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Stay at Home Moms
Socialworkgirl
member
DH and DD (long)
Socialworkgirl
member
Short story: I'm frustrated because DH thinks he can't put DD to bed or down for naps so it really prevents me from being able to go anywhere for more than 3 hours by myself.
Back story: DH is a great husband and father, really tries to do his part, etc. He grocery shops, picks up the house anytime he is home when it is messy, and does several other chores. He also will do anything with DD that I ask him to do (except put her to bed) and despite a really bad commute, he really tries hard to spend as much time with her as he can every day.
However, since she was a couple months old, I have done 99% of the putting her to sleep. It was natural I would do more of it since I stay at home. After awhile, most of the times that DH did try to put DD to sleep, it would be really hard because she was used to me so we just decided I would do all of it.
He has also always gotten really frustrated when DD cries or is fussy because she is sleepy and he can't calm her down, especially if I am not at home. For several months, I did not leave the 2 of them alone at home because the few times I had gone somewhere, they were both a mess when I got home. DH would get really angry when he just couldn't get her to calm down so we both decided it was better if I didn't go out alone for the time being--this was probably when she was like 2-4 months old. This was fine with me. As she has gotten a little older and DH feels more confident taking care of her, I will go somewhere by myself occasionally, usually a church meeting. He will usually give me a hard time about it, jokingly, but it still bugs me that he does it.
When we decided to do sleep training, DH was on vacation and we split putting her to bed about 50/50 and I thought and even said to him--great, we can maintain this so you will be able to put her to bed sometimes. But then, he went back to work and then avoided putting her to bed because he didn't want to be unsuccessful and for her to cry since things were going well with me putting her down.
I'm frustrated that it ALWAYS has to be me that puts DD down for EVERY nap and bedtime, especially because lately she will fight bedtime by sitting up in her crib over and over again, but I can deal with that. The biggest issue for me is that I can never go anywhere for more than 3 hours without DD. It is really important to me to continue participating in this church committee that I am on, but with driving time to and from the meetings, it is not possible for me to not miss putting DD down for a nap. The committee meets approximately once per month. I can participate in meetings by phone, but I feel like I'm being a really good team player when I do that, ya know?
Does anyone have any tips for helping DH feel more confident taking care of DD? Anyone gone through anything like this? If you made it all the way through this, thank you!
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Re: DH and DD (long)
He needs to develop the skills to be able to care for her and put her down and to do that he has to DO IT.
I think you should probably talk it out and decide how this will be accomplished. Do you want to switch off nights and just let him figure it out? Let him do a few nights now and maybe have him ask for your guidance as he needs it?
I can tell you that I have friends who have been in similar situations and they became pretty resentful of being the only one able to properly care for their child(ren).
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A big part of it is probably confidence on his part. I didn't see if you are BF or not. Are you nursing before naps/bed? That can certainly make it more challenging for us H's to put them down.
I love reading to DS, and he gobbles up stories like nobodies business. The tricky part sometimes is convincing him to actually lay down when he's still having fun. But sometimes the time gap between him complaining and falling asleep is less than 2 minutes.
I guess my suggestion would be to simply ask him to try and let him figure out his own method. Also, let's stereotype men and say we love fixing problems. So instead of telling him to put your daughter to sleep, you could present it more as "I have this meeting I want to go to, but I feel like it would be difficult because it falls around DD's bed time". A lot of men would jump on that and say "Well, the obvious solution is for me to put her to bed". "Oh, I do you think that would work? I mean... if you could that would be great..."
i really appreciate you responding. DD is bottle fed and she isn't fed at bedtime. I like your suggestions and I will definitely try some version of what you have suggested. Thanks!
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Let them develop,their own routine. I'm the one that always did nap/bedtime because of DH's hours and on his two nights off bedtime was a total disaster. But I just kept having DH do it because otherwise DS never would've gotten used to it. Letting DH totally take control 2 nights a week and do things his way has worked great. There is just a difference between mom and dad for DS and what I do doesn't fly when dad tries to do it. So they do their own thing twice a week.
I'll admit it was hell for awhile because it seemed like those two nights DH was home totally threw DS off (and we still battle that issue) but it was never an option for DH to just decide he wasn't going to ever do nap or bedtime.
Before I went back I asked DH if he wanted to try bedtime while I was home. He always said maybe on such and such a day. Never happened. Then he decided he didn't want to try, he needed to just be in the moment and go with it. Well he didn't do anything like I do but they worked it out tear free. DH got DS down no problem.
We talked about how it might take a while, DS might fight him, there may be tears, so it might be best for him to expect a hard night and not watch the clock. He agreed he'd give it a really good, honest try but if it just wasn't going to happen, he'd save them both and just bring him back downstairs until I got home. We set a limit that he would try until 9pm, so two hours.
I think he has a huge confidence boost because both nights went well. And this is a situation where I have nursed DS to sleep every night of his life! Now that he knows he can do it successfully, I think on nights where DS eventually does challenge him, he won't feel like a failure, it's just a bad day for DS.
I think your husband just has to give it a whirl. Suspend any expectations you have about how he should do it. They'll have to get their own thing down. I'd definitely try to leave it so that you're not there. Your husband will just have to give it an honest shot. See what happens, you know? Then go from there.