Do You Still Have Hope?

GermanGirl2007 · May 2013

After 28 months of TTC, and a fair amount of failed treatment, it is really hard to remain hopeful that this could work. I know that we are not even close to exhausting all of our options, but financial constraints won't allow us multiple attempts at IVF if it comes to that. This means that we are nearing the end of the road in terms of what we are able to do in terms of pursuing treatment.

I think for a long time, I knew that I would eventually get pregnant. Now I am finding myself thinking about the fact that it is feasible that it might not work. I might never be pregnant.

Where are you at? Are you still convinced that it will happen? Do you believe that something will work? Do you still have hope? Or have you thought through the possibility that it might not? Just curious how everyone else approaches things. This is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster!

katib77 · May 2013

Last summer, during our second long break - I started to think about "what if it never works, and we live child free?" And honestly, I came to be at a certain level of peace at that thought. I tried to concentrate on all we could do if we have to live CFNBC. It mainly came down to extra vacations :::shrugs:::

I still have hope, but just now with a dose of reality. And my hope level comes in waves. But I really did stop having such a strong belief that it *would* happen after our third BFN. But I am going to keep going forward for a little while longer, somehow I think I'll just *know* if/when I've come to the end of the hope road...be it due to sheer exhaustion of doing this for four or five years, or the end financially. But I know that we're not there yet. I still believe there is a very good chance that I'll be PG within the next year but I really feel if we reach summer 2014, and hit that five year mark we will stop (we had agreed years ago this would be the stopping point).

Some people might not think it's healthy to think of the "what if's", but I think I'm the type that needs to plan for my happiness with all possibilities now. And it's really been cathartic. When I think people need to seek counseling, is when they can honestly not picture a happy life for the future. I'm not saying I won't be incredibly sad. I'm not saying if we reach that point I will not need therapy for a little while. But I am saying, I'm able to see a happy me years down the road no matter what.

RunCC37 · May 2013

First of all, ((hugs)) to you, GG. I'm sorry you find yourself thinking that way and hope that you will be pregnant some day soon!!

We're just over the year mark of TTC and started our first medicated cycle, so I'm still hopeful. We are only thinking one step at a time because I have a tendency to get ahead of myself and then suffer from anxiety. For now, the approach is working well enough. I don't think I want to consider what the end of the road is for us... it would only result in tears and anxiety that I can't deal with right now.

((hugs)) ((hugs)) and more ((hugs))

krdesi · May 2013

I have not been going as long as you, but I have definitely felt discouraged. I still have hope that something will work soon, but in the back of my mind, I start thinking about what we could do if things didn't work.

After seeing the RE last week, I got more nervous about my desperation. We do have some insurance coverage, but it only covers 2 procedures in a lifetime, so now I keep thinking, if one of those 2 doesn't work, we are out of luck as we do not have unlimited funds for extra procedures out of pocket.

Hopefully something happens for you soon. Good luck!

RunCC37 · May 2013

katib77:
Last summer, during our second long break - I started to think about "what if it never works, and we live child free?" And honestly, I came to be at a certain level of peace at that thought. I tried to concentrate on all we could do if we have to live CFNBC. It mainly came down to extra vacations :::shrugs:::
I still have hope, but just now with a dose of reality. And my hope level comes in waves. But I really did stop having such a strong belief that it *would* happen after our third BFN. But I am going to keep going forward for a little while longer, somehow I think I'll just *know* if/when I've come to the end of the hope road...be it due to sheer exhaustion of doing this for four or five years, or the end financially. But I know that we're not there yet. I still believe there is a very good chance that I'll be PG within the next year but I really feel if we reach summer 2014, and hit that five year mark we will stop (we had agreed years ago this would be the stopping point).
Some people might not think it's healthy to think of the "what if's", but I think I'm the type that needs to plan for my happiness with all possibilities now. And it's really been cathartic. When I think people need to seek counseling, is when they can honestly not picture a happy life for the future. I'm not saying I won't be incredibly sad. I'm not saying if we reach that point I will not need therapy for a little while. But I am saying, I'm able to see a happy me years down the road no matter what.

Beautifully spoken

Meemeelee · May 2013

I'm sorry you've hit that point, but I understand it. FX crossed for you that another option will surface.

The plan for us has always been to have 2 kids, then adopt a 3rd later in life. I still have hope for at least one biological, maybe two, depending. I think I'm still a far ways away from losing hope, but I can understand the sentiment because I don't think we'll ever pay for IVF (unless at that time we live close enough to a military facility that does it for cheaper). I think when we hit the "IVF is your only option" day, we'll skip ahead to adoption, possibly a Chinese infant but we are also open to foster-to-adopt programs for an under 5 year old. My MIL would hate me forever if I didn't give her a bio grandchild, so I think that would be the biggest hurdle. My husband and I are her only shot.

