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October 2012 Moms
Ziegeficker
member
Disagreements about TTC 2nd?
Ziegeficker
member
DH and I are having a slight disagreement about when to TTC our second. He is worried about having kids too late in life (he's 30), and I am worried about possibly losing my mind if we have another too soon. He wants to start trying again this October when LO turns one.
I would prefer to wait until LO turns two, but DH is right that trying again in a few months would fit in better with our overall long-term and short-term goals. And if we decided we wanted a third, well, let's just say that the sooner we get it all done, the better. My concerns are just that I have no idea how we'd afford daycare for two young babies, and I'm also terrified that I'd go batty taking care of a newborn and a toddler. I am not the SAHM type, so either I would have to become that type or we would need to keep them both in daycare, basically eliminating my take-home salary.
I am kind of on board with just going ahead with TTC in October because I know we could make it work financially (it'd be tight), but we can never compensate for lost time. I also tend to hesitate overall and make too many decisions based on fear. We both want the second baby, we're just in a bit of a disagreement as to when that should happen. So, Oct12, what are your thoughts? I know it's up to us ultimately, and who knows if we will even be able to conceive right away, but I am interested in hearing other perspectives. I know we have some "older" moms on here as well as moms of multiple young kids.
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Re: Disagreements about TTC 2nd?
wait, he's only 30? How many do you want to have?
You have a solid 10-12 years of trying
Yep, this is my argument. I maintain that 30 is pretty young, especially for a guy. But I think both of us lean toward wanting to have them sooner rather than later. I just didn't realize he meant this soon.
We had planned to have a second and discuss at that point about having a third. But I wanted the third (if he or she is to exist) to be spaced out a little greater than the first two for a few reasons, mostly financial.
How old are you?
My husband is on board with me - we plan on TTC about a year from now, assuming life doesn't throw too many curve balls at us.
I am 28. Not really feeling old by any means, but when I start to think about my age in respect to how old we will be when our future youngest is 18 years old, I start to feel the pinch.
That means something coming from a mama of twins!
I'm leaning toward the going for it, but I think I'm just nervous about handling another child.
Maybe I should add that we live a few states away from our families, and the lack of familial support in our area is weighing heavily on my potential enthusiasm for moving forward with this plan.
I have always been in this camp, and I agree whole-heartedly. Definitely not knocking any ladies who try later in their life, but it was scary enough going through a healthy pregnancy at a younger age. And also with youth comes energy, which I will need if I want to bring any more kids into this equation.
I probably should have started having kids younger than I did. Everyone told me to wait until I was financially stable or ahead of the game, but very few people I know landed a job with a decent salary in their 20s. Having kids later makes sense to people with career trajectories and goals, but I came out of college pretty confused and have spent the last few years basically doing the same thing. In other words, I could have had a four year-old by now and would have virtually been in the same place vocationally speaking. My dad, for example, had his kids young, so he had them out of the house when he was relatively young and spry but old enough to be further along in his career and thus better off financially. I have probably digressed quite a bit with this, but it is to your point, mbm, that I am leaning towards just taking a hit now so that I can get all this baby makin' out of the way.
You are definitely right about keeping an open mind. This discussion between DH and I is in its infancy, and there are a lot of things that even he says will disrupt this tentative plan to TTC in October.
I'm in the wait longer camp. Not only do you need to think about having two small children in the house, but you've also got to think about being pregnant while you have a small baby.
And not having family close by is a biggie! You will probably appreciate your LO being a bit more independent when you have a newborn.
I'd love a 3 to 4 year gap, but I am 36, so time is certainly not on my side. :-(
DH and I really wanted kids young (done having all that we plan before DH is 30, he is 26 now), so I understand where your H is coming from. However, I realize 30 is still young, and there's definitely still time to keep having them. My reasoning for wanting them earlier is bc my dad was 40 when I was born, and I just feel like he is an old geezer. He has definitely been fun, but I wish he was younger. I want my kids to have plenty of time to enjoy their grandpa!
I am in the "wait and see how you feel in October" group. If you still are wanting to wait, then no harm done. Your husband is still young, you are young, and LO is still young.
I had DD1 at 30 and DD2 at 34, so I don't think being 30 is an issue at all! that's when most of my friends started too. Things are VERY different now a days. Most people consider "older" parents to be in their early 40s.
I personally wouldn't want to (and couldn't) handle two under 2. 2 in diapers, paying for 2 infants in daycare, chasing after everyone, all the crying and sleepless nights. Plus when DD1 just started to walk, I was constantly running around after her, trying to stop her from getting into everything. It was very physically demanding. If I had to deal with that while I was pregnant, I don't think I'd be able to do it. It was hard enough when I was chasing after a 2 1/2 year old, but she was starting to be self sufficient, she knew her limitations and she was already potty trained.
all of this
I was 33 when E was born and would like 1, maybe 2, more. We're not even considering TTC now. No way do I want 2 under 2, I would feel terrible to do that to E. My mom did that and my brother and I did NOT get along (I realize that this isn't always the case).
Where I live I am a young mom. People would look at you with 2 heads if you were concerned with being old at 30. If you were 35 and wanted 3 kids that would be one thing.
Oh and I have more than one friend who had 3 kids, first at 37. Another friend had first at 40, second at 42...
as for being tired bc of being "old" - do I still feel 22? No. But do I feel any "older" than I did at say, 29? No way!
This was my biggest argument for waiting. All of the bolded and especially the underlined. I wonder if this situation for us will be like when we took our first flight with LO -- Up until that point, DH was telling me it was no big deal and that I should consider taking LO with me on a quick weekend trip out to Texas to photograph my cousin's wedding. And then, as we buckled ourselves in for the very first flight of four to visit family on the east coast, DH turned to me and said, "I'll just keep LO while you fly to Texas. This is a huge pain in the @ss."
I would like to reiterate that I personally don't feel like 30 is old, and I know that we have plenty of viable years left for TTC. But I think both DH and I are on board that we would rather have them younger rather than older just for a variety of personal reasons that many PPs have already mentioned...it is just a personal choice for us, and I am in no way saying or even feeling like our time is up. My struggle, I guess, is should I sacrifice a sliver or two of my sanity for that reason alone? Having two young children is going to be rough, no doubt about that -- especially with no family nearby. But I'm weighing my options...Do I want to have them younger like we previously wanted, or do I want to space them out for my own convenience? There are a handful of pros and cons to both of these options, and I really appreciate hearing everyone's input on this.
All of this is part of the reason DH wants to go for it so soon. He is convinced that 2 years apart is the magical number to create a strong bond between siblings. I argue that that is somewhat arbitrary, but stories like yours are prevalent in his family as well, and I can see why he would want to make that happen in our new family.
I don't have a lot of close friends that are having babies right now, but I have a good friend who had her kids very young, so they are already 10 and 12. And a lot of my acquaintances are just now thinking of having kids, so I imagine they might be well on their way by the time we decide to TTC our second. We are also on the precipice of a huge decision regarding where we are going to move that may or may not include bringing MIL up here to live with us (a good thing, we have a great relationship). There is a lot of stuff up in the air right now, so I am definitely on board with seeing how things unfold as October nears.
Good luck to you two! Fertility treatments are so emotionally and physically taxing.