Am I overreacting with MIL?

newbeg826 · May 2013

I am having a major issue with my MIL watching DD. DD usually goes to daycare. I thought I would be nice and ask MIL to watch her during a few extra shifts I picked up this month. MIL is a very materialistic person (from her many marriages to how she shows affection to her children). It drives me crazy. I told DH to put a stop to it awhile ago (after she spent $150 at the disney store for DD "just because"). Fast forward to today, she shows up at the house with an extra large bag. She pulls out a new chair for DD and then proceeds to tell me that the rest of the toys are old toys that she has already given DD (She tends to bring DD toys and then takes them with her. I don't understand this either. She could probably fill a room in her house with all these toys, but we never go to her house). Except a few of the toys had brand new packaging. I was pissed, but I decided just to let it go and stress about more important stuff. Fast forward a few hours and she sends me a text of DD with two more new toys/games. I am now super pissed. She did not bring these toys in with her when I arrived, so they had to be in her car. I am tired of the excessive spending and I think it gives DD the wrong message. I texted DH and told him that he needed to talk to his mom, and if she brought anymore toys at the next visit, that I was no longer going to ask her to watch DD unless it was an emergency. He said he would (but he has also talked to her in the past). I am at the point where I am no longer going to be flexibile about this rule. If she breaks it, then that is a deal break breaker for me. And I have a feeling now she will be sneaky about this. I know my next step is to confront her directly but I hate confrontation and I typically come across a little too direct. Would this bother you? What would you say to MIL that would be polite but to the point.

Courtimilk · May 2013

If she wants toys at her house for her grand-children to play with, then fine. They can stay at her house, not be shuttled back and forth. What happens at Gramma's house, stays at Gramma's house. Your house will have your rules.

PaMommy02 · May 2013

Your over reacting, sorry. At least your mil wants to spend money and time with your LO. It could be the other way around. Your mil is just happy and excited to be a Grammy, don't put her down for it! Good luck!

ridesbuttons · May 2013

I am confused why you think it is nice to ask your MIL to provide additional daycare for you.

Aside from that, I have a similar MIL who wants to spend, spend, spend on the kids. I encourage her not to but I don't make the rules for her. It gives her pleasure and I really don't think that my kids think that she is just some sort of toy gravy train.

I can't imagine keeping a grandchild away from a grandparent over this. You know, unless it was an 'emergency' and you have no other options.

brettsmama · May 2013

PaMommy02:
Your over reacting, sorry. At least your mil wants to spend money and time with your LO. It could be the other way around. Your mil is just happy and excited to be a Grammy, don't put her down for it! Good luck!

I agree, I think you're overreacting. Let her spoil her grandchild. You can still teach your LO not to be materialistic and to be appreciative. My DS is 3, my MIL has never even sent my DS a birthday card.

laurakaz13 · May 2013

Team overreaction! You have a MIL who loves your kid. I would kindly tell her that you appreciate how generous (not wasteful) she is, but that you just don't have the room for so many toys and she will have to keep 90% of them at her house. If she shows up to your house with tons of toys, just tell her you have too many and will have to start donating them to charity.

sadie+w · May 2013

I might be missing something, but it seems you're really overreacting. MIL just loves your LO and wants to shower her with gifts.

jefk · May 2013

I don't think you're overreacting. My MIL would rather throw money at us than spend time with us, and I have a feeling she's going to do the same with our LO (FTM due in June). We're trying very hard to live with less and be less materialistic overall, and she makes it difficult - even now, she gives us more stuff every time we see her (candles, dog toys, an old crock pot - ?).

My main concern is that I would rather have my MIL spend quality time with our kids, not just buy them stuff. I think that's what bothers you too. You have to get your H on board with this and have him run interference with him mom. That's what my H does and it works fairly well. Otherwise, we just limit our time with them.

FemShep · May 2013

You're overreacting.

Also, saying your MIL can't see her grandson unless you're having an emergency childcare situation and you need her is pretty darn offensive, IMHO.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

Eh, a day will come where she doesn't bring a gift. Your DD will get upset, your mil will wonder why, and then you just gently say that dd has come to correlate her with new toys. If she doesn't like that, then maybe it's time to back off on all the gifts - you say w a shrug and a smile.

Look - I do get the frustration w so many toys. My parents do it too. But it is SO not something to take your dd away from her over. Your child is safe and loved in your MILs care. That is what should matter.

honeybee111 · May 2013

OK, if I'm understanding your post correctly, your MIL brings new toys every time she sees your kid, and then she takes them home with her? I don't see the problem with this. My mom does the same thing, but she only sees DD about every other month since my parents live in another city. Except my mom leaves everything here, and we have a mountain of toys. I donated some, I put some away for later, and I rotate the rest, so it's not so overwhelming. Is there other stuff you are irritated about with your MIL? She obviously loves her grandchild, maybe she doesn't express it in a way YOU would like, but I don't think it's anything to talk to her about.

KathrynMD · May 2013

You're overreacting.

Your MIL loves your daughter and buys more stuff for her than you want. There are far worse MIL problems to have.

