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Adoption
babybean82
member
Looking for advice and information
babybean82
member
in Adoption
Hello Ladies,
I typically post over on the TTGP boards, MH and I have been trying for almost a year and have had a loss a few months ago. I have always imagined myself adopting at some point and recently I have thought about it a lot more.
The reason I am posting here is one of my good friends just informed me that her younger sister is pregnant with a baby that she doesn't think she wants, the father was a one night stand who when told about the baby said abort it and wants no part in the babies life. She doesn't want to have an abortion but she is considering adoption.
So my question is if she decides to go that route would it be a bad idea to try to adopt her baby? I don't know her well I have only met her a time a two but I love her sister like my own sister, so would having a connection to the birth family be something that should be avoided when adopting?
Also for an adoption like this what would be a good place to research how to go about it? I have no idea where to look into information for something like this.
TIA for any thoughts or advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Looking for advice and information
I think this situation depends a lot on what your friend's sister expects out of an adoption. Does she want an 'open' open adoption (due to your very close relationship with your friend, how likely is it that your friend would mention the child, potentially babysit, etc that would increase contact with the child), an open adoption (this have different definitions, some open adoptions mean just photos and updates, others mean visits and birth parents attending parties, family get togethers, etc), or a closed adoption (where the expectant mother/birth mother would not want updates, contact, etc)?
It also depends a lot on what you and your husband envision the situation to be. Would you want your child's birth mother/birth father to be in your lives?
I agree with the pp that you need to find out what this young woman's expectations are. She may want someone who's unknown to her family, even if she wants some level of openness. She may want someone closer who has more of a feeling of a family connection. I'd definitely find out what she thinks she wants, at least at this point. And I agree that you'll need to decide what you are comfortable with. If she wants to get together frequently, would this be a problem for you? Would you see it more as a "the more the merrier" situation? And how does your friend feel about her niece/nephew being raised by her BFF while still trying to support her sister?
As far as how to go about it, I would contact an adoption attorney in your state ASAP. They will be able to go over the laws of your state and tell you if you could do an independent adoption (meaning you'd use the lawyer for the legal paperwork but handle all the other legwork yourself) or if you need to use an adoption agency. You'll also want to find out if there are requirements as far as financial support for the expectant mom (some states require you to pay a certain amount of medical and/or living expenses, some states don't). You don't mention if the expectant mom is in the same state as you. If not, you'll need a lawyer in each state to facilitate an interstate adoption. I'd also want to find some sort of counseling for the expectant mom to help her deal with some of the decisions she needs to make in the coming months.
It sounds like she's early in her pregnancy, so try not to let all this info overwhelm you. Talk to your H, decide if you want to move forward, and contact an attorney.
GL
Thank you ladies, I will look into talking with an attorney about the laws involved in our state and in hers. She is in another state and yes still early in her pregnancy so I know she still has time to decide what she wants to do. I haven't talked to her at all just my friend who said that if she decides she wants to go for adoption my friend will mention to her that MH and I are interested.
Thank you for your responses and I will probably lurk here a little bit until we know more.
The first thing you should if you are really considering this is find a good adoption attorney. A good attorney will develop a relationship with you and the birth mom and be able to help you both through some difficult and emotionl highs and lows. After that, if the birth mom is ready to talk about adoption set up some time with just the two of you to have some open discussions about how she is feeling, if she has ny doubts, what type of relationship she wants to develop with you and with the baby and than you need to take some time to process that and think through if that will work for you. The one thing I'd say is most important is don't make any promises to her you aren't 100% sure you will be able to keep and don't exchange any money or give gifts it can violate all types of adoption laws depending on what state you live in.
I would also make sure you don't use your friend/ her sister as a go between. She may be threatened by the idea her sister will have a closer relationship with this baby than she will.
Good Luck! I can't wait to hear more about your adoption journey.