- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Chennell77
member
Disorganized and frustrated at home
Chennell77
member
Ladies, I need help. I'm not the most organized person in the world. What are your cleaning/saturday morning routines? I work full time (8:30am to 5:00pm, home by 5:45pm) and dedicate the rest of my time to my LO and as best as I can to my hubby. He doesn't help AT ALL in the kitchen and relies on me for ALL of the cooking, grocery shopping, bathing the LO etc. I feel like I can't manage to get much else done. And because of his somewhat sheltered youth, he relies on me to make weekend plans etc. When he doesn't get out, I have to hear yet another rant on how board (sp?) he is -- then the convos start to spiral and I am left to feel that I am not enough at times. I'm not his entertainment, nor am I responsible for planning it. He doesn't have any friends and I can't make time for mine. I know this is not very clear, but I'm frustrated. Feel like I have ADD or something. What is your laundry routine? Bathroom cleaning? Cooking? When do you find time for yourself? I can't please everyone all the time, feel like I'm being spread too thin at times. Being taken for granted. I'm not trying to be the social butterfly I once was, I'm good with where I am. Just having a hard time keeping things in order while trying not to strangle my dear hubby. Sometimes I feel because he makes more money, I should just go with the program... 
End rant.
P.S. He's an educator and ALWAYS has a comeback or answer for everything. He can't break out of teacher mode sometimes, that's what pisses me off the most. I can't talk to him about certain things because I can't always get my thoughts together. I don't event want to bother... Other times, everything is peachy for the most part. This is not something at all thats worth leaving, I just think he can be such a jerk at times. He has the never to complain if food was a little under-seasoned, when he can't even boil water. Ok, end rant for real this time.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Disorganized and frustrated at home
First of all, get your thoughts together. Write them down if you need to. Tell him that there needs to be a give and take otherwise someone's going to break and that's most likely going to be you. Here's a sample of a weekday and a weekend day from my household. Mind you, I've had past issues with DH about cleaning and such as well so I truly empathize.
Weekday routine: Out of bed between 5:45-6:00 a.m. Dressed and then help DH with getting the kids up and dressed. Before I leave I usually throw a load of laundry in and set it to go in 14 hours. I'm usually out the door by 7. DH does drop off for both kids (2 locations.) I pick up the kids and usually get home by 5/5:30. I throw the laundry from that morning into the dryer. I do pretty much all the cooking. I use my crockpot a lot and rotisserie chicken to cut down on time. Dinner at 6:00. 6:30 the kids spend 5 minutes cleaning up their toys in the living room. That has been one of my goals to have a clean play area before bedtime. As I'm taking the kids upstairs to prepare for bath DH quickly loads the dishwasher and washes any dishes that can't go in the washer. DH is in charge of bathtime (something that was discussed and agreed upon during 1st pregnancy.) While he's bathing the kids I'm getting DS's milk ready and tidying other things. We work together to get the kids dressed, teeth brushed, and books ready. DH then takes DS into his room to drink milk and bedtime. I stay with DD and read more books and then bedtime. I'm usually the one that ends up making DD's lunch since I make my lunch. After that it's usually close to 9. I grab the laundry and fold it while I watch TV and internet surf. Bed no later than 11.
Weekend: Up by 7 and breakfast by 7:30. We have a huge extended family and we've both lived in this area (as singles and as married) for at least 2 decades so we also have a large network of friends. Our weekends are usually pretty full. Sundays we squeeze in our big grocery shopping. We do this together as a family activity. Dinner and bedtime routine is the same as weekdays.
Now to address the other things you asked or complained about. I'm pretty lazy with the cleaning and DH isn't picky so I clean when I feel motivated to. Sometimes the mood strikes after bedtime on a weekday and sometimes during naptime on a weekend. During these times I just ask DH to do specific things. He's pretty good about getting things done when asked. I learned the hard way to not just expect it from him.
In regards to time to myself I schedule it. I have a close group of girlfriends that meet up every 2nd Sunday of the month. It's almost always set in stone. DH stays home with the kids and off I go for about 4 hours. Other me time includes hair, nails, facials and such. Hair is every 2 months and facials are every 3 months so no biggie. I try to space them out so it's not too much. We also do things with friends every now and then. I'm the total planner so it doesn't matter to me that I organize a lot of our outings.
