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NWMR: Relationship with Parents--vent

NicoleWINicoleWI member
in Working Moms

My relationship with my parents is going downhill. I love them dearly but every time they come, I end up feeling stressed out and frustrated. My brother and his wife have the same issues so at least I know it's not just me!

My mom is being very critical and also I think has anxiety problems. She doesn't seem to understand or respect my DH and we have had huge fights about that. He is totally fed up with them also, so I get it from both sides. Within MINUTES of walking into my house she invariably makes a comment about it being messy. ALWAYS. Even after I called her on it last week and told her it was an issue, she did it this weekend. "You can't do nanny interviews with the house like this! You'll scare people away." And for the record, it's not that bad! She is always talking about how stressed out she is for ME, and how I can't handle everything that's going on, and my DH should work fewer hours, and it's terrible that I have to leave the baby, "why do I want to leave her to go work? You have a BABY" (that ought to get this board going!) etc etc. I'm not that stressed! She is! But yes, I do have WAY too much going on right now. So what REALLY gets me, is that she will go on and on telling me "You need help! This is too much" but then when my parents actually have a chance to help, they don't do it. Just this weekend, they could have watched the kids to let DH and I get some things done, but they just wanted to get on the road early. Plus, she complains about not seeing the kids, but when she does see them, she doesn't seem interested in holding the baby or actually playing with the kids. Seems like she just wants to literally SEE them and then head out. My dad is better about playing, but half the time just turns on the TV right away to watch golf and never really wants to hang around and just visit. It's so frustrating.

We desperately do need help right now as we are moving and renovating a house and working but sadly, I am not sure it's even worth it to have them come and help. This situation makes me sad. Meanwhile, MIL is WONDERFUL and always making us dinners, having the kids over, telling us we're doing a great job. She really plays with the kids and they adore her. I'm sad that not only my relationship with my parents isn't what I'd expected, but also that they are turning out to be pretty lame grandparents so far as well.

I hope they can get their @#$ together before they miss out on this whole stage of life. 

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Re: NWMR: Relationship with Parents--vent

  • FabulousMrs.PFabulousMrs.P member

    First of all, I completely sympathize. We have gone through the same thing with DH's parents. Have you ever sat down with her and told her how the comments make you feel? Maybe she doesn't realize that she is so negative.

    If you have and it hasn't worked, then remember you cannot change their behavior, only how you react to it. If you feel like you need to put your foot down and say if you are coming to my home just to insult me, then don't bother. I am an adult in full control of my life and I only have room for positive people..then say it.If you feel like maybe you just want them over less, then be unavailable at times...or just call your mother and father out on stuff. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

    I know for my husband, going to a counselor really helped him to deal with the disappointment and emotions he has felt about his parents. It helped him to sort out what was healthy for him.

     


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  • dglvrk2dglvrk2 member
    imageFabulousMrs.P:

    First of all, I completely sympathize. We have gone through the same thing with DH's parents. Have you ever sat down with her and told her how the comments make you feel? Maybe she doesn't realize that she is so negative.

    If you have and it hasn't worked, then remember you cannot change their behavior, only how you react to it. If you feel like you need to put your foot down and say if you are coming to my home just to insult me, then don't bother. I am an adult in full control of my life and I only have room for positive people..then say it.If you feel like maybe you just want them over less, then be unavailable at times...or just call your mother and father out on stuff. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

    I know for my husband, going to a counselor really helped him to deal with the disappointment and emotions he has felt about his parents. It helped him to sort out what was healthy for him.


    Yes

    I agree with pps' suggestions. 

    I feel for you.  My mom has similar issues.  She's much too negative for me sometimes. My parents live several states away. When they visit, it's stressful to host her sometimes. 

    Like you, my in-laws are just awesome. I should give mucho credit to my dad too.  He's pretty mellow and obviously cherishes any time he has with DD. 

    You clearly have a lot on your plate right now.  Parents aside, most of the other stuff you have going on is temporary - eg home remondeling.  Perhaps limiting time with parents until your life is more settled is an option.  Or go to them.  For me, this is easier.  My dad - bless his heart - is relaxed anywhere.  My mom is better on her own turf.   

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