Can I just vent?

only1leia · May 2013

I know I haven't been posting lately (I do check them when I find time) so I feel a little guilty for venting, but I have already vented to my mom and partner extensively yesterday and don't know how else to get it off my chest.

So, yesterday I stopped by my mom's work for lunch (I do this a lot) and my partner's sister-in-law, who works for my mom, pulled me aside to tell me she is pregnant. She said she already told my mom, but I can tell my partner (which I did promptly). There are several things that have been bothering me about this:

1) Why did she tell my mom (who is not related to her in ANY way) before she told me?

2) Why would she tell ME before my partner, since the baby will be her blood relative (not that I won't be "Auntie" but I felt really weird when she told me first)?

3) This is our first child, my mom's first grandchild, and, if we have a girl, will be my partner's mom's first granddaughter. It was nice to be in the spotlight for once, instead of just wanting kids when we visit them.

I feel horrible about feeling guilty, but I feel like a little kid, whining that it's not fair. I know I'm supposed to look on the bright side ... the cousins will be close in age. Plus, after this baby is born, I will try getting pregnant, so there would be a spike in babies in the family. However, I know that she (sis-in-law) loves attention, and being in the spotlight, and is much more vocal than my partner and I. DP feels the same way, and went as far as thinking she may have done this on purpose because before we announced our pregnancy, she said nothing about having another one. It's also weird that she just kind of .. told me. This may be because she already has three kids, but I would have thought she would have at LEAST told us together, and made it special instead of a spur of the moment thing.

The other thing that irked me was she had only told my mom, me, and my partner (well, I told her but she came in for lunch as well) and said that the other employees don't know (To paint a bit of a picture, my mom runs a dining room in an assisted living facility and everyone is like family there). So I respected her wishes and didn't say anything, but then she was talking about how "Oh, no one's allowed to say 'fat' in my house until February" and one of the ladies asked why and she said "Oh, I just don't like that word. Until February, then it's okay." It was pretty obvious that she was holding something back, and I know if I hadn't been privy to the information it would have made me feel really bad because I was out of the loop.

I'm really sorry about letting it out here, but am I crazy? I mean, of course I'm happy about a new little niece or nephew, but couldn't they have waited at least until ours was born at least? (It wasn't an accident, they were trying last month but had a BFN)

Also sorry for the long read. I held back as much as I could!

lbugher · May 2013

So you're upset because your SIL is pregnant and you kind of feel like she's stealing your thunder? No, you're not irrational. We lesbians don't get to celebrate our major milestones the same way straights get to. We don't get bridal showers, bachelorette parties, honeymoons, and get lavished with attention when we get married... because there's two brides. It's not "my" day, it's "our" day and even then, some of us aren't lucky enough to have supportive families so we have to do everything ourselves whereas our friends' families are springing for everything and they get a magical dream day while we have to put our wedding on a credit card. And that's if we can even have a legit wedding with a marriage certificate and everything.

I'd be plenty resentful if I got pregnant after painstakingly looking for sperm donors, tracking my ovulation, and going to the doctor for an IUI while my brother and his wife got busy one night and boom, it happened.

This feels like the only chance when I'll finally have the spotlight on my partner and I as a couple. Seems childish, sure, but after years of catering to my straight friends and family for their weddings and births, it would be very nice if for once my partner and I could be celebrated, too. Being the first to have kids in our family is kind of a big deal. My parents want grandkids, her parents want grandkids, and we'd be the first to start a family. We've been planning this a long time. If I found out my brother knocked up a girl while I was pregnant, I'd be furious (neither brothers are seeing anyone serious, but I know they're dating and certainly having sex with girls. It can happen).

Just keep in mind: you still have your special time and no amount of other pregnancies can take that from you. No one else will be parents to your baby but you and your partner. Enjoy it! And look on the positive side: your child will have an instant buddy in his/her cousin. If you both have girls, all the better!

Congrats on your pregnancy I hope to be there, too, in the next couple months. And God help my brothers (or BILs) if they try to one-up me!

only1leia · May 2013

Thank you for taking my rant and putting it so succinctly! I'm doing my best to focus on the positives, like I said, I will be excited for a cousin so close in age, especially since the next oldest cousin will be 6 and a half years older. It will still be my mom's first grandchild and she is so over-the-moon it takes much of the sting off.

Good luck TTC, I hope it doesn't take long! Maybe you will get lucky on the first try, it happens! Wink

lbugher · May 2013

I'm also experiencing a small amount of bitterness because I'm the MOH for a wedding coming up and while it's great and I'm really excited and honored to do this for my bestie, it hurts a little because *I* can't get married. I know she would do this for me in a heartbeat, but I live in Indiana. I'm afraid by the time I'm able to get married at all, I'll be old. Well, not OLD old, but I'll probably be in my mid to late 30's. But I suppose by then I'll have the funds to have a really great party, plus we'll likely have ring bearers or flower girls in our children.

I need to tell her I'm trying to get pregnant, though. I don't want to take the wind from her sails either... it's a delicate thing, balancing major life changes among those you love. Some people take this sort of news hard, surprisingly. There are a number of people I'm avoiding talking with about this out of fear they'll resent ME. Why does it have to be so hard?