As for your "P.S" that's a load of bullSH*T. I'm a teacher and I can easily shut it off to be with my family. He's just choosing not to and that's a total cop-out. You need to call him out on that and start pointing out that if he doesn't pull his weight your stress level is just going to continue to rise and that will not bode well for him and the family.
I know a little about DH not pulling is weight. I try to set routines but he doesn't stick to them which ends up making me fall off the routine as well. One thing that helped a little bit was to get a whiteboard calendar.I found one that is just 1 week with large spaces to write in. DH said he "just didn't see" when something needed to be done. So I thought a visual daily to do list might help. It doesn't always work, "mow the lawn" keeps getting put on the list until the weeds are as tall as I am, but the trash gets taken out and the dishwasher gets emptied.
Try cooking together and showing him how to cook.
You two really need to be on the same page. It is not at all fair that you have to do everything. It's his home too and he needs to step up and help maintain it. I would lay it all out for him, specifics, of the help you need. Start with one thing that would make a big difference to you- like washing dishes or helping to make dinner.
Good luck. That sounds really frustrating.
I think you need to write down all the chores that you currently do. Also write down thoughts on the matter. Then sit down with DH and show him everything you are doing BY YOURSELF. Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. And tell him that you need some help. Either he can help you with the chores or you hire someone to clean for you to help relieve the burden. If he is willing to help, then divide the chores up right then. If he won't do either tell him you need to see a marriage counselor to work through these differences.
7lbs 13oz 20 inches long
That's not ok, but you'll have a tough battle trying to change him.
DH is very much a routine guy. He knows what he is responsible for (litter boxes, feed the cats, all yard work and snow removal, making coffee, weekend breakfast and dinner, and cleaning toilets). Anything beyond that he just doesn't "see" what needs to be done. He's such a creature of habit that he knows when in his day he will accomplish the above tasks. If it's not part of his routine, he doesn't do it.
What I have to do is slowly introduce one chore at a time into his routine. And it has to be baby steps. For example, he knows that he's responsible for having a sippy of milk waiting when DS and I come downstairs in the morning. Prior to setting that expectation, he'd be watching TV while I held a baby/toddler and tried to prepare a bottle/sippy. That is such a baby step, but once he "gets" it and works it into his routine, we're good.
Start little with something you know will be easy for him to take on. Once he has that taken over, ask him to help with something else. I know it sounds silly and you think "I shouldn't have to do that in order to get help", but it works for me and anything else just becomes a battle.
MMC 3.30.16
You have the same work schedule as me. It can be done!
My laundry is every Saturday, baby's on Sunday. SO does his own, when I'm feeling nice I will add his to mine on Saturday. Food shopping either Sat or Sunday, sometimes even Friday night. I clean the bathroom in small pieces when I feel like it - sink one night, toilet another, tub and floor every other weekend or so. I clean the kitchen every night after dinner, including sweeping but only swiffer every couple days. I dust and vacuum the house on the weekend when I have time. SO also does this tho. I cook quick meals when I get home or use the crock pot. My SO helps with this as well, he will cook, clean the kitchen and do whatever I need him to but I do it more often than he does, and I am ok with that. I like my routine. We take turns bathing baby. I have time for myself after 8pm when baby goes to bed, until I go to bed. If I need to get my hair cut or something, I will do it during the week after work and get home later.
Your DH can cook, he just doesn't want to. Leave him to it, he won't starve.
You can also try making stuff ahead, at the very least for LO - I will make a big batch of pasta or something for him to have for lunches or dinners during the week sometimes, freeze pancakes for his breakfast. That helps time-wise.
Make a LIST - plan plan plan!!! Like this:
Fri night: food shopping, clean up kitchen
Sat: laundry, clean tub, vacuum....etc
Sun: baby laundry, make pancakes for week.....whatever else you need to do
And then you will feel wonderful as you cross things off
Finally, at least go see a counselor alone. That will help you get your thoughts together and say what you want/need to say to your DH, hopefully in a way that doesn't end up in a fight. Go at lunch from work if you can, that is what I do. Oh - which is another thing...get things done at lunch time if you can!
This. I think before you set up a daily routine on how to get stuff done, you need help from your husband. If I had to do everything around the house, plus do everything for my 2 kids and work full time I would go insane. You don't have ADD, you have a very unhelpful and child like husband. You need a serious talk with him. You will get burnt out very quickly if this goes on for too much longer.
