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Special Needs
butterflygrooves
member
SN is hard vent
butterflygrooves
member
Disclaimer: I need to talk, I hope I don't offend anyone along the way.
My story feels so different from everyone else's on this board, I have a SN child but she isn't my bio child, I am choosing her. This one fact makes me feel like I am not allowed to be frustrated with all the hard stuff that comes along with raising a SN child.
Owl experienced a lot of trauma in the 18 months before she came to us, she was formally dx'd with PTSD a year ago, I'm not sure if she still meets the criteria today but we are living in what feels like a war zone and most days it sucks. On top of the PTSD we have encephalopathy, a very broad term the neuro is using because no one can figure out what the heck is wrong with her. The most recent dx of CP was unexpected but it doesn't make a difference, it's mild and it's always been there so let's just add it to the list of things that are wrong with Owl.
What's getting to me lately is the behavioral stuff, Owl thrives on attention and when we are working one on one with a therapist/Dr/EI, she is your average, playful 3 year old but as soon as those people are gone she shuts down. She doesn't like to share our attention with our other kids so she doesn't talk, doesn't play, doesn't follow direction so that we focus on her (negative or positive), I'm getting to my wits end.
Yesterday we went out for dinner, DW had taken the kids to get dessert as they finished their meals, this is the way we always handle dessert. We were talking to the big girls about their ice cream while we waited for Owl to finish her little pile of cheese (after a first cheese/then ice cream statement) she let out the snort/burp that comes along with her rumination, we were worried she would start throwing up in the restaurant and told her it wasn't okay, packed up and left. As we walked to the car I smelled dirty diaper, I checked the baby and she was clean then I saw that Owl's underwear were pooped. I had taken Owl to the bathroom literally five minutes before she pooped herself, she had gone pee and said she was done. I'm wondering if this was an accident (she knows how to say she has to go potty but refuses, she is fully potty trained) or if it was behavioral because she wasn't getting attention at the moment.
I let loose on our MHT and EI teacher yesterday (not about this incident but others like it) , not in a bad way but in a desperate, I need help way. We are going to meet with the BT again and see what she suggests, hopefully we can come up with a good plan because I'm grasping at straws here.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SN is hard vent
I don't agree that because you are choosing to raise Owl as your own that you are not entitled to be frustrated or vent about how hard raising a child with SN can be. You are giving this child an amazing gift, giving Owl the best chance at life that you can, but even when you choose to do it, it doesn't make the hard times any less hard.
One could also argue, that although my DS is my biological son, that I chose to become a Mom. And when you choose to become a Mom, no matter the method in which you get there, you choose whatever comes your way as a result.
I remember feeling this way when my DH was deployed overseas for 18 months. We chose to be a military family, yet I somehow felt that I couldn't/shouldn't complain when the deployment got tough because this is a lifestyle we chose.
I say screw that. Even if its something you chose, there are still hard times and you are still allowed to feel every emotion that comes down the pike.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I hope you get some strategies and progress soon.
Hugs.
Oh, butterfly and Spooko, I know the feeling that I "can't" vent about our difficulties because we chose to adopt a child with special needs...but I violently fight against it!
We ARE allowed to vent. In fact, it's venting that gives us the strength necessary to maintain our sanity and good-temper and refreshes us to give our best to our children. Venting is a very healthy process that enables us to put all the negativity outside ourselves and/or seek support.
I'm always wondering who's thinking, "but you asked for this" or "but you did this to yourselves" when I talk about our difficulties. But I've found that my true friends understand that just because I wanted to love and parent children who might not otherwise get the chance to grow up in a family does not make my raising children with special needs any easier than if I birthed them. I urge you to find people who similarly understand and can support you without judgement--if not in your circle of family and friends, then in counseling. We've been going to weekly appointments since adopting M, and having the validation of someone outside the family who understands both the attachment side (although peripherally) and the special needs side of it has been priceless.
Big hugs and support to both of you!