Friends keep canceling plans because of their child.

DarcieK83 · May 2013

I hardly ever post, but I need some advice. Hopefully I came to the right board!

DH and I have some very good friends who have a daughter who will be three in August. Their daughter was adorable....and then the terrible twos hit. My friend and I have made plans multiple times over the past year only to have her call or text me the day before to cancel. It's always because her daughter hasn't been behaving and my friend is afraid of how she will act in public. We actually tried to go to the zoo one time and had to leave after only being there an hour because her daughter would not listen and kept running away from us, and threw a few temper tantrums. It's really frustrating to me because I feel like our friends can't ever commit to anything because of their daughter and they let her ruin their plans. I totally understand when it is sickness or an emergency. But when you are afraid to take your child out because of behavioral problems?

I have never said anything to her about how I feel because I have just recently become a mom and I don't feel like it's my place having not been through the terrible two stage yet. However, I am beginning to think I should either say something or stop trying to make plans with her. Especially since my husband had plans with my friend's hubby tonight and of course they got cancelled. Their daughter didn't want daddy to be gone tonight, so he bailed on my husband. This is the first time it has happened to DH, and he didn't take to it as kindly as I have in the past.

So I guess my question is....when do I say enough is enough and stop trying to get together with our friends? Do I just let it slide and keep rescheduling? Do I say anything to them? I am NOT a parenting expert and I don't want to come off as being a know it all, but sometimes I just want to tell them to stop letting their daughter call the shots and start parenting her! Am I being unreasonable? DH is fed up and wants to be done with them.

What would you do???

tracy41 · May 2013

I try not to backseat parent because a lot of things I use to be judgmental about I totally understand now whether I agree with them or not. That being said I feel bad for your friend that she's scared to take her daughter out in public. I'm not shocked by having to leave the zoo after an hour because if they don't behave it's time to go and also an hour at the zoo seems reasonable for a 2 year old. But canceling plans because your child doesn't want you to leave? Eh.

Be easy on your friends, maybe go over to their house, until they find some parenting harmony. And pray your own child is easier!

DarcieK83 · May 2013

I absolutely agree! I have tried not to be judgmental, because this could easily be me in a couple years! I think I will try and suggest going to their house next time. We usually try to meet somewhere in the middle because we live over an hour from each other. It may be easier to just drive to her until this phase passes. Thanks!

ridesbuttons · May 2013

I would start by being a friend inside of a judgy mom.

Emilia0101 · May 2013

Were they flakey friends before they had kids? I would have a heart to heart with your friend. Let her know you really miss spending time with her, but understand it can be stressful trying to take a 2 year old sometimes. Ask what kinds of plans would be easiest for her and a good time and date. If she cancels on those admit the friendship may be over.

My DD was very high needs from about 20m-2.5 it was stressful going places with lots of people and I always felt judged by her meltdowns. Now at 3.5 we can do anything,but it was a very rocky road.

chardonnay24 · May 2013

I have a couple thoughts on this.

First, I have THAT kid. He is 27 months and completely out of control. I feel like I'm doing everything correctly, but he is absolutely terrible sometimes and I really hate going anywhere with him. He has sensory issues, really high energy, speech delay, he's just an exhausting and frustrating child. I have been to the point that I have wanted to just curl up at home because I'm so worried that everyone is judging me. I have finally just come to accept that I have the kid that I have and developed a thick(er) skin. I know people judge me. I don't care (most of the time). Maybe your friend hasn't gotten to that place yet in her parenting.

That being said, maybe it has nothing to do with all of that and she's just becoming a flake. I'd talk to her, set up some low key get togethers, let her know that you'd like to spend more time with her and that you understand that 2 year olds can be really trying at times. It may be easier for her to have you guys over to her house. I really dislike taking my kid to other homes because they are never *quite* childproofed to my liking and he always ends up getting into something or breaking something or climbing something that he shouldn't be, whereas my house is completely safe for my own kid.

dragon_chica · May 2013

Ditto everyone else. It sucks that your friend is that scared to go out sometimes. Sure, it's a bit scary not knowing what will happen but kids will always be unpredictable. All you can do is provide different outlets to keep them happy and hope for the best. With the zoo incident, honestly, I would've probably done the same thing. When we're out and about if any of the kids are behaving horribly then leaving the fun place is punishment. We've been in line for a ride that DD really wanted to go on and after 20 min. of waiting and being only 2 families away from the front she decides to start hitting me. You betcha we walked into the boat and out of it to the other side and left the ride. The next time we came back to that theme park she was a perfect angel. For instances like that the kids need to see that mom and dad aren't going to give into their tantrums just because they're embarassed or their friends are there as well. That just teaches them that those are the times when they can take advantage and run amok.