If you don't like your MIL at least be honest about it don't pretend it's about buying toys for your LO.

WhitWed · May 2013

I see your side in overspending on materialistic things, but I also see this as her way of displaying affection. That is honestly how some people show their affection and might be hurt to have their displays rejected. I probably wouldn't talk to her about not spending at all, I'd probably redirect her to purchasing things that are educational for your DD or even starting a savings fund. For example, maybe put the money toward books, art supplies, or a year-long zoo pass for the both of them.

skibunny59 · May 2013

sadie+w:
I might be missing something, but it seems you're really overreacting. MIL just loves your LO and wants to shower her with gifts.

I agree with this. My mom spends way too much money on my DD and buys her so many things but DD is her first grandchild and she just loves her so much. It used to bother me but I realize that my mom really gets such joy out of showering DD with gifts.

skibunny59 · May 2013

PrivacyWanted:
I'm on mobile so I can't see how old your DD is? I'm not sure I would attack the issue with your mil. She's older and presumably set in her ways. Nothing you say is really going to change her So I'd approach it with your DD. Whenever dd gets gifts from grandparents we talk about how lucky she is to have gparents that shower her with gifts. Then we tell her some aren't so fortunate and we should give toys she no longer needs to those kids. She gathers them up and we donate. We also talk about the many ways those that love her express their love. The hope is that dd will naturally get from this that sharing, empathy, charity etc are important

I really like this.

Jenny952 · May 2013

Yeah that's a tough one. My MIL isn't quite as bad but lately she's been bringing gifts over everytime she visits. An outfit last weekend, a toy the time before that, to babies r us to pick out something special. I don't really know what I can say to her, but maybe have DH say something first. You're in a much more serious situation, so you might want to focus your attention on helping your DD understand that this isnt' normal and to keep her expectations in check.

st.augbride · May 2013

I think more than anything it's sad the MIL feels the need to do this, as she is likely compensating for a lack of self worth (peole who feel the need to buy others things constantly are scared they wouldn't be loved without them often). That said, I also thing grandparents like spoiling their grandkids. I guess you need to find a balance, but it doesn't seem like the biggest deal to me I guess. On a related note though, how is MIL financially? Is she spending beyond her means? That's what I'd be worried about if she is like this with everything.

Iblamethebeer · May 2013

skibunny59:
PrivacyWanted:
I'm on mobile so I can't see how old your DD is? I'm not sure I would attack the issue with your mil. She's older and presumably set in her ways. Nothing you say is really going to change her So I'd approach it with your DD. Whenever dd gets gifts from grandparents we talk about how lucky she is to have gparents that shower her with gifts. Then we tell her some aren't so fortunate and we should give toys she no longer needs to those kids. She gathers them up and we donate. We also talk about the many ways those that love her express their love. The hope is that dd will naturally get from this that sharing, empathy, charity etc are important
I really like this.

A second vote for this advice. You spend a lot more time with DD than MIL does, so you have the power to frame this conversation with her in a way that teaches her not be materialistic AND to love/honor her grandmother.

thedash · May 2013

You say that it sends DD the wrong message. What message is that? I'm honestly curious.

If you really do have too much stuff just start donating it and tell MIL the truth about where the toys have gone. If she keeps it at her house then who cares.

Honestly, 150 at the Disney Store for her granddaughter doesn't sound crazy extravagant to me. And I'm a pretty thrifty person.

dragon_chica · May 2013

Yes, you are overreacting. To threaten keeping your child away from her is really dramatic. Just make sure most of the toys stay over there and periodically purge what's at your house. Use that opportunity to teach your child the value of helping others through donation to counteract all the spoiling. This is not a battle worth causing animosity and resentment over.

SummerOH · May 2013

+1 for team overreacting. My mom was the same way with DD. She was her first grandchild and we lived with them while I was finishing college. She bought her a ton of clothes and toys. An obscene amount. She still does. DD isn't spoiled or materialistic at all. Not one bit. That view is created by your outlook on the world and what you value. If you don't place value on material things, which we don't, then it's just stuff. Sure, she likes having the stuff, but she knows that family, friends, and education mean more than all the stuff in the world.

I also think it's kind of rude for you to act like you're doing HER a favor by allowing her to watch DD, when in fact the opposite is true. Threatening to not let a grandmother see her grandchild because she buys a lot of toys, which a TON of grandparents do, is just mean.

LoCarb · May 2013

PaMommy02:
Your over reacting, sorry. At least your mil wants to spend money and time with your LO. It could be the other way around. Your mil is just happy and excited to be a Grammy, don't put her down for it! Good luck!

Agree. It's the other way around in our family. G-parents are supposed to spoil kids. Think of it as saving you money too. Can you request for more practical gifts like clothing, electric toothbrushes,etc...?

526SadieSadie · May 2013

kbruington:

I sort of get where you are coming from, not wanting your kid to be spoiled, etc but IMO you are totally overreacting. Maybe I'm not reading this post right (and of course I don't know the full story) but I don't see what the problem is? Your MIL wants to shower your child with gifts because she loves her. Sure material objects aren't what's important in life, blah blah but as long as you teach your daughter about being grateful and not everyone is this lucky, etc, then let her enjoy this.

