Communication with BM

carebear939 · May 2013

I have a 6 yo SD and we split custody with her mom 2 week on 2 off. This has worked great until this year when she started Kindergarten. Since school began her mother doesn't think she is getting enough time with her so she keeps her out of school at least 1 day a week to "hang out". Now my SD is falling behind and thinks it is ok to skip school. I have always tried to stay in the background and let DH and BM make the decisions. They have always got along well, but lately BM has been very snippy with DH and he now just avoids talking to her because he knows how the conversation will go. I don't know if I should try to step in. I fear that if I do it will cause more issues, but some things have gotten out of control, and a lot of the issues affect me too. Just want some advice on what my role should be. It's hard feeling like you can't do anything.

bosoxy · May 2013

No! Do not step in. Your DH needs to handle this and handle this now. What a ridiculous idea this BM has. If DH can't man up and talk to her, he needs to talk with a lawyer.

bebe11 · May 2013

I would NOT step in, not unless BM approaches you first. If you do, it will more than likely get worse.

carebear939 · May 2013

Thanks everyone. That is want I was thinking too. Things are just getting ridiculous. BM is very nice, but she has never grown up and still acts like she is 20. She honestly thinks taking SD out of school once a week is ok. When DH talks to her she just tells him its none of his business. Of course it is his business it's his child. We have talked to the school and while they agree it is a problem they essentially won't do anything but make a comment on her report card. We have been documenting every absence and will take it to court if we need to. We don't want to take away time with her mom but that might be what it comes down to if she continues to impact her education.

dmndsr4eva · May 2013

Stay out of it. If your DH has a problem with what is going on HE needs to be the one to take action. It is his responsiblity. Of course you can support him in whatever he decides to do, but ultimately he needs to be calling the shots.

caden1206 · May 2013

carebear939:
Thanks everyone. That is want I was thinking too. Things are just getting ridiculous. BM is very nice, but she has never grown up and still acts like she is 20. She honestly thinks taking SD out of school once a week is ok. When DH talks to her she just tells him its none of his business. Of course it is his business it's his child. We have talked to the school and while they agree it is a problem they essentially won't do anything but make a comment on her report card. We have been documenting every absence and will take it to court if we need to. We don't want to take away time with her mom but that might be what it comes down to if she continues to impact her education.

I am a little confused about this. I was under the impression that truancy laws would apply. If the mother was taking her daughter out of school each week for a day, the school and the courts would get involved. That would add up to way more absence then allowed. I really don't even think you or your DH will even have to get involved because the schools will normally start that ball rolling. Please clarify for me why she has been able to take her daughter out of school for a day each week without ramifications from the school? Otherwise, I really don't find this story believable.

squeaks521 · May 2013

(((HUGS))) I have totally been there. My SD (8) missed 17 days of school last year. The real kicker is we had her Tues,Wed, Thurs. And none of those days were absences... This year she hit the "limit" halfway through the school year and now the school only will allow absences with a dr note. BM is pissed but SD has not missed a single day since then. In our case BM was saying SD was "sick" and when SD would come over she would say again and again how she felt like she had the sniffles and needed to stay home.

My advice, stay out of it. Allow DH to do his thing. Support him and let him know you only care about SD wellbeing.

toomanycats1 · May 2013

I have a kindergartener and I can tell you that most of the kids in his class have been absent at least 1015 days so far. The ones that haven't, probably went to school sick. It's full day kindergarten, and it really wears the kids out. The stomach flu has gone through the classroom twice, as have at least 3 cold strains, pink eye and the Norwalk virus.

I used to sideeye my SIL for my nephew being absent all the time, and wondered how that was possible. Now I see that school kids get sick... a lot.

If my kid is sick he stays home. They don't want the kids at school if they are ill and most adults don't go to work sick, so why should kids?

Maybe she is home sick and her mom comforts her by saying they will hang out together? You really don't know, and one thing I do know is that 5 year olds are not reliable sources.

carebear939 · May 2013

Truancy laws don't apply in this situation, because K is not a required grade in my state. Also since our custody agreement is 2 weeks/2 weeks, she is missing 2 days a month, so although DH and I noticed it and have been talking to BM throughout the year, the teacher and school haven't seen it as a problem until she missed 15 days, earlier this month. Sorry my story isn't "believable" enough for you.

Thank you to everyone else for the support with the situation. DH had another meeting with the teacher yesterday and BM surprisingly showed up. We are hoping for an improvement, although since there are only 2 weeks left in the school year we will have to wait until next year to see.

caden1206 · May 2013

carebear939:
Truancy laws don't apply in this situation, because K is not a required grade in my state. nbsp;Also since our custody agreement is 2 weeks/2 weeks, she is missing 2 days a month, so although DH and I noticed it and have been talking to BM throughout the year, the teacher and school haven't seen it as a problem until she missed 15 days, earlier this month. nbsp;Sorry my story isn't "believable" enough for you. Thank you to everyone else for the support with the situation. nbsp;DH had another meeting with the teacher yesterday and BM surprisingly showed up. nbsp;We are hoping for an improvement, although since there are only 2 weeks left in the school year we will have to wait until next year to see. nbsp;

If truancy laws do not apply in your state then her mother is doing nothing wrong. She has every right to maximize her time with her child.

hindsight's_a_biotch · May 2013

You shouldn't step in, no. But mr man needs to grow a pair. I mean really, he's content to let his daughter skip days of school because he doesn't want to deal with the hot mess? And yes, I said I'd pay $30 to avoid exh's silly wife but not when it comes to things that are harmful.

What's his game plan here? I mean this isn't good precedence, kwim?

ballmom · May 2013

I would talk to the school about that. Even though K is not required here, once they are enrolled in school, school rules and truancy are enforced.

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