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Blended Families
I'm worried about having DH's son visit...
DH has two children from a previous marriage (older, 18 and 16), and they live with their mother in a different state. They are both supposed to come up for a visit in two weeks. His daughter has always been on the straight-and-narrow. She has good grades, a job, respectful, etc. However, his son has been in a lot of trouble lately. He has been in a juvenile detention center four times already for various things - vandelism, stealing. Now, he is in there again because he "allegedly" assaulted a police officer at his school. He is in this detention center until his court date next week. Apparently, he was in a meeting with the school principal (a return from suspention meeting - he had been in a fight at school), and when they told him he had to return to class, he got angry and walked away. The school police officer grabbed his arm, and DH's son got mouthy with him and a "fight" ensued. Someone claims that DH's son tried to grab for the police officer's gun, even. There are many versions of the story.
My DH keeps saying that he "doesn't believe the story" and "there's no way he did what they are saying." He also says that his son needs to get some respect and straighten up. Honestly, I think his son has absolutely no discipline because both parents have turned a blind eye to him his whole life. Case in point. My DH also says that he doesn't believe his son will be given any further harsh consequences besides the time he has already served in the juvenile detention center, and that he thinks all the time he is sitting in there "will be good for him."
I have a young child myself, and I really don't want this kid to be staying in the same house with us when he visits. I know that sounds harsh, as a SM, but I don't feel safe! He obviously has issues that he needs to deal with/needs help with, and I'm very concerned about having him in our home for a lengthy visit (they are supposed to be here a month). What if he gets in trouble here? How will we handle police/arrests/court here? It's just too much.
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Re: I'm worried about having DH's son visit...
I don't have any advice, because when we went through something smaller scale (SS and friends building firework bombs, got in trouble with police then later, SS chasing and threatening to kill BM and SD) DH was much the same. "He's fine". SS pushed DD down, she was 3, he was almost 17. DH started watching much more carefully then, and snapping SS back in line when he was getting close to crossing it (like in the car making menacing faces at the younger kids and saying he would kill them when he was annoyed). SS did not like "being told what to do" and that "DH was always an a--h-le" and has not been over since he turned 18.
Click me, click me!
How did you handle all of this?
The PP hit the nail on the head for me - my biggest struggle was "so....you are not setting limits and imposing consequences, so....this is your fault AND it's going to impact me/my kids/my home."
BM = crazy (diagnosed) and a bigtime maternal gatekeeper (DH would say things like "put that in the trash" and BM would tell the kids to "ignore the nazi"). He was conditioned not to respond to the kids. I had to seperate for myself and for DH - his choices and parenting decisions affected me/my kids/my house. He could either step up in those circumstances, or I was done. And he knew I was serious.
So....DH stepped up. And a few times when SS was out of control I told DH he could take SS to his parents', go see SS, etc. but SS was not coming here. By that time we had DS as well, and DH was not capable of juggling SS' violence and drama + a baby + three other children, so he spent some time with SS not in our home. There's no LD solution for that though, outside of a hotel.
Oh, how I have missed you Hind!