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Attachment Parenting
acia
member
I feel like I'm failing as a parent.
acia
member
I'm a SAHM with a 3.5-year-old and 13-month-old, and I just feel like I'm drowning as a parent right now.... My 3.5-year-old DD is such a handful. She's been "high maintenance" from day 1 - bad sleeper, fussy eater, highly sensitive, emotional, moody, demanding, etc. But things have been getting progressively worse since in the last 6 months or so - I'm not sure if it's her age, her temperament, still adjusting to her sister, something I'm doing wrong - or a combination - but I've just felt like I'm slipping in the last 6 months or so and failing her miserably as a parent.
She has meltdowns over everything and anything that isn't exactly right. It seems like every hour there's tears or a tantrum over something. The whining is pretty much constant. She's clingy and demanding of me, day and night - she only wants me. She's only really happy when I'm giving her 100% of my attention, doing something she wants to do - but it's just not possible most of the time. Her behaviour gets worse when she's tired, later in the day, but she refuses to take a nap or even have much quiet time. She stops listening or being cooperative at all, and that's when she can get rough with her sister, rude with me, etc. I actually just took her for a blood test because she just seemed so tired all the time, and found out she's anemic - so I know that's probably playing some part - but it can't be the whole story.
I try to use gentle, positive parenting approach as much as possible - I don't do time outs or punishment, and no rewards or bribery either (though I still do praise so I guess there are some rewards). I don't yell, but set clear limits with her, explaining why she can't do things, try to get her to understand how her actions affect others, etc. I try to be patient with her outbursts and empathize with her, try to see things from her point of view. I'm flexible and understanding with her, but I'm also firm with her when I have to be (over things that are not negotiable, like when she has been rough with her sister on occasion). I try to avoid power struggles over the minor things, and let her have lots of choices, but when it comes to things like eating and bedtime, it doesn't seem to matter - it's almost always a power struggle (because she doesn't want to eat or sleep, and I obviously need her to do these things).
As much as I try to do things gently, my patience only goes so far - there are times when I've just lost it, and sent her to her room when she's acting out (which devastates her and doesn't solve anything, I know - but it's often for my own sanity so I don't flip out at her and say something out of anger and frustration).
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her to prevent and avoid triggers, and despite that, all day it feels like I'm just putting out fires. I feel like I can't give either of my girls what they need beyond the basic necessities. I just don't feel like there's enough of me to go around.
And all this is exacerbated by the fact that we moved to Australia last year, away from all our family and friends. I have zero support here. My DH works constantly, is gone 11-12 hours a day, and most weekends as well. He doesn't help at night since he needs to be rested for work, and since I've been blessed with two of the worst sleepers on the planet, I haven't had a full night sleep in almost 4 years.
Now that I've written all this I'm not sure what the point was.... A vent mostly I guess, but if anyone has any advice on what I can do differently, within a gentle AP framework, I'm open to anything. I know my daughter's behaviour is a cry for help, her way of telling me something isn't right in her world, but I just don't know how to make it right!
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Re: I feel like I'm failing as a parent.
And that leads me to two thoughts - one, anemia is often a presenting symptom for celiac disease in some patients, so if you have any suspicion that could be at play, you might get her tested for that. And that in turn leads me to the thought that it's worth checking to see if something in her diet is making it harder for her to focus/behave. The odds that it's either of these two things are very low, of course, but it popped into my head and I thought I'd mention it.
It's funny that you say that - my husband is very sensitive to gluten (not sure if it's celiac as he refuses to get tested - but he gets very sick if he eats even a little gluten so clearly there's something going on). Maybe it's an issue for her as well.... I'm actually taking her for allergy testing on Monday because I'm wondering if diet is playing a role as well, though it's the skin prick test so I realize it won't pick up gluten and other things that she could be sensitive to. But it's a start... Thanks for your input!
I think you're right in exploring celiac esp since there's likely a family history/vitamin deficiency. My daughter changed a ton since we started the diet.
My advice to you wouldn't be to change your approach but to find a sitter. Could you swing hiring a high school kid a few days a week to help out? I think the completely understandable stress you're under is making a tough situation worse. I think you should also make it a priority to get some one on one time with your older child. Ideally you could use a sitter to make that happen but if not let dh watch your youngest. Make it a standing date and let her choose what you do. While if the behavioral issues are from some underlying illness this isn't going to be an instant fix it should help some.
good luck
I can sympathize; my kids are similar ages and spacing and it is HARD. In some ways it is harder now than when DS was a baby because he is a very active toddler and into everything. It is ridiculous trying to chase after both of them at once, and like you both of mine are bad sleepers. The 4 years of sleep deprivation are definitely getting the better of me at this point.
In terms of discipline, with my DD the things that have helped somewhat are routines, being very clear about the rules (we wrote them up on a piece of paper that she decorated and we hung in the kitchen), and sending her to her room when she is really out of control. That is less of a punishment for her and more of a positive time out because it really helps her calm down and get a grip on herself. I model this for her as well by putting myself in "time out" when I am getting frustrated and losing my cool. Sometimes that means just shutting my eyes and taking some deep breaths in the same room if I'm not in a position to actually walk away, but I explain to her that I am taking a time out because I am feeling x and it will help me feel better.
For sleep and eating, if those have become power struggles I think you have to be careful not to let that perpetuate by being overly affected by it. Obviously sleep and nutrition are important, but the more of an issue it is for you the more interesting of a button to push it will be for a three year old. Try to take the emotion out of it to the extent you can and adopt an attitude that says that it's no big deal to you. It takes some of the fun out of the battle. Have some boundaries (i.e., if you don't eat your meal you don't get anything else until the next meal time, or for sleep use one of those OK to Wake clocks or similar) and once the expectations are clear don't engage in a lot of debating and cajoling and pleading.
Not sure any of this is helpful and I certainly don't have all the answers. It is still tough around here most of the time. But these are some ideas that have made a difference for us.