- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
destinycochran1
member
Leaving the father while pregnant?
destinycochran1
member
It?s kind of a long story but if you could bear with me I would really appreciate some advice.
Last week I posted ?should expectant dads help pay pregnancy bills?? on the Dads forum because my boyfriend isn?t too keen on helping me with my prenatal expenses. I left the page up on my laptop yesterday when I was checking the replies and my boyfriend read it. He yelled at me for ?making him sound like a d*** on the internet?.
He yelled, I cried and then he yelled at me more because I wouldn?t stop crying and it was making him feel bad. He threw some stuff around in the house and punched a hole in a wall. He has never laid a finger on me and I don?t believe he ever will but it was a scary experience and I?m thinking about leaving. We argue a lot and I can?t take the stress of it anymore.
I don?t know if I should try to work things out with him or leave.
As some background: I?m 20, he will be 20 next month, we?ve been dating for only six months, I?m 17 weeks pregnant and we got a house together two months ago.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Leaving the father while pregnant?
punching a wall is not an acceptable response to a fight.
This! There is no excuse to punch a hole in the wall...
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Until then I had been living with my family and it is not a child friendly environment to say the least. I work full time but i'm also putting myself through college, I can't afford to live on my own, so moving in together was the only choice.
Until then I had been living with my family and it is not a child friendly environment to say the least. I work full time but i'm also putting myself through college, I can't afford to live on my own, so moving in together was the only choice.
I think he would be willing to do anger management.
This does not sound like a child-friendly environment either. Violent outbursts and a refusal to take financial responsibility don't add up to someone who is ready to be a partner and co-parent.
It sounds like your living situation is rough. If possible, can you go to your college and ask if they have help for young families seeking housing? Also make sure you are getting WIC benefits to help out with expenses. If it is at all possible for you to leave, I would do so. If you're not ready to break up, at least try to find somewhere else to live.
Baby Name Popularity by State
I use to work for the health and human services dept in my county and I would start there. Ask to speak with a case worker and go over some options. If you are on your own and obviously pregnant, you count as two people and the income limits are higher, not to mention that insurance wise, you are pretty much covered unless you make too much money. They can also help you with housing. It will be a section 8 type of thing and can help find a one or two bedroom apartment at a lower cost. I think that rent is based on how much money you make as well. There are also options for food stamps as well.
I usually dont just tell people to go apply for these types of things because more often than not they are abusing the system and it sucks. But from what you have said this is not a good environment for you or the baby and unless you have another family member you can go stay with that was not mentioned, then I would make it a point to get down to the office and start filling out the application(s).
Just because he has never hit you and you dont think he will doesnt mean he wont. If he freaked out because you were crying, imagine how he will be with a baby who cannot communicate his/her needs. Even if he goes to anger management, it may not work. I have seen people, both men and women, go through the course only to have even more outrageous outbursts.
This is good advise. Get as far from him as you can and make sure you pursue child support after your child is born. He was there for the fun and He can be there for responsibility too. I would also check into a protective order too, at least till he gets some anger management help.
MMC 01/26/12
MC 12/25/12, D&C 01/05/13
BFP 03/05/13, EDD 11/12/13. HB 175 @ 9w2d. Its a Girl!
DX with EA/TEF Type C & Tracheomalaysia
MC @ 13wks 01/15/15
BFP 1/11/18, EDD 9/21/18
I am really sorry.
However, you are young. Don't strap yourself to your BF out of fear that you can't make it on your own or because you are pregnant with his child.
1) He SHOULD be helping you pay for expenses. Especially, if you have a home together. It isn't a he pays for/she pays for arrangement. You should be a team.
2) My guess is that he is embarrassed (so should he be), because the replies indicated he was being less than responsible. Some people take constructive critcizm well and make changes. While others, punch holes in the wall and casts blame. Now, you know which one he is.
If you are a college student, there should be programs in your area available that offset housing costs. In college, I became good friends with a single mom who was working FT, going to school, and she was able to live in reduced-cost housing. They aren't always the most glamorous of places, but it was safe and clean.
Another option would be to ask a friend if they would be willing to co-rent an apt. with you.
Are both of you listed as homeowners? If you are and he isn't, I would make him leave and try to secure a trustworthy roomate. Your college should also be able to direct you to students looking for housing.
He's only 20 and has A LOT of growing to do, but you are young as well and have growing, it is NOT your responsibility to foster his growth. You will be better off when you learn you cannot change a man, no matter how much you want to or think you can. It is that mentality of "but I can fix him" that lead woman into years of heart ache.
LEAVE HIM. And remind him that you are doing so because he IS a D not just perceived as one on the Internet.
There are ALWAYS other options allllllways. But you have to be ready to walk away. I really hope you find that strength and respect for yourself and baby sooner or later.
