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New to The Bump
New member with questions
Hello everyone!
My name is Tanna, and I have been married for 3.5 years. My husband is very supportive when it comes to me finishing school (I just got my master's degree), and in any hobby I choose to pursue.
He is an engineer, and he prides himself in the ability to plan everything. And I mean everything. That being said, he originally had a very specific plan about when we were going to conceive and have a family etc. The trouble is, I am not sure I'm ready to "follow the plan" to a T, and this is causing me great anxiety.
I am turning 26 this year, and I know I should be thrilled to be starting a family (after all, according to my family, that's what marriage is for, right?)
The fact of the matter is, I don't think I'd make a very conventional mother. I see the constant posts that my friends post on FB or other such sites, and it's always about some gushing revelation about how awesome their little angels are (Oh look, he pooped! Let me take a picture! Oh look, she is using a fork to throw food in our faces, how clever!). I feel guilty that I cannot share in my friends' happinesses because I fail to see the point about how all these things are "accomplishments"
In the end, I am just scared about not being the conventional mother: you know the one that looks at their baby and falls in love with them at first site, and is willing to give up everything that makes them an individual person for the sake of their baby. What if I am a lousy mother who doesn't dote on their kids 24/7? What if I don't even like them?
My husband and I have already fought about this, and he says I shouldn't talk to him "about stuff like this" because he is not "one of my girlfriends". And, as my mother passed away when I was 20, I cannot ask her for advice.
Phew, sorry for the lengthy intro, and I hope I did not offend anyone with this post, but I am just trying to be honest in the hopes that other people have gone through similar feelings and experiences.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New member with questions
Welcome Tanna.
First off, FB is not the real world. People will overshare, conveniently leave out the crappy parts, or make things overdramatic just to make themselves feel better.
Second, the fact that their child reaches a milestone is an accomplishment. You'll find that out the first time your child is the "last" to do something (roll over, sleep through the night, smile, etc). It's almost a sense of relief when they do these seemingly small things that are signs of normal childhood development.
I'm not sure what you consider to be a "conventional mother", nor do I think there's a specific "type". Some moms are very hands on, others not so much. Some babies are very clingy and need a lot of attention, some show independence sooner than others, some are very chill. Not all moms fall in love with their babies at first sight (though many do, and you may be surprised at just how attached you get when you first see your baby). It may take weeks/months to feel that "I will die for my child" bond. Perfectly normal. And it's also normal to love your kids but not always like them. I'm not particularly fond of my toddler when she's screaming on the living room floor, but I still love her with all my being
In some ways I think it's good you're thinking about these things so you can prepare for the kind of mom you want to be. Not all moms give up their entire selves to be moms. Most people recognize they need "me time" to be good parents. Both you and your H need to have time to yourselves, as well as time together as a couple. Some people need just a little, some need a lot. It will take time to figure out where your balance is, but it IS possible.
I have heard good things about the book "How to Babyproof Your Marriage". Might be worth looking into.
GL. It's a big mental adjustment to go from married without kids to having kids. But it can be SO worth it.
Thank you for your quick and thoughtful response. You are completely right about over-sharing on FB, so I'll learn to take these things with a grain of salt. And yes, I suppose it would be a big deal for the parents when their child reaches a milestone. I'll have to keep that in mind when I hear other parents talk about their children.
Again, thank you for the response, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this.
-Tanna
I would say 2 major things from MY experience. May not be yours.
1. Yes, FB is a highlight reel. One where all of my friends (and probably most of yours) want everyone to know what awesome things they are doing, how big the bouquet of flowers they got for valentine's day was., what their kid looks like all dolled up before the spit up, or get food all over everything. It is not real life. Comparing yourself, your relationships, your parenting, etc to it will only make you feel lacking. As I am saying this I am reminding myself of it.
2. I felt much this way until recently. I never thought I wanted kids. I didn't get it. Slowly but surely I started to see the draw. Now I want them so bad I can't see straight. It may be just that you haven't come around to the idea yet. Maybe you just need to mull it around a little bit, or maybe you just aren't done being the awesome phase of its just us to against the world! Lets do EVERYTHING whenever we want.
Either way, I wish you clarity. Its a big decision and one you shouldn't be pressured into. After all, you're kind of stuck with them, and from what I hear your life will change completely. So talk to your husband. He isn't wrong to want to plan a family with you, that's awesome, it comes from a great place! But let hi in on your concerns and worries. Its great preparation for becoming parents anyway.
Good luck!
DD: 4-5-14
All I can say is everything changes when you have your babies and you are more than likely going to fall in love with them and want to be sharing their milestones too.