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Blended Families
MommyKristin88
member
VENT: My family is anti-step-fathers
MommyKristin88
member
This post doesn't have a question. It's just a vent, and I figured this would be a good place to do it.
I am pregnant with baby #2. My daughter's dad and I broke up when I was 6 months pregnant with her. I am not married to this baby's father, but we have been in a relationship for over 1 year, and I believe marriage will come soon. Anyway, my mom and grandmother are very upset that me and SO are moving in together. My apt lease ends next month, so we decided to get a place together to cut costs. Additionally, we plan to get married, and want to raise our child(ren) in one home, so this was a good option for us.
My mom and grandmother keep telling me that I am putting my daughter in danger by doing this. My mom was molested by her step-father as a child, so she has a sincere (yet almost understandable) hatred of step-fathers. She didn't want me to ever live with a man, unless I decide to get back with my daughter's father. Now that I will have 2 babies by 2 different men, she is adament that I never live with a man, since one of them will always be forced to live with a step-father.
My BF has not done anything to make me, or anyone else, think he will hurt my daughter (especially sexually!!). My mom and grandmother have even met him, and agree with me, but still feel that a person could hide their true intentions and it will come out later.
I am just really annoyed. I want my mom and grandmother to stop telling me that I am being a bad and irresponsible mom. My daughter is my world; if I felt like someone was around her that will hurt her I would immediately protect her. I just hate that they feel this way.
Like I said, I don't have any questions. Advice, experiences, or words of encouragement are always appreciated... Sorry this was so long!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: VENT: My family is anti-step-fathers
What happened to your mom is an awful thing, and it's understandable that it's coloring her perception of your situation. I'm sure your grandmother didn't think the man she married would abuse your mom. No one (I'd think?) marries someone thinking that person might abuse their kids.
Why not take this situation and give your mom and grandma some place positive to focus their energy? Ask what precautions they would suggest. Ask what a man would have to do to prove himself a safe and worthy father figure. Suggest that they help you by maintaining open communication with you and your children. Maybe suggest you all take a self defense class together?
I think you have to be understanding of their fear, but you can't let their fear define your life.
Thanks for replying! That's exactly how my childhood was. I totally understand why they feel that way, but I don't like being told I am a bad mom, because I don't 100% share their feelings. I did mention that even bio dads (and moms!) may do the same thing, so unfortunately, no child is completely safe even without a step-parent. I hope this gets better...
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
Thanks for replying. I just replied to someone about how even bio parents could be the violator. It is a very sad and scary situation, but I do not want my life to be governed by a fear of every parent (step and bio). I am going to keep talking to them about my view, and hopefully things will get better.
As for therapy, my mom never went. She is now 50, and the abuse happened between 10-12 years old. Even then she didn't want to go to therapy, and still refuses. She says she'll just pray and talk it over with God.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
You brought up some excellent points. I will definitely try to turn this into a more positive experience for all of us.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
I believe this decision is best for me and the children, so I'm confident it's the correct one. Thank you so much!!!!!
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
Thank you for replying! I try not to let their comments bother me so much, but it's hard. I will try to stay focused, and understand that I trust my instincts, my willingness to make changes if I need to, and that my BF is not the person my mom and grandmother expect him to become.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
To be honest, reading this I think that your mom and her mother haven't come to terms with what happened with your mom at the hands of her step-father. By saying "all men are bad," they can abdicate responsibility that THAT man was bad, and that if different choices were made your mother's situation could have been different (maybe there still would have been abuse, but not for as long, for example).
Yes, child molesters can be sneaky, but there are often signs that something is wrong....the child will start behaving differently, won't want to be alone with the molester, will start wetting the bed, having problmes in school. I'm wondering how many "signs" your grandma missed. I don't know how old your mother was - is it possible she tried to talk with your grandma about the situation, but your grandma ignored her? I am not trying to blame your grandma (and certainly not your mother!) for the sexual abuse, but their mutual extreme reaction is a red flag to me. Particularly since women who grow up with a strong male role model in their lives are more successful and make better romantic choices once they grow up.
I would do some research on child molestation. Educate yourself on what the signs are, how to talk with your child in an age-appropriate way about touching, boundries with adults, and create an environment where your DDs will feel they can talk to you about anything and you will have their back. That is a better defense against molestation than you refusing to marry - - after all, your daughters will be exposed to men through school, clubs, sports, the parents of their friends, neighbors, etc.
Ultimately, your mother and grandma don't get to make life choices for you.
This might seem a little extreme, but maybe a little family counseling would help. If you could get your mom in the same room with you and a neutral third party, maybe the therapist can help ease her fears about all stepdads being molesters. It might help her cope wirh some of the feelings and fear she has roo.
Otherwise, I would just suggest that you try to calmly discuss it with her and then tell her that while you appreciate her concern, you are making the best choice for your family and that the topic isn't up for discussion anymore. While I understand that your mom and grandma are trying to help, it isn't really reasonable to suggest that you live the next 18 years alone until your kids are out of the house because even that isn't a fool proof plan to protect them. I feel for your mom for what she went through and I can't imagine how devastating and scary that would be. She is giving you advice and trying to be helpful but I imagine that is frustrating as well. Good luck!
Thank you for replying! My mom says that she told my grandmother multiple times, but nothing happened. The abuse eventually stopped when my mom reported it to her grandparents, and they took the appropriate steps (alerting authorities, removing my mom from my grandmother's home, etc). This could definitely be impacting their current feelings.
I have done a little research on child abuse, and talking to kids about it, but I will continue to do more. I paid for a criminal background check on my SO when we 1st got together, so I know he doesn't have a history of any abuse (well, reported abuse).
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
Thank you for the advice! My mom is anti-counseling, so I know she won't go. I will continue to try to talk to them though, and assure them that I am doing everything I can to protect my daughter. Hopefully they will start to understand.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
Your mother has not come to terms with what happened to her. Plain and simple. If you are seriously ready to make this step in your life, then you have to be able to tune out the negative in your life. If you can't, then you need to cut it out of your life. It probably sounds harsh, but it will cause serious problems for your relationship and the family you are trying to build if you allow this negativity. You have to lay down the law and make sure that everyone knows what you will not tolerate. If your family is important to you, then you need to create a united front with your BF. Otherwise, your mother will create a rift between you and not stop until she has ripped you apart.
I couldn't agree more. I think your family's issue is less about the molestation she suffered, and more about control, period. It sounds like they believe the only "right" choices for you are the ones they themselves would make, and that's not healthy. Your mom has refused counseling, and your grandmother has rejected responsibility for the role she played in the (continued) abuse. I don't think either of them are in any position to dictate how you should live your life and what will or won't make you and your daughter happy and safe.
Speaking from experience, I would not allow your mother and grandmother to have this level of control over your personal decisions. This is a serious step you are taking with your boyfriend, and it appears that you are taking it on in a sober and level-headed manner. It also appears that your opinions, desires, and autonomy are not being respected by your family. I would draw clear boundaries with both your mother and grandmother, and if they weren't respected, I would cease communication.