Posting this question I think you know you need to leave and you knew everyone would say the same. You own this boy nothing and you don't need him. You are strong and baby will prove to you how incredibly strong you are. There are things worth fighting for, he isn't one of them.
Our thoughts are with you!
I was 22 when I got pregnant with my first, despite two forms of birth control, and it was probably the first time we ever slept together. I tried for a couple months to make it work, but I knew in my heart it wasn't going to. I ended it when I was 18 weeks along. He didn't communicate with me at all during the pregnancy and has very limited interaction with my son to this day. I am now 28 pregnant with my third married to a wonderful man who loves Gavin as if he were his own and I don't regret my decisions at all. When it was just me and my baby it wasn't easy, but having a newborn and being in a bad relationship would have been more difficult. I just focused on the two of us and we found our way.
Also, school, work, and pregnancy is hard, but I have been there too and it can be done. Just do what is best for you and your baby and the rest will work itself out.
There are far too many awesome people in the world to get tied down with a broken one. You may end up co-parenting with this one, but that does not mean you have to be with him too.
At 6 months, you don't know he won't hit you. Did you know he was violent enough to punch holes in walls?
Leave. You're not getting anything from this guy, and he's behaving badly. There's no reason to stay there, and if you think things will get better after there's a crying baby in the house, they won't.
Get support from wherever you can, and leave. Please.
"He threw some stuff around in the house and punched a hole in a wall. He has never laid a finger on me and I don?t believe he ever will but it was a scary experience and I?m thinking about leaving."
If he is yelling, throwing things and punching holes in the wall all in front of his pregnant wife, yes, he is capable of being violent towards you. It has only been six months, you are pregnant and he is displaying this behavior. What do you think the progression will be in five, ten years? You don't want to raise a child in a home setting like this.
He needs to seek therapy for his anger management issues and possibly be on medication. If he refuses to do that, I would leave and never look back. I know it's harder than it seems, and advice from a complete stranger on the Internet doesn't seem like much, but in my first marriage, my husband who sometimes would get angry before I was married to him and would do things like you are describing above turned into a physical and emotional abuser over time, and I am lucky to have gotten out of it before I was seriously injured. His parents had the same sort of relationship, and I really believe watching your parents fight like this/a parent being abused contributes to the effed up cycle of abuse.
I would RUN. You are too young to set your child and yourself up for a miserable future.
You have options now. You are pregnant, you may qualify for assistance. Check with your local health department and they can help you get medicaid and WIC. If your income is low enough (some states are more generous to single moms who are in school) then you may qualify for housing or monetary assistance.
If you qualify for medicaid you can use that on top of your insurance and it will pay whatever your insurance does not. I worked at an insurance company, coordinating insurance with medicaid for a while. Please get out of that situation. He is a ticking time bomb.
I'm thinking that you already know the answer to this question, but are turning to objective strangers for affirmation. If that's the case, you know what you need to do.
Your physical and emotional safety should come first. Others have given pretty solid advice on where to seek help. I am only responding to add that you should listen to your gut.
Holy eff.
I would leave him so fast it would make his head spin.
That behavior (screaming and punching things) is natural in a 6 year old, not a 19 year old soon-to-be father.
If he'll do it while you're pregnant, he'll do it after the baby is born - you don't want your kid witnessing that sh!t.
Leave him and file for a child support order as soon the baby is born. He shouldn't get to make a baby and not support it.
Thank you everybody for your support and solutions. I made a list of local anger management therapists and gave it to him. He?s staying at his parent?s house until further notice. I told him he?s not coming back until he can learn to control his temper and takes his fatherly duties seriously. I?m going to look into assistance programs around here and hope everything works out.
I think the very first thing you should be doing is signing up for Medi-Cal. Yes you are working but you are also paying rent and bills and FREE doctor's visits will help you out SO much. My boyfriend works full time and I've been inbetween jobs so there was no way we were able to budget visits and co-payments. Also, apply for food stamps. (I know pride may stop you from doing it but DO IT). Just apply to see what is available to you and if you are approved, then great. If not, you still have that job and income to fall back on. It doesn't hurt to see what kind of assistance you can get ESPECIALLY in a rocky relationship.
I don't think a 20 year old male can get his sh*t together by taking anger management courses. You already know what kind of a person he is. I'd start figuring out a plan JUST for you and the baby in case he doesn't work out.
Can I just say: GOOD FOR YOU. It's probably scary to do face this on your own- but you sound like a down to earth, strong individual. You'll make it work- as pp have said, there is so much out there in way of assistance, you'll be fine. I'd start applying now. DEFINITELY look into WIC and medicaid.
GL!
We're one and done!
Good for you for setting and maintaining your boundaries. You are a strong person and I give you a lot of credit. You and your baby are gonna be okay!
Bump burp
good. I really hope he can change. if not, don't take him back. ever.
This.