Does your child have a different last name than you?

wainbow · May 2013

Hi Moms!

For a variety of personal and professional reasons I opted to keep my last name when I got married. Other than the occasional mis-addressing of a holiday card, it's been fine.

But anyday now I'll be a mommy and I realized that my daughter will have a different last name. Now I'm reconsidering taking my husband's name.

I'd love to hear from other moms in this situation. Have you faced any confusion or challenges because you had a different last name from your child?

EastCoastBride · May 2013

I have the same last name, but I have quite a few friends who don't. For the most part, most of them have had little issue with it. It's not that uncommon anymore and people (schools, doctors, etc) are used to it.

However, they've all - at some point or another - been called Mrs DHs last name. Most of them aren't bothered by this. If that wouldn't bother you, then I don't know that I see this as a reason why you need to go through the hoops of changing your name.

But - if you really want to have the same last name, then do it. I'm not trying to convince yo ueither way. I just know, though, that for most of my different last name friends, it hasn't been a huge issue.

rubber_chicken · May 2013

I kept my maiden name and my daughter has my husband's last name. It hasn't been an issue. When I make appointments at the dr's office, I have to remember it's under HER name, not mine, but that's no biggie.

kristennd · May 2013

I've been married three years and have kept my maiden name.

If that ends up being a major issue with schools, doctors, etc, I'm open to reconsidering, but I'm waiting until there is an actual problem.

I do have friends who have found it inconvenient, but not enough to change. One unexpected challenge is on airplanes. They're more likely to reassign your kid to a seat in a different row than yours if there is a different name.

Nita14701 · May 2013

On my SS card, passport , drivers license, her dr's offices and daycare I hypenate. For work, I never ended up changing anything and I never changed anything with my credit cards.

Huahine · May 2013

I kept my maiden name.

LO's name is:

(first name) (middle name) (second middle name = my maiden name) (DH's last name)

So my last name and DH's last name both appear on LO's passport and birth certificate to facilitate things with airlines, Customs and Immigration (we travel often).

I don't hyphenate or expect him to use both names on a regular basis. I figure it doesn't matter at all what my last name is in his world - I will always be referred to as "(LO's first name)'s mommy" or "Ms. (my first name)."

Unknown · May 2013

This content has been removed.

shannm · May 2013

Yes, my children have a different last name. It is fairly common in our circle and it hasn't been a big deal. For social things, I am fine with using my DH's last name so I don't care at all if a holiday card comes addressed like that.

MomtobeNJ · May 2013

It's a very personal decision, so I'm sure people will have different opinions on this matter.

When I got married, I really did not want to change my name but it was important to DH. So we compromised and I made my maiden name my middle name (dropped my original middle name altogether) and took his last name.

Now that we have the baby, I am absolutely glad I did this. I would not feel right having a different last name than my daughter.

Leap08 · May 2013

Nita14701:
On my SS card, passport , drivers license, her dr's offices and daycare I hypenate. For work, I never ended up changing anything and I never changed anything with my credit cards.

This is almost exactly what I have done. At work I use my maiden name. Legally, my name is hyphenated. At my kids' daycare and doctor, I use my husband's and kids' last last name. I sign things with my hyphenated names, which makes my name really long. That's the only downside and something I kind of wish I had thought about before I changed it.

FemShep · May 2013

We actually have three names in our household, since DD1 is from my first marriage. I kept my name in both marriages.

We're FemShep Name1, MrShep Name2, LittlestDD Name2, OlderDD Name 3.

It hasn't been an issue at all. DD1 did ask which name DD2 would use, but she doesn't have any concerns about her sister or mom having a different last name. We haven't come across any confusion from teachers or anyone else-I think this is not an uncommon situation these days.

mb314 · May 2013

I changed my name legally to DH's (and not DS's), but use my maiden name professionally. A lot of my bank and credit card info is still in my maiden name. I kind of like choosing which name I use when - kind of keeping my life compartmentalized. But it can get confusing. I often times don't remember at doctor's appointments how I'm listed.

I have a lot of friends who didn't change their name and have kids. Most people don't bat an eye, particularly in more urban areas. But please don't be one of those people who get bent out of shape if you're called Mrs. DH's name.

wainbow · May 2013

Wow, thanks for all the great input ladies!

Especially the airplane comment, I hadn't even thought of that!

I think I will keep my name for now but if it does become an issue later I am open to changing it.

litzo27 · May 2013

I didn't change my name. My sons have DH's name obviously. Doesn't really bother me. I've been a XX for 27 years before I got married and it felt a bit like giving up my identity to change the name (plus I had professional reasons - a publication).

