianship in place so her mama can't just show up and drag her off when the mood strikes her.
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Good luck with the lawyer then.
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This!
OP, regarding the point you made about DH deciding to move to a 2 bedroom apartment so SD could spend the night. I don't believe for a second that decision had anything to do with SD ... it's because you are having a new baby, right? Were you planning to move again before baby, or is SD sharing a room?
The courts might ask a lot of questions you won't want to answer. Excuses aren't going to work either.
Because parenting happens when a child is not awake too. Parenting happens when a child wakes up in the middle of the night scares or after peeling in their bed and someone needs to change it. Parenting happens when you put your kid in pajamas and you sing and read to them to get them to sleep. Parenting happens when you have to give your child breathing treatments in the middle of the night. So if you are never there at night you are a babysitter.
There's a LOT of Bitter Bettie's replying to the original post. Whatever the circumstances were in the past, it looks like your husband did the best he could and is trying to do what he can to remedy the current situation.
Laws vary by state but I would suggest approaching the mother about signing a consent order which would transfer custody from her to him. If she refuses, file a motion. Do you need a lawyer? Maybe. But many states offer free legal advice (Google "Legal Aid Society"). Also, many courts offer "motion kits" that guide litigants through the steps of filing a motion pro se (without legal representation). If you can afford it, it's worth hiring an attorney. They're experts and can guide you through the process and advise you if it "gets ugly".
Good luck to you and your husband.