Spin313 · May 2013

I'd talk to your friend...about her behavior, NOT the child's. Just tell her you miss spending time with her and are frustrated by her canceling plans.

twirlyjack73 · May 2013

Maybe your friend wants to end the friendship but doesn't have the heart to say it to you so she's pushing you away by blaming it on her kid figuring you'll give up eventually.

DarcieK83 · May 2013

Thanks for all the advice ladies! I think I will say something to her about canceling all the time if the opportunity presents itself. I won't say anything about her child's behavior because like I said before, I have no experience and I don't believe it's my place. But I think if I get the chance I will mention that I miss spending time with her. I will suggest going to her house and see if that works out.

ITGurl0626 · May 2013

I'll start off & say that my niece was that kid at 2 years old. She was awful to go out with, my sister dreaded going out with her. 2 year olds are frustrating little people. I now have a 2 year old & I often wonder what happened to my laid back baby. My 2 year old has her moments & believe me, it's not due to lack of parenting either.

I ditto the advice given by the other moms. Talk to your friend & tell her you miss her. Sympathize with her about how difficult toddlers can be & suggest a park (& do a picnic too) where the toddler can run around & if she has a meltdown people may not bat an eye at it.

Ardmhs83 · May 2013

I have a VERY high needs 2, almost 3 year old who is bad...bottom line, bad. We rarely take him in public and rarely go to dinner with friends because of his dinner behavior. We have tried it all!! WE DO PARENT HIM, trust me! Time outs, distraction, removing him from the environment, etc!
Love him with all my heart, but he has been VERY high needs since day 1 and I got smacked with PPD and PPA. Lots of that stems from how high needs he was and is.
Our friends stopped inviting us too and it hurts. We have even mentioned them coming to our house, but they want to "go out." They don't have any children, so they don't have a clue. The kids they do know are not as crazy as my son. He is a loveable, caring and smart toddler. He is just high needs and calls for CONSTANT attention on our part...and when we are out, whew!!! It is just easier to order in and stay home.
So, I would just talk to your friend openly and try to understand where she is coming from. Go to her house where her daughter is most comfortable. Keep talking to her and trying...one day things will change as the little girl gets older.

lite-bright · May 2013

I would back off of the friendship, personally, if the cancellations bother you that much. You could also take pp's advice and see if she might be avoiding you or have something else non-child going on.

But you also have no way of knowing if your friend is dealing with a kid who is high needs or might eventually be diagnosed with special needs, and she's under no obligation to tell you. They seem to be struggling for one reason or another, and it's definitely not your place to "tell them to stop letting their daughter call the shots and start parenting her" or to assume that the behavioral issues are based on parenting and not something else going on with the child that just isn't a visible difference. There may be needs at work that you have no idea about. Heck, they might not even know yet, she's still really young.

I know several parents with kids on the autism spectrum who may 1) try very hard not to disrupt a child's routine because the emotional/behavioral consequences aren't worth it, and 2) avoided taking their kid out in public as much as possible, because he would simply melt down. Eventually that was addressed through years of therapy with the one child, but it impacted the entire family for awhile and I'm sure their friends wondered WTH was going on.

Whatever is going on, it may shake out as a tough toddler phase or a busy mom being flaky, and get better and you could touch base with the friend at a later point to see if things have changed. Or it might just be your friends' approach to parenting and you just need to step away.

Irishsapphire · May 2013

I have an almost 3 years old who is high energy and 90 miles an hour. I have to almost 45 meetups with this mommy group this past year. And it really depends where he is on how he really does. But it is okay--they get to see him even when he is not having a good day. That being said, I hope that you feel that you can talk directly to your friend. Some mommy friends you just cannot get close to and become better friends. And maybe there is something else going on that she does not want to talk about.

AnabelsMama · May 2013

fredalina:
Also, if it were me, I'd feel like family time was most important right now, and that this is all temporary, and a real friend would understand and wait until my life settles down and LO is better able to go places. IDK; something about your post just rubs me the wrong way.

This exactly. I have THAT kid too. She's fun and smart and energetic. She's also wild and never sleeps and exhausts everyone she's around. I actually just ordered a leash for her (JUDGE AWAY!) because my parents watch her during the day and can't go anywhere without her bolting. My daughter is also the reason why she will most likely be an only child.

Kids go through stages. And when you have a kid like your friend's and like mine who are going through particularly rough stages, your sanity and ability to function as a human being are the most important things in your lives. NOT making an effort to be social when you just don't have it in you. You know how your friend's kid acted at the zoo? Imagine that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you wouldn't feel like leaving your house much, either.

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