I really am surprised you would threaten taking her granddaughter away because she buys her too many toys. That does not make sense to me.

(I'm not trying to be mean, just honestly don't see the problem)

This. Sure MIL is spoiling your DD but there is a BIG difference between a spoiled child and a brat. As long as you teach her to be grateful and to appreciate gifts from others, I don't see the problem. As PP said, you can always donate toys and teach DD about kids that aren't as lucky as she is - that could turn into a tradition of life-long giving for her.

itsmevkb · May 2013

I get it, I really do, as I have a very similar situation. But, you have to understand that your irritation isn't just this one issue, it's an accumulation of all the issues you have with your MIL and I think that in the end you want to try and not let those issues get in the way of your MIL having a relationship with her grandchildren. Let grandma be the one who spoils her, that is what grandmas do! You can still teach your daughter about responsible spending, giving, etc. and this could be a point of contrast.

So yes, it would bother me, but I'd keep it to myself except perhaps to sometimes just say to your MIL things like "oh, thank you for the presents, it's just sooooo much!" and then suggest some of the toys be kept at her house. And, to that end, why not let your MIL watch her at her house, or have a sleepover? Maybe then MIL would be more willing to keep things in her own home.

DiveFrog · May 2013

This would definitely bother me too. My IL's are very similar, although not to such an extreme. Both my FIL and MIL equate gifts and material items with Love.

I don't mind family gifting DD with toys, books and clothes. However, when it becomes so much stuff, and so frequently that she starts to put together that gifts=Love I have a problem. It's not about teaching her to be grateful and appreciative DH and I can and will do that.

I don't want her to to grow up thinking that certain relatives love her more because they shower her with gifts, when other ralatives who love her just as much can't afford all the presents. I defintely don't want her to think as she gets older and starts to date that a young man who gifts her with expensive things must absolutely LOVE her since he presents her with gifts all the time. While another suitor must not because he doesn't buy her clothes and jewlery, or take her on vacations etc. but instead likes to spend his time with her, and listens to her, and makes her laugh.

For me Love is expressed through actions and experiences, and yes giving gifts is a small part of that, but it shouldn't be the primary expression of your love for someone. That's difficult to teach a small child who is constantly presented with the opposite when every single time Grandma shows up she is carrying a hug bag of new stuff.

jennyelf · May 2013

Iblamethebeer:
skibunny59:
PrivacyWanted:
I'm on mobile so I can't see how old your DD is? I'm not sure I would attack the issue with your mil. She's older and presumably set in her ways. Nothing you say is really going to change her So I'd approach it with your DD. Whenever dd gets gifts from grandparents we talk about how lucky she is to have gparents that shower her with gifts. Then we tell her some aren't so fortunate and we should give toys she no longer needs to those kids. She gathers them up and we donate. We also talk about the many ways those that love her express their love. The hope is that dd will naturally get from this that sharing, empathy, charity etc are important
I really like this.
A second vote for this advice. You spend a lot more time with DD than MIL does, so you have the power to frame this conversation with her in a way that teaches her not be materialistic AND to love/honor her grandmother.

Third vote!

I grew up with grandparents that due to distance, couldn't spend a lot of time with us, but did often give us very nice things. Parents make a huge impact on how materialist a child can become, and my parents made sure I understood how lucky I was and how I should try to help those that didn't have as much luck.

I also don't think I came away thinking that some relatives loved me more than others based upon what kind or how many gifts I got. Again, parents can be the bigger influence here.

Netty_3 · May 2013

Can you convince her starting a college fund for DD would be more productive and helpful, and abetter use of her money...and much appreciated. Instead of buying a bunch of toys that she only gets to keep a few hours..or can't even enjoy fully because there's always something new?

Netty_3 · May 2013

oops

traveltheworld · May 2013

I can understand why you find it frustrating, but I don't think it's that big of a deal. Like PP said, you can always talk to your child (assuming she is old enough) about how lucky she is, empathy, etc. and I like the idea of having her donate some of her old toys when she gets new ones. For what it's worth, I don't think I'm a materialistic person by any means, but when my best friend had her baby a few years ago, I bought tons of toys and clothes for her babay and continued to do so for a few years. I just loved shopping for a baby / toddler. It never once occured to me that it was inappropriate.

LoCarb · May 2013

KathrynMD:
If you don't like your MIL at least be honest about it don't pretend it's about buying toys for your LO.

bwahahaha!

Kfran84 · May 2013

Netty_3:
Can you convince her starting a college fund for DD would be more productive and helpful, and abetter use of her money...and much appreciated. Instead of buying a bunch of toys that she only gets to keep a few hours..or can't even enjoy fully because there's always something new?

For realz, this.

Also, why do you all not go to her house? Is she a compulsive shopper/hoarder?

lily_721 · May 2013

My friend's MIL does this. It drives my friend nuts. I remind her to pick her battles. As long as MIL isn't coming to you for financial assistance, its her money to spend.