I'm a planner. I always have a backup plan, so let's say I'm cautiously optimistic. But options are never completely gone, my Dad always tells me: "God is like a GPS. There's the path that he has you on, but sometimes there are detours, or sometimes you make a mistake, and you have to pause and allow the plan to redirect itself." He doesn't know we're TTC, that's just something he's been saying since about the first day he used a GPS.

rox825 · May 2013

We haven't made it to IUI yet so I still have hope that eventually something will work for us. But with unexplained IF minus a fibroid that may or may not have been a factor, and no specific, known problem to fix, I definitely have thoughts each cycle along the lines of, how can we possibly be successful if we don't even know what we're working against? It's sad to think that way but it's hard to help it. I don't know when or how we would make the decision to stop, but I'm still hopeful for now since I'm not far beyond the starting point of our treatment journey.

Manada · May 2013

We haven't been TTC as long as you, or nearly as long as many of the people on these boards because we got into the RE quickly due to our needing donor sperm -- but I hear you.

I started out super optimistic, and it seems that with every setback we have (first with my body, now my partner's) a little bit of my hope dies. In the beginning I was excited about TTC and even collecting little trinkets for our future baby... now I find myself avoiding those sections of stores all together.

It's sad. I think part of it is trying to get emotionally prepared in case it doesn't happen for us the way we want. At the moment we're waiting for a tube removal so we can try a few iui cycles with my partner, but really - in my mind I'm already saving up for a couple IVF cycles. Bah. It's hard.

wearebirds · May 2013

I'm sorry you've had to even have these thoughts GG.

Since we're just starting treatments, we do still have hope. More of a renewed hope, actually. I've finally come to terms with not being able to get pregnant naturally. I don't know when I'd ever allow myself to stop trying if everything didn't work. I guess when the bank went dry, or if my DH decides he's done.

It's a heart wrenching thought, to be childless. I thought about what that would mean for my life, and for my DH. I would still have my DH...but life would be so much less.

We've talked about adoption, and are both open to it if that decision ever has to be made.

Feel better soon GG...I'm rooting for you!

vpine · May 2013

I have my moments: after 2 failed IUIs I thought maybe God doesn't want me to be a mother, maybe it's not meant for me. But now that my injections are out of system and I'm less emotional, I think positively again. I think and hope it will happen for me, even if it's just once (one baby in my life) because I don't ask for more, I don't ask for specific gender/month etc. If after we do IVF in a few months, I still don't conceive, I might get those bad negative thoughts again.

GermanGirl2007 · May 2013

katib77:

Some people might not think it's healthy to think of the "what if's", but I think I'm the type that needs to plan for my happiness with all possibilities now. And it's really been cathartic. When I think people need to seek counseling, is when they can honestly not picture a happy life for the future. I'm not saying I won't be incredibly sad. I'm not saying if we reach that point I will not need therapy for a little while. But I am saying, I'm able to see a happy me years down the road no matter what.

Thank you all so much. It is so helpful for me to hear from other women that are going through the same thing. I feel like I don't know what is "normal" or not.

Katib, thanks for this too. I am the same way, but man, it still is a hard thought process to navigate. I'm not yet at a point of feeling like I could be at peace with it, but I know I need to get there. Last night DH asked me how I would feel if it didn't happen. I know he was just trying to help, but I hadn't really confronted that thought yet, and it threw me off. I think he sees a future of happiness with me, with or without children, which really should be comforting, but I don't think I was ready to accept that possibility yet.

Hoping I get to a place of finding peace regardless of the outcome.

gsancho · May 2013

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I've had several friends who struggled for a very long time, OOP with a long road of different procedures done over several years, and they were fortunate to end with success. So there is reason to have some hope!

But of course, we also know the reality that not everyone can be as lucky. So even someone like me, who is just about to begin all these meds & procedures(also OOP), has days when I feel hopeless. I have days when I feel I should do some sort of Plan B (or I guess technically it's more like Plan E or F) or at least make a list of positives that would come from not being able to have children, just to keep from crying.

You're definitely not alone! I think IF just naturally makes us always be on some polar end of the "hope" spectrum. Hopefully you'll get that BFP soon and won't have to worry much longer.

ttuprincess · May 2013

I haven't been at this as long as most and there are still lots of options I haven't tried yet so I am still hopeful. However, when we started the journey with the RE DH and I had a pretty serious talk about how far we would be willing to go. What we would and wouldn't be willing to do to have kids. And how we would feel if we had to live without any biological children. It has helped me tremendously to know that we are both on the same page and have a plan that works for both of us.

Sending ((HUGS)) your way OP. I know this journey is hard and can get us down in the dumps.

