So frustrated with DH and the whole TTC thing

Kat28655 · May 2013

So yesterday I got a + OPK. I had targeted 5 days that were "prime-time" on my chart and we'd hit 3 in a row. I was feeling very optimistic about our timing. Then DH expressed his lack of excitement. "again?" and when I came to bed he had headphones on and was totally disengaged. I went to sleep. Tried to get something going this morning, despite his continued bad attitude. "what about the last four days?" he says. "they don't count, it's the next 24 hours". Now, I know that sex on demand is not very, well, sexy. But I'm taking drugs and my temperature and peeing on tests and doing everything I can to be successful at this. Why can he not just be helpful? I am so angry/frustrated. I know I sounds like a b!tch. Any helpful feedback/perspective is welcome.

Sigh....

*sparky* · May 2013

I am sorry...DH is not good with sex on demand and sometimes I feel frustrated by it too. I don't have any advice - just commiseration - sometimes I can get him into it and sometimes I can't.

Kat28655 · May 2013

Thanks Sparky. I appreciate the commiseration!

cdb2013 · May 2013

I feel your pain! My DH is frustrating me lately (it could be that I'm just frustrated with the process) but ... I feel like lately he's so nonchalant about it and it's annoying me Sad

Jacque Sills · May 2013

Hi Kat,

Sounds like we are in the same boat....my typical fertility window started this last wednesday til Sunday, I have just started taking my temps again and just ran out to get some OPK tests, and just got a positive yesterday, so I got the same line of, 'what about last week, was that a waste of time? Ugh...don't we wish that they had to do all this stuff and we just sit around til we are asked to participate? I know that our guys have to be in the mood, as us....but, just frustrating....I know. Just looking for a team player...Lol.

And, no.....you are not sounding like a B****! Just annoyed with the situation. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

I have been trying to be more spontanious and not telling him when the OPK is positive and just nibble on his ears. That is one of his weaknesses. Maybe, just think back to when you first meet and how you both related...that is what I have been trying to do. Hopefully, that helps a bit.

Keep your chin up, as I have been trying to do...this IF stuff sucks, for sure.

Best wishes and good luck. Wishing you a BFP after all this work! Lol...

hooligans4 · May 2013

i read your post and thought to myself " i could have written the exact same thing".

from reading the feedback you are getting i think we are all in the same boat.

the only thing i try to do to make it not such a chore( can you imaging ever thinking sex could be a chore for a man!) is go for every other day. sperm can survive for 2 days. so instead of 5 days in a row. do every other day for your FW.

good luck

Kat28655 · May 2013

Thank you all for your understanding. It really helps that there are people out there who understand.

Lots of luck to us all!!

CheezeFace · May 2013

More commiserating here...and I'll tell you what worked for us the first time around.

I would casually mention early in my cycle when my FW should be. I'd kind of joke to lay off the beer on those nights then I would drop it.

When the time would come I wasn't like, "get over here and put a baby in my belly!" I would try to either treat it like any other time or spice it up a bit.

I never left my OPK's out, I never talked to him about my cervical mucus...to be fair to him, he would have listened and been kind to me about it but it isn't very sexy talk.

Is it fair that we have to chart, temp, analyze, inject, hope and wait while they only thing they have to do is have an orgasm? I would say not. SOme would say that I babied my DH but I prefer to think that I just made it easier to communicate my needs with him. If all the unsexiness of TTC or IF is in his face all the time, he's going to feel major pressure when his 'time' comes.

gscoville · May 2013

I totally understand feeling resentful that he's not 'cooperating'. I get that way too, my hubby is often just too tired to perform. I really do have to tell myself to cut him some slack, though, for a few reasons:

1. At our age, men just aren't always as able to perform on cue, or every day or even every other day. That's just how it is.

2. Sex for a guy is really in his head, if he's tired or feeling forced, that can totally affect his ability to finish. I think sometimes they know this and don't even want to start, because if they do start and can't finish, that's a huge blow to their ego. Pressure to perform does not help this at all, and knowing everything we women are doing to make our FW happen probably only makes that pressure worse. I know there have been many times where we've gone to have sex and hubby just couldn't finish. He feels like an absolute heel and I feel sorry for him and guilty for forcing him into that position. It's not a pretty picture, so I try not to ever put pressure on him if I can at all help it.

3. Try to imagine if you absolutely HAD to orgasm in order to get pregnant. I'm not saying my hubby doesn't make me big O on a regular basis, but there are just sometimes where it doesn't happen no matter what he does, no matter how hard I try. I think about this a lot. If I had to orgasm to get pregnant, I would probably be even less likely to experience an orgasm; women are probably even more susceptible to pressure to 'perform', sex is such a mind thing for us. If I HAD to big O to get KU, I probably never would. So, think of how he feels, he absolutely HAS to orgasm to get you pregnant. That's a huge weight of pressure on anyone!

*sparky* · May 2013

SuburbsMrs:

I think they are just taught from such an early age that any time they do the deed they could get a gal pregnant so now they feel like every shot should do it :-P

This made me LOL. I totally agree.

cyndilouwho77 · May 2013

Sorry I was lurking and felt that I should speak up and let you know what worked for me, we have had mc after mc so when we finally got very serious about having a baby he completely stopped participating like he should.

Sooooo I started hiding all my testing supplies and not talking about it at all....for some reason when the guys feel like they have to perform its no longer fun and their heads get all messed up and they cant perform. Since I got really good at predicting my ovulation I would slowing start teasing him a couple days before but not giving anything else up.....I got really good at kinda withholding things during down times so that he would start really wanting it. Once I teased him for a few days usually he couldn't keep his hands off me and it was easy to get him to do his part. I think the less the guys know the better....they just really want to enjoy the sex....they don't want to make it a job.

Good Luck To All

dragonfly711 · May 2013

You are not alone. We started TTC in dec. I told hubby since we are older. Me 39 him 41 it might take months of trying. We ended up getting pregnant right away. Had MC in feb.

We are now TTC again and he does not get we only get a few days to get busy and they are specific days. He does but not all the details. He hates having to perform on the spot. He told me not to tell him that it is time but to come out in an outfit. Nice night gown he will know what I want but I am not just saying lets go.

I am trying to work with him but it is hard when you are so focused and testing ect. But to be fair to him I will try and did this past week. Lol

jill867 · May 2013

I am so sorry. I know the feeling. We have been going through the same thing for a couple of years now. My husband was working nights so we would never see each other and now he works 3:15-11:45 at night.....when he gets home I am asleep and when I wake up in the morning, he is so out of it sleepy. I hope everything works out for the both of you really soon!

kabieber · May 2013

If you have your 5 target days, and you were on day 4 and you had sex on target days 1-3, you are probably still doing pretty good. In fact, depending on your dh's count and motility, taking a day off might be to your advantage as some studies show that your chances of getting pg are just as high if you have sex every other day in your fertile window as they are if you have sex daily -- and your chances are higher if you have sex every other day if your dh has any issues with count or motility.

I'd maybe give you both a night to relax and give it one last try on fertile window day #5 (tonight if I am reading this right).

Good luck to you!

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