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connors birthday approaching

Brayden&ConnorsMommyBrayden&ConnorsMommy
in Late Term and Child Loss
Hey everyone. Haven't been on in a while. I posted updates to my last couple of posts several months ago. I lost my son Connor to SIDS at nearly 15 months old and then got pregnant a few months later. I m/c that baby at 11.5 weeks. Fast forward to today and my son Connors birthday is coming up June 2. He should be turning two. I am having such a hard time and my eyes sting constantly from tears behind them. Things are slightly better than they were right after the m/c in January. My emotions were insane then. But his birthday coming up is just haunting me. We are doing a memorial walk for him on Saturday and it will be such a wonderful/emotional day. Just got connected through a mutual friend with someone who lost her husband in the line of duty two years ago and her 2 year old son last year. Hard to find people who understand. My other son is starting kindergarten in the fall and I am having serious anxiety about it. I'll be alone all day I am a SAHM and it should have been my special time with Connor. I actually had a friend tell me I should be looking forward to the peace and quiet. That drove me nuts. I dont want peace and quiet.. I want a house full of screaming kids lol or at least my precious Connor screaming! The quiet is when I grieve most. Like car rides. Oh my thoughts really wonder then. I hate quiet alone time. All I want to do is cry then. I need to stay busy. Sorry ladies..this is my venting. Needed to get it out. Thanks for listening!
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Re: connors birthday approaching

  • shandorfml2shandorfml2 member
    lots of hugs for you!!! so sorry for your loss

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  • jess123456jess123456 member
    Huge hugs to you. I am so very sorry for the loss your sweet Connor and also for your other loss too. Please don't feel sorry for venting. We are always here for you. I can't imagine how you must feel with his birthday approaching and your older son going to kindergarten. I know that nothing can fill that silence of having no child physically home during the day. However, there is a woman in my support group who is also a SAHM with a school-age child and uses some of that time to pursue a passion of her's and she volunteers for a local organization. It has brought her so much joy and has helped keep her busy and distracted too. I know that she really looks forward to it as well.
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  • pottermommypottermommy member

    Huge hugs honey, I think of Connor often. 

    That first birthday without them is so hard, I remember when Kam was supposed to turn three and I had officially celebrated more birthdays of hers without her than with her, I nearly lost my mind.

    I try and remind myself, and I know it is hard.  The day of their birth should always be celebrated.  It was one of the happiest days of your life, you brought one of the most amazing people into this world on that day, if he was here there would be cake and balloons and music and celebration.  So on his birthday celebrate his life. 

    Do not let the sorrow of his death overshadow the life the he had.  Celebrate that amazing perfect spirit that Connor held.  I know it is hard, and it will be tinged with sadness, and grief.  But when I celebrate Kamryn on her birthday I find that I feel better after the day, I don't feel like I let her down, I feel like I was doing just what I should have been doing for her.

    Huge huge hugs, and lots of love.

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