Neesey · May 2013

Meemeelee:
I'm a planner. I always have a backup plan, so let's say I'm cautiously optimistic. But options are never completely gone, my Dad always tells me: "God is like a GPS. There's the path that he has you on, but sometimes there are detours, or sometimes you make a mistake, and you have to pause and allow the plan to redirect itself." He doesn't know we're TTC, that's just something he's been saying since about the first day he used a GPS.

I love this way of thinking about life. I'm really stubborn so this is a good reminder to me.

GG--I am so sorry you are feeling hopeless. Hope comes and goes like Kati said. I have surprised even myself with how optimistic I am even after our disastrous week last week. When I feel like I'm getting bogged down in IF muck, I try something new to distract my brain. I look at it like writing a paper. I can struggle and struggle and struggle but if I walk away and take a walk or go have dinner with a friend, I can come back to tackle the problem with new energy. Sometimes your brain just needs a break from thinking about it so when you do jump back in, you are refreshed and ready. My latest distractions are helping a friend with her booth at an upcoming farmer's market and helping DH look for a new puppy. I have even started crocheting again. I hope you can find something that will bring you peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

SpartanGirl24 · May 2013

I feel like it changes everyday. One day I'm positive that I will get pregnant, the next, I'm convinced that it will never happen. It is a rollercoaster. I have thought through the "what ifs," but I can't fathom acting on anything (adoption mainly) until we have exhausted all of our options.

Hang in there!

Cara1024 · May 2013

I do not like that I feel this way, but if I am being truly honest, I have very little hope left. Very little. I feel like I am running out of options to try. IVF is not on the table for us, though our diagnosis would say its how we'd have our best chance. I know we still have a small chance with IUIs, but it feels very small. For me its not really about the length of time we've been trying, but more the MFI that gets me down.

I am especially blue today.....can't seem to pull myself up right now.

scbedi · May 2013

First off, ((HUGS!!)) I am so sorry you are feeling this way GG. I haven't been through this very long in comparison, so I haven't gone through a whole lot of our options, we are only on our second medicated cycle now. So, yes, I still have hope. But DH and I have talked about how far we are willing to go. We just keep reminding ourselves that we will be parents one day, one way or another we will be parents one day.

monimu13 · May 2013

I think that hope comes and goes. At this point, even with starting IVF soon...I still have frequent thoughts that it just wont happen for us. The thought of actually being/staying pregnant is really foreign to me at this point. With that said, we will try a couple more times, but I'm starting to think about how I will deal with the fact that money isn't unlimited and that treatments cant go on forever.

Hugs and thoughts to everyone that is having a rough time today

CaliCarly1976 · May 2013

This is a great thread and a good question.

I have some hope, but I feel stupid and foolish for having any. I think my age doesn't help, either, since I am 36 yo, every month that goes by is another chip taken out of my dream to have TWO kids. How silly of me to think that that could be a reality.

Like a pp said, I was so scared and excited to start the make babies journey, I bought some trinkets to have on hand to "reveal" the news to my husband. Instead, every month I text him when I get AF "its a 'no'"

I thought we were starting to try too early, and was scared of a positive early on. How foolish to think we would be like 80% of our friends who got knocked up the first month trying.

jbelle · May 2013

We're over 2.5 years in and statistics are not on our side. I no longer have much hope we'll have children, but I have a lot of hope that we'll have a great life together.

APotterHead · May 2013

Where are you at? We hit 3 years in April Are you still convinced that it will happen? Yes, I really am. Do you believe that something will work? I do, althrough I haven't tried IVF yet, i do believe it will work. Do you still have hope? I have faith that I'll get my baby... I don't know if I call it hope. Or have you thought through the possibility that it might not? The thought that it might not work crosses my mind every day, but I push it away. I WILL have a baby. Just curious how everyone else approaches things. This is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster!

Things a definitely an emotional roller coaster and a year ago, I was a hot mess and much in the same place you are. I took an almost 8 month break from everything. Monitoring, treatments, timing the BD, etc. I hope you get through this and come out stronger and with your sticky baby!

Shellydawn422 · May 2013

We haven't been on this roller coaster as long as most on this board, so I hesitate to say that our hope is faltering (after all - we're at the very beginning, if we loose hope now we're not cut out for this!). But I will say that I am beginning to face reality and come to terms with the fact that this just isn't going to happen for me the same way it happens for most people. I do have faith that we will someday be parents - whether that is through IUI, IVF, adoption, or some other means I honestly have no idea yet. I'll admit that the financial reality makes our options more limited - which makes me feel raw and resentful at the world.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time...Sending hugs your way today!

