NPR: Mixed feeling about first wedding anniversary...

Ktrue85 · May 2013

In going over my calendar to see what I can plan for H and I's first wedding anniversary, I discovered that it falls on the same day as Father's Day 6/16/13.

My father passed away last year after a brutal battle with brain, colon, and bone cancer in August, almost two months after our wedding. This will be the first year we celebrate a Father's Day without him.

DH bought me flowers and a card for Mother's Day this year that said, "Happy Mother's Day to the #1 Mom-To-Be". Totally unexpected, but I did love it.

So I'm torn. I want to be happy for our first anniversary, and to recognize Father's Day for my H, but I know I am going to be all over the place emotionally thinking about my dad an all those painful, long weeks that led up to his death. And how he will never know his first grandchild. He only knew of our two previous losses... I wish he could see me now.

I don't know what I'm really looking for here. I guess advice, opinions, suggestions. Anyone been where I am? I'm just in a funk and looking for some input.

Debbie downer out.

ETA: Fixed mobile typos

esf60 · May 2013

I'm so so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure it was an incredibly difficult situation, and still is. Could you celebrate your anni the day before or after and give yourself Father's Day to be sad? I'd want to do the same thing. hugs to you.

ETA: totally mistyped. i meant, celebrate Father's Day the day before or after.

2010weddinggal · May 2013

First hugs big ones, you get the right to feel sad you can commemorate your dad on fathers day and treat your father to be too. Get a cute onsie for your husband and a card, and for your father get a pretty candle and light it.

Mallyboomer · May 2013

Oh my heart hurts for you... that is so, so, so, hard.

Just feel what you're feeling. It's okay to just give DH a head's up that it's going to be rough (obviously he will understand why) and if postponing your anniversary/father's day celebrations for a week, or even a couple days, will allow you some time to let the emotion hit you and be accepted, instead of feeling swept under the rug --- do that.

amberpro · May 2013

(((((Hugs)))))

I'm so sorry It's going to be tough. Have you spoken to YH about your feelings and thoughts? Maybe you can find a way to honor your father together on that day? You can celebrate each other and celebrate him at the same time. I bet your husband is totally on board with a dual purpose day. Go for a walk, have a picnic, talk about fond memories and how far you've come this year. Visit his grave, read letters to each other, light a candle. There are all kinds of ways to celebrate his life and yours together.

KFED103 · May 2013

I'm so sorry about your dad. I would make some great 1st anniversary plans. It's a special anniversary and you can honor your dad with a moment at dinner or something. And in a way it might bring you closer to your hubby since he will be there to support you through such a difficult day. Knowing how good hubbys are...he will juat want to be there for you and I'm sure if you don't make a big deal about fathers day he will understand. :

MollySm · May 2013

I'm so sorry. I lost my parents 8 years ago in June, and this time of year can be hard. I have found that being pregnant and having a baby can help. I think of my parents on those days, but also of our excitement at becoming parents, and about how excited they would be for me. On Father's Day I talk about wonderful things my dad did with me as a child, and H talks with me about his plans with our children. It's still painful, but less so. I'm sorry for your loss.

lp0 · May 2013

I'm so sorry you lost your dad! I know it must be very difficult for you but I'm sure your dad would want you to celebrate and be happy on your first anniversary and your DH's first Father's Day. I think it's a great idea to take some time to honor your dad but don't miss out on celebrating your first anniversary, it only happens once.

zou bisou · May 2013

Tough stuff to sort through. If you're able to do it emotionally, try to celebrate these wonderful things, an anniversary, a baby. Celebrating would be a wonderful way to honor your dad.

sonrisa · May 2013

Big hugs.

My father died from a hard battle with cancer last year as well and that first father's day was tough. Can you celebrate your anniversary on a different day? (I find it easier to move joy than grief so that is why I'd suggest postponing the anniversary, not father's day). Take father's day slowly. Grieve as you need to.

When your child is born, you may find things about them remind you of you father, or things about they way you parent. He doesn't have to be here for your bond to grow through this baby.

katmb2013 · May 2013

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Second, I'm sure that if you talked to your DH, he would understand and want you to do whatever it is that will make you as happy as you can be in your situation. I hope that you are able to find peace with whatever you decide to do.

antiquegal81 · May 2013

Mallyboomer:
Oh my heart hurts for you... that is so, so, so, hard.
Just feel what you're feeling. It's okay to just give DH a head's up that it's going to be rough (obviously he will understand why) and if postponing your anniversary/father's day celebrations for a week, or even a couple days, will allow you some time to let the emotion hit you and be accepted, instead of feeling swept under the rug --- do that.

Hi there,

Many hugs to you- i am very sorry for your loss. My dad died unexpectedly last year about a week after Father's Day (and a week before my 31st birthday), so i have some idea of what you are going through. This year, as his death date approaches, it's been hard- i am pregnant 10w w/ my first child and he is not here to see it or meet them or teach them how to flip pancakes or make my grandmother's mac&cheese. Yes, i can do those things b/c he taught me, but still- it's not the same, KWIM?

Anyway, I just read your post and wanted you to know I think I get how u feel. My husband bought be Mommy-to-be sunflowers for Mother's Day and whether or not to do something for him as been on my mind too. But i agree with the person I quoted above- talk to DH and tell him what u are feeling. No sense trying to hide it- it will come out anyway. I like the idea of doing it the day before so he gets a little something and that way you don't have to feel overwhelmed on the actual day.

Anyway, many hugs to you on this. Peace & H&H 9mons!

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