But then again both my brother and I grew with a last name different from both mom's name (she kept her maiden) and dad's name (he is our stepdad and we have our biological dad's name) and I never thought twice about it except when I had to explain to the postman that yes, all three, of those names reside at this address. And yes we are a well adjusted family

Jenn06L80 · May 2013

I was married for 7 years before I took my husband's last name. I decided to do it shortly after DD was born. I ended up wanting all of us to have the same last name. My name has been changed for about 7 months now and people still use my maiden name at work!

emberlee3 · May 2013

I kept my name when I got married. The kids have DH's last name. It has not been an issue. It is pretty common among my friends and colleagues because I am a physician.

semdkm · May 2013

Slightly different than your situation in that I have my maiden name, my husband his, and our kids have hyphenated last names. We have had issues but only ridiculous ones--like the pedi taking issue with the fact that our kids' names are hyphenated or others making judgements about me because I wanted the kids' names to include both of ours, with equal prominance. Why does anyone care??? I thought it might present a small issue when school started, but nope-my daughter writes her entire hyphenated last name in Kindergarten and doesn't question it. To my knowledge, no one has given her a hard time. It's kind of funny when someone calls my husband Mr. X-X, but I can't say that's an issue.

kmz885 · May 2013

I work at a daycare and there are A LOT of married mothers who have kept their maiden name but their children have the same last name as the dad. It doesn't seem to be a big deal. I think it's quite common these days anyway with the different family scenarios out there now.

SummerOH · May 2013

I still have my maiden name. DD's last name is the same as mine, DS's is the same as DH's. It doesn't bother me, but I do get some weird looks every now and then. People assume since I have a wedding ring that my name will be the same as DS's.

It's quite common for kids to have different last names than their mothers, married or not.

My MIL was apoplectic when she thought I was going to hyphenate my name. DH told her to simma down, bless his heart. She'd have a heart attack if she knew I never ended up changing it at all.

I'm glad you started this thread! Makes me feel better about it.

itsmevkb · May 2013

I tacked my husband's last name onto my own, so think Kelly Smith Jones. At work I use both names, all my checking account and credit card stuff has just my maiden name and with the kid's school I use just my husband's last name so that it matches the kid's last name.

Bella427 · May 2013

Our kids have DH's last name. It's common in our circle, as is the whole family (or just the kids) being hyphenated. I don't mind going by their last name socially; I don't make a point of correcting the pedi, daycare, etc. I kind of like that work is a completely separate identity for me, last name included!

KL777 · May 2013

We have the same last name.

NicoleWI · May 2013

If you feel strongly about keeping your name, you can certainly do it and most likely just have some small annoyances. But, I really am glad I changed my name and it's worked out for me.

I kept my maiden name until we were expecting DD and then changed it shortly before she was born. I kept my maiden as a second middle name. I still use my maiden name at work. Even though I felt really weird about changing my name, and many of my friends were not changing their names, when we were having DD I just felt like ultimately I wanted us to be a clear family unit with the same name. Now, with three kids, I really do like having the same last name as my kids. It's just easier and cleaner for me and I think it's easier for them to understand. My biggest point is that once I got used to the change, it's been No Big Deal. Not at all. I don't feel bad about it, I don't feel any loss of identity, I don't feel conflicted. It didn't have to be the giant decision I made it into because it all worked out to be totally fine.

I guess it just comes down to what's most important to you. But if you do want to all have the same name, I can say that for me, it wasn't a hard transition at all and definitely felt like the right choice for me. I think I would have been more conflicted about not changing (and wondering if I still should/would) than I was by just taking the plunge and doing it.

Smgrochowski · May 2013

As a middle school teacher, I'll tell you that we sometimes are confused about the relationship if the last names are different. With 100 students, I can't remember all the file information (and not all the information is there anyway). Some contacts I've had were moms, step moms, aunts, grandmothers, foster moms, etc. Really, it's not a problem, but when the last names match we feel more confident in assuming we're talking to the mother.

nosoup4u · May 2013

I've taught for 10+ years, and I have never thought twice about a kid who has a different last name than their mom, it's quite common, IMO.

FWIW, I kept my name when I got married, and our kids have hyphenated last names. I have totally had grouchy receptionists complain about the length, or that they don't "do" hyphens, siiiiigh. Anyhoo, different last names in the same family is the wave of the future!

jiffy-pop · May 2013

Could you legally change your last name but for professional reasons still sign documents and be called by your maiden name at your office?

Edit to add my backstory: I was always the odd one out in my family. My mom divorced my bio dad when I was a year old so she went back to her maiden name even though I still had his last name. When my mom remarried when I was 5, she took the new husband's last name and he had a son with the same last name. So I was the only one out of a family of 4 who had a different last name. I never said anything but it always bothered me and I didn't realize that it bothered me as a child until I got older. Now that I look back at that, I remember how I wished I had a normal family...but "normal" now isn't the same as "normal" then.

ljanette85 · May 2013

Different last names and so far no problem!

Ms.Jade · May 2013

I've always been hyphenated but it bothered me to essentially have a different last name so since she's come along I've just been using DH's last name which is fine. Legally I'm still hyphenated, but for the pediatrician etc. I'm not. I'll be honest and say that race played a part in this. I'm black, DH is white, and E is very pale. I was sick of the questions both silent and overt, "Are you married?" or a look between the two of us asking if we're together, so I dropped my last name.

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