GermanGirl2007 · May 2013

monimu13:
I think that hope comes and goes. At this point, even with starting IVF soon...I still have frequent thoughts that it just wont happen for us. The thought of actually being/staying pregnant is really foreign to me at this point. With that said, we will try a couple more times, but I'm starting to think about how I will deal with the fact that money isn't unlimited and that treatments cant go on forever.
Hugs and thoughts to everyone that is having a rough time today

I agree with all of this. The thought of ever seeing a second line doesn't seem like it could be a real thing most times. If money wasn't an object, things would certainly be different. Also, and especially - hugs to everyone who needs them. Naria, and Cara, I am sorry that you are struggling. Sad I am sure there are others that I missed that are having a rough time - you are all in my thoughts.

herecomesthesun · May 2013

Yes. Yes, I do.

It can be hard to keep so positive and I have my days but for the most part, I am hopeful.

babydreams13 · May 2013

That is a tough question. I have some hope that something will happen one day but not really sure how much longer it will take us. I feel like its gonna be a long journey. We are on IUI #3 and if this doesn't work IDK how I'll be. Mother's Day was very hard this year. All we can do is keep on trying and pray we will be a mother one day. Its upsetting bc most people get preg on their own. Everyone I know has gotten preg easily. I just want it to be my turn. Hang in there.

beth9409 · May 2013

I still have hope right now. 2 weeks ago, I didn't. It comes and goes. We hit the 24 month mark this month. After 6 treatment cycles 3 IUIs, I am starting to wonder if it will ever happen. We made the decision last week to move on to IVF. I am trying to think positive. I have started to think about what our life would be like if we never have kids. It won't be easy but like pp said, I can still us finding our happiness somehow.

BlueEyedDreamer · May 2013

Moving to IVF has given me new hope. TBH, I truly had lost hope with TI and/or IUIs alone. You do the same thing over and over so many times with no success... I really started to think it would never happen. But I do have renewed hope now. Cautious hope, but hope nonetheless.

Here's hoping for all of us!

RachC624 · May 2013

Many of the PP have said what I'm feeling. My biggest fear has been "can we even get pregnant" for the past few months. Now that I know we can, that has re-instilled the hope in me. I know we have only been trying for 11 months, but knowing deep down since I was 19 that this would be a struggled took away a little hope right before we did our first medicated cycle. It's nice to see other women, although it's been a unfortunately long struggle, still stay hopeful!

ETA: finished post, mobile bumping doesn't love me

MrsC430 · May 2013

OP, thank you for posting this. Reading the responses has been a huge help to me today. We've had one failed IVF and learned yesterday that our FET was also a BFN. Our issues are tubal - IVF is our only option.

I went into treatment very optimistic, but it's hard to stay in that mindset after failed attempts. I try to take things day by day and handle it the best I can. I know that doesn't help how you're feeling, but please know that you aren't alone.

{Hugs}

Cindal · May 2013

I think we still have hope most days, Dh moreso than me, though its not always in abundance and I'm not expecting it anytime soon. I would have more hope if our finances were better but as they are IVF is not an option and adoption will be extremely difficult. I came to terms with the idea that we might not become parents a little while back, every once in a while the thought is crushing but usually its not too hard to imagine a full and wonderful life with just DH and I, two against the world.

Soon-To-BeMrs.P · May 2013

What a difficult question... we have been TTC for 29 months. It's been a 11 months that we've been with our RE, and we've had one ectopic, been benched for 3 months due to mc, and hysteroscopy/dnc. I am almost emotionally depleted but hope is so frustrating because it never goes away. There is an Emily Dickinson quote that I love but have lately found exhausting. "Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all". No matter whether I am able to put together the words to my soul's song, hope carries me. Sometimes I would like it to drop me at the bar...! There may be a time I have to be brave enough to imagine that life has a different path for me than the one I've planned for myself. Painful to even go there. Damn hope. Sending you hugs and a little tune!

ufsandra85 · May 2013

we are at the end of our hope. After 3 years of trying, several surgeries ang growing a tumor and 7 polyps in addition to my messed up uterus that has still yet to be fixed, several failed medicated cycles and iui, endo , pcos, etc we are at the end. My husband has a fear that I am going ot get cancer and die because of all the drugs, surgeries, and treatments. Therefore we decided 2 more iui or one more miscarriage and we are done and will move on to surrogacy or adoption. We just dont feel the health things I have gone through are worth it anymore

Laylarue · May 2013

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. We are 23 months in to this. We took things very slowly so I'm just now gearing up for my first IUI. Before making the decision to move on to IUI I had lost a lot of hope. I started putting all my energy into my home, myself, my DH, and anything else that would be part of my life without a child. It really really helped. Right now I find hope in the next treatment. Right now I feel confident the IUI will work. If we run out of options for me carrying our own child, then we will have to decide what to do next. We've talked about it a bit, but so far both of us are really confident it will happen. Maybe we are being unrealistic, but right now that is what gives us hope. (((HUGS)))

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Do You Still Have Hope?

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

Do You Still Have Hope?

Re: Do You Still Have Hope?

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!