I should also mention my DH does not cook at all. However, he is now unemployed due to a lay off and I have been letting him do the cooking. It started out with my having the chicken, etc in a pan ready to put in the oven. All he had to do was pull it out of the fridge, put the oven to 350, put in the chicken, and wait 30 minutes for it to be done. And he would do a steamfresh vegetable in the microwave. Now we are working up to simple recipes that he is doing himself. We did it in baby steps.
7lbs 13oz 20 inches long
DH definately helps out alot but no matter what I feel in most cases the mother always does more. Of course, there are some SO's who take on that role. I agree, with others that your DH should be able to throw something simple together.
Cleaning for us is always an ongoing battle. I feel like nothing will ever be fully clean. We try to do dishes, make lunches, quick pick up of toys, laundry during the week. Heavier stuff on the weekend, which dosent always get done.
Grocery shopping Sunday mornings.
And like pp said, I am a teacher too and I can understand once in awhile the teacher in him coming out, but it shouldnt be ALL the time. He needs to step it up or I would want to crack too. Talk to him and save your relationship.
It isn't fair of your husband to depend on you to do everything - shltered childhood or not, he is an adult. My DH is a bit like this and is something we have fought over and have worked on. With an actual child to take acre of and ajob, you don't need a grown child as well. Maybe ask him what he could do around the house - this is where a counselor can be an assett, they can call "BS" on a lot of the excuses. I am probably forgetting points I was going to makeand will be back - my kids of ourse got crazy the second I decided to reply. Ha. GL!
I agree with all the pp about talking to him rationally. I would make a list of all the things that need to happen in your house for it to run smoothly, and then attach an owner to it. Simple things, like cooking dinner - YOU, cleaning up - YOU, putting baby to bed - YOU, laundry - YOU. That will show him that you're handling more than your fair share of the household chores. Then try to get him to own a few chores, so your goal is to have more of an even share.
If that doesn't work, you can always go on strike. Or marriage counseling is another option.
I should also mention that we hired a cleaning lady to come once a month. I was having a hard time keeping up with it in my last few months of pregnancy and now it's so awesome. In between her cleanings, one of us runs the vacuum, sweeps the kitchen floors and wipes down the bathrooms, but it's not the full deep cleaning that took me 4 hours on Saturday to do. We typically take an hour on the weekend instead.
During the week we're pretty evenly split on chores. DH primairly does the grocery shopping and cooking. I clean the kitchen and bathe DD and do bedtim with her while DH picks up her toys. After she's in bed, I go through mail and pay bills. DH mows the grass and snowblows the driveway. I weed the flowers and water. Sometimes it feels like I do way more, sometimes he feels that way. But in all we have a pretty good split of household chores. Honestly I can't imagine him not pulling his weight, even a little. That would be a big problem.
Ladies, THANK YOU SO MUCH! For a moment I thought I was being unreasonable with a few things. I appreciate ALL of the feedback and tips. Thank you.
After being in a funk for most of the day, I plan to speak with DH tonight. One thing I left out, not only does he teach (6th grade all subjects), but he's an adjunct professor one night a week and has a small business on the side that he runs from home after work. I know he's busy, but I'm just as busy with everything else. I try to be supportive because the business is doing well, but I still need him to step it up regardless. He's my DH and daddy to our LO 1st.
Lastly, this selfish behavior is what he doesn't like in his own father...go figure. Albeit his dad is A LOT worse and depends on everyone in his path.
I'll let you all know how it goes tonight. Fingers crossed. #sighing #praying
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1440504636/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
It sounds like your primary issue is that you are married to a verbally abusive guy.
I didn't read all the other posts but here's my advice. It's simply not okay that he isn't helping you. Whatever it is you know you need him to do, I'd appeal to him by saying you'd like to be able to have more time together. He'll get what that means.
Also, some tips....
If you can manage a day to freezer cook, that's a life saver for dinners. I woul dalso cook enough so that you can eat leftovers. Don't give kids a bath every single night if you don't have to. If you can, schedule baths mostly on nights when you're having leftovers. If it's an every night thing and they are big enough, I'd stick them in the shower and clean them real quick that way. As far as laundry, I'd throw a load in in the morning first thing. Sorry for all you're dealing with.