Also, none of my close friends are on the baby-making train yet, not even my straight ones! It's hard. I don't know who I can talk to about this. I have my partner's friends, who I'm close to also, and they're into motherhood now. A couple of them aren't yet, and I know they want to be, and I feel like my partner and I are the only "hold-outs" - you know... "Oh, C and L haven't had kids yet so we can wait longer, too!"

*sigh*

only1leia · May 2013

Ugh, I was the MOH in my friend's wedding a couple years ago, and my partner was a bridesmaid in the same wedding. It was hard, it's ALWAYS hard to go to a friend's wedding and be happy for them and just feel "less than" because you can't. Hopefully on Monday that will change for Minnesota!

lbugher · May 2013

Yeah, my partner was the MOH for the last wedding we were in (I was a bridesmaid) - and while I wasn't really resentful it was tough. But for other reasons. Yes, MN looks like it's going to legalize same-sex marriage! Now we just have to go and rip down all those nasty constitutional amendments... but how does one even go about doing that? We have an amendment in IN but I don't think it was ever constitutional. They've been talking about putting up a referendum of some sort and setting it to vote in 2014. I wouldn't mind that, actually. Even though IN is a bit more homophobic than other Midwestern states, I don't think it would actually pass. There are enough people here who support us gays. In any case, I think we will get married right away if DOMA falls this June. That'll make life a little easier when it comes to taxes and rights, because we can get married in Iowa (or MN - that would be cool since we have a friend there and I could make him get ordained and marry us LOL). And surely if we're legally married SOMEWHERE in America, even if we're not residents of that state, the FEDERAL government would have to see us as legit, right? At least then we'd get the federal benefits. We'd be excluded from the state for the time being, but when that finally comes around then we can have an actual wedding. And then I'll force the ladies I've served to serve US

That will feel good. But for now, I'll enjoy the pregnancy journey and worry about all that later.

only1leia · May 2013

lbugher:
Yeah, my partner was the MOH for the last wedding we were in (I was a bridesmaid) - and while I wasn't really resentful it was tough. But for other reasons. Yes, MN looks like it's going to legalize same-sex marriage! Now we just have to go and rip down all those nasty constitutional amendments... but how does one even go about doing that? We have an amendment in IN but I don't think it was ever constitutional. They've been talking about putting up a referendum of some sort and setting it to vote in 2014. I wouldn't mind that, actually. Even though IN is a bit more homophobic than other Midwestern states, I don't think it would actually pass. There are enough people here who support us gays. In any case, I think we will get married right away if DOMA falls this June. That'll make life a little easier when it comes to taxes and rights, because we can get married in Iowa (or MN - that would be cool since we have a friend there and I could make him get ordained and marry us LOL). And surely if we're legally married SOMEWHERE in America, even if we're not residents of that state, the FEDERAL government would have to see us as legit, right? At least then we'd get the federal benefits. We'd be excluded from the state for the time being, but when that finally comes around then we can have an actual wedding. And then I'll force the ladies I've served to serve US That will feel good. But for now, I'll enjoy the pregnancy journey and worry about all that later.

I don't know if I'm right, but I would think if DOMA fails in the Supreme Court, the rest of the states that have amendments blocking marriage equality would have to take those off the books. That is, of course, depending exactly how the Supreme Court makes its decision. As it currently stands (and how I understand it), if you are legally married in a state that allows same sex marriage, you can claim it on your state taxes, but not the federal forms. I'm not married (yet, hoping that will change August 1st!), but maybe someone who is will know better than I do.

lbugher · May 2013

You're correct, as of right now if I got married in Vermont, for example, I'd just be married in the state of Vermont. Other states that recognize SSM would recognize it, too (and a couple other states that recognize SSM but don't actually issue marriage licenses - how ridiculous is that, though?) but Indiana wouldn't be forced to recognize it.

A couple things are possible with the DOMA ruling - either DOMA will be declared unconstitutional in its entirety and ALL states in America will be forced to recognize SSM - OR they will strike down only one provision that says the federal gov will not recognize SSM, thus allowing married folks in VT, MA, CT, RI, IA, MN, etc to receive federal benefits. But that wouldn't mean other states would be forced to follow suit. They'd have to decide it on the state level, which is why I'm wondering what that means for states that currently have amendments to their constitutions banning SSM.

If the entirety of DOMA is struck down, it will be a very, very happy day. But my guess is that won't happen. It would cause way too much of an uproar. I'm assuming that the provision banning married couples from receiving benefits will be struck down, though. It's a step forward so I won't complain.

Still, it's making me crazy because all these stupid bans emerged right after MA legalized SSM. They panicked because they didn't want it to go to their states, so they preemptively eliminated the chance of it ever happening. But that was 10 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. I'm just wondering how it will all play out. Fingers crossed for a sweeping decision, but my understanding is that would be very unlikely

Sending happy pro-marriage thoughts to MN today! It looks like it's gonna happen!

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